You Are The Sunlight In My Growing (Seodai)

[Syllke Skyglow]

"The Rain Song" It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before. It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low. It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom. Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune. Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from time to time. Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us... But I know that I love you so These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold. This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall.

[Syllke Skyglow]

32 Winter, 511 A.V. A light misting rain had accompanied the two young men to their designated appointment earlier in the evening. A fitting entrée, Seo had said somewhat dispiritedly, for the dinner to come. Denval was a small place, and Syllke had already sussed out the identity of his friend’s parents. But Seo had never offered to make an introduction, and Syllke wasn’t the type of person to press such things. Over the months of their acquaintance, it had become clear there was some estrangement here. He was content to let it lie, though, assuming the Denvali would tell him what lay at the root of this alienation, if and when the time was ever right. Since that odd and beautiful morning that Seo had slipped into Syllke’s bed, they had grown incredibly close. Yet, still, Seo had not brought up the subject. Syllke had raised his expressive eyebrows, then, several days before when Seodai had announced that he was taking the Vantha to have dinner, with his parents. Still, he chose not to probe, instead slipping his arms about Seo’s waist and giving him a quiet hug, saying only, “Good. I want to meet the people who gave me you.” He wasn’t going to jump in with platitudes or reassurances about how lovely this evening would be – getting to finally converse with his lover’s mother and father. The whole thing was obviously problematic – Seo never spoke of these people who had had at least some part to play in his formation. Almost immediately after that queer morning of cryptic revelations, Seo had dragged a willing Syllke off to meet his uncle, Theo. That had been literally one of the best nights Syllke had passed since arriving in Denval. His own heart was warmed to see the closeness between the two – ready to appreciate anyone who could appreciate how wonderful Seodai was. This night, though, would be quite different. Seo had been as quiet as a stone on the way through the little town, and Syllke had held his hand, hoping to reassure him that, whatever happened, he’d still be on the other end of those fingers laced with Seo’s. The dinner, to be blunt, had been pretty damn awful. Seo’s parents were a trip – and not in the good sense. Throughout the two hours or so in their company, the Vantha had somewhat subconsciously listened to the changing patterns of the rain on the roof and against the windows. By the time they were ready to take their leave, the lighter rain of before had intensified to a fairly steady downfall – certainly enough to give them a good drenching by the time they reached the Lyceum. Still, he would have died before he suggested waiting a minute longer. Syllke was a tolerant person, but even he had had enough. Stepping outside, he drew in the fresh night air deeply. Though technically it was winter, this night seemed to be confused, and the rain that fell against his cheek reminded him more of a late spring shower. He had had some trepidations about the stealing cold that now seemed to seep into his bones at the most inconvenient times. Clearly, the malicious magic at work in Denval had messed with Morwen’s gift, and his gnosis mark’s functioning would seem to flicker on and off at random. To the Vantha, the sensation of cold was disturbing, as well as uncomfortable. But right now, at this moment, it seemed to be fine and he barely thought to note that, so happy he was to be away from that strained, tense atmosphere. He felt like he had suddenly burst free of a cage made of awkward glances and strangled conversational snippets. He felt he could suddenly breathe again. Once more his fingers found Seo’s, and for the moment, Syllke’s hand was warm, comforting, the squeeze reassuring. Before they had gone ten steps, he pulled Seo close enough to kiss his wet cheek. “That was . . . fun,” he said with a grin.

[Seodai]

The cold and wet felt good. It was startling and uncomfortable, but quite juxtaposed to the stifling warmth of the house they had just left. He wasn't certain why he had brought his lover to meet the parents he resented so much. Why couldn't he have left it with Theo? That had been an enjoyable evening. He should have known better. As it were, the silence of the meal had been as miserable as the words that had been spoken, and the moment Seodai reached to clasp Syllke's hand without thinking, the whole thing had spiraled further downhill. His father looked away with a glower, his mother started praying in the old Denvali tongue, and Seodai couldn't take it anymore. Stiff goodbyes had lent him this freedom in the dark, cold rain, but he couldn't be happier about the embrace of the ugly weather. That warm palm in his was enough, as they trudged away without looking back. "Just peachy," he muttered caustically, and then blew out in a heavy sigh. The smile he turned aside towards Syllke was apologetic. This thing between them was brand new, but seldom were there days when some supreme strain from the outside didn't threaten to pull it apart at the seams, were it able to be ruined so quickly. "I don't know why I took you there. Theo... Theo is what matters. He's my father," Seodai insisted, big blue eyes fixed on his boots as he trudged through the muddy path. Perhaps it made more sense, now, having met both Theo and the parents, having watched them interact with Seodai. Where Theo was all love and support, his parents were awkward, bumbling, and cold. Seodai had spoken some of his past to Syllke, of his childhood in particular. Perhaps this framed it all. "I'd like to meet your family someday," he added, hoping to ease the subject away from the dysfunction of his own family and onto Syllke.

