[Aidara's Scrapbook] It's Real For Us

[Aidara]

Moderator Note:

Jen's change in her mod intervention colors made me realize that I didn't have one of my own.

Tried to keep it to the same fonts and stuff that I have been using to be consistent, and also copied the format of Jen's, cause it's pretty.

[Aidara]

Alright, so a few days ago I finally washed all that shit out of my hair. Lemme tell you, a shower never felt so wonderfully delicious. The results are not what I expected. I'm slightly disappointed, and hoping that it will stay frizzless but loose some of the straight as time goes on. Please don't tie me to the stake and burn me when you see the pics, Jen. Ignore the "myspace" type photos. I was taking them myself. The sad face : Glamour shot? :

[Aidara]

Why can't everything just be easy? It's time to whine, so look away if you don't want to see my cry. Look, I know I am a good writer, but I have my doubts like everyone else. Sometimes the words are harder to find than others, and while I know I should feel accomplished after struggling through a post... I don't. I read it, and it sucks. I know I am my biggest critic, and maybe that's what keeps me going. But I know anyone who is reading this has had that person in their life that is just never happy about anything. Maybe it's your parents, or a friend, but no matter what you seem to do for them, it's never good enough. It's really frustrating, isn't it? I know I get frustrated that I can never please myself. This time, the aggravation was spurred by Cailet. I love her to death. I haven't played her very much at all (Two threads total, actually) but most of her story prior to creation I've already written in my head. It might not be groundbreaking, but it's also not cliche. It's Cailet, plain and simple, and I'm completely attached to this PC. I'm even going so far as to (eventually) document all of her past in flashbacks, mostly solo's but maybe with some guest mod's just to make it go a bit easier. Solo's are the bane of my existence, I can't seem to get them started, ever. I always do something else first, thinking the solo's can wait till after when I have time to get them done...but I never have time. That's not what irritates me though. What does, is that I don't feel like I am going to do this PC justice. Sure, there are plenty of PC's out there that are far better developed and stuff than Cailet but... whatever. Shes only the second PC that I have made that has actually made it past the planning process, and she has been in the works for almost a year. Aidara was my first. She swayed from my original idea, and ended up just being a projection of myself with redder hair and with no problems sleeping around. She's not difficult to play; I can just slip into her mind and go for it. I'm having trouble "finding" Cailet. She can talk to shadows, she is haunted by a little girl she inadvertently killed, she has projection skills and is supposed to be a badass fighter. HOLY shit what did I get myself into? I suck writing combat I have never really implemented the use of magic in my posts before (other than healing) And I have NO IDEA how to play the ghost without it being corny. On top of all of that, I want to be consistent. I don't want to play all of this one way, and then find a better way and change it. I can't let myself do that, and I think it's why I haven't really started any threads with Cailet, even though I am dying too. I've talked to Jen about it a few times, asking her if it was worth it to try and balance her between being neutral evil and chaotic evil, while also being consumed by these vices of hers, rather than driven crazy by them (Because that's just cliche). She gave me some really good tips and ideas, but yet I struggle. So maybe I'm not as good a writer as I thought. I have told multiple people multiple times that I am horrid at overreacting plots, or even just setting goals of where I want my PC to end up. I do know that I don't want Cailet to just putter aimlessly and pointlessly around Lhavit. I want to her to be badass with a badass story, damn it. I'm so not badass, and I want to live through her. Help me.

[Tessa Poe]

So... second time typing this following a mess up on posting.

Now what did I put last time? I can't remember... oh wait! My sympathies about your inner critic, mine tends to scream and scream at me whenever I read over anything I've written, pointing out anything and everything that isn't exactly perfect. Which is good in a way since it means I do try and improve things, but it's actually quite disheartening when you've spent a couple of hours on something and then you hate every last bit of it. Or you just ignore it entirely and just try your best.

As for combat? I have two strategies with it. I tend to try and construct it like a roleplaying fight, as in dividing it up into rounds, and then spend quite a lot of time picturing the scene in my head and then just try and describe anything and everything involved in it.

And finally, if you ever want to bounce ideas around for the overarching plot you've got in mind just drop me a line and I'll do my best to help

[Phoenix]

[center] The random image I had here is gone yes.

