[PC Plotnotes] Montaine

[Montaine]

Character Goals:- Short Term Become an expert glassworker Acquire the help of the fortune teller Ascertain the survival of the sailor Learn the name of the garrulous gadgeteer Reach a standing of 100 with Zeltiva Character Goals:- Long Term Master Glasswork Travel abroad to see the world Learn the glass secrets of the Akalak Reconnect with his Drykas heritage Learn the glass secrets of the Sahovan Nuit Learn the glass secrets of Wind Reach Visit the city of Lhavit Ruin Pash for women Develop his own unique techniques Reach a standing of 500 with Zeltiva Construct three glass statues for Zeltiva Earn Izentor

[Montaine]

Completed Threads Unfaithful Telling Summer 65 498 AV 'Now Monty, I'm going to tell you a story,' A flashback within a flashback of sorts. Tiffan Redsun, Montaine's father, decides that it is time to tell his son the truth of his mother's final days. However, the tale that the horseman tells in not entirely true in all of its elements, or many of them for that matter. Alongside Tiffan's story we see the truth of the events, and it's not all clear sailing and death-defying feats of pirate slaying, as the boy's father makes it out to be. The Sailor and the Child Summer 67 498 AV An unlikely pair wax philosophical. A flashback to Montaine's youth, giving a little insight into his childhood. We see how isolated the boy's formative years were, and how eager he is for the freedom to see the outside world. This story also shows the meeting of the eight year old Montaine and Pash, an Ethaefal from distant shores. The sailor and the child ultimately engage in a discussion ranging from tales of foreign lands to the delights of swearing. A Broken Glass Boy Spring 31 512 AV In which a small setback leads to new resolve. A brief look into Montaine's life after the djed storm, and how his illness affects him. The glassmaker attempts to prove his abilities to himself, having always possessed self-doubt due to his condition. Failing, due to his physical weakness, he goes to drown his sorrows in a mug. The next day he finds that a new work order has arrived due to the rebuilding effort and resolves to retry his previous experiment that night. With the inspiration of a muse he finally succeeds in recreating the glass figurine he broke as a child. Dice at the Docks Spring 36 512 AV Where dicing with strangers turns out to be a bad idea. Feeling the need to celebrate the slight increase in business after the commencement of the repairs to the city, Montaine travels down to the docks in search of a little entertainment. A fan of games since he was a young lad, the glassmaker seeks out a couple of gamblers down by the waterfront. Though money is scarce in these times of hardship there are always those willing to throw a few dice in the hopes that Ovek is looking down on them, only some of them don't play nice. Helping Hands Spring 45 512 AV Whilst searching for the fair doctor in order to receive another lesson in the literary arts, and trying to stave off the ever present hunger brought on by the famine declared three days prior, the glassworker finds himself in the university infirmary. After mistaking Nira'lia for his teacher he finds himself doing what he can to aid the doctor's doppelgänger with her work. Hunger Pangs Spring 52 512 AV During the 512 Spring famine in Zeltiva, the harbour city citizens are hit harder than ever before by the starvation induced by their precarious location and the disruptions of the great Djed Storm. In return for taking the young Fogle under his wing, the novice invites the glassworker to his parents' house in the foothills for dinner. Unable to tolerate the flagrant gluttony of the wealthy, Zeltivan old money, Monty returns to the city. He also eats a mouldy apple, but I ain't judging. This one kind of got away from me slightly, but I regret nothing! Production Like Clockwork Spring 61 512 AV Goodwill is productive, but alcohol is fun. Montaine, after convincing his boss not to renege on his promise of free glass and coals to anyone willing to volunteer their time for the rebuilding effort, sets out to do what he can for Zeltiva. It is during this task that he meets the eccentric gadgeteer "Tock". Together they work to repair the damage wreaked upon the city by the storm, and congratulate themselves at the end of the day with a drink. Along Came a Spider Spring 68 512 AV That sat down beside her... but can you help a poor spider see? In the wake of a monster of a hang over after a colleague's raucous birthday party, Monty is awoken in the ungodly hours of mid-afternoon by the eccentric carver and a convoluted, complex contraption wriggling in her arms. The friendship between the two workers grows as they work to bring sight to an animated arachnid through the wonder of glass. Monty's Fortune Spring 82 512 AV In which Montaine asks a question. All season, whenever Montaine worked the market stall for the boss, the tent was there. Eventually curiosity got the better of him. The glassworker's encounter with the mysterious fortune-teller Anselm where he hopes to learn of the Nuit and their island off the coast of Sylira. It is fraught with danger but is the only place in the world capable of producing