[Syllke Skyglow]

They walked shoulder to shoulder now, and Syllke let go off Seo’s hand to wrap his arm about the other boy’s waist. “My guess would be you took me there because you wanted me to meet them. Good, bad or ugly, they are your parents. Now I know them – what they are like – and I’m even more amazed that you are you.” He gave Seo a squeeze. “And you’re right. Theo is wonderful – he’s been a good parent to you.” They walked a few more steps, Syllke thinking. “We should go – to Avanthal. I’d love for you to meet my parents, and my grandparents – everyone, in fact. I have so many relatives you’d never be able to keep track of them all.” He laughed. “And they would love you, Seo – you and your golden hair. I’d get jealous with all the girls making eyes at you – and most of the guys too.” He smirked, bending forward a bit to try to look into his lover’s troubled face. It was so dark, even as close as they were it was hard to see what Seo was thinking, or feeling, though his body seemed very tense. Syllke pulled him to a halt and swung him so that they faced each other. His mouth went to Seo’s still warm lips as the chilly rain pelted down on them, running off their hoods and dripping down their faces. His arms encircled his friend and he pulled him tightly into his embrace. Pulling back from that kiss, he kept his mouth close to Seo’s, rain now dripping down between them. “Seo, it hurts to know – they don’t care the way you would want them to. They don’t . . . understand you, or value you as they should. Well – they are wrong and they are stupid, and you can’t change that. But Theo and I, we know. Bala knows.” Syllke pressed his lips gently to Seos’ forehead, though he had to rise up just a bit to do so. He stepped back, his fingers in Seo’s once more. “Come on, let’s run. We’ll be soaked through to the bone otherwise.” With a tug, he began, pulling Seo with him, their feet flying on the mostly unseen path in the perilous dark. Syllke let out a joyful whoop into the inky black night. “It’s over! Thank god – we’re free again! I liked the wine, though.” He laughed like a child with a new toy.

[Seodai]

In a moment Syllke had turned Seodai's dark mood on it's head. In the somber days that had befallen Denval even Syllke had become more reserved and muted, so that the very dynamic that bound them together so well was often stifled. In this moment, though, racing through the rain, Seodai couldn't help but laugh. Things were as they had been before, with his gregarious friend drawing him out of himself and into sunlight that could only be proverbial on a night so gloomy. His lungs burned by the time they reached the Lyceum and he was half soaked, but it didn't matter as they tumbled through the door. They had ran nearly the entire distance, and Seodai tumbled into the small space that belonged to Syllke in a flurry of raindrops and a quiet laugh. "You're mad," he complained, reaching up to begin shedding his layers. "Or, I'm sure everyone thinks we both are, anyway." His blonde head was damp, despite his hood, and those curls were a mess as he shot a boyish smile towards his friend. He kicked out of his boots and peeled off all but his breeches while Syllke fumbled to do the same. The farmer set about urging the embers of the mornings fire back to life, crouched down bare feet and bare chested in front of the small hearth. When light from the fire filled the room, he glanced up to find Syllke still mostly dressed, simply staring at him. Seodai lifted his brows, and rose with a mock serious expression. "You're really becoming quite helpless," he teased, as he closed the distance between them. His hands immediately went to the clothing that separated them. He pushed Syllke's heavy cloak to the floor, then tugged the soft linen of his shirt upwards until that slender torso was revealed. He settled to his knees, then, pressing a kiss to the jut of one hip as his hands reached for a booted foot. "I can't always be the one to undress you."

