One of Those Days [Veldrys]

[Seodai]

Seodai dropped his gaze to stare at the web of tiny scratches atop his hand. They were not the bleeding sort, thank goodness. It took so very long to heal, and almost never without intervention. These were on the surface of his skin, creating a little raised, red pattern against the gold of his flesh. He mulled over the strangers words. Perhaps there was a lot of truth in them, perhaps a great deal of it resonated. He recognized his own exaggeration; most people knew him, didn't they? If not personally, then they knew he existed because of Theo. Everyone knew and loved Theo, and Seodai was an extension of that. But all alone? He wasn't sure. Perhaps, all alone, he was as invisible as he wished to be. Perhaps no one would care if he were to suddenly go, to leave behind carefully tended crops and a legacy of love and devotion to the golden Goddess of his heart. Syllke would care. Theo, too. Who else? Depressing thoughts. He plucked at his own fingernails, and canted his head aside. He took in the expression, the similarities and differences between them. It was far easier to divert the question than it was to dig into the depths of his soul for honesty, to share it with this man he didn't know. "You're different. From most of Denval, I mean. Why is that? What are you? It was hardly a groundbreaking question, and Seo took a moment to adjust the lanky limbs that folded into his pew, though he made no intention to leave. "And what were you hiding from?"

[Veldrys]

„You are hurt“, the Symenestra remarked as he looked at the human’s hand. It was covered with tiny, red scratches. Had he done this to himself? Had his, Veldrys‘, words made him so nervous? „If you’d like, I can give you something. I’m a healer ...“ He spoke in barely more than a whisper. He didnt know if this was the right time to draw Seodai’s attention to his hand. Maybe the human would be embarrassed. Maybe he would be mad and run away. Maybe didn’t want to talk about it ...

„Am I?“ he asked as Seodai remarked that he was different. He looked at his slender, pale hands that ended in black claws. „I suppose I am.“ He shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t mind looking or being different. He didn’t want to be like Seodai, at least not anymore. „I am not human. I am a ... Symenestra.“ There was a noticeable pause before he revealed his race. Most people in Denval had accepted him, to a certain extent at least, but in the rest of the world his kind were hated – for a reason, as much as he hated to admit that.

It was obvious that Seodai wanted to change the topic, but for now Veldrys didn’t mind. This here was important as well. „Have you never heard of me? I would assume it caused quite some uproar when I arrived in Denval late last year, when Viratas himself appeared before me.“ There were few other Symenestra here. In fact he had only met one, and she was long gone again. He could barely remember her name.

„You want to know what I was hiding from?“

The question surprised him. But of course it was only natural that Seodai would want to know when they were talking so much about hiding in the shadows and being invisible, and thus he answered, nearly without hesitation.

„I was hiding from the truth. I didn’t want to think about the things my people did. I ignored them. I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want to be the one that tried to change things. I just wanted a normal, pleasant life, and if they hurt others, then so be it. People hurt each other all the time, for lesser reasons.“

„At times I was hiding from myself, hiding the truth of what I am. I did things to make myself more human. If I were human, the things my people did wouldn’t concern me anymore. I could just disappear somewhere on the surface.“

He looked directly at Seodai.

„Does it surprise you that I talk about this so openly?“

[Seodai]

Seodai gazed idly at his hand as the Symenestra spoke, dismissing the offer of help with a vague shake of his head. "Just scrapes. There's no blood, so they'll heal. My skin works like it is supposed to." One of those things most people took for granted, but Seodai was thankful for. His attention was soon drawn away from his own idle musings and onto the spider in whose presence he sat. He would admit that it was a bit unnerving, the claws, the hint of fang he could sometimes see flashing behind those teeth. What he knew of the Symenestra as a race wasn't encouraging, and yet he couldn't find it in himself to balk. Many others might; Denval had been on it's own for so long that it hadn't always adapted perfectly to the influx of new, and different races. At this moment the nameless man was being anything but threatening towards him, and Seodai was intrigued. Perhaps it was something like confessional. A chance to purge the overflow of emotions he felt without having to risk it with people he knew. Safer somehow, this was. He could walk away from the fragile, lovely man with the bright eyes and the sweetness of danger on his breath, and never look back. "Maybe a little," Seodai admitted. "I'm not sure I would." But then, they'd already established something about Seodai and his introverted nature, hadn't they? "But yours seems so noble. You're escaping a dark legacy, trying to be something better. I'm just broken, and flawed, and finding it easier to simply be happy with the good things I do have."