golem glass, so Monty feels the greatest need to learn all he can from the strange, old man in the marketplace. Alas, things do not go to plan, and a frosty antagonism is born. Hoarse Whispers Spring 83 512 AV Montaine is discovered trying to replace his lost horse. After the fortune teller took his prized glass figurine in the marketplace in exchange for the words of an oracle, the glassworker tries to craft something more to his tastes. This thread goes into Monty's relationship with his boss a little more deeply and addresses how their acquaintance has grown over the decade that they have known one another. Tiny glass fortune tellers abound. Return of the Glass Horse Spring 86 512 AV In which Montaine gets his prized glass horse back. Eager to reclaim his horse and claim the information he so desperately needs to attain his dreams, Montaine attempts to trade a newly crafted figurine to the fortune teller. Unwilling to risk insulting the shadowy nuit a second time, he awaits the man's approach. Hopefully this thread signals the start of an unhappy, antagonistic alliance that will one day take them to the dark shores of Sahova itself. No Goodbyes Summer 1 512 AV Remember forever that tragedy has met our shore. Having been required to attend Her Ladyship, Maria Satterthwite's memorial service for those lost during the course of the Spring of the Storm by his boss in an attempt to curry favour with those higher up in society, Monty bids farewell to an old colleague lost during the initial tempest. Yet he finds himself unable to feel any sense of loss for this person he has known for much of his adult life, as his mind is fixated on one man to whom he cannot say goodbye. Also, a shout out to each of the best storytellers in Mizahar. That might be a tad subjective, but I stand by it. Family Outing Summer 10 512 AV Tock takes her babies to visit their Uncle Monty. Following the death of the glasswork's second most senior employee, Monty finds himself with a vastly increased wage and no idea what to do with it. Having become increasingly aware at the sparsity of his abode, and the raggedness of his attire, he invites the most eccentric of his accomplices on a shopping trip and eventually introduces her to what remains of his own family. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Intertwining Roots Summer 12 512 AV Making literal doors, and opening figurative ones. The gaunt glassworker and the garrulous gadgeteer bond over the repairs of Monty's father's house. This thread is largely about the growth of the friendship between the two and addresses some of their respective anxieties. We also get a closer look at some of the poorer, less well maintained areas of Zeltiva, the parts of the city that the Guild and the University prefer to ignore. Results in catastrophe. The Hard Sell Summer 15 512 AV In which Montaine is sweaty. My first attempt at something a little raunchier than my usual fare, Monty attracts the eye of a wealthy merchant's son with a thing for craftsmen, he also learns that the rest of the crew are aware or have been made aware of his particular proclivities and, seeing no point in worrying about what cannot be undone, embraces the freedom to enjoy the attention while it lasts. He also gets sweaty. Stubborn Logic Summer 24 512 AV Making amends, discovering connections, learning history, and sharing real names. After a particularly bad row over the feasibility of turning Monty into a clockwork cyborg, the glassworker is confined to his bed for a blight induced episode of his childhood illness, however once he manages to recover enough to be up and about he immediately attempts to reconcile with the garrulous gadgeteer, though she's never one to make things easy. During this reconciliation their friendship grows with the discovery of a mutual acquaintance in the sailor, and the revelation of a name. Seeing Triple Summer 37 512 AV In which Montaine makes copies of a glass dolphin for Anselm. Expecting, or at least hoping, for an unremarkable day at the workshop after his close call earlier in the summer, the glassworker is peeved to discover his latest customer is none other than the fortune teller, come seeking glass dolphins in triplicate. Still hoping to some day get the old nuit on his side, and never one to turn down a commission, he accepts the task. Nobody's Got No Class Summer 67 512 AV In which a boring party turns up interesting guests. A look into the heart of upper class life from the perspective of two relative outsiders peering in. This is the event at which the glassworker first becomes acquainted with Hadrian, leading to a discussion on the finer points of city politics, financial spread and class distinction. Don't say I don't provide what the people want. Hiatus Threads The Monster in the Sky Spring 1 512 AV The welcome parade comes in thunder, lightning, and an unlikely companionship. Upon her arrival in Zeltiva, Erudite finds herself in the midst of the Djed Storm as it hits the harbour city. Also seeking shelter, Montaine takes her to the cellar of his favourite bar in an attempt to live through the catastrophic tempest. This shows the first meeting between the impertinent, young glassworker and the scholarly medic, whilst also