Solo Failure

[Sira]

What is my purpose,
or am I destined to fail?
My life is a testament to failure.
I failed as an Endal,
murdering those I am sworn to protect
and blaming it on my insanity.
I failed as a Wind Eagle,
failing to keep contained the god Ivak,
losing hundreds of lives in the process.
I failed as a mother,
earning the hatred of my child
and claiming it was all for her protection.
I failed my goddess,
there is no hope left in me nor courage to find it.
And worst of all I failed Aidara.
Over and over I failed her,
and now she is gone,
I cannot find her.
So what then is my purpose,
if not to fail?

[Sira]

Timestamp: 1st of Fall, 513 AV

Aidara was gone when Sira woke that morning, but the endal thought nothing of it. The healer was probably at the infirmary, or had even spent the night elsewhere. Both the women were known to play in the beds of others, and it was not uncommon for them to be gone for a day or two. Sira did not notice the next morning either, though by the second night she began to wonder where the healer was. After Aidara failed to return for the third night in a row, Sira began to grow concerned. Even so, it was not absolutely unheard of for Addy to go missing for that long.

"Natalie," she called to her daughter. "Have you seen Addy lately?"

Natalie was not on the best terms with Sira, but she too had noticed her second mother's absence. The young kelvic thought for a moment before shrugging her shoulders.

"Momma hasn't been around in a few days, I just figured she found someone better to spend her time with."

Sira frowned at her daughters response, but said nothing as Natalie turned and left the aerie. Since the duel with Aaron, she continuously shunned her mother. Sira didn't blame her, but she knew that Natalie wouldn't believe the truth either. There was nothing Sira could say that wouldn't hurt Natalie, and so Sira let her go. There was always time to figure that problem out later, and she switched her focus back to the missing healer.

[Sira]

On the fourth day Sira decided it was time to go search for Aidara. The healer wasn't responding to Sira's mental calls, and Sira could not even sense her mind anywhere nearby. Leaving Natalie to wait at home in case Aidara returned, Sira went to the one place she could usually trust to know where Addy was, the Infirmary.

"I don't know, Sira, I haven't seen her. She was supposed to be here yesterday but never showed.

Keah hadn't seen her, and neither had Miquel, and the news that Aidara missed a shift made Sira even more worried. Where might she be? Sira sought out Kovac next, Aidara had been spending a lot of time with him lately, but the handsome Avora had no idea where she was either. She called out to the eagles with her psychic voice, but nobody knew where Aidara was, and nobody had seen her go. Aidara was gone, without a trace.

Sira knew that if she was in Wind Reach, barring some sort of magical interference, she would be able to feel Aidara across their bond. She could always communicate with Addy mentally, no matter where in the mountain she was. That meant that Aidara had to be somewhere outside the city, not a good place for the healer to be with Fall starting and Winter on the way.

[Sira]

"Natalie, I still can't find Addy. I'm flying out to look for her, you stay here in case she comes back."

Sira was back in the aerie, packing a flight back with her weapons and some basic supplies. She didn't know how long she would be gone, but the kelvic had no intention of returning without Aidara. She could barely focus on what she was doing, however. Sira had never been so worried, never been so afraid. Even during the djed storm she had not been so afraid. At least that was a threat she could face, but Addy had vanished without a trace.

"Mom, I'm coming with you."

"Natalie, no, you need to-"

"No! You're not the only one that cares about her. It's not always about you, Mom. I'm going to help you look for her, and that's that."

The finality in the young Kelvic's voice kept Sira from offering any further protest. In the end, Sira supposed that two sets of eyes looking were better than one.

"Alright.. pack a bag. Let's go."

[Sira]

Natalie and Sira flew out. It wasn't the most pleasant flight, neither kelvic had a word to say to each other. When they did talk, it was only to say "go that way" or "look over there" but as far as conversation went, not a word was spoken. Natalie was only coming because she was concerned for Aidara and had nothing to say to Sira. Sira was too focused on searching for her lover to notice, and if she had she wouldn't have known what to say anyway.

The pair did not cover much ground that day, it was already late, and soon enough the sun began to set. For all their keen vision, at night they weren't much better than a human. Still they searched well into the dark before Sira finally decided to call it quits and nest for the night. Natalie slept in a tree, while Sira found an open spot on the ground to settle down in. Neither kelvic bothered to shift into human form, that would mean they'd have to waste time in the morning reattaching Sira's gear. The night passed in silence, and the next morning they were both in the air with the rising sun.

Sira was hungry, but she did not want to waste time hunting game when she was too busy searching for Aidara. It wasn't until she noticed Natalie falling behind that she realized the little kelvic probably needed to eat. She had brought supplies, but not food. She was a wind eagle, she could find food easily enough. The hunt distracted her from the search, but soon enough she spotted a few deer down below.

Sira dove and it only took a moment for Natalie to realize why and dive after her. The deer were easy prey, grazing in an open field, too far from the treeline to escape. Sira and Natalie both slammed into their prey and had their fill. They ate in silence, and when they were done they flew away in silence, resuming their search. Sira hated that she had to eat, she hated that it would delay her search even a few chimes, but for all they tried darkness fell again and still they had not found Aidara.

[Sira]

Timestamp: 20th of Fall, 513 AV

For two days they hunkered beneath the shadow of a cliff, the only protection they could find when the cold snap came in from the Northeast. Natalie overcame her anger enough to seek comfort beneath the warm plumage of Sira's body. Neither dared shift to human form, not even long enough to make a fire. They had no clothing, and their feathers were the only protection they had from the cold. When it finally began to warm up a little they were finally able to move again. Sira shifted into her human form so that she could check the gear she brought with them, and Natalie did the same. Half a bell later they were just about to fly away again...

