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The unassuming den of the Constrictor Dhani, it is truly a pit of snakes. Travelers should take care, because the Dhani are always hungry... [Lore]
To say Salar’s confession wasn’t disappointing would have been a lie, but the emotion flickered across Sshadara’s eyes was just that—a flicker—before vanishing. However, his honesty was nice. In a city full of cutthroats, such openness was rare, and though it wasn’t as… exciting as some other things he could have said, it was a gesture she could appreciate.
“No,” she admitting, stifling a sigh, “your strengths lie elsewhere. As well they should. But do not be so quick to dismiss your prose; it certainly wasn’t terrible. And, well… it isn’t prose that will last us the night.”
She leaned closer, voice lowering.
“Now, let’s see if we can’t find something to do with your power.”
Note(s): I’d particularly like to share some notes on Zinrah and the dhani to give you a better image. I like the imagery, but when striving for accuracy here are some notes to keep in mind.
On hunting: “Sometimes two, sometimes three, sometimes one. Depends on their age, experience, and families. They never go in more than three, because if one group's doomed, then they're at least not killing everyone. It's not uncommon for them not to come back.” – Cayenne So, to reiterate, Dhani don’t necessarily hunt in masses. There’s a blockade after all. On crowds/population: I can’t find the quote precisely. The point is Zinrah is enormous for the few dhani that dwell there. Credit again to Cayenne for her insight on Zinrah’s size and depth. Thus, the training gallery might be busy, but to call it a crowd to be lost in is a bit much. The images you created were still involving for the story. Me likey!
Noravennsalar: Skill(s):
Composition : 2
Observation: 1
Seduction: 2
Wrestling: 1
Lore(s):
Breaking In Your Dhani Form
A Familiar Face: Ssedrasshadara
Allure of the Feminine Scent
Struggling to Keep Focus
An Accidental Victory Isn’t Victory At All
Awaiting Orders
Note(s): “A smaller, weaker animal like Sshadara's pet would have felt pain and suffocation but a muscled Dhani male like Salar required more than mere grip.” – I’d personally prefer to see Salar condition a bit more before I read more posts like this. He does have a higher wrestling skill than Sshadara, but constrictors are still incredibly strong without much “skill.” They wouldn’t live too long otherwise.
I have to say, Sshadara’s note in the office wasn’t lacking when she mentioned the wrestling, prose, and steaminess. It was certainly an interesting read.
Personal Note(s) :
Independent from a job well done, this is just a personal observation. I’m guilty of it too at times, but be sure you’re reading each others’ posts thoroughly. Some phrases or thoughts seemed to conflict and contrast beyond what the other player was saying. Be sure you’re on the same page.
Some things were repetitive for me. Break out the thesaurus baby! Wooh! While valid points to keep in mind (like the authority of females, or that god awful scent…) being concise is just as powerful when bringing up a point like that and allow it to evolve throughout the thread. I though you held yourselves back that way a tad bit. It’s a process though, so keep learning.
Lastly, something else that comes with experience with a particular player I imagine, is the flow of the thread. Some events and observations need the credit to be noticed by your personal PC, but too much makes the thread repetitive too. While you backtrack to keep your PC up, be sure you’re keeping true to the thread as well. If this comparison works:
Each PC has a separate plot “line”. These lines are broken between the posts, and come together to one single line when the PCs are in synch. You two were coming together at the start when the scene was opening, but it seemed to split apart again. It turned into one player leading the plot, and the other just reacting. Keeping the plot flowing isn’t thread hijacking so long as you stay on the same page. You’ll grow into it.
Still a very interesting plot to read. Keep up the lovely writing.
The point is Zinrah is enormous for the few dhani that dwell there. Credit again to Cayenne for her insight on Zinrah’s size and depth. Thus, the training gallery might be busy, but to call it a crowd to be lost in is a bit much. The images you created were still involving for the story. Me likey! 