[Malia's Scrapbook] The Final Curtain

[Malia]

Storytelling & Activity Here’s a ramble that concerns Mizahar and is meant for people to read and comment on. Seriously, I want to hear opinions. Let me know that I’m not alone in my own scrapbook thread! Of course, only after reading this, please. About a year ago I played at another RPG site and was a mod there too. You could only start at the lowest level as a mod there, so I was what Mizahar calls an AS. After a few months of moderating a cute little village surrounded by trees and magic phenomena, I realized that I enjoyed moderating less and less. I thought I needed a new environment to boost my creativity, so I changed locations and superiors and moderated under a different DS too. That didn’t give me the expected creativity boost. I had been unsure about the decision of moving before, but now I kind of knew that it wouldn’t help me. I had lost the drive that caused me to apply for the position. Moderating is voluntary and should be fun, but to me it wasn’t anymore. So I quit. And here I am, once again a moderator, only one stage “higher”. I don’t really want to look it up, but I’ve been moderating in Mizahar for about the same time span I’ve moderated earlier. Around that time, after eight or nine months or even earlier, I quit. Now I find myself in a similar situation and wonder if that has anything to do with the first time. Not that I have decided to retire as a mod, no. But I’m considering it as a possibility. A tiny voice in my head, however, says that I’m running away. Sometimes I feel like I’m too quick to run away if it’s not necessary to stay and fix it. Online RPGs are not necessary. They are voluntary. And being a DS is about the most voluntary position that involves duties and expectations ever. Anyway, I don’t know what the right decision to get me out of the current situation is. Well, what is the current situation? If you happen to have a PC in Mura, you know about my horrible delays lately. I haven’t felt any motivation lately. I enjoy posting for my PCs, at least I know that I enjoy playing Malia, but I don’t enjoy being a DS anymore. It’s only partially though … When I sit down and start writing a post, I usually enjoy the process and am even inspired enough to come up with plot twists and such. I don’t know what that means. It might be possible that I concentrate too much on the pressure and the negative sides of storytelling. I’ve done that before, but something has happened and I felt that I could do everything I liked again. Like it should be, completely voluntary and fun. This time nothing has happened so far … I can’t even remember when that started. I just feel that it has been there for a long time and that I don’t want it to continue. I don’t want to continue being such a bad moderator, because that’s not what Mura and its awesomely unique PCs deserve. I want to feel that I can live up to their expectations and, moreover, impress them and make them enjoy their PCs. I want to help with character development and make them a little bit more alive. I want to be able to give what Goss has given Malia through that single thread with Tanroa. I want to be as good a storyteller. But somehow I feel that I’m not improving, because I’m posting so slowly. Yes, I have considered quitting the storyteller job. And there’s another proof – I see it as a job I have to quit. Retiring is something else, at least when it comes to storytellers. It has a different meaning. I really don’t want to see it as a job. Maybe it’s the wrong approach. The law of attraction has taught me that focusing on what you don’t want will bring you more of what you don’t want. If you focus on what you want instead, you’ll get more of what you want. You always attract what you’re thinking of. Also, if you’re feeling bad that just means that you have forgotten what your core, your soul, your heart really wants. So considering that: What do I want to do with my storyteller position? I want to be a good storyteller. At the same time I don’t want to reply to threads anymore … until I start writing and enjoying the stories again. That’s the detail I don’t understand. But if I ignore that, there are two options: I can try to become a better storyteller by posting. But I have to forget that I don’t want to post in order to come closer to that goal. The other option is to give up storytelling and continue RPing with my PCs only. There’s a problem with this option, too, though. I’ve experienced it twice now – when I play an RPG, I automatically want to be a mod there too. I don’t know how that is. Perhaps I want to prove myself to others. Perhaps I associate moderator positions with respect and acceptance. That’s very possible. I’ve always been too dependent on other people’s opinions, although that’s something I’m working on. So I might long for being storyteller again as soon as I retire from it. I can’t know for sure, but I know that at the other RPG it’s been this way. I’m still playing it as a PC, but there are moments when I feel the desire to apply for a moderator position. I’m very careful. I try not to get too active with that PC so that I can dedicate more time to Mizahar. Anyway, I don’t really know what to do. To continue moderating and be a more successful storyteller, I might just have to forget what I don’t like about it and focus on the parts I enjoy. I feel that I can’t do that at the moment, but maybe it’s just something I have to ignore and overcome. At the moment I don’t want to ignore my problems though! Additionally … Lately I’ve discovered that I have so many thread ideas for Malia I want to write out, but I feel that I simply don’t have the time. Maybe that’s just an illusion my mind creates (“mind your storyteller job!” it’s saying), but I can’t be more active while being DS. I know that other people can. I can, too, if I get better at time management. I’m pretty sure that I am improving … I just think that it’s not enough. Something is still missing. I don’t get nearly as much done as I want to. So, in order to be more active with Malia, the only options apparently is to stop storytelling. Maybe I’m just confused. It’s been a long day and it’s a dark night outside. During some nights I just think weird thoughts. But I needed to get that off my chest. I’ve wanted to write that entry yesterday, actually, because I hope that voicing my thoughts and concerns and maybe getting some comments back might help me.

