[Albireo's Scrapbook] Self-Oblivious Solitude

[Albireo]

Intro Name: Vanessa Age: 20 Location: Austria Occupation: University Student (Japanology) *will be prettified later Chance inspiration for Albireo: Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven by W.B.Yeats Had I the heaven’s embroidered cloths Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet; But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

[Albireo]

A Note On The Game RPG is my guilty pleasure. I cannot change the fact that I treat it differently than novel or short story writing. Just recently I realized why: It’s obvious in the name role-playing game. It’ll always be a game. Everything built around collaborative writing, character sheets, forums, skills and abilities will always be a game to me. Mizahar emphasizes the writing aspect, true, but it’s still a game. Even in the top menu, it says ‘roleplay’, not ‘write’. My mind is shaped in a way that ranks gaming lower than writing. By writing, I mean the creative process that produces short stories, novellas, novels, poems or plays, in other words, stories by a single person that can be published the traditional way. I know publishers don’t want to deal with copyright issues of collaborative writing the size of Mizahar and I understand that. Besides, I want to create something that’s entirely and completely mine. I want to hold it in my hands and for other people to read it. I want them to hear how it screams ‘this is my idea’. I can’t do that with RPG writing. That is why I see RPG inferior to traditional forms of writing. That doesn’t mean it’s a complete waste of time though. On the contrary, it’s fun. It provides a huge world full of original concepts, races, places, magic and so much more. If you like fantasy and collaborative writing, by all means indulge in it. I do it to a point that can be called obsessive and addicted, I admit that. It tends to happen when I’m at a dead end with my own writing, for example when my plot isn’t working or I’m questioning the reason behind it all. I value it as creative practice: It’s a perfect home for ideas I wouldn’t use in a novel, it allows me to delve deeply into a character’s personality and to experiment. It’s also a place to practice my English in a creative and fun way. RPG does have its place in my life. I’ve been at it more or less consistently for four years and I don’t want to miss it. However, it’s not the love of my life as far as writing is concerned. That is novels. I’m a traditional: I want to see my novel in a bookshop, touch its pages and inhale their scent one day. RPing won’t help me with that which is the reason why my activity has dwindled over the last year or so. It simply means that I’m going back to my roots, doing what I enjoy the most. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself and an explanation to anyone who’s interested. I don’t want to get lost in this magnificent fictional universe again, no matter how tempting it is.

[Albireo]

One Year On March 24, my PC had her one year anniversary in Mizahar. I’ve been thinking about the way she’s come, the things she’s done and the truths she’s discovered and I can say I’m satisfied. Although I could’ve been more active, I’ve been moderately consistent at least (save for winter) and that’s worth more than post count. When I started playing Albireo, her concept was to be ruled by fear. She was timid and a coward, afraid of everything and everyone. After the Fall she was pushed around and run over by the cruel cruel world that is post-Valterrian Mizahar. She’s been hurt, hunted, enslaved and abused. In the beginning her fate was tragic, so tragic it almost hurt to write about it all the time, but that edge has faded away a little since. I’m glad because despite everything she’s gone through, I don’t want her to be the typical damsel in distress. Her character diamonds say she’s tenacious. I wanted her to have that kind of driven and fanatic streak. Its core lies in her love to Leth, of course. But there is so much more: When she has set her mind on something, nothing will stop her. That means that the moment she decides to get rid of her phobias, she’ll work her a** off until she’s completely and utterly cured. The potential is there and the possibilities of roleplaying have added to it. For some reason Lhavit seems to attract Sym PCs that are ‘different’ from the typical clawed and silver-tongued Sym on Harvest. Her first reaction was the same in each and every thread, but then she started noticing differences. After a few posts her fear would allow a certain amount of logic and reason and she’d realize that particular Sym was no immediate threat she had to run away and hide from. “So does that mean not all Syms are evil?” That’s a big thing for her. Symenestra are similar to Zith (claws, fangs) and she’s run from Zith in the past. Of course, it’s partly because she’s been in Lhavit for a whole year now. The two years before she spent running from various sources of danger. Always on the fly, always driven by fear, never resting or settling in one place. Then the Akalak took her in, she found Alvadas and got acquainted with a few people. Traveling through Kalea and the Djed storms were another nightmare. However, in Lhavit she settled down for the first time. In the year she’s lived there the city has been safer than any other place she’s ever been, so she sees it as the epitome of safety, a perfect place to live. That is, until the Zith attack happened. But that’s good since it’ll remind her of her devotion to Leth. If Zith can attack Lhavit, no place in the mortal world is safe. Therefore, she’ll return to Leth, accusing, praising, asking questions, praying. I’m planning to have her answer the call of the Temple of the Moon for acolytes and I also hope the new resident DS (yay!) will be kind enough to give her a Gnosis mark. When that happens, I’ll be very happy. It’s been one of my goals for Albireo from the start. So, she’s come a long way. She’s been through hell and lived to tell the tale, so to speak. But her hell isn’t over yet. Like Nietzsche said (paraphrased), “if you gaze into the abyss long enough, the abyss will gaze into you eventually”. She still has to get rid of the mental damage those two years have dealt. It’ll take time and further character development. But after the last year, I know I’ll enjoy every minute of it. Albireo has potential for a lot of character development and I want to know where that takes her. It’s beautiful when PCs grow and bloom like that.