[Syllke Skyglow]

The run had been invigorating – warming – and much needed. There was always something about physical exertion that seemed to light up the Vantha’s mind as well as his muscles. They hadn’t raced, and they hadn’t gone full tilt, it was too dark and too risky for that. But it had been enough to reset the artist’s whole evening. Seodai had been saddened, and disappointed, by his parents. But in the grand scope of things, Syllke – ever the optimist – could only see the positives. Seo was here, and he was here, and they had found one another, and developed this incredible friendship. Denval itself was oppressed by some mystic miasma that had all their gnosis gifts malfunctioning. But the future lay ahead of them, and he was confident things on that score would improve, somehow. Meanwhile, they had each other – to talk, to laugh, to explore and to spend in amazingly satisfying and comforting nights of intimacy. What more, really, could they ask for? When they reached Syllke’s room in the back of the Lyceum, Seo had stripped down quickly and knelt to the hearth, to work a little magic with the fire. Syllke had intended to do pretty much the same, though he had already determined some mulled wine would just top the evening off right, and meant to get out of his wet outer clothes and fetch the spices needed. But he only got the hood down before a wave of nausea hit him, and all thoughts of ingesting anything were fled. His eyes were fixed on his lover, crouched down, back to him, and Syllke felt this incredible sensation wash over him. As if thought had come to olfactory realization, the smell of the spiced wine which he had not yet made filled his nose, making him want to gag. It was another man crouched before his fire. Not Seodai. Someone he didn’t know, until the girl let his name drop from her sweet, smiling lips. He didn’t quite catch it. But the stranger was cold, and wet, damp hair plastered to his head. He turned and looked at the jeweler . . . Syllke blinked, as Seo frowned at him. Syllke was sure his friend would ask what was wrong. Surely, Seo could see the look of worry – of indecision – should he trust him or not? But . . . no, that was the other one – the traveler. This was Seo. His Seo. His friend. Seo who was already somehow kneeling before him, fingers going to his boot, his teasing comment and lips like soft petals setting fire to his skin. How had his cloak and shirt come to be tossed aside on the chair? Almost in a panic, Syllke knelt down, a rush of cold washing over him. His hands gripped Seodai’s. He shook his head. “It won’t work, you know. It doesn’t work like that. Don’t you understand?” His eyes were ice blue, with the tiniest pin pricks of pupils. His hands were like ice as well. “Leave it. I can make better. Whatever you want. Just leave that one, alright?”

[Seodai]

Golden brow furrowed in concern, Seodai brought those cold hands which had clasped his own up towards his face. He would be lying if he said he hadn't been concerned for Syllke, more and more lately. His behavior was at times erratic, but this was something altogether new. It was as if his lover was in another world, and Seodai couldn't help but feel a sharp pang of worry. "What? You're not making any sense, Syllke. What won't work? What can you fix?" Seodai turned his head aside, his curls dark and wet, plastered to his forehead as he brushed his lips across Syllke's knuckles. When his beloved attempted to pull away, Seodai shook his head stubbornly. He reached out with arms perhaps stronger than they might look, and wrapped Syllke in them. His skin was slick from the rain, but Seodai only held tighter. "No. No, Syllke. Stay here, with me. Please. You always run from me, run from this. You always hide this from me. I've ... given you everything. I've told you everything. Please. Please don't run away," he murmured into a damp shoulder, where his face was pressed in his efforts to keep Syllke from slipping away. On some days, Syllke was his sanity. His grounding point. His reason for surfacing from the taste of magic, or the books that spoke of the past, or Melchior's too vivid emotions. Some days Syllke was the reason he remained Seodai. He was finished watching his lover and friend struggle alone.

