[The Chapel] Evanesce (Veldrys)

[Xelhes]

Once Veldrys furrowed his brow at Xelhes' words, the Ethaefal gave the man a look of his own. It was not hostile or anything close but one of confusion and conflict, Xelhes knowing how blessed he was yet not wanting the blessing he had been given. What did it matter if he would never fall ill if it meant he would see everyone he cared about die before him? He would never age or become ill, yet everyone around him would be able to move forward in time with the Ethaefal was forever trapped.

At the Symenestra's words the Ethaefal added a little more sugar to his tea, making sure it was not to the extent that the other man may think Xelhes disliked his tea. The question he asked was an easy one to answer, yet the answer was not a real answer either. "It is both of those things. The realm of gods has beauty beyond this realm, and is different from it as well. I do not think even my language would have been able to properly explain it; sometimes seeing it is the only way to comprehend something...I am sure you are aware of that." No matter how he tried to Xelhes could not explain Leth's realm in even the vaguest way, not without his language which was now lost to him.

Seeing the fascination Veldrys seemed to have towards the conversation almost forced Xelhes to smile, happy that someone wanted to hear about his kind and maybe even himself. With an almost large smile Xelhes said, "Alright, then when your gnosis works again we can set up a time to try. Just remember...you may not be able to make sense of the memories, but I can try to convey the feeling as much as possible. I hope that is fine." If Xelhes was unable to comprehend those memories he doubted Veldrys would be able to make any sense of them, so the feelings he had of those memories were probably the best way to convey anything now.

The Ethaefal watched and listening as Veldrys collected his book, making sure to say nothing that could interrupt the reading. Unlike when Veldrys spoke Common the accent added to the way the Symenos was recited, Xelhes almost lulling off as the passage was read. Veldrys' words were calming and melodic, though slowly the memories of his own language came back, bringing about a feeling of envy and lament. When the reading was done, Xelhes looked back up at the Symenestra with an amused smile in an attempt to hide what was going through his head.

"Your language, it is beautiful Veldrys. It reminds me of my own to an extent, the beauty of it. I wish I could recite something to you in it but...that was something I lost in order to gain this body; one of the prices for this body. My language and, in turn, my name." That was the thing that truly upset the Ethaefal about losing his language, the fact that when he lost the ability to speak it his name was also taken from him. Xelhes was but an attempt towards the name, yet he might as well have take Veldrys name for the difference between his current and original name was that vast.

After taking another sip of the tea, Xelhes said, "On a side note, what do you believe is the generally most useful herb here in Denval? Umm...well, which one do you find is use the most I guess." With all the conversing Xelhes realised he was slowly forgetting the reason he came here, getting lost in talking about his people and excited to learn more about Veldrys'. It made him wonder if he should even bother trying to learn more about herbs and just focusing on the culture he could learn and share with Veldrys. Yet still Xelhes knew that he needed to learn more, knowing that right now he could not help anyone regardless of how hard he tried.

[Veldrys]

„Thank you“, Veldrys simply replied as Xelhes called his language beautiful and smiled. He liked Xelhes‘ interest in his culture. It was a refreshing change from all the suspicion and discrimination Symenestra usually faced. „If you want to, I can teach you Symenos, at least a few words. I’ve taught others before, and they seemed to learn the language fast enough.“ His thoughts momentarily went back to a night a few years ago and a situation not unlike this one, a conversation with a boy that had been fascinated with the things he had told him. He blushed for a moment as he remembered what had happened afterwards.

„You lost your language?“ he asked to make sure that he had understood Xelhes correctly. „How is that possible? Why did you lose your language and your memories?“ Up until this point he hadn’t even been aware that Ethaefal had a language of their own. It had to be beautiful, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he would be able to recover the memory of that language if he had a few more marks from his god. Xelhes remembered that he had spoken it. That meant that there still had to be a trace of it somewhere inside of him.

