[Merenwen's Scrapbook] The Willing Well

[Avant Garde]

Quarter life crisis.... I think I like it.

I guess this little scrap is just to inform some of you about my absence as of late. I'm not gone. I haven't disappeared. I'm alive and (mostly) well, just trying to sort myself out. Classes started back up a couple of weeks ago, and recruitment has finally ended. It's been rough trying to figure out what to do about my financial situation with the scam and all, but I think it's all drawing to a healthy close. Everything seems to finally be ironing itself out. At least I hope what's happening... ><

As I noticed my time becoming more and more consumed in my new routine, I adjusted my signature to let everyone know I would be gone a while, and to please be patient with me. Upon returning, I had a plethora of... Well, downright shitty PM's from people. Some people were pissed that I hadn't replied to them. Some went off and left me without even asking or telling me anything. I understand I was gone and it put people waiting on me, but I mean... I was only gone a couple of weeks! I just feel like... Idk. It hurt my feelings, and I guess that's all I'll say on the subject for now...

I think I'm having a hard time coping with everything in general, but I'm trying really hard to work things out so I can stay at Miza. However, at this point, I think I may be considering retiring for good, when I finish my current threads. A lot of people have turned out to be really discouraging and hateful. There have been too many confrontations, some my own fault. But it seems like no one is willingto forgive and move on.

Fine, I understand that, but gnawing at someone is no way to continue about things. Maybe it's just not my place. I don't know.

Kamalia, maybe I have hit that quarter life crisis. The question is, how does one cope? I have heard "just keep moving" and "you can do it." It's nice to be encouraged for a change, but... Sometimes - and I think everyone can agree - you just hit that point in your life when it seems NOTHING WILL WORK OUT. That's where I am.

And it sucks. Maybe I just need some time...? We'll see...

[Gossamer]

I think on games like Mizahar, you get a great deal of people reflecting back what they feel like they are getting from you. Be careful about accusing people of being discouraging and hateful here. People aren't. This community is one of the most loving, accepting, understanding and down right accommodating communities I've ever seen. I personally really take huge offense at anyone stating anything like this about Mizaharians when I know for a fact that its not true.

[Mesa]

I'm not saying by any means that every here is rude or ugly. You misread me. I said SOME people were pissed that I left for a while. The next paragraph when I said people in general, I wasn't saying Mizaharians. I meant people in MY LIFE right now. As for disputes on Miza, I've worked to apologize to everyone because of the stress I've been under. I never said eff you guys or anything like that, so there's no reason to take offense. This is just a scarp about how I feel as of late. I'm not jumping anyone's case.

I'll reiterate. I said a COUPLE of people were ugly to me over my short absence, stating that I "hadn't so much as told ANYONE that I would be gone." This upset me, because I have kept in contact with Drew/Lariat, and he knows the whole situation and said he had let most people know through chat that I wasn't here for a reason, when they asked. I also even changed my signature a week or so before I knew I would be absent so people wouldn't be in the dark when I my usually speedy replies ceased.

My next paragraph:

I think I'm having a hard time coping with everything in general, but I'm trying really hard to work things out so I can stay at Miza. However, at this point, I think I may be considering retiring for good, when I finish my current threads. A lot of people have turned out to be really discouraging and hateful. There have been too many confrontations, some my own fault. But it seems like no one is willingto forgive and move on.

Maybe this is where you got the idea that I was attacking Mizahar. All I meant by this is that IN REAL LIFE right now, my life is hectic. Friends, family, etc. have been arguing a lot lately, and the encouragement that was once there is no longer. It's making it hard for me to balance everything in a healthy manner, and all I said was that, because of this, I may have to cut something. Well, do I cut my friends? My family? School? My job? The sorority? Miza? It seems to me it isn't really fair that I'm having a hard time juggling everything, and those I'm threading with are having to pay the price. So I said I MAY CONSIDEER retiring for a while.

I can see how that may have been misinterpreted, but you definitely misread me. And I'm sorry you did so.

[Gossamer]

I'm not misreading anything. More than ten people linked me to your scrap post when you first posted it with a "What the heck?". I think what you say is pretty clear cut and I wasn't the only one totally taken back by your statements. I'm just the one who stepped forward to comment. I don't like conflict on this website, and you seem to generate it wherever you go because this isn't the first time. You might want to think a little bit before you post. Quite a few people read scraps. And no one who read yours misinterpreted anything regardless of the backtracking and 'This is how you should have taken it." We have brains. We do think for ourselves.

[Bolden Denusk]

[Mesa]

Honestly,I had a long response typed up about this, but I have decided on this and this alone:

first, I AM ME. I know what I thought/meant/felt. YOU do not, because you are not in my head. You're putting thoughts/words in my brain/mouth that are not my own, but what you misconstrued. If that's what you choose to get out of what I said, go for it. People offend each other without meaning to... Think of your GMC scrap.

Second, I'm not gonna beat a dead horse. I apologized for what any of you may have thought I meant/said, and tried to explain, but if you're so narrow-minded as to tell me what you think I meant or said, cool. That's you, and I'm me. But I'm not gonna say crappy things about you to other people...Idk what else you want from me besides and apology I already offered. But this, too, shall pass.

[Gossamer]

I'm glad you took my words to heart and are finally thinking before posting.

[Avant Garde]

Of course, jen.