[Jilitse]

Wow, I never thought you felt this way already. But I'm being biased here, because I only get to see and work with the "Malia" part of you. I can't speak for your... boredom (can I call it that?) or lack of enthusiasm towards Mura. I wish I could say I understand.

Maybe you just need a shift in your pace or two? Draw inspiration from books, novels, movies, or other non-literary stuff, too? I never really figured out the line between being a mod and being a PC, but it sounds tough, the way you explained it. When I read your character of the month interview, I thought you were having a pretty darn time juggling you responsibility as Mura's DS and playing more than one PC. (I honestly didn't know you've "retired" Aselia) Maybe, it's just that time of the year where you need a pick me up.

*gives Malia a nuit hug*

I love RPing with Malia. She's more stone cold than I am (and that's a compliment to nuitness). And if you were able to pour that much inspiration and color and depth into her, I'm sure you can pour that much into Mura, too. You just need a big heart to push through with twice the needed effort.

[Malia]

Thanks for reading and commenting, Jil! *hugs the witch*

Yes, there are times when I'm pretty good at balancing mod and PC and then there are times when I don't want to mod, I just want to pour everything I have into my PCs! The thought of mod account retirement is new though.

Here are some sketches I did ... the one of Kamalia already is over six months old, but I've never had the will or the time to scan all of them. Well, here they are. I have sketched my own characters too, but I think I'll only post drawings of my own PCs when I've done something I'm satisfied with! But I know that I won't do anything else with these sketches, so here they are for the enjoyment of their players and everyone else. Nya Winters Suddenly the idea of Nya in this posture came to me. This is actually not a sketch, but a drawing with a ball pen. (I usually draw with ball pen instead of ink when it comes to manga-style works.) An Akvatari ... maybe Trista? The expression doesn't really look like Trista, I think, but the rest does! (And I can't draw butterfly wings without reference.) More Trista I just had to draw her painting, and it was an experiment with perspective. Didn't turn out too well though ... Lively Kamalia Timandre Would Kamalia act like that? I don't know, but I like it. This is the oldest, so please forgive my mistakes. >.<

[Trista]

I like Trista's face on those! ^_^

[Malia]

What Malia Is Up To I have a lot of cool stuff going on at the moment, so I thought I'd write a bit of a summary here so that I don't get confused by all that Malia stuff. I have a lot of plans and ideas for her. It'll be difficult to boost her Animation skill up so she can actually make an impact with that, but I'm looking forward to the challenge. She's in the middle of developing into a different character and I can feel it! Malia Subscription list: 8 threads Is getting a new body Returns to work at Welcome Home Potential allies: Stitch, Jilitse, Kamalia Practices Animation a lot! Researches about Drainira, Sagallius and other deities? Alice Subscription list: 2 (3) threads Jaeden's/Hh'elea's soap opera NPCs development Mura adventure plotting I don't need an AS, but additional creativity wouldn't be bad?

