[Chaelnomyl's Scrapbook] Alexithymia

[Chaelnomyl]

. Alexithymia - "Without Words for Emotion" I took this picture in Pike's Peak National Forest, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Reminds me of the Sound of Music. "The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music" that part. :] Addictions fill the table where the family used to sit And conversate, conversate to the sound Of a record player, with its jumping needle and the lights that grow dim over time. With down-cast eyes...there's more to living than being alive. With down-cast eyes...there's more to living than being alive. Are you where you thought you'd be? So beautiful and only twenty-three... Opposition rests in the hearts with no, with no, with no opportunity It's not that we don't talk... It's just no one really listens and honesty fades. Like a politician lost in the course, All smiles and no one remembers our names. -Alexithymia, Anberlin Vitals. Gender: Female. Age: 21. Nationality: Texan. Genetically, Heinz 57. Mostly English, French, Norwegian. Location: Colorado. Major: Bachelor of Science - Biomedical Science (Animal Concentration) at Colorado State University I am being phagocytosed by science. I have absolutely no idea what I will put in here honestly. I'm just creating this because I'm tired of thinking about my two tests tomorrow. I will probably just end up throwing up pictures and song lyrics and stuff. The rules are don't annoy me, and every post must start off "Our great and glorious Chaelynomnom, I beseech thee". Okay just kidding. You should contribute song lyrics, poems or quotes when you post. Doesn't matter what that quote, lyric or poem is. Anyone who knows me knows that I express myself best in song-lyric, poem or quote form. That and I think singers, poets and famous people express my emotions better than I do. And I love songs.

[Chaelnomyl]

I've recently rekindled my love with Matchbox Twenty, and with Rob Thomas. "She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough. I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in. I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me. I feel like something's gonna give and I'm a little bit angry. This aint over, not here. Not while I still need you around. You don't owe me, we might change it. Yeah... We just might feel good." -Push, Matchbox Twenty These two upcoming tests are insane. I gotta say, that in 9 hours, I'm going to mentally explode in Immunology. I should probably go to bed, but its driving me nuts (and making it hard to study for Nerve and Muscle: Toxins, Trauma and Disease. Luckily i have 2 1-hour breaks before that class and it seems fairly easy...) because its like, a month into the class, the first test is over like, 5 chapters... and get this! We have to know incredible details like "describe the MAP-K signal cascade" and "explain each step of the complement and alternative pathway cascades." The best part is that a lot of this crap has completely weird names. Like. Okay. Chemokine TNF alpha. Tumor. Necrosis. Factor. That sounds like it kills tumor cells or something right? Yeah no. It makes your blood vessels leaky so macrophages can crawl into your tissues and eat the bad guys. What the heck seriously? Yeah. And the complement stuff is a complete joke. C4bC2bC3b is what cleaves C5 in the classical pathway to start the MAC ATTACK! C3bBbC3b is what cleaves C5 in the alternative pathway to start the MAC ATTACK! The one that takes the cake though is MAP Kinase Kinase Kinase activating MAP Kinase Kinase which activates MAP Kinase, which binds to the transcription factor to start gene expression. Are you kidding me? Who names this crap, and you REALLY couldn't think of something more creative than writing a bunch of "KINASE"?! MAPKKK MAPKK MAPK. Do you realize how retarded I sound when I recite this stuff? I was literally laughing in the library earlier at MAP KKK MAP KK MAP K and C3bBbC3b. lol. Holy Cheeze. Seriously. I feel like just taking my paper tomorrow, and drawing a bunch of arrows and writing "JOHN FING MADDEN!" and seeing what my professor says. lol. I'm going to bed. Scientists are insane.

[Jedo]

Anberlin = Love. <3 purty scrapbook Chael. :3 "With downcast eyes, there's more to living than being alive."

[Malia]

Your scrapbook is truly beautiful. Using song lyrics is an interesting idea. Sometimes they can really voice feelings better than us ... And I'm going to recite Falco for you: "Muss ich denn sterben, um zu leben?" Do I have to die in order to live?

[Chaelnomyl]