"It's your fault, Mom."

"What?"

Sira turned her golden eyes on her daughter, confusion evident on her face.

"What are you talking about?"

"It's your fault she's gone."

"Natalie, it's-

"No. You need to shut up and listen. It's your fault Momma ran away. No wonder she didn't tell anybody, she knew you'd come after her. She couldn't even tell me! But you drove her away, you did!"

Sira was speechless. Such a thought had never occurred to her, and it didn't sound right. What was Natalie talking about?

"Why do you think she spent so much time away? Why do you think she was always hanging around Kovac? Because he made her feel special! You.. with your killing, and your.. killing. It's always killing with you mom! Hunting, those people at the Inclement Weather, Aaron."

"Natalie, I.."

"NO! You shut up! Don't even try to defend yourself! You're a killer.. and so am I! I'm just like you, and Momma left us! She's gentle, she heals people. I tried to be good.. I tried not to be a hunter, not to be like you. But I am, I am like you. But at least I tried, and Momma saw that. She knew I wanted to be good, but you... you don't even try. You don't see how much it hurts her every time you bring home a kill. Every time you go crazy and hurt somebody. She couldn't take it anymore. Why else would she leave? It's all your fault!"

"Nat," Sira stammered, completely caught off guard by the onslaught. She took a hesitant step toward her daughter, reaching out with her hand. "Natalie, I never meant to."

"No! You stay away! You stay away from me! Don't touch me! Don't talk to me, don't even look at me! I'm leaving, I'm going home. I'm not helping you look for her anymore! Momma wanted to get away from you and she did, and I'm not going to help YOU find her."

Before Sira could say or do anything else Natalie shifted in a flash of smoke and flame. The little bird, who was progressively getting smaller as the effects of the djed storm that made her massive wore off, flew away. Sira just stood there, completely stunned. Could what she said be true? Was it really her fault? As waves of guilt began to crash over her, the endal slumped to her knees. Was it really her fault? Tears began to stream down her face and she curled into a fetal position.

"Is it.. is it really my fault?"

[Sira]

It was several bells before Sira moved again, struggling with the realization that what Natalie said was actually true. Sira knew they'd been having problems for some time.. but she never thought it could be so bad. And yet.. Aidara was gone. She left without a trace. If she had been in trouble, a simple thought would have been enough to call Sira to her rescue. No, the only way she could be gone so completely was if she chose to leave. And realizing that, realizing the truth in it.. that hurt more than anything Sira could bear.

The kelvic remained in place, tears streaming from her eyes until she had none left. She had hoped she could find Addy.. but Natalie was right. Addy was gone, and it was all Sira's fault. She'd never find her. There was no hope. Sira stared down at the glowing vortex in her hand, wishing that she could just cut it off. The vortex that symbolized hope, but where was hope now?

Bells passed before Sira finally rose to her feet, still shaking for the exertion of crying for so long. Animal instinct kicked in. It was getting dark and she needed to find a safe place to spend the night. Sira shift and took to the sky, looking for a suitable place to nest for the night. She stayed out in the Unforgiving for several more days, afraid to return home. It was easy for a kelvic. They were built for it. In moments when all hope was lost she could always rely on her instincts to keep her alive. Even when she wanted nothing more than to curl up and die, the eagle inside her screamed no.

[Sira]

When Sira finally returned home there was one more heartache to be had. She did not expect Natalie to rush in and greet her when she landed, and she knew Addy wasn't there, but she at least expected Natalie to be somewhere in the aerie, but the young kelvic was gone. Sira might have thought she was out with friends, or performing her bendi tasks. They would have been good assumptions, and Sira would have been content with that at least, but there was a note pinned to the door of the aerie.

Sira was not the most literate person in Wind Reach, and she was even more surprised that her daughter could already read and write, but she was able to understand the hastily written not well enough.

Mom,

I can't be around you anymore. You killed Aaron, and you drove away Momma, the woman you are supposed to love. You killed all those people, and I don't know how she ever forgave you. I can't be around you. I don't know what's wrong with you, but I have to get away before I become you. I'll be gone by the time you read this. I'm going to find Sai. I know where she was after the djed storm, hopefully she'll still be in the area. You wont see me again. Goodbye.

~Natalie

When she was done the note fell from her grasp, quickly caught by the breeze and blown out of the aerie. Sira stood there for some time, unable to process everything that had happened to her in such a short time. Aidara was gone. Natalie was gone. Sira was alone, an eagle without a rider, a kelvic without a bondmate, a mother without a daughter, and a lover without her love.

Eventually Sira went inside. She could shed no more tears, she'd already drained herself dry. Sira tried to sleep, but found no rest in her bed. When morning finally did come she gathered her gear and flew out, joining in on the daily hunt. Sira spent the rest of the season devoting herself to her work, giving herself no free time to spare. When she absolutely had to come home to rest she did so in the beds of strangers, not wanting to go home. She became an empty shell of a kelvic, operating purely because she had to. Eventually she found some tiny measure of peace in the day to day work, knowing that even if she had failed Aidara and her daughter, the city still needed her. She did not have to fail Wind Reach. Sira had to think that way to survive, and so that is what she did.

~End

[Harrier]

Skills	Amount
Investigation	3
Wilderness Survival	1

Lore

Searching for Aidara

Waiting out the cold in bird form

Natalie: Blame for Addy leaving

Natalie's note

Abandoned by your family

Survival after grief

Bonus: An empty Home

Additional Comments: Such a sad conclusion to a great story

(c) abstract