„The most useful herb?“ he asked. He thought about it for a few moments. „I’m not sure“, he admitted. „There are quite a few herbs here that I find useful. Kelp is useful. It doesn’t have any outstanding properties – there is no ailment that only kelp can cure – but it is good for your health and readily available. Some herbs are expensive and have to be imported from outside, and some only grow for a very short time, but there is a nearly endless supply of kelp right outside the city.“

[Xelhes]

The question Veldrys posed was one the Ethaefal had to think about for a moment, wanting to learn Symenos but also unsure on if he would be able to learn it very well. The other people Veldrys had taught learned the language fast enough he said, yet even Common was still something Xelhes had yet to master. If he had yet to master Common, his 'native' language, than how well could he learn Symenos? Veldrys' blushing did not go unnoticed by Xelhes, the Ethaefal raising an eyebrow and having an amused smile at the color on the Symenestra face. With a chuckle he said, "Sure, you can teach me a few words but I never expected you to be embarrassed by asking suggesting such a thing." It was humorous to Xelhes to see the color on Veldrys' face as despite it being a weak blush it was highly visible due to how pale the other man was, let alone how calm and collected he always seemed to be.

"I can, at least as much as this mortal form allows, remember my language as memory is not the problem here. When I fell I learned that it seems that these mortal forms are insufficient to speak our language. Regardless of how hard I tried I lack the ability to speak it simply because this body does not have the ability to make such sounds; my name is an example as it was an attempt at my true name yet I may as well have simply taken another as Xelhes is still a far cry from it." The words were said with some remorse at the loss of his name, though the excitement of being able to tell someone about it was laced in his voice as well. Yes, the celestial language still existed inside him but there was no way to write it, and it was impossible for the mortal body's vocal cords to reproduce the language.

Xelhes nodded as Veldrys spoke of the kelp, committing the knowledge to memory so he could gather the plant later. Once he was certain he had the information crammed into his mind he said, "So it is mostly useful because there is such a large stock of it and while it has no strong curative powers it is very useful as an almost 'support' plant?" That made a great deal of sense to the Ethaefal, though it also meant that the kelp was useless on its own; it almost depended on the effects of other herbs and plants to be even slightly effective. Realizing it was his turn to ask another question, Xelhes began to think quietly and quickly, his mind wandering off topic.

For a few moments he simply looked at Veldrys thoughtfully, briefly lost in his options before he shook his head and said, " You do not have to answer but...who else have you taught Symenos to? You've talked about teaching others a few times before and every time you always seems to wander off, like you are not even aware of your surroundings for a brief moment. If it is too personal I understand. I am just curious. The way you daze off makes me think they are at least fond memories, correct?"

Xelhes knew he was probably over stepping his boundaries, yet curiosity had gotten the better of him. It seemed odd to Xelhes that Veldrys had taught others Symenos as while it could have been people in Denval he had not heard any stories of such things. Yet it did not seem to make sense if it was people in Kalinor as that was where the Symenestra lived and they should know their own language, unless it had been people who had slipped into the town? Taking a sip of the tea again Xelhes waited for Veldrys' response, if there was any to be given.

[Veldrys]

„It wasn’t the mention of Symenos itself that caused me to react in such a way“, the Symenestra explained. He had regained his composure again and was calm once more, as if he were talking about something trivial after all. „It were the memories associated with it. If your attempts to teach somebody about your language and culture had led to something like that, you would likely blush a little as well every time you thought of it, every time somebody mentioned lessons in Symenos.“ That was all he said on that matter for now. He was more interested in finding out more about Xelhes‘ race than talking about his life and the people that had had an impact on it. Besides, it made him a bit uncomfortable.

„So you still remember the language, but just aren’t able to speak it?“ he asked to make sure that he had understood correctly. „Can you write it down?“ It was a rare occurence that the Symenestra was really excited about something, but this here was fascinating beyond measure. If Xelhes remembered the language, if he remembered the sound of it, it should be possible to develop a written language for it, a rough approximation of the language that the Ethaefal had spoken when he had been in the Ukalas.

„Exactly“, he replied as Xelhes talked about how kelp was useful as an almost support plant. „I find it better to eat certain plants to prevent an illness rather than mixing some kind of potion that will help me heal it.“ As Xelhes asked him who else he had taught Symenos to, he grew very quiet all of a sudden. He had never mentioned it to anybody in Denval, that first, brief romance he had experienced in his life. Not even his family in Kalinor were aware of what had happened in Lhavit, so many years ago. They probably wouldn’t have liked to hear that he had been with a halfblood once and a boy at that, no matter how it had ended.

