OOCtl;dr post, Tarot. Sorry What was five hundred years if your driving force was to support somebody to the best of your abilities? Jilitse listened to Mashaen in pain, her pride crushed and crumpled. She could almost feel anger and frustration from his words, and it hurt - like a searing sword that cut her soul into smaller bits and pieces. Jilitse was a blind follower, always has been. Anybody else's cause was her cause. She followed her father when he volunteered to help create golems for Alahea. She followed Sagallius when he needed volunteers for Project Sahova. She followed Mashaen when the moment she realized Mashaen was everything she could not be. Her father whom she never disobeyed was dead and Sagallius whom she served both in respect and fear had gone mad(if becoming a god could be deemed insanity). The last of them, here he was, telling her to find her own way. Her own cause, her own purpose. That didn't seem to sit well with her, a woman who felt that she would live in somebody else's shadow for eternity.
Oh how very helpful, she looked at Mashaen with hurt in her eyes. But the man had some truth in his advice. And perhaps, the only reason why Jilitse was able to survive for the longest time was because she never really did have a purpose of her own. She didn't have the smallest notion to add importance to her existence. She was beginning to question her existence now, depression creeping within her being. Uncertainty was beginning to consume herself.
Jilitse had always been dependent of others. She was scared of making decisions for herself. Perhaps the only choice she had made in her entire life was to offer herself to Sahova in the name of Alahea. But Jil could tell now, and it had never been any clearer than at any point in time, that while she willingly made the choice, her heart was never decided. Perhaps that was what Sagallius saw in her. The lack of ambition and self-worth which made her nothing but a pawn. And hadn't she been a pawn, a controlled puppet, for the last five centuries?
But she had been independent for the past centuries! She consciously corrected herself, being alone does not necessarily mean being independent. Talking to Mashaen was a lesson in humility. She almost didn't want to listen.
She grunted air as Mashaen told her "Know thyself." It was hard to accept that she didn't have a vision. Creating golems simply didn't went past... creating better golems. Even that didn't amount to anything, at least not in the sense of the word. Unlike many deranged wizards, Jilitse did not have any ambition to "rule the world" or "become the greatest sage or mage or witch of all time". She was plain and simple Jilitse, who wanted to do nothing but please and help those dear to her. Mashaen was too shallow to see that. Or maybe it was the other way around - Mashaen too deep to understand something too shallow.
Her little quiet world of escape, Sahova, was now about to be destroyed. She will probably live long enough to see it, but as she had said, she did not want to fall down with it. There were far too many discoveries to make, life beyond the shackles of being a Sahovan nuit.
But I'll never be useful as anything else. Already she thought so little of herself.
She pushed that perception away as she absorbed Mashaen's description of Drainira. Drainira had been part of Jilitse's life as a nuit, she had been a great supervisor to Sahova, until she went away, of course. And not without good reason, Jilitse realized as Mashaen explained the evolution of Drainira's function. Drainira perfectly believed in her abilities and purpose. She was Sagallius' champion and Mashaen considered her his child.
Sagallius. The name brought a bitter taste at her greying tongue. Sagallius had been faithfully to Alahea, perhaps even too fateful even after he went mad from overgiving. And what was Sahova but an eternal prison that serves Sagallius' desire of overtaking the whole world - at least that's what Jilitse thought. Drainira would make it happen, could make it happen, with the way Mashaen described her. With a growing awareness, Jilitse imposed on herself the reality that Alahea was no more. It was a new world after the Valterrian, a new era, as Mashaen called it.
"If Drainira strikes, if it is in the name of Sagallius, former Court Mage of Alahea, then it is very likely that they have started it in the name of the old battles, but it would no longer be the same war. It will be in their own interest, Sagallius' interests." Jilitse peered at Mashaen, lonely, "This is what I meant when I said that the world had not changed."
Or is it I who have not? "Mashaen, Archwizard of Sahova," she said, emphasizing his role, more for herself than for him, "I believe it is time for me to stop wandering in the darkness, stop living in the past. I want to believe that anything can be changed. I want to help you..."
She leaned closer, head bowed fervently, "I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to believe that. I want you to trust me. Just as the darkness will eventually fade and reveal a blue sky that we both can see. No task too impossible." Oh what was coming over her?
She clasped her hands together, and nervously admitted, "I am very tired of being a servant. I am tired of being tied to Sahova." Bitterly she added, "Are you not? Surely I can find a way to free you from the same despondency you are in? Teach me all you can, point me where to go."
And with a little more passion than necessary, "If I have to free you from your Grand Oath, I will. If it means..." She stopped abruptly, she must have sounded too foolish. She relaxed in her chair and let her posture droop, "Zarik," she addressed him differently this time. "You are not beyond salvation. If you have no hope left to continue, then where does that leave me?" She let her hands dangle on her side. What she had was nothing but a burst of optimism that ended as soon as she shut her mouth. She really looked up to the man in front of her. And she wanted to be free of Sahova. And if she could make it so, she would like Mashaen to be free, too.
She looked away, and for the very first time, she felt dread in not being able to cry.