presenting them with the prospect of Zeltiva's potential destruction. Out of Place, Right at Home Spring 40 512 AV Montaine encounters a familiar face in unfamiliar terrain. After a requisition order comes in from the university philterers, and Johann Calbert is struck down with a sudden illness, it is left to his apprentice to see their products safely into the hands of the academics. Upon his arrival in a place so alien and unfamiliar, despite being an iconic location in the city he calls home, he encounters the familiar figure of the woman he met during the storm. We get to see their contrasting experiences during the recovery of Zeltiva through their discussions. Also contains the phrase 'I'm on petching fire!' The Good Die Young Spring 89 512 AV If there's something strange in your neighbourhood, who ya gonna call? A student doctor, an eternally frail glassmaker and a blight spreading storyteller, apparently. The fair doctor has employed Monty to help her figure out the mystery of the Wright Memorial ghost, much to his chagrin, she has also brought in the help of a man by the name of Wrenmae, whose curious nature inspires suspicion in the young craftsman. Recognition Summer 5 512 AV In the aftermath of the great Djed Storm of Spring 512 AV a political upheaval began to take form in the harbour city of Zeltiva. After a substantial increase in his wages, Montaine takes to attempting to share the wealth and help those in need as his beloved city gets back to his feet. This charity does not go unnoticed and, aided by his boss' finagling, Monty begins to ascend the social ladder, somewhat unwillingly. This thread marks the first significant point in his rise to fame. Ongoing Threads The Sailor and the Adolescent Autumn 78 507 AV In which our old, unlikely friends Pash and Monty reunite and new ones, whom are also strangely old, are made. A sequel to The Sailor and the Child. Minding his master's stall in the market, a young man, now seventeen, spots a familiar face in the crowd. Eager to catch up over the occurrences of the intervening years, Montaine palms his duties off on a younger novice and remakes an old acquaintance, but has the chance to see him in a whole new light. Don't Blink Summer 85 512 AV In which Seven meets his lens-maker. Having been recommended to a certain workshop by a terrifying, garrulous gadgeteer a relative newcomer to the city encounters Monty with a request for lenses. Unaware of the specifics required in the construction the two invalids venture into the depths of East Street, home to the city's brothels and darker denizens, in search of an old friend of Calbert's, now turned drunk lecher. Essentially, two physically fragile, well dressed young men enter the bad part of town. I'm sure everything will be fine. Such Harmonious Madness Summer 89 512 AV Wherein a sick glassworker meets a most peculiar man. As disease runs rife through the harbour city, Monty's local pub, the Councillor's Head, is far emptier than it usually is. At the best of times the tucked away establishment would hardly be described as thriving, so when a stranger walks in and orders a drink, he presents an interesting diversion. Well, it was either that or listen to Gertrude attempt the panpipes. This is thread in which Monty first encounters the other half of Sector, Victor Lark. The Meaning of it All Summer 59 512 AV Politics, business, networking, monuments, grammar, and Tock in a silk dress. As another instalment in the summer 512 motif of status and class, Monty attempts to educate the arguably least cultured and least etiquette conscious person in Zeltiva in preparation for a high society dinner. Whether he can pass on the skills that his boss taught him over the years to the garrulous gadgeteer over the course of four bells remains to be seen. Whether he can even manage to get her to correctly pronounce the word 'evening' without sounding like she's never used her mouth before also remains to be seen. Somebody's Got No Glass Summer 74 512 AV Wherein a lecture on the wonders of summoning is repaid with a demonstration of window making. A sequel to a similarly named thread in which the djed scholar showed off his magical skills with an impressive display of summoning expertise. In this thread Montaine makes windows in a decidedly less impressive display. What can I say? Monty's a glassworker, you get what you pay for, and this site is ostensibly free. Make Love Not Glass Summer 16 512 AV In which Montaine makes love, not glass. A series of posts, each dedicated to a single brief intercourse between the glassworker and the merchant's son, Alexander Callay. Intercourse in both senses of the word. Yes, I went there. This thread tells the story of almost the entire relationship between Monty and Callay as it progresses over the course of the summer through their conversations. As a sequel to The Hard Sell, expect poorness. Desired Threads Titles liable to change If you would like to take part in any of the threads in the desired thread list, drop me a PM and I'll see what I can do. If you have any thread ideas that you think Montaine would be suited for, feel free to send me those as well. Be aware that I'm still in the early days a grumpy misanthrope, so play nice.