„Fond memories, yes“, he finally replied. „Although nothing came of it. I already went to the surface once, four or five years ago. I was a very different man back then. No, not a man. I was still almost a child, and I was full of prejudices, but I was already tired of some of the things that happened in Kalinor. I went to Lhavit. There was this boy of mixed blood. He didn’t know anything about his Symenestra half. I thought him dirty at first, inferior, but that changed soon enough. We spent some time together, no more than a few nights, and I never saw him again after that, but I still cannot help but think of it every now and then."

„I’m sentimental, am I not?“

[Xelhes]

The quick regain of composure had taken Xelhes by surprise, his eyes focusing on Veldrys with confusion. The words also confused the Ethaefal who whispered, "Like....that? I am not sure what 'that' is but if the thought makes you uncomfortable you do not have to teach me." Xelhes had no idea what 'that' could refer to as what really could occur from a lesson in Symenos? Had his students become more proficient at the language than their teacher? Maybe the lessons had always ended in a bad note, or something similar?

The discomfort the Symenestra had was not highly apparent yet Xelhes understood from the response to drop the subject, not wanting to upset Veldrys, especially while being a guest in the man's home. At the question of writing his language Xelhes shook his head and said, "No, I have not been able to. It might just be me but I do not actually have any memories of ever writing it before but this form also has a very limited capacity for recollecting such details." It was the biggest problem Xelhes had with his mortal body, the fact that it could not retain many memories of his time in Leth's realm or those of his past life.

A nod was all Xelhes really offered when Veldrys further explained why he thought the kelp was a highly important plant, agree with what was said and remembering Jarret had said something similar as well. "Aside from the kelp, are there any other plants you could tell me about that you handle the most? Hmm...or maybe tell me about some of the rare plants that have to be imported?" Those fascinated Xelhes the most as while the common plants he could find here easily, the rare ones he could only learn about in books. It would be better for him to have Veldrys at least try to explain those herbs instead of reading some old book that could possibly be highly inaccurate.

The silence that filled the room was almost painful and immediately Xelhes regretted asking. At first the Ethaefal was worried he had made Veldrys angry, though the longer the silence persisted the more Xelhes began to think Veldrys was simply lost in his memories again. As the Symenestra spoke Xelhes remained quiet, listening to the story with a partially embarrassed face. Yes, he did regret asking such a personal question now, considering how Veldrys seemed to speak of the incident. When Veldrys was done speaking the embarrassment was gone from the Ethaefal's face, trying to hide it before anything was said of it.

"Only as sentimental as everyone else, Veldrys. Everyone has something they are fond of and cherish, regardless of how hard they try to deny it. I am actually envious of you, that you have such a nice memory to look back on. Nothing may have came from it, but that might be why you are so fond of it." Even Xelhes had something he cherished greatly and was obvious about it: Denval. Without this settlement and the kind people that inhabited it the chances of him still being alive today were extremely slim. It was his home now, the place he had more or less been born in this life.

Xelhes looked at Veldrys intently again, his eyes no longer confused and simply showing empathy or kindness, and said, "If it does make you feel uncomfortable or upset to teach me Symenos than there is no reason for you to. I would rather have a conversation with a comfortable friend instead of trying to learning a few words. Friends seem harder to come by compared to languages it would appear." A language could be read about and learned from books, but so far friendship was something Xelhes still had difficulties finding; most people were too busy with their own lives or treated him too differently for Xelhes to be comfortable.

With a final sip Xelhes finished his tea, looking at the cup as if he had expected more tea to still remain. Had he really consumed the whole thing already? Shaking his head Xelhes asked, "So, are you going to translate that passage from the Viratassa? An even better question, are you going to quiz me on it?" The Ethaefal's tone was almost playful, as if poking fun at Veldrys for before when he had continuously asked if Xelhes understood what some of the Symenestra's culture indicated about them. It helped Xelhes learn, though he had no intention of telling Veldrys that. No, it would be better to almost handle this as a sort of game and, despite his older appearance, Xelhes was still a child at heart who happened to love a good game.