[Malia]

Multiple Characters And here is it again, the topic of multiple characters I like to talk about so much. On the one hand I love the process of character creation. It’s just awesome to research the races and cities and skills and read threads all over again just because I want my character to be authentic. These days it starts with the desire to create a new character because I’ve posted to all of my threads and am fed up with my existing characters for the moment. Then I start looking at the races, coming up with ideas and first concepts, and then I start opening a word document and going into detail. Sometimes it’s also something I read, a thread or a new character sheet or a beautiful writing style that attracts my attention. I feel like I’m copying other people all the time, honestly. Chat can also be very inspiring at times. I love the recent witty conversations and jokes Jilitse, GP and I are throwing around recently. I’m also very much interested in Avanthal and what kind of city it will develop into when people finally start churning out flashbacks and Cheshire posts the first locations. I’m sure the city will develop into an awesome place and popular RP playground. I’d love to be a part of it – and that’s my example of getting inspired by chat. There’s also the negative side, though. Even I am only human, no matter how fast and creative my posts come. It’s because I’m in the middle of summer holidays, and there’s nothing else to do except read books for the thesis I should finish in half a year. There’s still so much time! I really need to get going with that, though. Seriously. Anyway, the negative aspects are particularly unnerving when I reach the crossroads. There are only so many PCs I can play at the same time. I have too many awesome concepts I’d like to release into Mizahar. I don’t want to criticize the five-PC-limit here. I wouldn’t even manage to play five PCs at the same time, with all the character development and thought and creativity flowing into them. After all, I want them to be real characters, not just shadows of cool people I’ve seen somewhere else and copied so I can have more fun with my idols. This is just a simplified example! So, sooner or later I always have to either make a decision or force my attention to turn to something else, preventing me from creating that character. It should be okay this way. But how can I ignore all those awesome character concepts I have brewing in that particular folder? Player characters are different than novel characters, you know. Transferring them, throwing them into a different environment just for the purpose of not “wasting the effort put into the creation” would never work. I haven’t tried, but I just know it. Plus, I don’t intend to write a novel based on the Mizahar setting. So, where to go with the characters? Sooner or later I end up releasing one of them to the Mizahar boards. As a natural consequence I am forced to rearrange my schedule. How to gain time for the threads of the new PC? What does she want to do, which skills does she have to train in? I’ve recently discovered my passion for self-modding training threads. Sometimes they come with extensive research and quite a bit of logical thinking, so that takes some time away too. All this usually results in retirements. Threads get forgotten or pushed aside, a character gets rusty and I lose all interest in trying to revitalize them. When I manage to finish threads before moving them towards retirement, I do it either with bittersweet pleasure or unwillingly. When I don’t, people wonder where the player has gone and are sad because their plans get dropped. It’s the same with mods, with the difference that mods have a right to be pissed because it’s their duty to provide adventures. So what’s the point? I guess I should just have fun. I’m too sensitive a person to do that without feeling guilty from time to time, though. That’s the main reason why I have created, played and retired a few characters without the majority of the community knowing. I’ve told a few people and those are probably the most aware of my habit. Regardless, I can’t help but feel guilty when I discover that I can’t continue RPing this or that character because I’ve found a concept that’s even more exciting and itching to be played. That’s what I wanted to say with this entry. I’ve told to several people and asked for advice which hasn’t changed a single thing though. I love character creation and starting new characters in Mizahar. Maybe the fact how easy it is to get a character moving in Mizahar is a reason behind my frantic character switching. However, it isn’t the only reason and I blame nobody but myself. Anyway, the recent events have inspired me to create yet another character. I really like her. Her … Yes, I’ve thought about trying out male characters before, but they never seem to work. I like being and playing a girl! An interesting detail is that my characters never feel uninspired or cliché to me, although they probably are. The new character is of an extremely popular race and thus already somewhat cliché. Mizahar cliché, but nevertheless cliché. Apart from that, I absolutely love her concept because I think it’s something no other player has thought of yet. I want to be the first to try out this new idea. I want to make an impact on Mizahar. Maybe that’s why some characters failed. I figured they were too normal, lacked the drive to make a difference and have an impact. And that might have something to do with the focus I put on Malia recently. I love her and her storyline and what kind of character she becomes. But I’m repeating myself. You’ve heard enough of my affection for my oldest PC, right? Well, about the new character concept. I guess I’ll just jot down some past events in her life, find out if I still want to play her in a few days, talk a bit more to people and hopefully get some good advice (I kind of know what they’ll say, haha). And if she doesn’t get off my mind, I’ll give in to her call and release her. And retire another one or two character(s). That’s RP life, right?

