[Gossamer's Scrapbook] The Ethereal Canyon I

[Cachet]

Amen

[Gossamer]

. Apologies I can't stand them... seriously. I've been thinking about apologies lately and I've come to the realization that they just seem to piss me off. Sad huh? Well I had to dig deeper and find out the root of this issue... and I've come to a conclusion: Normally they aren't sincere. Have you ever had someone apologize to you specifically or have you witnessed someone issue a general apology out into the world? I have. Generally I hate these situations. Why? They always come off horribly insincere. People follow a set pattern when they behave badly then later regret that behavior (or want people to think they regret that behavior) because of what it's done to their image. It's very easy to spot, despite situations and circumstances that lend themselves to confusion. No one ever JUST says... "I did this. I'm sorry I did this." People need to leave it at that. If folks did, I'd probably like apologies a lot more. Instead, they taint their apologies with things that shift the blame from themselves to others. "I did this.. I'm sorry I did this... but I did this because...." Anytime you add the but, you shift the responsibility from yourself to the other person. Wrong. If you were a jerk, apologize for being a jerk, don't tell someone you were a jerk BECAUSE.... Adding that because or but into an apology is like throwing your own bad behavior a get out of jail free monopoly card. And like monopoly it is just about as realistic. Generally the 'because/but' or 'clause' in the apology is followed by a string of reasons that usually run the gauntlet from abuse to diseases. What do I mean? The but is usually claused "I am chronically a jerk because..." I was molested, raped, beaten, ignored, or otherwise abused as a child or followed by a mental list of things people have ranging from depression, chronic anxiety, chronic fatigue, FM, anxiety over eating, bulimia, bi polar disorder - all evidently giving folks the right to be assholes and of course most of the mental was caused by the physical abuse. Everyone has problems. Get over yourself and put your grown up pants on. Guess what? I know a ton of women who were abused, myself included. I even know some guys that were abused. That doesn't give them an all expense paid trip via thrill ride to Jerkville. There is no unlimited Mastercard Gold for funding your jerkhood. I know a lot of people who have chronic depression and never once act like an asshole here and then blame their depression. One of my dearest friends often openly scraps about her depression and guess what? We've never been in a situation in all the time we've known each other where one of us has to apologize to the other for being an asshat. We know what it feels like to be the recipient of sexual abuse or rape. We understand that it screws with you as life moves on. But it doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. I just want to shout... "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU REALLY FUCKING KIDDING ME?" I remain calm, but that inner raging monster I hold within and only unleash occasionally is at the end of her chain and snarling and throwing spit. Now.. that being said, let me talk about more insincere apologies. When a real wrong been committed against someone, a real apology is needed. But you never see it. For Example: Say I blame someone for something that I just KNOW they did without proof, then later I find out they didn't do it - someone else did - I should very officially and very publicly apologize. If I do, I have to say exactly what it was I screwed up about and clear them of guilt. But, what if I do something else? If I just simply say ... "I'm sorry my accusations offended you." Guess what I'm doing there? I'm shifting the blame taking the spotlight off my wrongful accusations and putting it on someone's very right reaction. I'm basically adding to the wrong I've committed by piling more attention on their reaction than by what set someone off. When I really want to see the core of a situation, I never look at effects. I look at root causes. People don't just creatively effect without a cause around here. There's always a cause. So apologize for the cause, not the effect. Sometimes the effect can't be helped. The other thing I see a lot of is ambiguity. Let me give you an example. When I was five I was dancing in a group that did competitive dances and because I was mutantly tall I was put in with older girls. They were eight to eleven. They would always talk about this Jen who had no boyfriend, no boobs and was a horrible person because her skin was too dark and her profile too Native. They'd do it in front of me constantly but say something like..."Oh, we don't mean you, Jen. We're talking about another Jennifer. No Offense. Don't take it personally." Okay, I was five. There was no way in hell I should have had boobs or a boyfriend, and yes I was going to take it personally I was a kid and they were talking about me. There's been multiple times on here that someone has WENT THE HELL OFF ON ME and then later said 'Oh, I was talking about something irl when there's no way it would fit their IRL'. I also love it when they start to explain this with the very passive aggressive phrase..."Well, if you must know...." Don't use that with folks, people... its rude. It implies you are butting into their business when you could care less if say their family or their little irl club has drama. When someone is a chronic jerk then apologizes in a way that blames their past, their abuse, or others on their actions I just shake my head and label them attention whores. Yes. I'm a big meanie, I know, but it certainly comes off that way. It's like if they can't get attention by being jerks, they get attention by apologizing and prostrating themselves in front of others on the site. We have several of these folks site wide. And thereafter I tend to be very very cold to them because at that point I've seen their true colors and its nothing I want to add to my life's color scheme. Those types, the attention mongers, are just as bad as the over-apologizers. You know the ones. They apologize for every little thing, start out help desk tickets with I'm sorry to bother you, PMs with 'I'm really sorry I'm PMing you. I'm really sorry I exist. I am really sorry if I offend you. I'm sorry I'm breathing... I'm sorry you don't like that color or its not your favorite color... I'm sorry you don't like that. I'm sorry I'm typing right now. I'm sorry I'm saying sorry!" Just give it a rest already. No one really thinks your sorry. So... that's the end of my rant on Apologizing. I make no apologies for it. I'm not really sorry if I offended anyone either. I just want to get people to start thinking about things they do, say, and then apologize for. Make sure its in a good place. Make sure its from the heart or at least driven by common sense. I know its a lot to think of.. but this topic is very important to me. .

[Phoenix]

Hey, guess what? I'm not sorry that your completely right.

