[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

[Rista]

I love..! I love a lot of things. Right now, in this very moment I think I'm in love with a guy I've never met. I love people, I love parties, I love cake - I had cake today! - I love people that love music and sing and dance and talk about music all day long, and I love drawing and painting, I love when I get half a day off - I even love it when the teacher sends me back to bed because I look like crap. Hey, I dragged myself up this morning despite feeling the part, you should award me some cookies for that! I also have a strong fondness, no, love, for milk. Especially together with crackers. Even more so if the crackers have a luxuriously healthy feel to them, costs more than they weigh and where the box have the words "Enjoy!" written out on the lid. Those kinds of things, while surely being purely sale-tactics, warm the heart a little, don't you think? It's all the better since I actually -am- enjoying eating them.. I have one in my mouth right now, slowly chewing it down while typing. My mother calls me "the Calf" back at home, because when I get back home, the cost for milk consumption rises by 100%. With only a wee bit of help from my little sister and the person cooking for the day, I alone have no problem consuming three liters of milk in one week. Actually, quite often mom has to go buy more milk by Fridays, because either it has run out or will within the nearest three or so hours. My only comfort - and also my defense in the matter - is that the dentist says it's good to drink milk, it strengthens the teeth. And I'd like to trust in the Japanese, that claim that calcium is good for building up patience; if that's the case, then I am positively the most patient person in this world. Do I have a point when I write this? Is there a goal I am trying to reach, some glorious moral that will appear somewhere among the final lines? There probably was one when I started, but by now I've completely forgotten what it was. Unless you enjoy reading my accounts of how my last cracker now has been started upon, or want to share my desperation over the fact that the milk in the cup is almost finished, then I am afraid that you will get disappointed. Frankly I could keep writing like this forever - or at least until I fall asleep on the keyboard. Despite being mostly ill still, dragged down by this wretched cold that has taken a hold of my brain and nose and wrecks my body with fever, I went and joined in with one of the Friday parties that occasionally are held here at school. They are unofficial, Probably shouldn't be held at campus and really should keep the volume of the music down a bit, but they are fun none the less. I'm not really a party person normally - I don't drink for starters - but with the musicians gathered there's always something fun bound to happen. And as always, I didn't get disappointed. This time it was more like the normal party, they took turns adding songs to a spotify list and cheered and sang along, danced and danced.. I think they're still dancing actually. I began to feel tired, so I retreated... But, I can't really go to bed right away, not while I'm this wound up, so I decided to share my mood with you all. Which is love! And slight drowsiness. I'm in a hugging mood, so line up and join in, and no awkward don't-know-your-name hugs! I want real ones, body to body, where you get to feel that warm comfortable feeling of being close to someone. The -really- close hugs will be saved for a certain someone, but aside from that, there is enough Malin for everyone! I think I'm actually starting to get tired now.. I should, at least. I'm having a cold, I've been dancing and singing and it's 1 am now, and my eyes are almost closing on themselves... I'll leave you with a sample of the music we were digging to! I actually think I found the version we were listening to - it's hard to tell since we were singing along and dancing until the floor swayed but I think it's this one.. Enojyyyyy! ^^ This is the all time favorite, along with .. yeah. I'm not the one requesting this, okay? Seriously.. Please believe me. I can't help but laugh whenever the entire room starts to sing along with it. I even do, for some reason. I'm so weak against group pressure. Hey, I was going to bed! Why are you distracting me like this? *waves and runs away before she has time to change her mind*

[Rista]

