Letting Go

by **Ricky Maze** on February 5th, 2013, 6:13 am

Letting Go
Part 4.4 of The Part of Moving On
Winter 72nd, 512 AV; 23rd Bell

When we realize that the reality is what it is and the truth can never change, we fight it until we're done and ready to give in. After we give in we think about all that was and could have been, only to find that no matter how much we dwell on it; there is no going back. Afterwards we deal with it like a storm, watching as the rain falls endlessly in our crushed world. Its when we allow the storm to end though that we see the light it hides...

Ricky laid in bed and stared at the ceiling above. For once his mind was at a peaceful state, unlike the previous days of the season. It wasn't the peace he sought or desired, but the peace he needed to at last clear the cloud in his head. What he thought about was the same as thoughts he had before, but this time a lesson to count along with it. 'Maybe I'm not as pathetic as I thought.' There was enough evidence to prove that was right, people of all kinds had come around to talk to him and listen to his story. They all understood he was in pain and didn't judge him, even more they cared for him in unexpected ways. They showed concern and he did his best to hide away, all because of pride. 'I pushed them away, all because I didn't want to burden them.' Yet he didn't. Hadrian and Valo were proof that his troubles weren't all that overwhelming, and when he shy'd away from them others helped talk him through. Kayleigh, Synthira, Arianthe, Nai'a all helped him out and showed it didn't take close friends to care. When the world seemed to grow dark and cold, all these people came along to lighten it up a bit.

'What an idiot I turned out to be, I must'a been a total ass to them.' He thought about it some more as the night seemed to carry on, about the times he came off too angry or to irritated. Those moments when he withdrew in his shell to avoid any real connection to others, when they felt for him and he thought it pity instead. They all wanted to help him and he wouldn't allow it, even when he wanted help he turned away when he had the chance. When it seemed he was set on doing something he fell back into the same hole, same cycle, until he could get past it. The advice he was given though did not go unnoticed though. 'I should've listened at the time, but I was too damn stubborn....'

'You blame the blood of Odis on your hands.' The words of the artist were clearer than before. 'And for that you are wrong my friend. For there is no one other to blame than the cruel hand that had extinguished his flame too soon. You have not failed your friend, rather his love for you was too strong to allow you to end up in his place. Thus do not let his sacrificial bring you pain but rejoice in the very love that Odis had for you. You say there were things you could have done differently but there is a reason that events have turned out the way they had and that's because there was no other way. Do not dwell on the past my friend but strive to correct the future. What you are doing for Zeltiva is truly noble.' Noble. Yet it wasn't for the sake of nobility or pride, just a desperate act to fight for something. A reason to cling to life, a shield to have used to carry on. Or was it.

'We’ll begin simply with stating your name, your home of origin, your weapon of choice, and your stock for being here. I want no one chasing glory or stories for the whores of East Street. I need people invested in the safety of Zeltiva…so convince me you are, or walk away.' So once said the fellow Wave Guard on the day they met, when the day proved to be a trial at best it proved even more Ricky's "noble cause" was more then just an escape. He desired to protect something that mattered to him, that he believed was the only thing he had left. He wanted to protect Zeltiva because it was his home, but even that wasn't the important part of it...

by **Ricky Maze** on February 7th, 2013, 9:32 am

'Do you love Zeltiva, Ricky? Do you love her with all your heart and soul? Do you want to protect her so our children, and our children's children can love her as well?' It was a question Ricky couldn't reflect on before, because he was still angry at the time. He thought about it now of course; and indeed it was true. Only to a point however. 'You're humble, steadfast, virtuous, and brave. What more would a man looking for the commander of a new faction of Wave Guards want?' True as that may be he still didn't buy it, Ricky only did what he felt was right. Becoming a defender of Zeltiva was like a fallback, when he had nothing else left he faltered to believe the city was the only thing he had left to protect.

Ricky turned to his side and held his pillow close, his mind wrapped around more and more as his heart picked up its beat with a heavier feel. 'Are you here to see anyone in particular?' The soft words of the young woman he met in the memorial came across next, the day still fresh as though it were only yesterday to him. 'Everyone and everything dies eventually.' The truth that would always scare others, but as he remembers them now Ricky wasn't afraid. 'I am sorry for your loss, but I am sure you'll agree that it is better you had known, loved and lost him than never known him at all. You will always have those fond memories to make you happy in times of strife, and that should make his passing easier for you. I am certain he would not want to know that you are held back in any way by the loss.' Sure it enough was to make him better. That's what made it so hard to accept Odis was gone, but when Ricky thought he could that was when the worst got a hold of him.

'Why did you jump?' The question that broke the silence of that cold night, of course his thoughts were colder before she came along. 'But if you die, there may be several people in the same place you are right now. I'm sure losing you would mean something to someone else at least. As for being a burden, sometimes when we help our friends we heal ourselves in the process.' The idea seemed stupid at first but when he realized it that night he found that drowning himself was not the answer. It was actually a stupid decision made by the fact he was depressed, along with feeling beatdown at every turn he made in life. 'I believe time heals all wounds, if you will only let it.' Maybe there was real truth in those words, and as much as he didn't want to admit it she was right. Time was an essence that could only ease some of the pain if he would be patient, yet the problem was the amount of pain he felt already.

'Hello, my sea bear, why are you crying?' The fellow dream walker who first changed his perspective, gave him hope and reason to stay positive when coming home. Of course until that night came. 'I know we've only met in the realm of our imagination, but... would you like a place to stay?' He took Ricky in even as they were strangers, yet there was no denying that bond of friendship existed. He proved Ricky wrong about emotionally shutting out friends, and that there was in no shame in relying on others. 'You're strong. You can help with things. It'll take your mind off of things to be helping other people.' However he wasn't able to save Odis that night, and ever since then he doubt himself more than ever.