[Montaine]

The Swearbox "shyking petch" "monkey shyke" "Petch, his shyking heart and shyking lungs" "wretched vagiks" "Petch!" "Petching whore of a damned piece of shyke!" "Petch. Petch. Petching petchy petch." "Petch yeah" "Petch off you azo shyke!" "Petch" "useless venhrehk" "Those vagiks" "this shyking bar" "Ah, petch" "Shyke" "Jakri" "Petching jakri of a shrivelled old vagik of a Zith" "Petching insolence" "Petch these shykes" "Petch" "useless venhrehk" "petching rain" "Shyke!" "better be petching grateful" "petching storm" "piece of shyke" "the petching gods" "fancy-arsed" "petcher" "Shyke!" "cheap vagik bastard" "petch" "Shyke" "petch it" "Shyke" "slimy vagiks!" "Petching..." "Petching Lhex" "Petch me" "Petching, shyking, petchy shyke shyking petch shykes" "petching city!" "tight-fisted old vagik" "her shyking ladyship" "Petch it" "petching fun" "fancy-arsed" "petching good" "some shyke" "the petching thing" "shyking bagpipes" "petching storm" "vagik" "Petching Gods..." "that shyking day" "Petch!" "petching jakri" "a right petcher" "old shyke" "petching arse" "petching piece of shyke" "the petcher" "the shyking fool" "Petching Nikali" "what the petch" "petch it" "the petchin' Snapper" "the crafty petcher" "the eager petcher" "wasn't petching fair" "best petchin' glassworker ever" "he was petchin' and cursin'" "what the petch" "Shyke" "right petchin' drunk" "you drunk ol' bastid" "a stubborn ol' petcher" "the shykin' hatch" "Poor bastard" "he'd petchin' flip" "petching pillars" "shyke of a storm" "laughs and petches" "that petching man" "shyking foyer" "What the petch" "shyking library" "Petch that" "petching, shyking vagik" "every petching nuit" "Petch that shyking fortune teller!" "your petchin' manor house" "shyking, helioc petchers" "petch" "beyond that petchin' harbour" "It was petching close" "her petching birds" "some rich petcher an' his snobby li'l wife" "the petcher" "Petch" "Petch" "bite her petchin' head off!" "Petch it" "no shyke!" "the petching sailor" "Petch it" "You're petchin' in the wrong beds" "petching fingers" "like a petchin' god" "that petchin' thing" "piece o' shyke" "no rich petcher" "petch it by Lhex" "Ah petch" "tight as a petching corset" "Petch" "petch it" "the old petcher" "Shyke" "the old bastard" "you'll petch it all" "You're in for a petchin' show" "his weak, shyking lungs" "oh petch" "Petch" "don' hear me petchin' about it" "petchin' hot" "Shyke" "so petchin' huge!" "petch it" "petch" "we di'n't have a petchin' clue" "Petch it" "the little shykers" "a petchin' great job" "so petchingly terrible" "Petch" "Ah shyke" "shyking merchant" "poor petcher" "that shykestorm" "petchingly tedious party" "bit of a bugger" "Petch" "Lucky petchers" "no petchin' gods" "no shykestain" "goin' like petch" "yellin' an' petchin'" "petching bastard" "shykefest" "petched ev'rythin' up" "shyking nightmare" "petching drinking glasses" "petching drinking glasses" "Jittery as petch" "the petchin' work" "these petchers" "Petch, shyke, petch, shyke, petch, shyke" "hurt like shyke" "petching hungry" "Petchin' Lhex" "the petchers an' shykers" "Petchin' nightmare" "no petches, no shykes, no vagiks, bludgers, bastards, venhrehks, jakris, heliocs, whores, azos, or arseholes" "petchin' corsets of waistcoats" "uncomfortable as shyke"

[Montaine]

Player Character Acquaintances Monty Alias First Meeting Date The Monty Friendship Scale The Sailor The Sailor and the Child Summer 67 498 AV ★★★★★★★★★★★ The Fair Doctor The Monster in the Sky Spring 1 512 AV ★★★★★★ The Doctor's Doppelgänger Helping Hands Spring 45 512 AV ★★★★ The Garrulous Gadgeteer Production Like Clockwork Spring 61 512 AV ★★★★★★★ The Fortune Teller Monty's Fortune Spring 82 512 AV ★ The Djed Scholar Nobody's Got No Class Summer 67 512 AV ★★★★ The Half Widower Don't Blink Summer 85 512 AV ★★★★★ The Two-Faced Man Such Harmonious Madness Summer 89 512 AV ★★★