Eureka! I think I've found it. The background that suits me and Rista alike, that is. It's discreet and distinct at the same time, I like the colors and the pattern... I think, that from now on I'll use it in my posts instead of the usual 'frametrans=black,3'. It feels a bit more.. personal. Somehow. I have this feeling that I've been acting silly for a while. I've been complaining back and forth, sounding as if the world was about to come to an end. Well, right now things have calmed down to the point where I'm beginning to feel downright bored, and while I know the consequences of it I still look around for more things to do. Did you see the Workshop I opened? ^^ If you are in need of a profile picture, a custom avatar or signature, don't hesitate to stop by and put up a request. I love helping people out, especially when it benefits me by giving me something to do. It's been a while since I was truly active with Photoshop, and I kind of miss my tablet a bit but I still have the feeling in my fingertips! So keep it coming, my dear Mizaharians. Throw your worst at me, and I'll challenge myself in order to satisfy your needs for that special something you need to crown your PC with. Aside from marketing myself, I don't really have a lot to say. My cold has mostly passed by now, I have this lingering cough that annoys me and makes waking up rather unpleasant, and there's this nauseous feeling at my throat all the time, but I think I can live with that. At least my brain has stopped trying to escape through the nose, it has to count for something. I've begun to listen to a singer called Lars Winnerbäck lately. He's a modern equivalent of a bard, I'd say; he writes his songs and puts music to them and then he sings, without paying much attention to how things 'should' be done. He is immensely popular here in Sweden, but I've only begun to understand his charm quite recently. I'll give you a taste of his style and lyrics, okay? ^^ I did the translation with a little help from google, so please enjoy. "Dunkla Rum" (dim/dusky rooms) "Wipe the tears my friend I think I know roughly how it feels like trying to dance with an authority You just wanted a home, a place something sensible to do, anything If there was time for something to grow If there was room for a little dignity Here you get kicked in the queue for a place I do not even want to enter Chewing in the entire tail There is always something in the way and you take you always loose and you rush but still captures the ground your feet I can not help you up can not light up the way you run I can not rock you warm and calm you have a different voice, different color, Another country, with other bells ringing I can't get into your dusky rooms It is a battle behind the wall you hit the empty containers This is hell forecourt In December you stand still in a tunnel and crowding, and crowding, and everyone's just talking If only there were something to say If there were reasons to want to participate You see, I can not even bring myself to help someone else This is "Be Your Own Star Show ' This is the "Bite and kick ' Giving just what you need and take what you can get I would like to help you up and be able to light up the way you run If I could cradle you warm and calm I hear enough, the same voice and live in the same country with the same bells ringing You're not walking alone through dusky rooms The vase wobbling on the edge of the table The thunder rumbles above your roof Uphill, it is easier, but downhill it's steep Can not land there with your back straight The horns roar, you lost the battle At no time you have lost your passion Nothing new under the sun we have seen all the time One man's bread, the other's death Look at the people who toil for someone else's results See how the fly is stifled in the spider's web See the hyenas who digs in the carcass for food Look at the beetle in decaying wood I can not help you up Can not light up the way you run I can not rock you warm and calm We are herd sheep in the time of wolves It is the vultures' bells that are ringing No light where we wander and run Around in our dusky room We are herd sheep in the time of wolves It is the vultures' bells that are ringing No light where we wander and run Around in our dusky room"

[Rista]

"Roses" I've walked the distance, I paid my dues and tried to have a go at what I thought I knew was real, held no appeal I've been to places, I've seen the tidings, I bought a book of rules for every coin that I could steal And so I came to gaze upon the stars, when they were yet unborn And consequently, tear at my old scars, and the mask I had outworn So when I'm crying alone Yeah, when I'm cold as a dying stone Grow me a garden of roses Paint me the colors of sky and rain Teach me to speak with their voices Show me the way and I'll try again I've heard the rumors, started fires, I sowed a sordid lot of plays for keeps for what I need, behold the demons that I freed I've tried my best at wearing the hard hat, but healing doesn't seem to happen when you hide away the seed And so I came across the medicine man, and he showed me what I'd forlorn For if I'm stayed it happens by my own hand, and my own voice full of scorn So when I'm crying alone Yeah, when I'm cold as a dying stone Grow me a garden of roses Paint me the colors of sky and rain Teach me to speak with their voices Show me the way and I'll try again Without you I'm nothing at all And life has the face of a morbid game With you nothing seems impossible It all seems to fit the frame So when I'm crying alone Yeah, when I'm cold as a dying stone Grow me a garden of roses Paint me the colors of sky and rain Teach me to speak with their voices Show me the way and I'll try again Poets of the Fall

[Rista]

O__O Don't steal bikes, okay? I love fairies...