[Veldrys]

„Maybe ‚uncomfortable‘ is not the right word“, Veldrys decided. „Teaching you would never make me uncomfortable. On the contrary, I would enjoy it. I’m not sure how I shall explain it. I seem to get a little sentimental every time I find myself in a situation that is similar to the one in Lhavit. The only thing that makes me slightly uncomfortable is talking about my feelings, about the people I have or haven’t been with. It’s not something I’m used to. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I cut people up, I’m confronted with blood and vomit and a number of other things on a daily basis, but I have a problem with that.“

A sigh escaped his lips as Xelhes told him that he didn’t have any memories of writing the celestial language before. But still, maybe something could be accomplished with the limited memories he possessed. If he drank Xelhes‘ blood, maybe it would be enough to recover at least a few words and write them down.

„Other plants?“ The Symenestra furrowed his brow. After talking about his previous student and learning languages, he found it hard to suddenly focus on plants again. „There’s camomile. I use it fairly frequently. Ginger is also quite useful. It’s one of the plants that are not native to Denval. Its taste is quite unusual. I have some ginger somewhere around here, if you feel like tasting it.“

Now there was a smile on his face, despite the fact that their conversation had turned to a somewhat awkward topic. „As I said, the teaching itself doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Maybe it will even be good to take on a new student, to replace the memories of a fleeting romance with those of a longer lasting friendship, if you do indeed consider me a friend.“ Friendship was a concept that was somewhat unfamiliar to the Symenestra. He had acquaintances, but there had never been more than one or two people in his whole life that he had called friends. Friends trusted each other, and he found it hard to trust other people.

He furrowed his brow as he noticed the playful tone of the Ethaefal’s voice. As far as he was concerned, they were having a fairly serious conversation. There was nothing funny about learning about the Viratassa. He looked at Xelhes for a moment as if he were wondering what the Ethaefal was thinking, and then he nodded curtly, and began to translate the passage he had been reading to Xelhes a moment before. It was a prayer about how all creatures that bled were connected.

[Xelhes]

”No, ridiculous is not the word for it,” the Ethaefal said, an almost concerned look on his face. ”I think it is normal to feel that way, for some people at least. It is just a guess, but maybe you are uncomfortable about those things because you have no real control over them? You are fine with helping others offer blood to Viratas, vomit, and other things because, I think, those are things you can control. However, in the case of who you ‘have been with and haven’t’ is not something you can completely control since it is a two person decision. You can force a cut upon someone, but you cannot make someone love you, or control your feelings…you can only hide them.”

Xelhes knew what he was saying may not help the situation but it reminded him of how he had viewed things before. Originally after his fall he stayed distant from others because he could not control their actions making it so the future was uncertain, but he could control his own. It was a sad life to live. At the sigh Veldrys made Xelhes looked at the Symenestra with a raised eyebrow, a look that seemed to question the other man. Was he unaware of how distorted Xelhes' memory was in this form, or had he simply been optimistic? The talk of plants was welcomed by the Ethaefal, feeling awkward about how personal the conversation had become for Veldrys.

A shake of his head was Xelhes’ reply to trying the ginger, not wanting to waste any and worried that it would taste bad. Veldrys’ next words caused Xelhes to shift uncomfortably, the feeling conveyed on his face. ”I don’t want to replace any memories, I'd rather make completely new and unique ones; memories that you might look back on with as much fondness as the others when or should we go our separate ways. Who knows, they could even be one's you are more fond of than those of your old student. It would be nice to be remembered in such a nice memory, even if it turns out to be an insignificant one.” The entire time the Ethaefal was talking his discomfort was apparent, though he did not try to hide it. Would anyone remember him if he died, or would it be the same as his past life; would anyone care or miss him?

A smile, nod, and the words, ”Yes, I do consider you a friend; my first most likely,” was all Xelhes said about Veldrys being his friend, feeling as if the friendship might be a one sided one. He did not know for sure but judging from how Veldrys spoke the other man seemed almost as if he did not understand what friendship was, or that he did not feel it towards Xelhes. Was he just a source of information to Veldrys? His expression quickly changed from playful to matching the expression Veldrys was giving him, sighing as if the other man had let him down. Quietly Xelhes listened to the translation and repeated it in his head, trying to memorize as much of it as he could.

With a thoughtful expression Xelhes said, ”The more you tell me about the Viratassa the more respect I have for your people. It may only be because I’m one of those few who know how precious life is, having those past memories, but the fact that they know as well and the connection between everything…I cannot help but respect them…It makes the situation your people suffer from even more tragic.” No one deserved to suffer like the Symenestra did, losing their females to bring about a new generation, not in Xelhes' mind.