[Phoenix]

Also, I am massively in love with this picture... Which is why I'm keeping the size massive

[Aidara]

Things Go Wrong So why do they always have to go REALLY wrong? I've said before to many people that I have a good life, and I do. I have a place to live, I have food, I have people that love me and even my own dog. I'm going to school, I'm not completely poor, and I have friends. Miz makes me happy, I can afford books that also make me happy, and I have a car. I know I have a lot more than other people do, so I have no reason to complain. So normally, I don't complain. I live with Ian's parents in their house, for free. I moved cross country and they understood the leap that I was making to A) Finish school at a decent University so I could then get a decent job and B) to be with their son. Things are not perfect here. Not by a long shot. Here I am, an outsider moving into the middle of a families home, exposed now to the family dynamics that a normal visitor or even friend is not subjected too. But I can't complain! I'm living here for free! They don't even ask me to pay for anything and are providing everything for me. I can't complain Except fuck it, because I am going to complain. I have been holding in so much anger over this situation that today, I just exploded in a mass of tears and chest wrenching sobs. It was like the movies; I was seething one moment, and then next I was sinking to the floor of the garage in full blown sobs. I have lived on my own. I had an apartment with my best friend and it was awesome. We got along so well that it was almost like living with myself. We never argued over cleanliness or food or possessive issues or anything. We were best friends when we started living together and we were sisters when we both had to move out. Perfect situation. But she went to Grad school and I did not, so while she headed off to New York City, I moved back into my childhood home at my parents house. Anyone who has done this knows the stifling feeling of lost freedom. Things that didn't matter before, I noticed now. My dad always unplugged my toothbrush, and it was dead by the time I went to use it. My brother ALWAYS ate practically all the lunch meat in just one sandwich, leaving none for anyone else...and I always found this when I was most hungry. Stupid little things that didn't really matter...but yet did, because they were annoying. But then there were the bigger things. My dad didn't like showers that were longer than five minutes. When you have as much hair as I, you know that it's impossible to shampoo, condition and wash yourself in five minutes. My mom was very easy going, and there was never really any problem living with her, except she wanted to talk all the time and would always walk into my room without asking. So when I went to go live with someone elses parents, I figured hey, I've done this before, no sweat! Oh, how wrong I was. Being in a long distance relationship was hard. Very hard, considering the time difference that was between us. I knew that I needed to do something, like move, when I found myself spending most of my day sitting on my bed on Skype. That isn't living, no matter how you spin it. How long would it have been till we ran out of things to talk about, if all we did was sit there. So. I moved. It was a hard decision that a lot of people didn't understand. I probably wouldn't have done it if I didn't get the benefit of finishing college at a MUCH better school than the one I was at. While we were apart, I was well aware of how much Ian had to do on a daily basis. He was constantly having to leave his computer to go do something for someone, fix something, get something, whatever. He moved back home to his parents because his dad had a gastric bypass and other health complications that left him practically helpless. Since Ian's mother works 12 hour days, she couldn't help her husband. So they called Ian back home, and he came. But now things are better healthwise with his father. He isn't bed ridden, he can move around and function...but still, he has Ian do everything for him. Everything. Carry his dinner to him while he sits on the couch. Gets him things while he sits on the couch. Carries stuff upstairs for him while he sits on the couch.The way these people wait hand and foot on this man make me sick to my stomach, and I've told him so. Feeling as though I can't bad mouth the man that is letting me live in his house for free, however, I do let it go. Ian's brother also lives at home. And he doesn't do anything. While Ian is left to clean the whole house, his brother stays in his room glued to his tv or xbox. I even do cleaning that he won't do, so that Ian isn't left doing it all himself (As it should be, since I live her too.) Not only that, but when Ian doesnt do any of these millions of chores, he gets bitched at. When Ians brother does one chore, he gets thanked multiple times like he just saved the entire families life. And I swear to you, I would be saying this even if I wasn't dating Ian. He is treated like a god damn slave. So why do I care? I care because I see someone I love treated like shit, and he has no option but to take it. If he stands up for himself, there is a blow out like no other. I konw hes a big boy and can take care of himself, and if it really bothered him that badly, we can leave etc etc...I get it. I know the options, but not all the options are very viable at this moment in time. On top of everything else, I'm stuck in the family politics. They're trying to save money, decrease the spending. So they spend $500 to get some bushes cut down that...didn't need to be cut down. Ian and I go to a movie, and we get hell for it. They buy new frivilous things for a Suburban that gets 9 miles to the gallon and costs upwards of $200 to fill up, and Ian wants to get new things for his semester...He gets ripped into. If we go out and decide to stay out for a little while to get out of the house and have fun together, we get angry calls asking where the fuck we are and why we're fucking around when there is stuff that can be done. I've never felt like a prisoner before. It's like we aren't allowed to do anything unless we have permission first. I find myself asking Ian things like "Are we going to get in trouble for this?" before we go and do anything Basically what I am trying to say is what I see here is four very opinionated, confrontational people that cannot for the life of them see what is wrong with themselves, can't see that they are doing the exact things that they are pointing at other people for. Ian included, he is not innocent in this. I can't fully explain the situation, i can't even fully explain my anger anymore. Right now I just feel numb. I've done my crying, but I know once the numbness goes away I'm going to be pissed again. I hope they don't ever read this, either. I know I need to stop taking these things personally, because I'm not the one getting yelled at, I'm not the one doing the stupid chores for lazy people. I'm barely effected at all, because a lot of the time I try and help and they say "No no, we can do it" just because they still want to make sure that I am happy. So why the fuck am I complaining?! I guess I'm taking on the pain and hurt that I feel like Ian should be feeling. Whether he is feeling it or not, I don't really know. I see him get mad and frustrated, but that's the end of it. It's like he's accepted his lot in life and is going to deal with it for as long as he has too. I guess that makes him stronger than me, or maybe I just haven't accepted his lot in life when it comes to this house. It doesn't matter either way, I just can't wait to have a life of my own.