[Rista]

The Dangers of eating Too much Ice-Cream and Other Terrifying Tales Did you know? It is quite possible to eat too much. I've always found this topic to be rather confusing. I mean, food is tasty, it is filling and most of the time healthy, it is vital to our survival and for the maintenance of our bodily functions. So how can it be that you can have too much of it? It's not fair. If I got to choose I'd probably eat all the time, provided it was something tasty and that I had something to do while eating. Reading a book, watching a movie, talking to nice people.. Even listening to music. I love my school, but sometimes I don't get the meals they serve here. One week the menu could have been taken from some luxury hotel; smoked salmon, steak, baked potatoes, delicious soups, desserts whenever it's soup for lunch, not to mention all the really good vegetarian dishes they serve alongside the rest... What I don't understand is this desire to put blue cheese in everything. Usually there's a main course, a vegetarian option and something they made 'for everyone', meaning no meat, its usually pasta of some sort.. and the blue cheese cream/sauce thing that they happily pour over it all. Now lets just for a second pretend that everyone likes blue cheese and don't mind having it three or four times a week. Do they have to add so much of it? The smell is overpowering, it's this sweet-moldy sticky scent that clings in the air, sticks to the hair and the clothes and lingers in the nose even after you've left the diner. It's.. not exactly repulsive, but I can't say it's pleasant either. And besides, since when does a school kitchen put blue cheese in the food? Aren't they supposed to be struggling with the economy, always cutting down on the budget? Apparently we're not funded by the state when it comes to the lunches, otherwise there'd be no cheese whatsoever in the food. At all. The state is poor, all hail the state budget. On a more positive note, this weeks menu looked amazing. Tomorrow it was stewed macaroni with fried bologna, and for dinner pancakes. Thursday.. doesn't matter since the class will be going into town to have lessons in an old 16th century building that currently houses the local handicrafts association and has lots of really old fabrics made with different techniques.. and friday it was soup, with frozen blueberry cheescake for dessert. Delish! Okay, so I love food. I also find that I'm easily becoming obsessed with weaving. It's incredibly fascinating, not only how you can transform a bundle of single threads into a fabric fit for making both clothes and home textile, but also the sheer amount of possibilities when it comes to color, combinations, differences in density of the weave, the thickness of the yarn and so on. Also the material; what would happen if I put in silk yarn instead of wool, or cotton, or linen? I really hope we get to do experimental weaves, and try things like horsehair, coconut fibers and grass. Yesterday my teacher also hauled up a lot of hanks in amazing colors that she said was re-used silk from old sari's... some of them had to have been dyed afterwards, but in some the old colors remained and they were fabulous to watch. My fingers began to itch, I wanted to knit and weave and just hold the yarn in my hands, giggling and imagining all the wonderful things I could do with it. ^^ I feel that my greatest challenge when it comes to this subject is where to stop. I have ideas gushing out all the time, from clothing patterns to combinations between materials, to paintings and music and.. My head feels like bursting from all the things that run through it in one day. Most of the time I don't even have the time to stop and process the things I think about because I'm so busy doing other things.. I'm having such troubles focusing on just one subject, it sometimes feels like I'm going mad. There's always the possibility that I am, of course. I'll never deny the risk, since I'm unstable enough to not notice whether it happens or not. Ugh.. I forgot what I was about to say. Never mind, I'll probably remember it later. See ya later! ^^

[Rista]