In an attempt to try and change the topic again Xelhes said, ”My last question was extremely personal and inappropriate so please feel free to ask me as many questions as you can…and I’m sorry.” Xelhes knew that he should not have asked and regretted it now, happy that it was fond memories Veldrys always seemed to think of, yet worried about how often it seemed to happen when he was around the Ethaefal; he could not help but think that he might end up as a replacement, and nothing more.

[Veldrys]

„Maybe“, Veldrys agreed. „Being a doctor is easier. Being an acolyte is easier. The treatments for all those diseases, all those prayers, they don’t change. They are predictable to a certain extent, but feelings cannot be controlled. Maybe that’s what makes me uneasy.“ How was it possible that Xelhes knew why he was feeling the way he did? Had he ever experienced something like that before? He had thought that Xelhes had been on Mizahar a much shorter time than he. Had he ever been with somebody? Ever been attratced to somebody, ever fallen in love with somebody?

Xelhes‘ next words were met with a raised eyebrow and a somewhat confused look. „New and unique memories?“ he repeated. He didn’t know what exactly the Ethaefal meant, but it didn’t sound like a bad thing at all, and thus he smiled a little. „I would like that, I think. I don’t really have enough fond memories to look back to and not a lot to look forward to.“ He furrowed his brow as he noticed the look on Xelhes‘ face. The Ethaefal seemed to be uncomfortable which didn’t make any sense to him. Wasn’t it his, Veldrys‘ job, to be uncomfortable?

„Is anything wrong?“ he wondered. „I’m glad that you consider me a friend. I hope I’ll prove myself worthy.“ He wasn’t sure if he deserved the Ethaefal’s friendship. He was a Symenestra, he was venomous, and there had been a time when he had accepted all those things that happened in Kalinor, no matter how wrong they had been. He was a lesser creature than the Ethaefal who had come from the Ukalas.

„You respect my people?“ he asked. „It’s good to hear such words. There are few people that understand how desperate our situation is, that see us for what we are and don’t just condemn us. Your question was personal, but …“ He broke off because he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. „I accept your apology. But let’s do it differently this time. Why don’t you tell me something you think I could be interested in?“

[Xelhes]

A smile partially formed on Xelhes' face at Veldrys' response, happy that he seemed to have guessed right but still concerned about how Veldrys viewed things. It was normal to be uneasy about things that were beyond your control, but it was something you had to bear and accept regardless. "It is just a guess and may not be the true reason at all but if it is you should worry less about what you can't control. Good and bad things happen to everyone regardless of who we are; we just need to try and look past those bad things, maybe even somehow make them good moments." Xelhes knew he may have sounded preachy but really he was trying to give the Symenestra some advice, even if it was not advice he wanted. Despite the Ethaefal's short time spent in this form he still had some of the wisdom from his previous past lives along with his time in the Ukalas, making up for the lack of world knowledge he had now.

"You may not have many memories that you are fond of, but there are a lot to look forward to. It is not my place to say it, but maybe you just focus on the bad more than the good? I can understand if that is the case considering the problem your people face but sometimes it is still better to sometimes just think about all the good things, even if there are not many." Xelhes said, an almost encouraging smile on his face as he tried to pretend that Veldrys had only imagined the uncomfortable expression that had been on the Ethaefal's face moments ago. A shake of his head was all Xelhes gave as a reply to being questioned if anything was wrong, maintaining the smile in an attempt to end any further questioning on the matter.

This time it was Xelhes' turn to give Veldrys a confused look, saying, "Prove yourself worthy? What do you mean? If I consider you my friend now does that not mean you have already proved something to me? Besides, worthy makes me think you are getting those odd thoughts again. I am no different from you or anyone else in Denval, regardless of my race." Xelhes' tone carried a hint of irritation when he said the last bit, worried that Veldrys was thinking of him as some superior race again when he was obviously not. No matter how hard he tried Xelhes could never understand why people seemed to think of Ethaefal as higher beings as they were nothing close gods, and simply possessed what many seemed to considered otherworldly beauty. Dropping the irritation and moving on, Xelhes responded with, "Yes I do respect your people Veldrys, rather highly."