Ricky turned on his other side now, he gripped the pillow tighter as he could feel himself on the verge of crying once again. There had been crying for the past few weeks he remained indoors alone, each time was a release of the pain he felt inside; the pain he kept hidden away.

by **Ricky Maze** on February 19th, 2013, 9:07 pm

'An animal’s love is one that is hard to be replaced. Most people think of animals as brainless and emotionless, that is how people view me.' The words of a close friend, a healer whose not only healed him once but twice. It was her that somehow changed Ricky unknowingly, because her kindness was so rare. So genuine to the world, where there was complete darkness she somehow brought light. 'Do not blame yourself for his death. He knew what he was doing and would not have done so if he did not love you. Animal’s are different from humans, in that they make decisions with their heart and not their minds. They act on their emotions for others, not for themselves. I am so sorry for your lost. It is hard to get past losing someone whom you loved and cared for so dearly.' These were the words of a Kelvic, a creature that somehow always sought a bondmate. To hear those words was to shatter stone walls, and now that he recalled them he felt his walls were at the breaking point. 'But sometimes it is best to relish on the love you shared with them, the great memories you made with one another, knowing that they are in a better place now. A place without pain.'

It was true. Odis was now in a better place than this world; he was inside Ricky's heart. This whole time Ricky wanted Odis to come back when he never thought that Odis never left, Odis had been there with him the whole time Ricky was moping around. 'Sometimes it is best to hold your head high while the rain pours on you, for the rainbow is sure to come when the sun comes back out.'

'If only it were that easy...' The room blurred for a minute as warm tears left his eyes. First from the left, then the right a tick after. 'Its okay, let it all out… Crying helps, it’s better to get it out then hold it in.' He wasn't going to fight it this time, Ricky was going to let everything pour out. His breathing came to huffs now as tears flowed free, the dam that once held the river finally broken through as the water ran free. There was no stopping the previous times he cried, but now there was no need to stop them. Now was the time to release the pressure the tears brought.

'Mister Ricky... What were you looking at?' The words of an innocent young child, on the day the fantasy lie finally shattered. 'You know, if you are sad, it is always okay to be sad and not smile. I mean, I cry when I get sad.' Such a dear child couldn't have said much wiser words, for one so young she experienced enough troubles to feel the emotion. She may not have known what Ricky was going through, but that really didn't matter at the time. She knew he was sad, and even she tried to help him.

'My father wanted me to have a guardian, so he trained Nuada to be that guardian. As a result he also had us bond closely. When he was a puppy we spent every day together he wasn't being trained.' Words said from a lady who brought back ao many good memories, memories of past days when he and Odis were always together. 'Where I come from such is taboo. To kill another's companion.I know what it is like to have someone you love so dearly, I am sorry you had to lose him.' She understood his pain just as the others did. Therefore she could also understand his reason for feeling so much pain and regret. Yet amidst the regret he stood up for a new purpose, but was it wrong to go about the way he did?

'Of course not, you must have courage to take on that responsibility. I don't know if I could ever do that.' The words of another young girl, a Syliran who had experience so much trouble at a young age. Her words made him think about it, how courage would've been needed to defend the city. In fear there was always courage to be had, that's what helped him carry on. Courage for his friends, courage for his dog. 'Know however, that you are not alone.' The final piece that chained it all together. The very thing that made Ricky regret doing what he did this season.

Ricky acted like an ass. There was no excuse for it. When he should've relied on his friends he didn't, he only put himself in a place where he felt alone. He sobbed. He sobbed and held the pillow tight. What Ricky felt was pain that lamented in his heart, pain that was finally running free as he wept. Each tear he shedded was warm and continuous, as it would follow the flow of its previous sibling.

by **Ricky Maze** on February 24th, 2013, 5:09 pm

It had been an entire bell he spent crying, the pain washed away as the tears ran their course. Never before had such relief followed after such a release, the tension that grew within his emotional well being had cracked and released the pressure that had built within, and now he just had the final thing to do. Think about what he has to do next, and let go of the past.

'Ye can't change anythin and ye know that,' He told himself in silence, 'but the thing ya need to do is move on. Let it go and focus on the here and now.' He wiped his face as he looked back up to the ceiling agan. His mind wondered on the things he had done this past Winter, and the things he could've done and not felt such regret to. 'I need to apologize... I need to make amends for my actions, prove to them I'm no longer gonna be like that." It was a mindset that only came naturally, as he clearly made many mistakes this season. Mistakes he had finally learned from, and that he would be making up for.

'After tonight things will change. This time for the better...' He told himself, there was actual slight change in him. He felt determined now, somewhat stronger then he was before. It was a feeling he had to hold on to, to use as motivation as well as convincing himself he wasn't weak and disappointing.

Ricky spent more time and thought about his actions, his regrets, the past, all that would usually bring a person down really, but instead they were his motivation. His reason to carry on and prove he had what it took to get back in the trials that awaited him. His thoughts wondered for what felt like the longest time, until finally it slipped into the sleep he sought; tomorrow would be the start of something different. Tomorrow would be a new change...

by **Traverse** on April 28th, 2013, 7:44 pm

Letting it All Go

Ricky :

Additional Notes :

Questions? Concerns? PM me and we'll get to the bottom of it. Safe Travels!

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