Secret pages

[Lexa Maze]

My life...

[Lexa Maze]

I needed something to fill my nights. This is that something. This is where I will be completely honest. This is something no one must ever see. It is locked by a chain for a reason. If you are looking at this page, then you are very special indeed. Or you have just made me very angry. Please, read on friend, but know that the following content is none of your business. Not that that would stop most people. It wouldn't stop me, after all.

[Lexa Maze]

Dear diary Mother says that I should write about myself in this book. She bought it for me when we were in Sylirus city. I don't know why I need to. But mum says I might want to look back on it. She says it is a special place to record memories, thoughts, sights. I love mother. She will provide the best of memories to write about in this book. So I will do as she suggests. But today hasn't been a good one, diary, I lost to my brother again. Another fight lost. More blood spilt. My blood. Never his. I feel so useless. My mother insists that I am not, but what else could I be. There must be some reason why father doesn't ever look at me. The only way to get him to look at me is by challenging my brothers to a fight. They always go off without me, because I am too weak to go. I don't want to be weak. I want my father to look at me like mother does. So I have to win. But I can't. what if I can't forever. Father always said I was clumsy. When I cry my older brothers mock me. But I always get up. I can't give up. I want to join them, and have fathers affections. I love father, but he does not love me. Why? The battle was a short one. Haymish cheated. He pulled a dagger that I didn't know he had. The cut hurt, but it is my fault for not blocking it. Mother says what he did wasn't honourable, but father says that I should be able to block it anyway.

[Lexa Maze]

Hello diary I'm tired of losing to him. I trained too hard today. I didn't give myself any brakes. And eventually I collapsed. My mother scoped me up of the ground and I woke up the next day unable to move. The cramps were the worst. They would cast my whole body into pain. mother said an eight year old like myself shouldn't be overworking herself like I do. But what else can I do? Father says that I learn too slowly. Now I can't continue you to tran for another two maybe three days. Mother says that I am still growing and this was very dangerous. She says it wont help me beat my brother anyway. I suppose she must be right. After all, I can't do anything if I can hardly move, can I? Father was angry because he wanted to move on from Sylirus sooner, but because I cannot move, they have had to stay here longer while I recover. They have all gone to train in the mountains now. I feel like nothing. Will I ever be something worthwhile? Nothing much happened today. I lay in bed, I read a book about monsters, and my mother talked me into writing this. I'm sleepy now though, diary, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[Lexa Maze]

Oh happy day diary! I beat my brother! I even broke his nose! My father praised me! Father says we are going to Nyka tomorrow, but tonight he traied me himself. I can't move again, but my arms and my legs are getting stronger. I am getting stronger. He still says I'm worthless, but now I have a chance at changing from that status! I wonder why mother got mad after she read this. She says that I should not celebrate the pain of others, especially if I had inflicted it. Mother uses a lot of big words. I'm surprised I remember. But mother still loves me. She said she will always love me. Maybe I should think about hurting hamish differently. But he hurt me many times and father thought I did good, so what is the big problem? Another thing I saw today that confused me. I met a boy. He didn't want to fight with me. And he got scared of me when I asked him. I told him he was weird and he called me a freak. He said all he wanted to do was talk to me. I barely even touched him? I don't understand... Am I a freak?

[Lexa Maze]

Long time no see, Diary It had been a whole season since I last wrote. I turned nine today and I found you again, diary. The times have been hard going. Father has killed people, he has killed many. I watched him cut a mans throat because he tried to pickpocket father. Alar has stopped smiling. He and I don't talk like siblings anymore. He talks to me as if I am a slave girl. Toukou is much the same. He likes Alar though. He tries to make him happy. Mother is becoming distressed. She seems to cling to me. She does not talk to Alar or Toukou. She hates father. Hamish is often next to me. He is my best friend. But there is so much blood. I sometimes hurt people. I feel powerful. I feel like father eyes me with respect when I do. But mother never praises me when I hurt people. She says it is wrong. How can it be so? Father loves me! He...loves me. I don't know what to do. With every day that passes I feel more and more confused. Sometimes I see children my age playing. I don't know how to play. I once played tag with Haymish, but I pushed him into the dirt when I tagged him and he got mad. So he tried to hit me, and I tried to hit him back. Afterwards he won. I am scary like that boy said long ago.

[Lexa Maze]

Hello Diary The days have begun to blur together. I fought a monk in Nyka today. He was very strong and I couldn't beat him. Alar rescued me and killed the man.We had to leave the city afterwards. We are on the roads now. We have a small caravan and are traveling in it. Everything is okay when we are traveling. I can tall to mother. She draws a lot. She shows the drawings to me. I think they are very good. I like drawing too. A girl I met in the forest today said I was pretty. She was a girl who could turn into a bird. She said that I should play hide and seek with her, and so I did. It was fun until Alar stepped in and scared the girl to death. She ran away crying and I was angry. So I tried to fight Alar. But he was too string for me. It was so painful to lose. Not just physically. But Alar is fathers star pupil. He will continue fathers leadership of our family. I am 10 years old now diary. There were many many entries before this one but I lost them. I'm sorry diary.

[Lexa Maze]

Dear Diary I hope you can forgive me. I lost you. I made dad go back for it, and because I had improved a lot, he let me go back and find you in the hollow of a tree. I'm afraid you are torn and battered now, but there are still so many pages left. I look back on my entries from when I was 8,9 and 10 years old and I feel a little sick. I'm 15 now diary. The days are getting worse. My mother does not like to move. Sometimes I think the only reason she stays here is because I am here. I still fight pickpockets, even spy and mercenaries. Mother hates that it brings me joy when I win. When they lose and are in pain. Father is growing old, and he doesn't kill anymore. He barely even fights. Mother says he is sick. She says she doesn't know what exactly is wrong with him. But Alar and Toukou is slowly taking over him. They take me out to fight now. Haymish doesn't like it, but he won't admit it. He is too scared of them to admit it. Alar demands that I follow everything he says. When I do not do this he says that I am 'defying' him! What kind of rubbish is that?! He is my eldest brother, but I am not his slave girl! I've had enough. I want to leave. Mother wants to as well. Maybe we will. My birthday is coming up again soon. Its just another day really, thought. But Alar scares me. Toukou too. He is like an attack dog at Alars command. Toukou like pain. He enjoys screaming. How... how could it be?