Did that wake you up? Good. Not that I want you to be particularly alert or anything, I just like my audience to be awake when I perform. Ah, this feeling.. I've missed it, to be honest. To be so tired that you could just fall asleep sitting, only the mind it too clear to relax. As a result you eat sweet things to keep you awake, and as the sugar flows out into the bloodstream your thoughts becomes a mixture of surging high, silliness and aggressive irony... I love it. I am an addict by nature. Somehow I have become wise enough to keep away from more dangerous things like drugs and alcohol and smoking, but it doesn't help the fact that I obsess over things. I eat sugar until my mind spins in funny circles, I bury myself in Mizahar so much that I forget about things like friends and music and the company of others. At times, I indulge myself with fantasies about Someone and try to picture what it would be like to Possess, how I'd Be Possessed in return and how nothing else would ever matter but to be by his side. Whenever I'm caught up within it, I feel so determined, I feel so alive and real and caught up, and I'd sacrifice the world and more for the thing I believe in then and there..... But the ruse never lasts. It never has so far, and I'm afraid of waking up again, only to find myself lying in my bed with tears streaming down my face from the pain of the loss I'm feeling. It's happened before. Sometimes I dream so vividly that it's like I'm actually standing there, feeling and seeing and belonging. This is the downside of the sugar high. Aggressive sarcasm, dark brooding, pessimistic bullsh*t. I'm living a wonderful, inspiring and rich life, and yet I'm not half as happy as I should be. I just want more, faster, now, I want life to hand me everything I find interesting right away, and I don't want to work for it. Why? Because I'm a spoiled brat living in a rich and safe country, and I know nothing of what it's like to live or love or loose. I'd love to see the world end, because sometimes it bores me. If Ragnarok or Armageddon or Götterdämerung or whatever it's called came tomorrow, I wouldn't be particularly upset. In fact, I'd probably be one of those idiots that rushed towards the dangers and died first, because I was so thrilled by the fact that something finally was happening that I didn't care about my own safety. No, that was a lie. I am way too comfortable sitting here in my chair, typing away at the keyboard while not feeling anything at all. I wouldn't risk getting blisters on my heels just to see the world end; at best I'd read the headlines in the newspapers and turn on the tv, and if I happened to miss the news-show I'd probably just shrug and go to bed, without thinking more about it. The world doesn't concern me after all. Why would it? I never chose to live in it, I didn't have a say in the matter of whether I was to be popped out here or not. I didn't choose my family, I've never been able to pick my friends and it seems I'm utterly incapable of choosing an occupation for myself that would lead to anything other than misery and despair. Yes, you heard me right. You didn't just misread or misinterpret anything. I don't feel. Most of the time I'm just this acting doll, so used to the rules of the game that I'm driving on autopilot. SMILE when greeted, TALK when addressed, LAUGH when people ask what the problem is. Nothing is wrong.. I just don't care. People's problems don't interest me, I don't give a shit about your past or your interests or your plans for the future. I won't be a part of it and you won't be a part of my future, so why bother? Why should I have to feel sorry for a person I don't like, don't know, don't talk to, why do I have to interact with people at all? They just disappear anyway. This is the kind of thing I should tell my psychologist. I just haven't bothered calling her since I came here even though we agreed on it before school ended this spring. I don't wanna go to my teacher and say "Hey, you know I still feel like crap, can you make the school pay for another year of one-hour talks once a week?" I don't like having to ask others for help, and I loathe the possibility of getting rejected. I'd rather not do anything, or at least try to help myself. Why does it feel like I'm craving the attention of people all the time? I say I don't care, I claim that I hate the world and that everything is dark and black and hopeless and not worth anything. I say all that, and then I look at someone else as if they would be able to fix it all for me. What do I expect from them, really? I don't like being pitied and I hate when people give me suggestions on how to make it better, so why do I ever even open my mouth? This.. This restlessness. This impatience, it gnaws on me. Remember that post I wrote a long time ago, about the girl chained in the filthy room? Yeah, well the chains still bind, the curtains have only revealed all the shit that lies everywhere, and that opened window is stirring up dust. It's tiring just to look around and see all the things that have to be dealt with before it's possible to get up and leave, and I miss the quite darkness. Can you pull the curtains again, please? I don't feel like doing this, not right now. Come back to morrow.. actually, don't come back at all. I just wanna sleep, lay down here and close my eyes and feel how the decay ensues, how the mold spreads and time cuts her wrists and bleeds to death on the floor beneath the bed. Let's just forget it all, it's too tiring. I'm just kidding. Don't go. Don't leave. Don't you dare turn around and walk, I found you and saw you, and therefore you're mine! It's how it is, I don't care what you think about it. I have what I want to have, and Nothing will be good until I have it in my hands.. You, that is. I want to own you, Possess you, I want all of your attention to be fixed on me, belong to me, be controlled by me.. And I want you to give it to me, of your own free will. Are you scared yet? Good, because I am too. Maybe it wasn't true that I don't feel anything. That listlessness. Perhaps it's just a shield to protect people from this greed that fills me up and wants to creep out and smother everything around me? What I'm feeling.. It's so intense that I get scared, I deny it and run from it, hiding between a happy face that hides that empty, cold stare that contains... This. Obsession, addiction, possessiveness, I wonder.. What is my true nature? People call me nice and kind and calm, but I can't help but snort whenever they say that. What's up with that? Since when am I kind? I've never done an unselfish deed in my entire life; if I'm nice, it's just because I want something from you. I'm greedy, self-satisfaction is all I care about. I want you to smile because it makes me feel good, I want your laughter because of the thrill I get, the power I hold over your mind. Trust me, by all means. I won't let you down, if the only thing you expect me to do is listen. I might not care, I might not even try to help, but I'll listen. I'll even try to be honest, even though I sometimes spare your feelings and myself the trouble by not speaking my mind. Such a hassle.. I can't be bothered with talking when I could be wrong.