[Malia]

I live in no man’s land. Okay, quick heads up for everyone. I’m currently not very active and have a good reason for it: internet shortage. You see, I live out in the farmlands where there is neither a telephone connection nor WLAN and everything I have is a cute little card to plug into my laptop and then I have like 8 GB of internet per month. I think it was 8 anyway. So, the problem is that someone (either me, by brother or both of us) has used the internet so excessively that there’s almost nothing left. The cycle ends at the 21st and then we’ll have new internet. But until then … I’ll stay offline. Additionally, I have a terrible headache that prevents me from doing anything useful. Bah. That was the rant for me.

[Malia]

Tarot the cards, not the founder Today I did myself something good. I bought a set of Tarot cards. I’ve already used it and I love it and the clarity in the answers it gives to my questions. Before I’ve used the I Ging, but Tarot is so much more clear and straightforward. The I Ging was about a lot of text interpretation. (Plus, I didn’t use it correctly.) Tarot is about interpretation too, but it confronts you with different aspects and a clear advice. At least that’s how I see it, and I’m just a beginner, after all. Something I’ve been interested in is my personality card. I’ve heard others speak about their cards here, but I don’t know if they meant this or if they just liked that card. You can calculate your personality card through your birth date. Following the instructions in my book, my card is the wheel of fortune! And I took photo! My version is a Rider Waite Tarot, and those cards are the major arcana.

[Stitch]

Is there a way you can do a reading for me? Exactly how do Tarot cards work? I am horribly unfamiliar. They look cool, though!

[Malia]

