I Don't Know What To Feel
College is so close.
Today was our first day at the AHEAD review center, and while my excitement definitely kept my sleep-deprived body wide awake, it did nothing for the tense pain that pounded in my chest. The classroom was silent, filled with awkward glances and faraway smiles; they were the only things I could take notice of in order to keep my sanity. The boy next to me was wearing a mint green shirt, if I recall correctly, and he ignored me until we were told to befriend one another. After that, we exchanged awkward grins. The girl on the other side of me was much friendlier, and I distinctly recall that she was wearing a red plaid blouse, and had a metalmouth of a smile. It was endearing, and I've only just met her. We would occasionally speak from time to time, whenever we could, if only to be cordial. It was nice.
I suppose it might've been the three hundred items on that damn diagnostics test, or the fact that it was meant to be a simulation for the actual entrance examination for the university of my dreams. It begun easily, and I answered every question at a steady pace, but once I'd gotten past one hundred and fifty, my brain was burning up and releasing steam. The temperature in the room rose as sighs began to escape the lips of my classmates more frequently, and without a doubt, their heads were boiling up as much as mine was. If we were any more in the room, I would've expected the windows to steam up, and it wouldn't be because of the air-conditioning. I came home tired yet relieved, and happy to have survived my first day. I happily spoke with my friends online, without incident, and it was great, but something was eating me up and I wasn't sure what it was. Or perhaps, it's better to say that I couldn't admit to what it was.
I slept it off because I didn't know what else to do. Talking about it seemed useless, because I wasn't even sure how to word it out right. I wasn't sure what I felt. I woke up to a dark sky, dry eyes, and a heavy heart. My mother was home, but my father hadn't gotten back from the hospital yet (he's a doctor, they both are). She greeted me happily, but I returned the sentiment with a strained smile and a tired expression on my face. My first concern was the fact that I was going to have difficulty sleeping tonight, because I'd napped the entire afternoon away. We briefly discussed my day at the review center, and then later on about a book that I may be collaborating on. After that, the rest of dinner was filled with little conversations about current events and soap operas. I stayed out of it and ate my bacon in peace.
I keep worrying about my future, about the things that I'll be doing, and the things that I'll have to do. I keep thinking about all the responsibilities that I'll be having this school year, and my heart wrenches with anticipation and anxiety. I don't know why, but I feel as if I am surely not going to make it through this year. I'm the Editor-in-Chief to my school's newspaper, but some of the members of my editing board seem not to respect me or believe in my capabilities. It's not that I worry that I won't meet their expectations, but I worry that they'll disrespect me or refuse to listen to me when I give out orders or assignments. I'll have to resort to shouting, if reason won't reach their ears. Fortunately, most of my editors are good and well, and we all get along, so the chances of conflict, though possible, are slim. I'll be a senior this upcoming school year, and when I think about the subjects that I'll be taking, I worry. It won't be hard if I work hard, but what if even when I do my best, I don't succeed? At all?
Being the head of a publication is taxing, especially when you're not even used to newswriting, and your style is better suited for editorials and literary pieces. Being a senior at my school is exhausting, especially when you're often the leader of group works, and you are often given projects and assignments that should take weeks to finish, yet you are only given a day. Our educational system makes it so that our projects pile up and have unfair deadlines, and our examinations occasionally occur within small intervals, but no one has ever bothered to complain. I for one would just like to go through it and be done with it, instead of go out of my way and attempt to change it.
Attending the press conference last week and beginning my review classes have both opened my eyes to the reality that I will be incredibly stressed and inexplicably busy this year, and towards the start of the next. I'm terrified, and afraid, and frustrated... But it's natural, isn't it? It's normal, because I'm entering a whole new stage in my life, where everything is and will be, completely different. My frustrations boiled up and I had to cool down, and after talking to a good friend (hey there, Kalila), I felt immediately better. I don't know for sure if this can be called "entering adulthood," but it sure sounds like it. How interesting, I never thought I would get here, but I am. It's amazing.
I'm going to make it, and I'm going to be happy. It'll be just fine!