[Risa Moontide]

Rista, the first part is an echo of my very being. I very much enjoyed reading this latest post. I just felt like I had to say something, your words touched me.

[Rista]

Limits.. We all have them. Some more than others, and while a few persists in saying that they don't have any, there is still always a point when enough is enough. I crossed a line, and I'm sorry. Next time, I'll think a bit more before I act. That is a promise. Today.. has been lazy. I was home from school in hopes that some proper rest would help curing this long endless cold of mine. It's better, but I still get random bursts of headaches and fever, and my nose is clogged when I wake in the mornings. I want my energy back, so that I can enjoy myself to the fullest. It's what youth should be about, right?

[Rista]

Yay for sleep-deprivation! I seem to be on a path of very unhealthy behavior lately. Eating way too much sweets, staying up all night, complaining and being a bad, bad girl... I wonder what I'm trying to compensate for.

Anyway, this wasn't going to be a very long or detailed post. Actually, in about an hour I will have to go off to class, so that gives me half an hour to wash and get dressed, before eating breakfast. It's weird to be up already. normally I just skip the breakfast and jump into the cleanest clothes I can find ten minutes before class, then heads off with sleep-goo still in my eyes and without combing the hair... I hate waking up. I hate getting out of bed even more, and I loathe having to keep track of time.

I remembered just now that I have archery practice today. While normally that sounds like a wonderful idea, I can't get rid of the knowledge I have about the waiting that will have to be done as a result. Waiting for the bus, for the bus to arrive, waiting after practice is finished until the bus comes again, waiting for the bus to arrive back here at home, waiting for the dinner to warm up in the micro... It feels like a whole lot of waiting for one and a half hour of practice. I can't say for sure right now that it's worth it. Archery is fun, no doubt, but compared to taking a nap at noon or spending time for myself, reading or knitting or weaving a bit, perhaps even sitting by the computer and catching up with some writing... I don't know. It's tempting, but I'll have to see how I feel later in the day.

uugh. I don't feel like waking up. Not that I've slept anything at all, but I don't want to get alert and positive and dance around like a good puppet, doing what I should be doing... At least I don't have to talk to people unless addressed, and most of the time I can avoid that.

Maybe I'll feel better when I've had breakfast. Most things get better with food..

In a Swedish dialect there's this word, 'hurven'. It's when you feel cold and tired and want to wrap yourself in a thick blanket, shuddering and feeling small and pitiful... It's a wonderful word. It describes me so well right now. I have a blanket, and I am shivering slightly.. and I'm tired and yawning, and my eyes can't focus. I'd love to go to sleep, but it'd be a bad idea. Very, very bad... I just need to survive another 30 minutes. Then it's breakfast.

A horse, a horse, a kingdom for a horse.
A bed, a bed, a horse for a bed.. I expect the swede's on the site to understand the pun. Hästens sängar? yeah... or not. Belay that.

Next time I stay up like this, just throw a book at me or something, okay? It was a bad, horrible idea.

[Rista]

No Are you good at saying no to people? I've always found it to be a hard thing to do. Whenever someone asks me of something, I often feel compelled to do it simply because they bothered to ask. Most of the time it's never about major things; could be to give a paper to someone, follow along on a trip, go to a party, do this or that around the home... Not really something major or all too bothersome. Not something to get stressed over. Still, there are times when I really don't feel like doing anything for anyone. Myself included. Why is it so hard then to straighten the back and say, 'No, I don't want to' without including sorry excuses for why? It's not like anyone will hate me if I don't go to a party. It's not like someone will kill themselves if I refrain from going on a fair or join on a road-trip. I need to set my foot down more often. Things would become so much easier if I just learned to say no when I felt it was a no, instead of coming with half-hearted promises of coming and then changing my mind at the last second. My credibility is wearing thin, and I wonder how much patience people have with my inability to decide what it is I want. I wouldn't blame them for being annoyed. I am annoyed.