[Montaine]

NPCs of Monty's Acquaintance Just because I keep forgetting. Family Tiffan Redsun - a tall, strong man who never earned his windmarks and married for love, generally tragic, Monty's beloved Da ☠ Herenna Redsun - deceased, frail and headstrong, Monty's mother Mam - powerful queen bee of formidable stature, Monty's grandmother on his Da's side The Zeltivan Glassworks Johann Calbert - head of the Zeltivan Glassworks, Monty's boss Banden and Mory - two members of the glassworks crew, Monty's friends to an extent ☠ Joseph - deceased member of the glassworks crew, lost in the Djed Storm of 512 John "Fogle" Foglehorn - novice of the glassworks crew, from an incredibly rich family, Monty's protégé of sorts Francis - ex-member of the glassworks crew, no longer employed some time before 512 The Councillor's Head Gadger - proprietor and barkeep of the Head, does some good business, big fella, Monty's friend Gertrude and her Daughter - musicians and regulars to the Head, the latter has all the talent but the former throws a good punch, Monty's friends The Glassworks Crew - all regulars to the Head, see above High Society Johann Calbert - head of the Zeltivan Glassworks, see above Elizabetta and Gulliver Foglehorn, of the Zeltivan Foglehorns - Fogle's family with aristocratic pretensions Compton - the Foglehorns' beleaguered butler Alexander Callay - wealthy merchant's son with a thing for working class men, Monty's occasional sparring partner Yvette Mercer - a dressmaker by trade, mercer by name and tailor by profession, avowed social climber Natalie and Clarence - Yvette's long-suffering and insufferable lickspittles Low Society Tiffan Redsun - Monty's Da, see above Edie and Ralph Fantino - drunken beggars of a musical persuasion, taught Monty the raunchy Ballad of the Fair Alvadas Maiden, aged eight Lissa Hawley and her Ma - neighbours of Tiffan, family friends, calls Tiffan 'uncle' The Coopers - neighbours of Tiffan, newlyweds Harry Liddell - pickpocket, but don't tell his Mam Madam Rosary Nadir and her Girls - shrewd entrepreneur and former prostitute Terrence Abatelli - ex-lens grinder who owes a lot of favours Montaine's Apartment Building Mrs Nolty - a fearful harpy with a hell of a scratch, highly disapproving, owns birds, Monty's downstairs neighbour and part time nemesis The Fletchers - a jolly man by the name of Luca with precocious kids, Monty and Mrs Nolty's neighbours One Time Players The Gamblers - Halyche, the symenestra, Truro, the bad liar, and Bogh of little tongue, Monty's first fight Drey and Hillar - a pair of stormwardens with no respect, Monty's nth fight Samuel Fisher - fisherman's lad, Monty's first time

[Montaine]

Locations of Some Importance Monty's Apartment Building ✰ Located on Chadelia Street, east across the road from the Zeltivan Glassworks. Consists of two floors, the bottom of which is inhabited by Missus Nolty, the entrance to whom's flat is the door at the front of the building. There is a flight of stairs stretching up the north face of the building to the door to Montaine's apartment, a single room with hearth, bed, table, chair and chest. The rest of the rooms on the top floor are possessed by the Fletcher family, whose apartments are reached by stairs through the front door. Monty arrived at the flat in the autumn of 506 AV. NPCs: Missus Nolty; Luca Fletcher; Sofia Fletcher; Annette Fletcher; Caroline Fletcher PCs: Montaine Redsun The Zeltivan Glassworks ✰ Located on Chadelia Street, west across the road from Monty's apartment building. It is comprised of three main