[Veldrys]

As Seodai remarked that the things on his hand were just scrapes, Veldrys looked at him for a moment, but then he nodded curtly. His attention had already been drawn to something else. He didn’t know why he had decided to talk to Seodai about this. He had hardly ever talked about his feelings to anybody in Denval before. Maybe it was because Seodai had talked about himself, because the human had decided to reveal a part of his soul ...

„I’m not sure if what I do is noble“, he admitted and shook his head. „Some of my people wouldn’t see it this way. As far as they are concerned, the things they do are justified. They would see me as broken, as flawed because I’m here, because I live among humans, because I don’t care about their traditions, because I want to change things. No matter how much pain they cause with their actions, at least it’s working. I’m not sure if my work will ever show results ...“

Would his father cast him out if he told him what he had learned on the surface, if he told them that he considered those of mixed blood their equals, that he considered surrogates their equals and thought that they should be treated with respect? What would Hellebore say if he told him that his opinion about the surrogates had changed, that he wasn’t sure if this was the right way anymore?

„You are not any more broken than I am. Once I was happy with the few good things I had as well, but there comes a time when a few good things simply aren‘t enough anymore, when you want more ...“

He always wanted more. What he wanted to accomplish seemed impossible at times. He didn’t know if he’d ever be successful, he didn’t even know if what he was doing was right at times, but he couldn’t stop. He had to try.

[Seodai]

Seodai was silenced by Veldrys' words, in thoughtful repose. He could not imagine such a conundrum. He knew only vaguely of what Veldrys spoke, but did not feel inclined to ask after details. After all, hearing about the butchering of helpless women to propagate the continuance of a frightening race of people was hardly light conversation. Not that their discussion was light in any manner. Seodai simply wasn't prepared to venture down that road. "You're an outcast of your own design," he mused thoughtfully, canting his lovely, golden human head aside to better survey the figure in front of and just beside him. Part of him wanted to reach out to touch that pale skin, if only because he imagined that it would be cool to the touch. Nonsensical thoughts, but he wondered if that strange hair would be soft like Syllke's. Veldrys was a point of fascination for the Denvali who had not only been shut away from the rest of the world for his entire life, but had shut himself off from much of Denval for that length of time as well. "I'm much the same, I suppose. My motivations are just self-perseverance and defense, though. I'm not trying to do anything noble. I'm just tired of being different, of being wrong and... not as perfect as everyone else. So I cling to what I have that is good, and I enjoy it. Maybe, someday, I'll want more." Even as Seodai said it a contradiction flashed into his mind in the form of a picture. Oddly enough, it was Syllke whom he thought of first. The dark-haired Vantha was about as opposite as Seodai as was possible in regards to personality, but he had pushed and pulled and nudged and shoved Seodai so far out of his comfort zone that the thing had expanded out of necessity. He hadn't known to want Syllke, but the gods had sent him to him nonetheless. Seodai couldn't imagine life without something as precious as friendship, not anymore. "I am Seodai," he confessed, at last. It was without a doubt that Veldrys would know of his uncle, Theo, who owned the farm that fed them all. It was just as likely that the Symenestra would have heard of Seodai, despite his comparatively short tenure in the town. Everyone knew about he and Talen, the cousins with hemophilia. Everyone also knew that, of the two, Seodai was much worse.

[Veldrys]

„Maybe I am“, Veldrys agreed as Seodai stated that he was an outcast of his own design. A sigh escaped his lips. „Maybe I’ve made myself an outcast with my actions, but I couldn’t have made a different decision. It was the only way.“ His voice was firm, but there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. The decision to leave Kalinor hadn’t been an easy one, despite the many things that were wrong with his home.