[Syllke Skyglow]

No, Seo didn’t understand. Syllke saw that – felt it, in the freezing cold marrow of his bones. Seo didn’t understand and he tried to pull his hands away, because he didn’t understand himself. What the fuck was going on? Was he going insane? Hallucinating? But what he saw – what he heard, and smelled for gods’ sake – it didn’t seem like insanity. It seemed so very, very real. And that was terrifying. Even as he tugged at his hands, though, Seodai held them firmly. He brought their wet bodies together, water running down over warm skin and cold, dripping from their hair. Seodai pulled Syllke close, asking him in a heart wrenching way to share this . . . this lunacy with him. He wanted to know. But – how could Syllke explain what he didn’t understand himself? The Vantha collapsed against his Denvali, his own face turning to rest cheek to cheek with Seo’s. He tried to breathe deeply, to calm himself, but he felt like a rabbit that had been run to ground by a fox. Scared. Winded. Exhausted. His arms went slowly around Seo’s waist, as he let out a gasping sob. “Seo – I don’t know! I don’t know what this is!” His voice was filled with anxiety, and dread. “It’s like – I’m someone else. But I don’t know – I don’t know who, or why! Not like your . . . Melchior.” The name passed from the artist’s lips like the note of doom. He hated it. He hated whoever it was that Seo had been. “It’s so confusing. And I know it has something to do with how everything is so fucked up here. Denval is a cursed place, Seo.” His voice was rising in intensity, and now he pulled back, to look his lover in the eye. “It’s bad, Seo.” He whispered on a rush of air. “Really, really bad. And I . . . “ He paused, gulped, sighed. Syllke took a deep breath. Two. “Something happened, and I was part of it. Or . . . or I know about it. I did something . . . awful.” His hands slipped around to grip Seodai’s once more. “I don’t know – don’t you see? And . . . I don’t think I want to know. But – someone does. Someone wants me to remember.”

[Seodai]

Seodai ached for Syllke. He couldn't understand the lack of cognition his Vantha was struggling with, because once Melchior had found his way through the cracks he had rushed in like a monsoon and completely overwhelmed Seodai. Hadn't the young farmer spent the better part of a night in a hip tub ranting to Caelum when he'd first recalled himself? If he couldn't understand the specificity of Syllke's angst, he could certainly empathize with the cause of it. "Sh, now," he soothed, reaching up to stroke a calloused hand along dark hair. "The gods want us to remember. Remember at the feast? They told us we had to remember. It must be important, or they wouldn't be pushing you so. But you don't have to do this alone, Syllke. You don't have to be afraid." Seodai stood and with firm, insistent hands brought Syllke up with him. He guided his half unwilling partner to the bed where he sat him down as one might a rattled child. He crouched before him, hands on Syllke's knees, peering up through dark, damp curls. "I thought I'd gone mad when I first remembered," Seo said. "But I had to be reminded, first by Caelum and then by you, that I am not Melchior. Not anymore. He is who I was and he must be useful for something, or the gods wouldn't have forced him upon me, would they? This thing you remember, however bad it may seem, it is not you now. You are not that person. He is only there to help remind you of something. Some piece of this puzzle so that we can fix Denval." Seodai arched up to kiss the clammy brow of his friend and partner, and then rocked back on his heels to stand. "You've got something to write with, right?"

[Syllke Skyglow]

Fuck the gods, Syllke thought, in brutal candor. Even Morwen had turned her back on him, it seemed, for he felt the cold sliding up his spine and travelling along every neural pathway, through his core and down each limb. But he allowed Seodai to help him to his feet, and then to sit on the bed, his hands clasped miserably in his lover’s. He was already trembling again, and knew the violent shivering was not far behind. Still, he tried to listen to Seo – despite the repugnance he felt – the total lack of desire to know anything about this horrible past life that was now haunting him – it seemed that he no longer had a choice. He couldn’t keep pushing Seo away forever, for his friend was right. He couldn’t face this alone – not anymore. His feat earlier that evening – standing beside Seo as he braved the dinner with his parents, would be nothing – nothing – compared to what Seo was now offering to do for him. Reluctantly, Syllke nodded in reply to Seo’s question, for he knew it meant Seo would rise and leave him, and he didn’t want to let go of those anchoring hands. Through chattering teeth, he stammered. “On-on th-the t-table.” He nodded his head with a jerk towards the one small table under the window. Why Seo wanted these things, he couldn’t think, for the clattering of his teeth was too loud in his own ears, his brain was frozen along with his body. He just wanted to crawl under the blankets and curl up and sleep – to hibernate, like a bear – until this damned awful nightmare was over.