areas, the workshop being the most important. The workshop sits between two other buildings and the back of the room is open to the air. It houses three ovens along the west wall, a bench and a marver. The eastern building holds Calbert's office on the ground floor, the top floor being open for rent. The western building holds a warehouse for glass storage. Monty first started work at the glassworks in the summer of 502 AV. NPCs: Johann Calbert; Mory Whorlow; Banden Smith; John "Fogle" Foglehorn PCs: Montaine Redsun; Assorted Customers The Councillor's Head ✰ Located in a side street, a short distance from Monty's apartment building. An exclusive pub whose exclusivity is drawn solely from its unknown location and clientèle consisting almost wholly of regulars. No sign out the front. There is a bar stretching most of the way along the south wall and a makeshift stage in the north west corner. Wooden beams reach from the floor to the ceiling at regular intervals and tables and chairs are scattered around. There is a door in the south west corner that leads to the optimistically named wine cellar. There are regular musical performances by Gertrude and her daughter, only the latter of whom is musically talented. Monty was first introduced to the pub in the summer of 498 AV. NPCs: Harvey Gadger; Gertrude Bard; Gertrude's Daughter; Mory Whorlow; Banden Smith; John "Fogle" Foglehorn; Assorted Drunks PCs: Montaine Redsun; Pash'nar; Minerva Agatha "Tock" Zipporah Beggar Town ✰ Consisting of numerous streets, from Treval Street up to Vesecy. In the far north part of the town, too distant from the docks, university or market road to warrant frequent visits, the glimmering, enlightened sheen of Zeltiva fades. Weeds and grass poke up through the cobbles and the buildings are run down. Few windows even have shutters. Beggar town is a nickname fiven by the residents due to the extreme poverty in which they live. Jobs generally range from begging to thievery to prostitution and rarely anywhere else. This is where Monty was raised, and where a lot of his childhood friends still live, along with his father. Monty was first brought to beggar town in the winter of 489 AV. NPCs: Tiffan Redsun; Naomi Hawley; Lissa Hawley; Hannah Liddell; Michael Liddell; Harry Liddell; Samuel Cooper; Rachel Cooper; Edie; Ralph Fantino; Assorted Lowlifes, Thieves, and Prostitutes PCs: Montaine Redsun Market Road ✰ The Market Road stretches all the way from the fish market along the docks up to the Mirahil Pass, winding through the city as it goes, although the market itself ceases to exist in any notable form beyond the centre of town. Whilst the road is most famous for its fish stalls, there is a thriving crafts section, selling clay, ceramics and glass. The workshop has a small stall, usually manned by one or two members of the crew. Be wary of pickpockets. Chadelia Street, West Street, and the University Road all join up to the Market Road in town, whereas East Street links up to the northern end of the fish market. Monty was first saw the Market Road in the spring of 495 AV. NPCs: Johann Calbert; Mory Whorlow; Banden Smith; John "Fogle" Foglehorn; Assorted Merchants, Thieves, Visitors and Residents PCs: Montaine Redsun; Assorted Merchants, Thieves, Visitors and Residents Locations of Less Importance West Street ✰ Street full of posh shops, south of the Market Road. Monty bought his clothes from here. East Street ✰ Bad place, full of brothels, bars and thieves. Monty has connections here. The University ✰ Zeltiva's renowned centre of learning. Monty has made occasional visits here. Rose Avenue ✰ Incredibly wealthy road, full of self declared aristocrats. Monty has been forced to attend parties here.