Ooh, I like that, Malia. =) Jedo, <3 for Anberlin indeed. They are so great. Paperthin Hymn is one of my favorites, I think. But also, (*Fin), Dismantle.Repair, and Glass to the Arson. =D So, this is the poem in Chaelnomyl's signature in full. It is called, The Wind and the Sea and its by Paul Laurence Dunbar, if you know him. He's amazing. I stood by the shore at the death of day, As the sun sank flaming red; And the face of the waters that spread away Was as gray as the face of the dead. And I heard the cry of the wanton sea And the moan of the wailing wind; For love's sweet pain in his heart had he, But the gray old sea had sinned. The wind was young and the sea was old, But their cries went up together; The wind was warm and the sea was cold, For age makes wintry weather. So they cried aloud and they wept amain, Till the sky grew dark to hear it; And out of its folds crept the misty rain, In its shroud, like a troubled spirit. For the wind was wild with a hopeless love, And the sea was sad at heart At many a crime that he wot of, Wherein he had played his part. He thought of the gallant ships gone down By the will of his wicked waves; And he thought how the churchyard in the town Held the sea-made widows' graves. The wild wind thought of the love he had left Afar in an Eastern land, And he longed, as long the much bereft, For the touch of her perfumed hand. In his winding wail and his deep-heaved sigh His aching grief found vent; While the sea looked up at the bending sky And murmured: "I repent." But e'en as he spoke, a ship came by, That bravely ploughed the main, And a light came into the sea's green eye, And his heart grew hard again. Then he spoke to the wind: "Friend, seest thou not Yon vessel is eastward bound? Pray speed with it to the happy spot Where thy loved one may be found." And the wind rose up in a dear delight, And after the good ship sped; But the crafty sea by his wicked might Kept the vessel ever ahead. Till the wind grew fierce in his despair, And white on the brow and lip. He tore his garments and tore his hair, And fell on the flying ship. And the ship went down, for a rock was there, And the sailless sea loomed black; While burdened again with dole and care, The wind came moaning back. And still he moans from his bosom hot Where his raging grief lies pent, And ever when the ships come not, The sea says: "I repent." Ah. I love it. Its just so... perfect. Also, tonight when I FINALLY got around to writing for "Like a Crow Chasing the Butterflies", I was listening to that song by Shinedown... ;] It is, after all, what I named the thread after because I was listening to it as I made the thread haha. But, it fits, if you think of it as the person being sung to as the lost history of the Akvatari. I am a supernerd, just ignore me. But I do love this song too. "Just like a crow chasing the butterflies, Dandelions lost in the summer skies. When you and I were getting high as outerspace, I never thought you'd slip away. I guess I was just a little too late. Your words still serenade me, Your lullabies won't let me sleep. I've never heard such a haunting melody. Oh, it's killing me. You know I can barely breathe..." -"The Crow and the Butterfly", Shinedown

[Chaelnomyl]

Where I've been. Schools are so annoying. I'm trying to figure out WHAT CLASS I need to take to even be qualified to apply to my home state as my first choice, and after two months of no reply, I sent another email to another address I found, and got a reply saying "we need to see the syllabus" and no answer to my second question. Thanks a lot, I'll get right on bugging professors I don't even know for syllabuses they probably don't want to share about a class I don't want to take (GG me, the class is offered at EIGHT. AM. next semester, and I have enough of a problem getting up at NINE. lol.) In other news, my current back up plan of the month (because I'm 21 and I have no idea what I want to do with my life if I fail at become a doggie doctor) is to become a medical doctor. I think I just want to practice medicine and not in a job where its like "wow why did I go get a 4 year degree to do something I could have done with 2 years of school and less money?" That and I keep telling myself that maybe once in my life I won't "almost make it" and I will just actually make it. Despite my GPA being one of my teetering edge moments about whether or not I can make it I had a rough spot sophmore year. There's an upward trend though. That's important right? I'm handling harder semesters better. I'm different. I hope review committees see that. "Dear little girl, so much hurt for such a young age. Trapped inside a pretty little lie your body's betrayed. Don't fix your eyes on a fix you'll rely on. Fixed her eyes on a fix she relies upon. Stand unafraid. All of the good souls. Stand unafraid. When the lights start to burn and the pain returns, I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight. There's life in your veins, these needles are chains to hold you down. How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight? Well, are you too afraid to fight?" "Soft Skeletons", Anberlin I think if I went into human medicine as a back up plan, I'd wanna be an Immunologist. I'm absolutely in love with immunology right now. Its so awesome. My prof is developing a vaccine for TB using yeast cells. A vaccination company is on board with her and is producing her vaccine so she can test it in her TB mice lab. High hopes of it actually working, because she seems to have figured out how to get the correct immune response by activating the pathway that isn't getting tripped by normal TB infections. If she succeeds, TB may very well be eradicated from the planet as a life-threatening infection because we'll be able to give people vaccinations for it just like we do for Hep A, B, etc. That's so awesome. I also am fascinated by - and want to contribute to solving - cancer, but I don't think I could do human oncology. How strong do you have to be to tell people they're dying more often than any other doctor? I guess animal oncology is different to me because there's a detachment. Pets are a great part of our lives but they are replacable. Maybe not completely, but the pain eventually subsides. I know, I've lost dogs I loved before to things more sudden than cancer. But people... are a completely different story. I guess its so different for me because dogs are so happy despite that they're slowly dying. I remember just last week, I was playing on the pit floor with a dog named Timber. Sweetest old man of a dog I'd ever met. Black lab. Can't remember what cancer he had. He was old and he acted it, but he was still happy. Smiling - you know how you can tell a dog is smiling? And he was wagging his tail and pawing at me as I messed around with him. Today I found out Timber died. It was sad, but its nothing compared to say, finding out your great grandmother died, or finding out that the person who is like your second mom is terminal and her kidneys are shutting down. I don't know how they do it. Maybe I've just been watching too much House lately and that's why I want to be a M.D. I imagine I would probably be a lot like House, without the vicadin. Lol. Just kidding. I'm probably more a Cameron and Formen mix. So yeah anyway, I feel bad about not being around a lot lately. Life is getting stupidly hectic, Spring break starts Saturday so I get to take a vacation from school at least. Doesn't mean I won't still be busy or that all the worries over professional school applications and crap will go away, but it will be a nice reprieve. And yeah. The lady who took care of me in high school like a second mom is terminal and her kidneys are failing and I can't be there to just tell her, you meant the world to me when I was 15-18 and how thankful I am for her ability to mend everything from busted band jacket buttons to broken hearts. Talk about sapping your writing creativity. Bah.

