Interesting Times (Ulric)

[Ulric]

“Rules? Let me tell you a secret,” Ulric whispered, “there are… no… rules!” He clapped his hands and giggled with a manic intensity. He was itching to get his hands on all those delectable squires. Even the thought of their pudgy cheeks made his stomach rumble. Would the knights miss a few, or might they be forgotten in the bustle? Certainly the kitchens would be closed this time of night, which meant they’d need a key – or a burglar. “Know of any second-storey men?” Ulric slipped into Ravokian slang. “We’ll need a crack team to pull this one off, oh yes. Informants, cooks, thieves, cupbearers – the list goes on. Oh, and we’ll need spices. Lots of spices. I want tonight to be a magical night, m’lad.” He beamed and clapped Sam on the back. “Now then, where’s this Stormhooligan place?”

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

"That way, I think," he said, pointing toward the gate, but it was the one that led out of Syliras. He wasn't so good at navigating a city, especially at night, especially drunk. Give him the wilderness and a clear head... "Wait, are we joining the knights or are we eating them? I don't know if they'll taste good with armor and swords and such. Are you sure you aren't part Myrian? I've never met a Myrian before, I don't think. I thought you were from Ravok, though. Are Ravok and Taloba in cahoots with each other? Shyke, I had better get out of Syliras before they show up and eat everybody."

[Ulric]

Ulric shrugged and scratched at his stubbled chin. “Both, I should imagine. If we are the law we’re above the law, so that means we can do whatever the petch we want. So if people tell us ‘no’ all we have to do is stare them in the eye and say, ‘I am the law!’ Come on, Sam, say it with me. I am the law! I am the law! I am the law! Does that make you feel better?” “Tell you what,” Ulric continued, “if you see any Myrians, try to catch them off guard. So if they want to eat you, try eating them first. Fight fire with fire and water with oil, the saying goes. Now, is that the Keep up ahead?” he peered at the bulk of Windmount Stables.

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

"Oh, okay." He paused, gathered himself. "I. Am. The... LAW!" He quickly glanced to his mentor in derangement. "How was that? Did I frighten you?" Then he was on the lookout for Myrians, because he was going to go for the throat if he saw any. No way was he going to let them eat him first. It was a dog eat dog world, and he was wearing meat-flavored underpants. Wait, no. "This looks familiar," he said of the Stables.

[Ulric]

“Terrified,” Ulric admitted, and then, “you almost cooked my cabbage. But where was I?” He peered ahead. No, that wasn’t Stormhold. How could they be lost when the castle encompassed close to the entire petching city? “This is your fault,” Ulric told Sam. “I haven’t been here as long as you. I don’t – wait, was that a Konti?” he peered into the shadows. He thought he’d seen a pale woman in there. Now, if only I’d brought my hooks and fishing line…

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

"I smell horses," Sam announced in no uncertain terms, and he should know since he worked night and day with them. Unless, perhaps, his ability to smell horses and their accoutrements was eventually going to die out, overloaded after all of the years among them. He had never heard of that while living among his Drykas brethren, but perhaps he would ask Serena if she had ever heard of something like that. Come to think of it, Serena was... rather hot. Was the supposed Konti actually Sam's boss running around naked at night? He hoped so. Of course, Ulric would probably claim her. No matter. Sam would just terrify him with his LAW voice. Serena would never boff Ulric if he reeked of soiled trousers.

[Ulric]

“Horses?” Ulric paled. “It’s a trap! Man the battlements, Sam! Evacuate the children!” He glanced around, wide-eyed, and then charged down a shadowed lane. If only he could make it to the Grandmaster in time. In minutes the streets would probably be swarming with the demonic beasts, and then they’d all be petched. A basket-laden woman reared from the darkness and Ulric pushed her aside. “Barricades, we need barricades!” he bellowed. “Empty your houses, citizens – and do not delay. I am the LAW!” For some reason, the citizenry’s response to his pleas was confined to curses and threats. Ovek’s balls, Ulric realized with alarm, we’ve been infiltrated! “Man the catapults! Kill anybody with blonde eyes! Rally the militia!” Now escalated to full panic mode, Ulric grabbed frantically at Sam’s collar. How far had the contagion spread? Was his second-in-command a turncoat? And where in Cheva’s tits was the Grandmaster? A tightness came into Ulric’s belly that he knew to be more than a touch of the wind. He’d been sent out here to die! Oh, the traitors had played their cards to perfection. Any moment now the horses would come for him, and that would spell the end for Sir Ulric the Rabbit Rider. “Are you one of them?” he screamed into Sam’s face. “How long have they been paying you? How long!”

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

"I'm not...!" Sam flailed wildly. Ulric was, unfortunately, stronger than him. "We could... go to your place. Barricade ourselves in until help arrives. Mine is overrun with horses..." Why didn't Ulric realize that horses were not the enemy, that they would help them?! "Do you have supplies to withstand a siege?" He tried to shake some sense into the other man, but it was rather useless with Sam's wiry frame.

[Ulric]

“They’ve come for you, too?” Ulric’s face was grave. “Then we are alone in this sea of treachery, my friend. Dyres has abandoned us,” he hung his head. For some reason, he couldn’t remember what the man looked like – or even that he’d ever been a knight. Wait – who the hell am I? Ulric’s eyes widened with the knowledge that he didn’t have the faintest idea. “I need a drink,” he mumbled, "hold the horses."

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

"I don't even know what's happening anymore. I think I'm going to go to sleep. I probably have to work in the morning and I can already tell that I'm going to want to die." He sighed, as he had apparently sobered up enough to have a slight reality check. "Do you want me to get you to another alehouse before I go pass out?"