Honestly, I used to be a chronic over apologizer. Sometimes I still do it, but not very often, and usually only when I've lost myself in my problems and slip up

But having stepped away from being a chronic over apologizer, I've realized that it was just a testiment to my immaturity and lack of self esteem. I think that is another big part of what you were talking about in that last bit. Maybe they aren't really sorry, but immature and insecure. I know I didn't realize it until I grew out of it

[Cheshire]

I can totally see where you are going with this. I cannot begin to explain how much it bothers me when people use excuses as to why they are being a horrible person. I had a friend like that, scratch that, I have had MANY friends like that. One in particular would constantly do rude things to people (flip out on them, talk about them behind their back, etc.) and then come back with the excuse "I'm really sorry I did this to you but I was [reasoning here] and that is why I did it." It bothers me mostly because while nothing completely horrible has ever happened to me, I have been through some really hard times in my life and I never let them change who I am. My father's wife used to constantly tell me I would never achieve anything in life and that people would never stay my friend for one reason or another (I'm trying to keep this from getting all "woe me-ish" since that that's not why I'm writing this). Did it hurt, absolutely. I could have started lashing out at people because of her but I decided to take it in a different direction. If someone was treating me in a way that hurt, I did not want to do that same. It made me not want to put myself into situations where I had to repetitively apologize for rude behavior because it was exactly what she did to me. "Sarah, I'm sorry that I blah blah blah. I am just overworked from my job and I feel stressed so I took it out on you." Even with that explanation it didn't make anything better and it never stopped her from doing it again. I never wanted to get into that habit and in turn, it gave me more patience for others because in total truth, getting angry and making excuse filled apologies makes me no better than my dad's wife.

That droned on longer than I thought. Anyways, I totally get what you mean. Also when I see people PM me and go "Hello Cheshire, I'm really sorry to bother you but I have this question. Sorry for the interruption." I just go "Awww, I'm not that scary am I?" The Cheshire fangs and claws are simply to keep the polar bear poachers at bay. I welcome the interruption (and I say this)! I wouldn't be a ST if I didn't want to help!

[Cachet]

Jen you are indeed right more than you could imagine. I would like to offer my ten cents in as well. My wife is a wonderful woman. I would go to hell and back for her. Time and time again. And I may add at times I feel like I already have. When I met her I never could’ve imagined what a twisted household she came from. Her mother is a manipulative bitch that will do whatever she has to however she has to in order to get her way. Her favorite method is playing the victim with apologies much like the ones you outlined Jen. Her mother gets angry about something that I may or may not have a clue about and then to play the victim apologizes about how she “Isn’t good enough to do something” or how “she’s so sorry that she is incompetent about something, or doesn’t understand something.” She then proceeds to throw a pity party about her incompetence (which is all cloak and dagger) and continues on later like nothing happened. I’ve put up with fake apologies so much that like you Jen I am so tired of them it just friggin hurts. When her mother says anything I discount it completely. Nothing she says means shit. The friggin woman wasn’t even there to help her eldest daughter get ready to walk down the isle! No but guess what MY MOTHER WAS! And she made plenty of excuses about that, and about how she had to help the second daughter in line get ready. Well that’s a little bullshit because when she got there she wasn’t ready at all.. So? Well I’ve come to the point where for some people in my life I will never accept apologies from. No matter how sincere they seem I know better. Maybe I am jaded because they have lied and deceived me so much. But truth be told I really don’t care. Nothing they say can take away the damage they have done, and will continue to do because of the way they operate. I don’t wish death on them; I really don’t wish death on anyone. I just wish one day they will wake up and see what they have done. And what they are doing. Maybe then they will make a life change instead of apologizing to me for something I know they will continue to do.

[Taln]

Anyone sending posts, PM's, chat convos, scraps, blogs and HD tickets using the word sorry, must first fill out the form below:

Secret :

Please turn in this completed form to our new apology desk at: mizasasshatapologies.com






Too much?

[Caelum]

There’s a phrase a former teacher of mine used to say all the time: “I’d rather your gratitude than your regret”. He hated receiving excessive apologies from people. He hated the implications on both the apologizer and himself. If someone said, “I’m sorry to bother you”, he would immediately retort, “I’d rather you were thankful for my time”. He was so annoyed by a student one day he told him, “You sure do seem sorry. Don’t you have an ounce of self esteem? If not, go find it before speaking to me again.” I tend to go by that same rule. Well, save for when I’m being a sarcastic meanie head or, as my mother would say, far too southern for my own good. Post script: I am having a damnably hard time resisting the urge to jokingly apologize for posting in your scrap book. Oh, look, passive aggressive giving in.

[Oracle]

As a chronic apologizer I will not say sorry for my past annoyances but just promise to do better.

We all have things we have to work through and cannot hide behind them forever. This includes myself. I always preach that bad pasts cannot be blamed for poor manners. Well bad pasts cannot be blamed for annoying behavior stemming from insecurities either.

Your scraps are always a pleasure to read and thought provoking.

[Gossamer]

. Wordplay Think about this a minute. What does she really mean? Is she talking about a power vocabulary? Does Phoenix refer to the big nasty? And what skills is she talking about? Is she referring to their skills as a person, their skills in bed, their skills with a pen? I laughed and laughed and laughed when she said this because I could actually apply the saying a thousand ways and it will still keep working. Brilliant. .

[Verilian]

Look Jen, I'm sorry. What am I sorry for? Well if you must know, I am sorry that I agree with you, but not because I think its my fault. I'm sorry that everybody else needs to apologize for everything but I dont because, if they must know, .... okay.. I cant think of anything else clever or sarcastic to say about this. I'm so sorry my mind has drawn a blank, but its because of working overtime and my coworker is an idiot and.. okay.. I'll stop now. I'm not sorry if I offended anyone with my sarcastic remarks.