[Jameson Kindle]

Bless your heart, Julie… I have seen this happen to a really good friend of mine before… And even myself. I had a girlfriend who meant the world to me. Her parents were very strict on everything, and sound a lot like Ian’s parents. Especially with the waiting hand and foot on them thing. They loved me to death and yet she got the blame for shit she didn’t even do. Her cousins come over, they wreak havoc and break shit, and she would get the blame for getting mad and telling them what for, because he aunt and uncle fail to discipline their children. I mean, I’ve seen here rage until she was in tears… She slowly descended into this numb shell of a person who acted only to please others. It was heart wrenching. I feel for you, I really do. I want to tell you the same thing I have told her: Sometimes you have to do for YOURSELF, because if you’re always living to suit others, you will never be yourself. And as I’ve told you before, it’s about being real. If you’re living to please others, dear Julie, you won’t be REAL. Love yourself, love what you have, and you do. I see it in everything you write, everything you say, everything you share. I know how your situation feels, and it hurts me to see you going through it. Yes, I’m new here. Yes, we just met. And yet you have been one of the kindest, most helpful, gentle people I have met here. Not to mention hilarious, and entertaining, and encouraging! I admire what you’ve gone through to be here today, and that you feel like you can open up to me. I’ll be here for you. I’ll listen, when you just need that set of ears to be open. Always. “Keep calm, and carry on.”

[Aidara]

"Keep calm, Carry on" has recently become one of my most favorite quotes. I have heard it a million times before, and wrote it off as a song lyric or something. Ian explained to to me, and ever since he's done so I've had a new appreciation for the phrase. Your words lifted my heart, they really did. Ian has seen lately how upset that I have been getting, and told me today that he wouldn't be upset if I went back home, considering how miserable I am. That nearly broke my heart, not because he was trying to get rid of me or because we were breaking up. He's not, ans we're not. I am honestly his only support system and he was going to send be away for my benefit, even if it made things harder on him in the end. I don't think I gave him enough credit in the last post I made. No matter how much he gets shit on, he always goes back to help. His dad can call him a peice of shit and he'll still get up and ask if there is anything he can do for him. His family can argue and he's still going to do all of the house work for them. His mom can yell at him and he'll still get up from what he's doing and help her pick up something heavy. He is so much stronger than I am. Yes, I have to live for myself, but Ian is worth all of this. He is one of the gentlest, most kind hearted people that I have ever met who was dealt a shitty hand of cards. And I am going to continue to do what I can to help. Yes, we have our disagreements. He gets frustrated at his family and is stuck running around all day, so when I ask for something, he might snap at me. But I don't take it personally. We're human. I snap at him, we get in fights. Probably more than we should, but thinking back on it... the fights wouldnt have occurred if we werent here, in this house. This is all temporary. It's fixable. It'll be over one day. And hopefully, when "one day" comes, it'll be worth it. Fingers crossed. But thank you Daniel. Just knowing that I am not a complete idiot for how I feel and have been reacting. I appreciate your friendship, however new it is. You are a sweetheart to the core.

[Jameson Kindle]

You can handle anything. That is all.