[Merenwen]

To, uh… Well, everyone I suppose: I’m going to spill a little bit here, and I hope you’re willing to hear me out. I don’t know how else to put this, so I’m going to ramble my little brain to smithereens until I feel like I’m not making any sense. Here we go… I’m an asshole. That’s not sarcasm, it’s not a quote, it’s not anything except the truth. For any of you who don’t know me, hey. My name is Katie and I’m a 19 year old college student. I’m stubborn and hotheaded. I hate being told I’m wrong before I have time to figure it out and tell it to myself. I had a terrible habit of leaping before judging distance, so to speak. My Daddy accuses me of it all the time, and I roll my eyes like a normal teenager would. I’m going to try and be completely honest with you, and myself… I got a much needed kick in the ass these past couple of days. >< I mean, MUCH needed. I’m sure many of you know I said a lot of stuff that was interpreted in a way I didn’t think it ever could have been… I came across as a completely selfish, arrogant little bastard, and I got called out by more than one person. I just wanted to apologize… I want to set the record straight now. I LOVE Miza. I have been happy to be back, and I hope everyone knows that… I don’t want to leave again. I went through a little spell for about 2 or 3 weeks… Classes started back, my family had some issues, I had a financial crisis, and recruitment flared. I know everyone has really busy lives, and sometimes it’s incredibly hard to step back and realize that you’re not the only one in the world with a tight schedule. I’m unforgivably guilty of this… I’m still a kid, as many of you would say, and my life revolves around me… I know how awful that sounds, but at this age, it’s hard to grow up. It’s INCREDIBLY hard, and I don’t want it to happen. I miss my parents doing everything for me, and giving me everything. Who doesn’t? I tried to take this grand leap into adulthood before I weighed the consequences and necessities. I wish I hadn’t…. When I’m weighed down by everything in the world (seemingly) I don’t care about anyone else. I just want what’s bothering me to go away. I don’t think about anyone else, because I feel like it’s the end of the world for me. I wish I had the ability to stop, think, consider, weigh options/consequences, and THEN act/speak. There’s no excuse for not being patient…. I know this… I’m one of those people that gets under your skin. I’m the kind that shoots first, asks questions later. I hate being told I’m wrong before I have the chance to figure it out myself. But the truth is, there are a lot of people out there in this world who have twice the wisdom and experience that I do. My problem? I fail to see it. It’s not a choice so much as a habit, I think. It’s pure habit that I just plain don’t think first. My parents have harped me for years about my argumentative nature, something I inherited from them (haha). They told me that if I didn’t learn to stop trying to rebut against what everyone was saying to me, and actually LISTEN to what they’re saying, I would become an eternally self-centered, self-righteous shell of a human being for the rest of my life, and that no one would want to be patient with me because I wouldn’t do the same for them. And it’s true… Oh, god is it true! It takes me a while…. I really just…. I don’t know. I wish I would stop and consider things before I act/speak. So my new promise to myself: TRY, dammit. Try. At LEAST try. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry. ): I really, really am… And I just hope that everyone I have offended will find it in themselves to forgive me. I understand if you want to slap me inside out. >< but please don’t? lol. I hope I can show you all I’m really not a COMPLETE jerk. I promise I’m not… Ugh… I can explain and reiterate til I’m blue in the face (fingertips?)… But I’ve said all I can say, and the rest is up to you guys, I know. I’m not expecting anyone to believe me right away. I’d be pissed off for a while, too. But I hope after reading this you guys will maybe possibly hopefully be willing to let me try and work with you. /: Kate

[Aidara]

I frequently browse through the scraps that are posted when I am low on imagination or energy and can't dredge up anything to post. I have to say that I have read your scraps a few times, and ended up clicking back onto the main forum because I was annoyed or irritated or whatever. I don't know you, and I don't think we've ever actually spoke before, but I was judging you on what you were saying via text, in this blog. Since I don't know you and have never typed even two words to you (I don't think, unless you have a pc I don't know is you) I tried my best not to judge. But everyone judges. People deny it because they don't want to think it's true about themselves, or maybe they really are extraordinary and don't judge, but it's human nature to toss someone else's flaws up for scrutiny. However, it takes a whole other frame of mind to scrutinize your own. I have to say, that if you have really come to the conclusion above and are really feeling a change of heart... then I am proud of you. It takes a lot to tell yourself that you're wrong. Sometimes, people just need that one person that is always telling you when you're wrong. But that only helps when you listen to and believe said person. I had depression issues. I was angry and introverted. I shut everyone out and I was just an mad, mean person. I judged people without thinking, I left scathing remarks to people I didn't even know. The last thing I considered was that my attitude was a problem within myself; it was much easier to just think that I was surrounded by a bunch of idiots who clearly didn't understand what was going on, and who were just out to get me or make me miserable. Admitting to myself that I was depressed (this was over six years ago) was the hardest part. It was so unbeliveably hard to wrap my head around it that I can hardly put it into words. Yes, I know you're not talking about being depressed or anything like that, but that's instantly what popped into my head when I read your scrap. It's how I can relate to what you are saying. So, with as much comfort and support that I can give as a stranger, I believe that if you really want to make those changes that you listed, you can do it. Admitting that you are wrong is the hardest part to do IF you truly mean it. It's very easy to say "Oh, fine, I'm sorry" when you just want to make people shut up. However, your words seemed sincere. Keep your chin up, because even though it's a completely over used phrase, it's true that you can do what you set your mind too. Especially when you're as strong willed as you seem. You just have to refocus that will if you want to be more positive. Lots of love, Jules