[Ricky] The Sincere Oddities of A Writer

[Ricky Maze]

The First Step

Okay before I go on revealing this, I wrote this as a note elsewhere so its basically just been copied and pasted for you all to read. There's actually several more I have to share too, and I figured I'd reveal the time and date these were written in turn as well. If I happen to pick up on writing more of these, then I'll see if I can't regularly write them like once ever week or something. Depends on if anybody has any positive feedback or whatever to provide.

At any rate, the first one to share is called The First Step and was written June 5, 2014. It was the start of something I wasn't sure about continuing for very long.

So I figured it has been long overdo that I start writing my own little notes here, being a writer that should've been something I did from the start but alas never took the time in doing... for multiple reasons. At any rate consider this the first step in a long, probably never ending idea/trend thing I'm doing.


So... here it goes.


The idea behind this is to basically find a deeper in-depth sort of sense of myself, because somewhere down the line I once knew who I wanted to be. I'll admit more often than not I believed I had an idea, before too long ended up losing it because circumstances dictated another thing to happen. That's basically how you dictate those "story of my life" details though. For me I doubt I could actually indulge in those, I find myself far to boring and secretive to share everything.


Then again self discovery was never done by being so secretive was it? Many have found out more things about themselves just by practically going out the way in doing things, sharing things freely with no regard towards the circumstances. Yet why can't I? No matter how hard I look inside me I find only questions, questions that want answers. Deep down I find myself only conflicted because of my past experiences, I've had a bit of a rocky past as my experiences were brought on by my own misconceptions. Laymens terms I made a lot of choices that I'm not proud of, and hold regrets in them to this day. I try not to dwell on them but because I hold regret in them, I find myself occasionally locked in the past rather than the present. In turn I worry and dream for a better future, and falter from the course before I even make the first step. Confidence was never my strong suit, I've always held insecurities about myself. Things I normally shrugged off and never worried about, never really took the time to consider when it mattered most. Now because of that I'm merely a simpleton who lost the individuality he once strove for, yet the passion do achieve it still remains.


Who I am isn't a clear idea anymore but I know it's what I do that helps me decide along the way, in turn I can't help but only want to achieve things on a larger scale. Truly I find passion in many things but not a sense of purpose in them, at least not in but the one thing I could always want with no end. Fatherhood. I see how friends become parents, I see the changes in them and in turn I wish I could feel that change, feel that incredible feeling every father has. That's just the main thing I wish for, but as far as who I am... I've yet to define myself. The individuality is there but subtle, I've to strive to find the confidence, find the voice I need to change things. I've already started seeing as how I've held onto a job this long, a job I actually enjoy deep down, rather than hate with a passion.


So what is the first step? How do you find the confidence in yourself? Get past the insecurities? I find it easier with friends, those who are honest and sincere. Those who are capable of staying loyal and true, helping influence you in the ways that remain positive and not for their benefit... but for your own. You what, thinking back on this note it looks more like a blog, but its become one of those "I no longer give a shit" things to where I'm expressing what comes to mind. I'm dwelling on something that has a deeper meaning to me, and in turn those who can read and find that meaning hopefully understand.


I dunno. I've always been odd in the head at best, at any rate I've rambled all the same and think I'm off to a good start. At best I'll have to think more on the next subject to go on about, and in turn dig a little deeper in finding that self image I'm looking for.


So this is me signing off,

The Story Teller on the Road of Self Discovery.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

Internal Locks

I felt like sharing this one a bit sooner and came to think to myself, after rereading it, that I am in fact way to closed up about things. I may go on about wanting to do this or that and wanting to find ways to be inventive and express myself, but thinking about it I just say that kind of stuff because I want to do it... yet don't. Its like I try to motivate myself to do something but then the motivation just goes away before I do it, and when I find the motivation to actually do it I just freeze up and think it better not to. Why? Because I'm afraid I guess. We're all afraid of something of course, for me I find fear in the idea of regret. I worry I may do things or say things that I regret later on, half the time I don't even notice I've said something without thinking until its too late. Thinking about it we all project an image, an outlook based on what we want everyone around us to see.

I can only wonder what it is everyone sees me as now, because deep down I feel afraid of it all. Its not the truth that scares me, but the immensity it may carry. I prefer the truth to be honest, it helps in the long run after all. Honestly what I want everyone to see in me, see me as, is a person who can that friend you always need. I've always been someone who pleases others in person, yet I learned tonight that for some reason I seem less like that on Miza. Which is true, half the time I automatically become self absorbed in the plans and ideas that I've been so focused on, I forget that there are others who would like to be a part of something. The other half when I do keep this in mind though I... I dunno. There's just something about me that worries something could go wrong, that the effort in doing it may be in vain or later regretted because of something unintentional along the way.

Pretty much to wrap up this rant and get into the main point of the post, I keep to myself more than I should. If I want to show everyone that I'm the kind of person that you can always go to, always count on to be enthusiastic and positive about something, and expect to have some form of fun with; then I have to take into account another whole perspective and look at things differently. I want to do things without fear of repercussions, I want to show everyone this.

June 14, 2014

Deep down I feel troubled among other things, enough to finally convince myself that writing it out would serve better, rather than keeping it bottled in like I always tend to do. I'm always so private and secretive when it comes to internal affairs and the like, mainly because it makes me feel better knowing that nobody really knows what's on my mind.