He wished that Seodai, that anybody would reach out to him and tell him that it would be alright, that all the suffering wasn’t in vain, that he hadn’t made himself an outcast for nothing, that he would discover the one thing that would save his people, no matter if it was the truth or not. But he couldn’t say that out loud.

„I’m tired of being different as well sometimes“, he admitted. „But at the same time I can’t imagine being like everybody else. I don’t want to be a copy of them, yet another insignificant, normal man. That scares me almost more than being different. Life would be boring if we were all perfect. Sometimes being different hurts, but sometimes it can be a strength as well. I can’t really imagine being anybody else.“

As Seodai introduced himself, the Symenestra’s eyes widened for a moment, and then he nodded. „I’ve heard of you. You are Theo’s nephew, aren’t you? I’ve treated him once.“ He shuddered as he remembered the incident in the Clinic. He had found both Theo and Cian there, violently ill. They had suffered from some kind of disease that affected their gnosis marks. „How is he?“

„I’m Veldrys“, he then said. Since Seodai had told him who he was, he’d decided to introduce himself as well. „But you probably already know that. There are few of my kind in Denval.“ As he said this, he looked at Seodai, thinking. He had not only heard that the young man was Theo’s nephew, he had also heard that he suffered from a certain condition, a condition that afftected his blood.

For a moment he wished that Seodai would let him taste his blood, but being a human he would probably find the mere mention of it disturbing. He wasn’t sure if now was the right time to bring his special ability up, despite the many things they had shared.

[Seodai]

"Veldrys," Seodai said, trying the name out on his own tongue. "Of course. I have heard of you. I just didn't have a face to attach. Veldrys." The syllabic formation of the word tasted different than the names of the people he knew, as interesting and unique as the figure he sat beside. Distracted by this for only a moment, he eventually came back to present and to the question he'd been asked. "Theo is well. As well as any of us, I suppose. Things are all messed up with... with gnosis, you know? With our goddess. Living most of your life with Her inside your heart, inside your veins, it's hard to get out of bed some mornings. The mornings where it just feels cold inside. Empty, like she's too far away to feel anymore. But I guess everyone is dealing with that, now. Magic has gone crazy in Denval, and all we can do anymore is our best." Seodai ran a hand through his mop of wild curls, an uneasy gesture that went along with the emotional downswing of his words. And, just as their conversation had been nonsequential thus far, he danced back around the more thoughtful beginning they had formed. "I think... I think what you do has to count for something, though. You're challenging the status quo in an effort to avoid suffering and pain for innocent people. You're trying to be better than some ugly truth to whom you should naturally belong. That matters. It counts for something." Seodai had no such noble aspirations. He was just a boy who had been beaten and bruised too many times with word and deed, and he didn't want to do that anymore. Or, rather, he had decided many years ago that avoidance was the better plan. Now, as he progressed into manhood, there were those in his life who were making him question that. A beautiful ethaefal, who set him aflame by merely existing. A stubborn, wonderfully vibrant Vantha who seemed unwilling to accept Seodai's self-imposed exile. And now, maybe, a strange Symenestra with words that pricked at Seodai's spirit and made him consider.

[Veldrys]

„That’s good to hear“, Veldrys remarked as Seodai told him that Theo was well. He had been worried about the man. He had never seen anything like what had happened to him before. „And I know about the gnosis marks. I saw it. Theo’s mark, it had changed color. It looked dead.“ He looked directly at Seodai. „You mentioned that you have been marked by Bala as well. Did your mark ever change? Does it ever hurt?“ Theo had appeared to be in a fair amount of pain when he had found him, although he hadn’t nearly been as bad off as Cian.

„My mark has been unaffected so far“, he murmurred thoughtfully. Did this disease only affect those that had been marked by Bala and Rak’keli? Did it only affect specific people? Or was he still fine because he hadn’t tasted anybody’s blood yet? He had been careful since he had found Cian and Theo because he had been worried that the same would happen to him. Would he lie on the floor and scream in pain if he tried to drink Seodai’s blood and find out what he was thinking?