[Montaine]

Monty's Musical Repertoire And associated musical stylings. The Ballad of the Fair Alvadas Maiden I were once a man o’ distinction, ne’er did any harm, I lived a life o’ a fancy man; owned land, a dainty farm, One day the ambassador’s ball approached, A proud, rich fella o’ no reproach His daughter, the beauty to me eye, Of bounteous breast and ample thigh! This all took place in a wondrous city, far across the sea, Not a word o’ a lie, nor a shred o’ the truth, to found here be! The ambassador’s lass was rose cheeked an’ fair, But what drew me to ‘er, well, was that wondrous pair! Says I to ‘er, want to go upstairs? Forget the world an’ all your cares? An’ she looks at me, ‘er lips all pursed An’ says, “Alas, good sir, I ‘ave been cursed!” Says I to ‘er, don’t matter to me! You’re the fairest of all Alvadas! Then she drops ‘er drawers, an' out springs forth a forest o’ cicadas! I screamed in fright, ‘n’ punched out ‘er lights, a gut reaction, ‘onest! Chased out of town, ‘n’ left to drown, to be killed, or so they promised. An’ so I drifted out to sea, in search of a new beloved, Of ample breast and bounteous thigh, waitin’ to be discovered! The Ballad of the Fair Alvadas Maiden, alternatively known as The Ballad of Ralph Fantino, came to the notice of Montaine Redsun at the tender age of eight in a side street off of the Zeltivan fish market in the Summer of 498 AV during an encounter with a pair of beggars, Edie and Ralph Fantino. Best sung whilst slightly insane and half drunk in a gutter. True Lady When I were a wee young lass I'd always give the grown ups sass An 'ey always said ta me "Why ain'tcha act like a lady!?" When I grew up an' went ta class I never thought 'at I would pass I always wondered what would be If I would ever be a lady Well, now I sure 'ave grown up fast A grown girl wit' a real fine ass! But ya surely can now see That I sure still ain't a lady! But don't ya dare say I am crass... Fer I've got what a lady has Sweet and cute I may not be But that ain't what makes a lady! But oy, ya surely wanna ask... If it ain't jus' boobs an' ass Then whatever could it be That makes a girl a real lady? Well, boys, jus' raise yer glass Fer I 'ave got far too much class Ta show ya which part o' me Is the one 'at makes me a lady! True Lady was first taught to Montaine relatively swiftly after becoming acquainted with Minerva Agatha "Tock" Zipporah during the time of Zeltiva's recovery from the great Djed Storm of the Spring of 512 AV while both had been drinking following a successful hard day's work. Best sung while utterly hammered and in possession of your own set of female genitalia. The Lonely Spider There once was a girl, depressed an’ dour, An’ the villagers would all deride her, She lived with her Pa, at the top of a tower, An’ she’d say “How I long for a spider!” Her father, a man, would get angry an’ fierce, An’ every time she asked, he denied her She’d go to her tower and cry through her tears And say “How I long for a spider!” The boys of the town would see her red eyes And laugh how they hadn’t belied her, She’d go to her tower and filled with sighs, She’d say “How I long for a spider!” The girls of the town saw her skin and hair, They mocked its whiteness aside her, An’ she’d go to her tower, full of despair, And weep “How I long for a spider!” An’ then, one day, as she sat in her room, A creature sat down beside her, Long of limb and cold as the tomb It whispered, “I am the Spider,” She saw red eyes, and pale white skin An’ it decided to confide her, “Young girl, don’t you know? You are of my kin,” It whispered, “You are a spider,” That night she went missin’, from her room in the tower, An’ her father searched far and wider, He was left all alone, depressed and dour, Crying “Where is my spider?” The Lonely Spider is an old nursery rhyme taught to Montaine too long ago for him to remember the precise source, though in all likeliness it was his father that first sang it for him. The true story of the tale is commonly believed to be of a half-blood Symenestra child running away from her human father and was recited by Montaine during the Spring of 512 AV. Best sung to children at bedtime, probably not to half-Symenestra. The Drunken Horse Oh, 'ere was a man named Leonard Who 'ad a big ol' 'orse Oh, Lenny was a fat slob An' drunk, ya ask? O' course! 