by Kellan Lucia on July 10th, 2010, 4:23 am
Kellan was taken aback by Kovac's retort. He knew that he talked to much but no one had ever pointed it out to him. It would be a lie if he said that Kovac's words did not hurt but he needed to hear them. He really thought about what Kovac had said to him. He had just been living in two extremes. After Toran died he was exactly like Kovac. He wouldn't talk to people and when they did talk to him he treated them like eagle droppings until they left him alone. He wanted nothing to do with anyone. He wanted to just lock everyone out so he would not get hurt again. To him, it was better to keep everyone away than to lose another person he loved. At one point he had even held a guy a few years younger than him at knife point because he wouldn't leave him alone. He was a total emotional mess without Toran. He would have killed the boy but he looked at Kellan and said "You can kill me Endal but what will that prove? All the darkness in you will never bring your twin back. You will never feel better until you let down that wall and let people in". Kellan just ended up punching him across the face and leaving him with nothing worse than a black eye. It did get to him though. He truly wanted to be better but instead he just became the polar opposite of how he truly was. If who he was knew him now he knew that he would have just been another guy shoved against a wall threatened with their life.
Thinking about it opened up some old scars that Kellan had truly wanted to keep closed. He could not look at Kovac because he knew that he could read him like a book. "Yeah, I need to work on that..." he said trailing off. What could he say to Kovac? He doubted Kovac wanted to hear any of the millions of thoughts rushing around his mind. Everything was rushing to the surface and bubbling over. It was crazy how one's mind could suppress so much. He had been living like Toran never existed but he was still acting like he was honoring his memory. The truth was after all these years of sunny optimism he was still not over his brother's death. He just needed a grumpy archer to make him notice that.
Kovac took his silence as an opening and shot an arrow at the target. Kellan was surprised to see it sink dead center into the target. Kovac seemed to take advantage of his silence and started to talk again. He asked him if he ever took pleasure in his self-pity. Kellan looked right at Kovac and for the first time since they had met he was being one hundred percent serious. "Everyday. Nothing has ever felt as good as wallowing in my self pity. It was all I did for the longest time. I'm sure you know this but even though it hurts so bad to sit there and think about my brother, without it life does not seem complete you know? Within my self pity for not helping him more I felt secure. I guess I just wanted to be a better person but walking around like I have sun shining out my rear doesn’t really make up for anything. He is still gone and I haven’t dealt with it. I guess I just needed someone like you to point it out to me.” he said. He bit down on his lip; he was not going to get emotional here. This was not the place or time. He gripped the sleeve and let out a long breath. ”I guess I just need to find some middle ground between who I was and who I am because neither person is dealing with this correctly.” he said quietly. He bit down on his lip again which was a sure sign that he was trying to hold back tears and ran his fingers through his thick red hair. ”Thanks man, I needed to wake up from this dreamland. I’m gonna try to be less…, sun-shiny but no promises. Old habits die hard.” he said forcing out a small pained smile. It was the first time in a while he had to force it. He wanted to find some way to tone down his puppy-like personality while still being happy-go-lucky Kellan. Maybe it would be easy or he might even fail and slip back into one of his two extremes, deep depression or crazy happiness but he had to try. He would have to grow up someday, he just didn’t know when. |
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Last edited by
Kellan Lucia on July 19th, 2010, 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Daylight again, following me to bed
I think about a hundred years ago, how my fathers bled
I think I see a valley, covered with bones in blue
All the brave soldiers that cannot get older been asking after you
Hear the past a calling, from Valterian's side
When everyone's talking and no one is listening, how can we decide?