[Albireo]

How do you completely turn your character concept around? What if you realize, halfway through playing them, after a hundred posts or so, that the concept you had come up with isn’t as great as you had thought? Can you still save the character and turn them into someone else? And how do you construct such a life-changing experience that is either entirely coincidental or created by such a complex mix of factors in real life that it seems impossible to imitate in writing? Is there really no way but creating a new character? I’m not referring to Albireo, btw.

[Whimsy]

I get that. I feel exactly the same way with Johanne. She started out with a clear goal, a clear personality, and eventually that goal stagnated, I got lazy writing her personality, and she became a stereotype, an image: not an actual person. I don't know what's happening with her anymore. I'm relying on a modded quest I have with her to give her more aim, more purpose, and I'm hoping that with that will come a rejuvenated way of writing her, a way that will be more real. But at the same time, I really just want to make another character, one that is real, with an aim, with something tangible to them. I feel like I would be betraying Jo by doing that.

I don't know. I completely understand what you're saying, and it's a frustrating position to be in. Absolutely.

[Albireo]

Quests, the really good quests tend to do just that. I can remember several on Miza that have completely changed a PC and made them unique within the game. I hope you're lucky enough to experience that with Johanne. But I thought you had another PC?

And I probably should've said "completely wrong" instead of "not as great as I had thought". Once I tried turning a PC around and completely failed, so I'm extra cautious now... just in case. Creating a new PC seems to be the best solution, although it's not really a solution.

[Whimsy]

I do have another PC, but a key player to that PC has sort of disappeared so he's somewhat superfluous. He didn't have a single thread all Spring. I'm sort of tempted to make a new PC for Kenash with a few people, but I've also learned the dangers of making a PC to play with other people.

I want to make a new character but I think what I need to do is sit down and figure out: what do I want to write about? What do I think is important in writing? What sort of writer do I want to be?

I have my writing off site and that is going well, but I want to get my character fulfillment out of Mizahar, too.

What are you thinking of doing: turning the PC around, starting again, or staying as we are?

[Albireo]

Oh, Kenash. Shall keep an eye on that shiny.

Your own writing and Miza writing are completely different things though. They come with different rules, states of mind, advantages, drawbacks, etc... But I think if you just let the issue sit for a while and mull it over in your mind, something will come to you sooner or later.

Me, I think I'll stay and see how it develops for now. Even if I decided to create a new PC, there are things I need to clear up before I could do that anyway - so my time management doesn't blow up on me. The PC I'm thinking of isn't an active one, so there's no pressure at all. I've just been thinking about this for some time, so I wanted to throw it out and maybe get an opinion. Thanks for commenting.