'E were a 'efty feller As fat as one could be An' 'e never 'ad a real job No, 'e weren't like you o' me Cause 'e 'ad a wife named Penny An' she paid all 'is bills An' 'e was free to seek out All 'is fun an' thrills Now, ol' big fat Lenny 'E liked ta ride 'is 'orse An' from atop 'im 'e'd shout An' sing 'til 'e was 'oarse So one day 'e rode right into A bustlin', busy pub An' the man behind the bar said "So what'll it be, bub?" An' Lenny said, "I'll take two Fer me, an' fer my 'orse." An' the bar man shook 'is 'ead An' said, "I can't serve a 'orse!" An' the 'orse said ‘Nay?’ to the barman, And the barman said ‘Nay!’ right back But he wouldn’t take nay for an answer An’ the horse gave the man no slack. He said ‘Nay, nay, nay,’ to the barman ‘Til the barman could stand no more, An’ served up ol’ Lenny An’ another he did pour For Lenny’s poor ol’ horse Who hadn’t had his fill An’ he drank down the mug, right quick, Of stinkin’, dirty swill. Now Lenny was a drinker’s drinker He’d drunk since he were ten But his horse hadn’t had a drop, see? Save for water now an’ then. But the night drew on and on, it did An’ the bar grew almos’ empty But Lenny weren’t done drinkin’ Though his horse had had plenty. Now the horse was mighty tipsy An’ Lenny felt right bad, So he asked the horse right simply, ‘Wanna go home lad?’ An’ the horse said "Nay, nay nay!" And Lenny had a laugh "My 'orse, 'e wants ta stay!" He called out, then he sat "Another round o' drinks, friend!" Ta the barman, 'e did say But the barman said, "The end, Cause ya still gots ta pay!" An' Lenny let out a belch *beeeeeelch* An' said, "Come on, don't be an ass! I ain't a no good welch! I's a rich lad wit' class!" An' the barman shook 'is 'ead An' said, "Ya ain't got no class! Ya just share yer bed Wit' a rich girl's uptight ass!" An' Lenny's shoulders did slump Cause 'e knew the man were right 'E were a no good chump 'E turned ta 'ead inta the night But 'en, the drunken' 'orse said ’Nay!’ to ol’ Lenny When Lenny tried to ride him home An’ Lenny got quite angry An’ his mouth started to foam He put up his fists, said ‘Horse! You should know your place!’ Then the horse raised his hooves An’ punched him in the face! Now you’ll trust me when I tell you Never was there such a sight As ol’ Lenny and his horse In a drunken barroom fight Now Lenny had the upper hand But the horse had the upper hoof An’ kicked his ol’ master Into the ol’ thatch roof Now fat ol’ Lenny was beaten The drunk ol’ horse had won So the man got down on all fours And the horse jumped right on An’ from atop he would shout An’ neighed ‘til he was hoarse An’ Lenny learned that day, Don’ mess with a drunken horse! The Drunken Horse is a common Syliran drinking song, so pervasive in the pubs and bars and inns around the region that it has spawned many variations based upon the location in which it is being sung. Designed to be sung as either a duet or a foursome the first line of each subsequent verse is begun by the previous singer and left open for the next. Montaine first learned the song while thoroughly smashed at the Councillor's Head, and though he can't remember first hearing it he was humming the tune for the next few days. Best sung as a drunk duet, such as between Monty and Tock during the Summer of 512 AV. Gertrude's Song Ohhh I once knew a man in the old town A maaan who I did adore He never once looked at me with a frown And we’d take long walks by the shore And I dressed in my finest evening gown Which oftentimes did make men roar And I met up with him in the old town That maaan that I did adore Ohhh he said that I were the prettiest girl In aaall of the city With eyes like the sea and skin like a pearl And a beautiful voice for the ditty And beautiful hair what did softly curl That everyone thought was pretty Yes he said that I were the prettiest girl Ever in the city Ohhh and I sang him a song that night And his smile it disappeared He was so in awe of my musical might And he said that he was afeared That to take such beauty so light was a slight And he saw that midnight it neared And such a gent he said good night And then he disappeared Gertrude's Song has never been heard by Montaine in its entirety, as he usually makes a subtle exit from the pub in which the infamous musician makes her music during the third verse. One such occasion was during the Summer of 507 AV during drinks with Pash'nar. It was written and composed by Zeltiva's worst musician in reference to an old flame. The rhymes and rhythm are forced, and the subject matter is questionable. Best not sung.