[Chaelnomyl]

"Live, I wanna live inspired. Die, I wanna die for something Higher than myself... Live and die for anyone else. The more I live I see... This life's not about me -Burn Out Brighter, Anberlin I'm not sure anyone reads this but then at least I can point to something and say I warned you if someone is all gee where have you been! When I finally get my butt in gear again posting wise. -_- Yesterday was Justin's birthday. Justin is my roommate from last year who died unexpectedly in July, the day after I started moving my stuff out because my parents were in town. In fact it was the first full day I spent with them. Yesterday was also the day I found out that Sue Donovan, my high school/band second-mother, the nicest, kindest, sweetest, most inspirational, lovable woman in the entire world... died at noon on Wednesday. I've never been so saddened to hear that. I haven't seen Sue in about 3-4 years. I hope she knew somewhere inside that so many people were touched by her, as seen by the giant outpouring of love to her family as soon as we all heard. So Sue goes to join Justin. I kind of hope she finds him somewhere up there and gives him a hug for me. I never quite got to say goodbye to either of them, unless you count my last phone conversation with Justin two hours before he died where we said "Take her easy" and "Cheerio" to each other after a small warning that the water heater was to be repaired that evening in case I came home to strange men in the house. Its just so... heavy. You know? Heavy hearted feelings. Completely hard to do anything but reflect and wonder. I know where Sue is at least. I hope Juh is there too. So Happy birthday, Justin Cook. And Mrs D, thanks for everything you did for me, from making sure I ate food and was hydrated during band competitions where I looked like I fell into a swimming pool made of sweat to sewing buttons, breaking rules to make sure I didn't get in trouble, listening to me ramble when I had problems at home, and helping me understand tough decisions in my life. I just wish you were here now to talk us all through this one. You may have only had 3 biological children, but when you left the world... over a hundred of your adopted children definitely felt the hole you left when you went home. I hope you know you made this world a better place by being who you were to us. I hope He shows you just how big of an impact you made in everyone's lives. I hope He lets you hear when we tell Him that we love you. Good people aren't supposed to get cancer this early and pass on. I know everyone's time is predestined and all but seriously. I wish someone could explain to me why this person, why now. Every time I get a glass of tea in a beer glass, I hear Juh behind me saying "is that beer at 9 in the morning?! You alcoholic!" And now I'll never be able to think of band without thinking of that selfless, loving, caring, inspirational, never judgmental, wonderful all around beautiful inside and out woman that was Sue Donovan. I miss you both.

[Malia]

In case that helps you a bit - I've read that, and I feel with you. There's no excuse for death which is why it's so hard to accept, I think. *hugs*

[Chaelnomyl]

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? That's alright, because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? That's alright, because I love the way you lie. I love the way you lie." ..."If she ever tries to leave again, I'ma tie her to the bed and said this fing house on fire." - "Love the Way you Lie", Eminem feat. Rhianna Eminem and Rhianna are fantastic. Don't hate. I really have fallen in love with Eminem all over again lol. That's right. I said it. Eminem is amazing. As you may have noticed, I have returned. Chaelnomyl's been calling my name and so have some of the memories of writers I really enjoy here. I've been poking around again for about a week. Finally got up the nerve to jump into chat. Two hours later I'm an AS again. Whirlwind of zomg time to come back I guess huh lol? I finally managed to officially post IC as Chaelnomyl again. I don't care that it was to a thread that is like, seasons old. Whatever. lol. I posted again. That's like an official sign that I'm back I think. *waves sheepishly* I feel like a noob all over again, and I've completely forgotten what I was doing, except exploring where exactly the Akvatari are from. I also hear Trista and I are still the only Akvatari. Success at somehow retaining unique status, and probably being one of the most useless PCs to ever grace the game. I'll wear that title proudly, thanks. Ha! =p

[Malia]

Welcome back! I'm truly happy that you've returned. There are not enough Akvatari here, but you play the race in a very unique and beautiful way, so it'd be a shame if Chael vanished from Miza forever. I still hope to meet her somewhere ic. Anyway, it's good that you've come back.