17 Spring 512 A.V. It was mid-afternoon when Vetiveria finally awoke. She'd had difficulty falling asleep last night; she was still in shock from the day before. That morning he'd smiled and told her to have a good day before she went for a walk; when she'd returned that evening, his heart was no longer beating. She had instantly recognized it as a heart attack. I should have been there! I could have at least gotten him to the help that would have saved," she sighed. But Father wouldn't want me to feel guilty. 'The past is past' as he always said. I wonder why he said that with so much firmness... Oh! Now I feel guilty for feeling guilty! It took every ounce of her self-control to refrain from banging her head against the headboard. Reluctantly, she rose from her bed. Her father had usually been an organized individual, but his last days had been spent enthralled by researching some newly-imported flora so his things were in a state of disarray. This won't do, she firmly pointed out to herself. Father would want his belongings cleared out in well-labeled boxes... and they will be! She'd picked up some medium-sized cardboard boxes the day before, though it had been the only thing her shock had allowed her to do. I can do this, she urged herself on as she assembled the boxes. I can be strong, for Father and for me. The first box was dedicated to his journals. He'd kept a daily journal, and she was determined that his personal journals be carefully stored away where they would not be accidentally read. She packed the volumes in tightly, stacking them every which way so no gaps were present. The second and third were dedicated to his folders and notebooks. She noticed that her pace slowed with each item she actually looked at; Vetiveria could practically feel it trying to drown her. It seemed like losing Mother had been different, easier, though she supposed her memory might have blocked out the more painful parts of her grief. At least the things meant only for him are ready to be disposed of, she reasoned with herself. This day has not been a lost battle. Settling on the couch, she tried to think of the advice she'd recieved after Mother's death. Talk to someone close... well, I do have my aunts, but I never spoke to them too much; they reminded me too much of Mother, and then they stopped coming by. I don't want to trouble them now. She furrowed her brow and wrapped her arms around herself. A change of scenery. Well... that might be a good idea. I could learn new things, and I wouldn't need to worry about everything being a memory trigger. She didn't know much of the world outside of the Taldera region, but her father had sometimes told her about Alvadas: a city just as unpredictable as its god. Alvadas always sounded so interesting... I wonder if I could find a way there... it is a trade city; that is certainly in my favor..." Her thoughts trailed off as she noticed it was nearly dark. She closed her eyes and let out a tired sigh. The temple looked far away, and she was unsure if she could stay awake long enough to make the walk there and back. Instead, she laid a blanket on the floor to kneel in the direction of the Ice Palace and began to pray to the wind, tears threatening to fall as she spoke. She was surprised to find she didn't feel like she was betraying the city. That part of her had realized she needed to heal before she could help others. "My Beloved Queen, forgive me, but I feel I should leave Avanthal. It won't be forever, but it will be a while. I need to grow stronger, and I can't do that here, not until I've healed more from the shock of my father's death. If I stay here, I'll see him everywhere, and I know that will not do. He'd want me to rise from this, and I want to rise from this so that I may better honor you. I will not leave my faith behind. I vow to love and honor you, no matter where I may be. When I return, I will help to make Avanthal a better place. Peace be with me." She was now struggling to keep her eyes open, but whenever she honored any god, she also honored Rak'keli and tonight would be no exception. So she rose and opened one of the cabinets in the kitchen; she took out some packets of dried herbs and began to prepare a tea. "Rak'keli, I prepare this tea in honor of you," she carefully began to crush dried flowers with a mortar and pestle. "Chamomile to settle my nerves and allow me to sleep tonight," then she poured the powder into a kettle of boiling water and waited for it to steep. "I have decided to go on a journey, one of self-healing, and I hope that I will learn how to help others as my heartbreak eases. Of course, I will work hard to improve my skills so that I may be worthy of calling myself your follower," she carefully poured a cup full of the tea. "May my travels allow me to encounter all sorts of new things I can use to help others. Perserverance be with me." With that, Vetiveria downed her cup of tea and attempted to fall asleep. |