Another smile appeared on Xelhes face as Veldrys continued speaking, understanding what the Symenestra meant but in the polar opposite context. Most people seemed adamant to simply agree that Ethaefal were other worldly beings, sometimes almost revering them, yet Xelhes knew that such an assumption was completely false. Ethaefal were similar to others in many ways, and Xelhes knew that just as there were good and bad people, there were bound to be good and bad Ethaefal. A sigh was Xelhes' response to Veldrys asking him to talk about something that might interest the Symenestra.

Right away Xelhes knew something that would probably interest Veldrys as much as everyone else, yet he partially assumed the other man already knew due to having encountered other Ethaefal, and also because he hated the fact. With another sigh he began to speak, his voice a mix of emotions. "We Ethaefal are cursed you know. The others may have already told you, but just in case I will say it as I am sure it would interest many as they would view it as a blessing." The more Xelhes spoke, the more his eyes seemed to see past the cup he was starting at, as if he himself was the one lost in old memories now; the sorrow he felt about his 'curse' evident as well as his discomfort of speaking about it.

"Time has stopped for me, but time still continues forward. I can feel the power time has on everything even though it has none on me. This body of mine will never age, no matter how much I wish and I want it to. We are cursed with a form of immortality that many spend their lives looking for, though I may be the only one who considers it such a thing." The way Xelhes spoke easily conveyed how much he disliked his immortality, as well as how sad he felt about how he could not change it. When he brought his eyes up to meet with Veldrys' the gaze was more focused, and an almost ashamed look on the Ethaefal's face.

Before Veldrys could ask anything else or why Xelhes thought it was a curse he began to speak again, saying, "To you and almost everyone else the ability to never age must seem like one of the greatest treasures in the world, but if you think about it is it really such a thing? We Ethaefal will never die naturally on our own and will be forced to watch anything and everything dear to use die, leaving us behind. Until an outside force kill us, we will be forced to suffer countless partings with those we love forever, and watch those very people resent us for our ageless bodies." Pity was not what Xelhes wanted from Veldrys and he hoped the other man knew that, though did not want to say such a thing. No, pity was not his objective but he did want others, even if it was only Veldrys, to know that immortality was not a true blessing or gift. To be forced to watch anyone you love die without you and even resent you for eternal youth was hardly a gift in any sense. Such a thing could only be called a curse.

[Veldrys]

„Maybe I should stop worrying“, the Symenestra agreed somewhat reluctantly, although he wasn’t sure if he would be able to. All this thinking, all this worrying had become a habit of his during the past couple of years, a habit that he found hard to get rid of. „Thank you for your advice, Xelhes. I appreciate it. You are right. We need to look past those bad things. Life doesn’t only consist of bad experiences, lost chances and regrets.“ Xelhes‘ words sounded strangely wise to him. He hadn’t expected to hear them who had spent such a short time in this world. Maybe the Ethaefal was the more experienced one of them in certain regards.

„I tend to do that“, he admitted as Xelhes asked him if he focused on the bad more than the good. „I seem to be a pessimist. What do you think I have to look forward to though? What would you suggest I do?“ For a moment he had thought that he had found happiness with Lucette, but he had paid dearly for those nights he had spent with her. Had Xelhes meant the friendship with him? Was that something to look forward to? It certainly made things easier to have somebody that listened, that honestly cared and didn’t just condemn him or tried to take advantage of his skills.

As Xelhes talked about him getting those odd thoughts again, the Symenestra couldn’t help but look somewhat embarrassed. „I’ll try to stop thinking those thoughts“, he promised. „It’s a bit hard because you look so different from the humans around me when you are in your celestial form, but I suppose on the inside we aren’t that different.“

„You see your existence as a curse then?“ he asked, surprised. He could almost feel Xelhes‘ sorrow as the Ethaefal spoke of it. No, maybe eternal youth wasn’t the great gift he had always seen it as. Maybe Xelhes was right. Maybe it was more of a curse than a blessing, the fact that he had to watch everybody that he had ever cared for die. „Maybe we are both cursed. They envy your people because of their immortality, and they hate mine because they are desperately trying to avoid extinction, but they hardly ever realize the truth.“

Veldrys didn’t react to Xelhes‘ words with pity, but rather with understanding. Just as Xelhes seemed to realize what moved the Symenestra, Veldrys began to understand the man that had killed him friend a little better.