Indecisiveness and the stress resulting from it This nearly became an entry on a blog that I hadn’t used for two months and that most likely nobody ever reads. Halfway through writing the entry (in German), I realized it would be better to write my concern here where everyone who is connected to it one or the other way can read it and comment on it. It’s about storytelling again. Some of you might have noticed that I have started awarding xp to threads moderated by me, thus finishing them for me. I have also written up some more locations. There are only 4 left from the locations on the linkmap. I hope to write these up as well in a significant amount of time. Then I feel like I really have accomplished something. I also want to update my NPC library and wikify the last NPCs left that don’t belong to any location, but have only had short appearances in one or two threads. They are a part of Mura nevertheless, and as the stickler for detail I am, I won’t dump them into oblivion. So what will happen when I have crossed those tasks out? I informed some people of my following retirement as a DS. I felt that I put too much pressure on myself and wanted some air to breathe, if not a total retirement, then at least a break. I felt that I didn’t do enough for Mura and its players, although there are hardly any residents at the moment. Mura never was a city of much activity. As of lately I doubt the decision that, to be particular, has already been made. I get reminded of the things I love about being a storyteller. I love creating new locations with the potential for interesting plots and character development. I love adding to the individual story of a PC by playing with them. I love designing the city of Mura through words, pictures and layouts. I still love the game and every aspect of delving into the story and helping build the greater image of what is happening throughout Mizahar. I love how I can be a significant part in the development process of the world. And to be honest, I love being someone that is known and respected throughout the site for what they do for the community. Yes, I admit that I love getting some attention and admiration and little ‘kudos’ thingies and all that stuff. That is not the point, though. Although I love being a part of all this, I see myself being consumed by the pressure I put on myself. I see other assistant domain and domain storytellers, and of course the Founders, being creative and designing unique places and environments and adding breathtaking graphics and color. Their imagination knows no boundaries, and by putting their effort into their domain, they create a unique playground with the potential to create awesome PCs and stories. I can’t help and compare their work to mine – I guess everyone does that more or less and from time to time. In good times, I don’t let myself be influenced by it that much. In bad times, though, I feel like I’m not worthy of being a storyteller of such a beautiful city as Mura. It is almost like being in charge for the whole Konti race. Anyway, the bad times have been accumulating since I started volunteering as a DS. Additionally, it is a fact that I will have less free time than now and most likely also last year because it is my last year of school. I mean, after graduation from high school you’re done with “school” in my country. University and college is not considered as “school” anymore. I don’t see it as school either, because I will move out of home and be truly independent for the first time in my life. This is very important. But I digress. To sum it up, it’s a pretty important time in my life and I don’t want to mess my graduation up. Not that I would. I just know I will do it, because my grades have always been on the more positive side (except for math). What worries me is that I will have a lot of work to do nevertheless. I’ll write that thesis I currently try not to get frustrated over, have one subject less to graduate in and study in due time. I will even “practice” math to be sure I can be positive in the exam. But between all that, where is storytelling? I know that there are storytellers with less activity than me which is evident when you look at their post and word counts. I don’t mean to be insulting. I just look at them and think it is okay when I’m more active than they are. Considering activity, I’m very much qualified to be a storyteller. So what’s the problem? Or rather, where’s the problem? I know it’s in my head. I guess my own lack of self-confidence is the only reason why I have decided to retire as a DS. But now, rethinking everything, I feel like I’m giving up too easily. Isn’t there another solution? Maybe I should finish up the locations of Mura, write the few wiki articles left and move on to another city, like Jen did with Syliras and Wind Reach. Is that allowed to a storyteller? We’re not Founders who can move around the site freely with their moderating, after all. Or should I simply try to bring a different aspect into the city? I honestly feel that my options are quite limited because of the harmony and peace concept the Konti have. They don’t inflict pain because most of them can feel their opponent’s emotions. They don’t enslave either, for the same reason. They wouldn’t even steal things, although I tried the thief idea out in a thread that is now dead. I’m not even sure if the Konti would steal. The one who did it in the thread at least had a reason. Or maybe I should simply contemplate ways to make the peace and harmony concept more exciting and interesting? I could be the queen of hippies where every PC gets flowers and little presents and spiritual enlightenment in their threads instead of slavery and torture. Would that be a good concept? Oh, I kind of like this one. Being a spiritual storyteller. Would that be something cool for the players? After all, Mura is designed to be a girly city (quoting from Jen), so I could be a girly mod as well. Anyway, I currently don’t know what to do. I have announced that I will be done with cleaning up Mura stuff by the 13th, so there’s still some time left to reconsider. Maybe a break would be best, although I technically don’t need one. I’m not suffering from burn out or anything, after all. Burn out is only an illusion anyway. Last but not least, here’s a list of ways I could choose for my DS account. I like lists. They are a neat way to sum up the content of this lengthy entry. I hope people will at least read through this list and add their own ideas or offer advice. I could need some good advice now. Possibilities: Retire. If I do this, it will be for the coming school year or longer. Take a break for a month or so. It sounds neat because I could get a feel for how much work school is this year and contemplate about if I want to stay in Mura or not and what I want to do with it if I do. This option sounds kind of blah to me though. Stay in Mura and do something to improve my way of moderation. This is tied to experimenting with my writing style and how I come up with plots and inspiration. It would probably entail some major changes in the city’s atmosphere, and I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea as the current status quo has already been established. Leave Mura and look for another city. To be honest, that feels like running away. I would have a new opportunity to design a city from scratch though, and try new ways of moderation. The peace and harmony aspect of Mura would stop preventing me from doing evil plots (tm). That’s about it. In the process of thinking about this on the paper, I realized that I really like the hippie style. I kind of want to dress like a hippie in summer, but since summer is already over (or almost), I will most likely return to gothic style and blue, because it suits winter more. But I really like hippies, and also their way of life (although I don’t know much about it). Anyway, peace. I’d love to hear your opinion.