„I know what it’s like to feel empty, even if I’ve been spared so far. I know what’s like to be cold, so cold that you almost can’t move anymore“, he whispered. The cold he felt sometimes didn’t have anything to do with the gods though. He knew that Viratas was still there, that he still cared no matter what was wrong with the other gods. Viratas would be inside of him as long as there was still blood flowing through his veins. His cold was the result of a quiet kind of despair because he didn’t know if he’d reach any of his lofty goals.

„Maybe“, he murmurred as Seodai said that what he did counted for something. „But you can make your actions matter as well. Maybe you will never challenge the status quo because there is nothing wrong with the way Denval is run, but you can do other things. You don’t need to try and change the very things that your society is based on, but you can do something. Even small things matter.“

He suddenly found his command of the human language lacking. He wasn’t sure which words he was supposed to use and how he could get through to Seodai. He already seemed to reconsider his atttitude, but he would need one final push before he turned his life around.

[Seodai]

"Sometimes I think that what I could do, what I should do that would matter is to fall into that status quo. I've always existed on the fringes of it, and I'm comfortable there now. But, I suppose I shouldn't. I'm supposed to.... supposed to find a nice girl," he said, the image of his dark haired adorer flashing to mind, "make babies. Provide Denval with healthy sons to carry on. I think... I think I could." Did it matter at all that he didn't want that? When he closed his eyes and dreamed of lips and skin, it wasn't hers. In fact, it wasn't a her at all. It was the smooth perfection of Lysander, with boyish charm and a smile that melted Seodai to his core. There was something inside of him that said he'd never feel that way towards a girl, but he was inexperienced enough to ignore it. He'd find the will to do what he ought, someday. "But with all of this madness going on with the gods, who is thinking of that? Who is thinking of anything except for how to stop it?" Seodai sighed, glaring at his steepled fingers. Why couldn't life have continued to go on as it always had? When the errant Zith attack was the worst of their worries. The lack of reciprocation from Lysander made him feel miserable in direct proportion to his joyous adoration of Leth's fallen, and so he sometimes wished he had never even met the golden one. "Life was just so much simpler before."

[Veldrys]

„Would that be so bad?“ Veldrys asked softly, unaware of how Seodai really felt. „Find a nice girl and provide Denval with healthy sons or daughters that carry your legacy on? I will never have that. I will never have the simple pleasure of waking up next to somebody I love and watching my children play in front of me. My kind are cursed. I will only bring the woman I love pain.“ He sighed and averted his gaze.

Any woman that carried his child would inevitably die. And if he wanted to prevent his wife’s death, he would have to abduct a woman from the surface instead and condemn her. His Web – his family – expected him to get married and father a few children. The situation in Kalinor was desperate. Already many of the houses at the edge of the city stood empty. It was up to him and others like him to prevent his race’s extinction.

He couldn’t imagine a world without Symenestra, he didn’t want to, but still, he couldn’t bring himself to robbing a young woman of her future. And if he fell in love with a man instead, if he met another one like that halfblood, many years ago? He wasn’t sure what would happen then. It would be easier in some ways, but he had a duty to his race. He desperately wanted a part of him to live on after his death. He wanted people to remember him, and he wasn’t sure if any of his accomplishments would be important enough for that.

„If you only think about the bad things that are happening in Denval right now, if you let that rule your life, you will inevitably go mad“, he replied to Seodai’s next question even though he didn’t know if the human expected an answer. „All of us should focus on it of course to prevent the worst, but we can’t put our normal life on hold.“

„Life was so much simpler before“, he agreed, and then he fell silent. Life had been so much simpler before he had left Kalinor, when he had been a boy, when he had been unaware of the desperate situation of his race, of the Harvest. Life had been so much simpler before he had received the prophecy, before all those bad things had happened in Denval, but unfortunately there was no way to turn back time.

You could only move on and hope that it would get better.