Here lately though my motivation for everything has been low, going to work and coming home to do any usual activity hasn't led to the usual satisfaction, hell even thinking about the fact that I made it through the day doesn't seem to help any. Honestly I think I'm in that same spot again, that feeling where you can't help but think you're stuck in one place and can never seem to move forward. It happens an awful lot and comes and goes as it chooses, except this time I literally do feel stuck. Trapped. Caught in a place that leaves me with only so little time to myself, which in turn leads me to feel less like me in the end.

Point of this note? Guess its the next step in opening up, although I admit I'll have to find a lot more worth sharing if these notes are to come. Deep down I just wish there was an escape from all this, a way to change the things that make reality less glum. People do it all the time and successfully pull it off, so why is it I find it so damn difficult to do the same? Who knows. Maybe when the moment comes where all these inner thoughts come crashing down, I'll move on to a different pattern rather than the same usual one I fall into.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

Fighting with Myself

Figured that was fitting title to start with. Anyways here lately after working seven days in a row, having two days off to spend with my cousin, and then another work day to follow I've finally found time for Miza. Plain and simple that whole work week was just bad for my motivation to write, and its still a bit difficult to push myself back into that mindset after so much work. Though that just sounds like me making up excuses now doesn't it? Anyways the point is that whole week I had been spent dealing with situations that really drove me insane, enough to where I wanted to just quit work and give up on everything. Now I know we have bad days and then we have bad weeks, clearly it was both in this case, but for me it gets a little more complicated. I deal with anxiety quite a bit and deep down I tend to be introverted, which is weird because I tend to come across as very extroverted at times.

So what exactly is the problem? Insecurity. I deal with it everyday because of regrets and mistakes I made growing up, things I did I still feel bad for off and on even after I feel like I have gotten over them. This week just sort of brought that bit out of me as I started to feel insecure about my work performance at first, then it developed to the point where I felt insecure about my life, and then finally just me in general. For me its that little voice inside your head that consistently beats you down, tells you you'll never be good enough or never have it in you. Its that voice that demotivates you to the breaking point where you just want to give up on everything, and it seriously drove me mad enough to where I wanted to just quit. Quit without a means for a second job to follow, and not even care if I can't afford to help pay the house bills. Yes I struggled with it and I got over it, but I know that its going to happen again. There's always those times where it is just too convincing to listen, and half the time I feel like I really am fighting with myself. Some cases I win and remain motivated and optimistic, more often than not it ends in a stalemate and I tend to distance myself from people and ventilate the stress in some form of an escapism.

I try to think about the more better things and avoid this kind of stuff as a topic, but seeing as how writing isn't coming as easily as it should I thought maybe sharing this would help restore some motivation in me. And in a sense it does, I already feel better about it now that its been written. Why? Because someone can read it and understand, maybe even relate to the pressure that I felt this entire past week. I'm sure plenty of people can in fact, and thinking that there are those who can understand this helps make it easier. I don't look to make a pity fest for myself which is why subjects like this are often avoided, but the fact is writing this stuff out is good for the mind.

Now I'm just rambling on by the looks of it, rereading that last paragraph. So I'll just cut myself off from there, and resume the daily habits I try to keep on Miza. If you've read all that and not managed to yawn, I applaud you for making it through the boredom this post may entail. Back to writing for me.

~Zach~

[Redd]

Heya Rick,

Well all have those days, in fact, before I moved to the new house and found myself trying to find work, I myself was constantly struggling with myself and my previous work. Insecurity was one of those problems and so I used to push myself to the point where I was getting very sick. I feel a little insecure about my grading on Miz, but I try to not let that stop me, because I hope that if there is a mistake, a player will notify me so then I can correct it.

Don't worry Ricky, you aren't alone in your problems with such issues and the thing is, is that if you do make a mistake, at all, you can just simply learn from it and move on. That's what life is all about, to make mistakes and to learn from them. Remember, what doesn't kill ya, only makes you stronger. Ok, yes those are lyrics from a song, but they are most definitely true! I've had plenty of hardships in my life and I still going through them, but at the end of the day, you just need to find a place that makes you happy, a place where you feel that you can be you. For me? I find that logging onto Miz, or getting on my game consoles to kill a few zombies or kick some annoying player's ass helps me. I will even occasionally turn up the music to the radio and just randomly dance around the flat to makes myself feel better.

Finding an outlet is good, really good and you will most definitely find that you will feel better afterwards. You said so yourself, "I try to think about the more better things and avoid this kind of stuff as a topic, but seeing as how writing isn't coming as easily as it should I thought maybe sharing this would help restore some motivation in me. And in a sense it does, I already feel better about it now that its been written. Why? Because someone can read it and understand, maybe even relate to the pressure that I felt this entire past week." So if writing about it here makes you feel just that little bit better, then I think that you did a good thing writing about it. Do what you feel is right for you and don't let other people get you down. Sometimes it's not always easy to just shrug them off, I know, but just know that everyone here on Miz really enjoys having you around.

Anyway, before I go on and on and on, like I'm prone to do, I just want to say this. I have read quite a few of your threads in my spare time and you put a lot of effort into them, it's inspiring really. However, getting off point, I know that if you put that much effort into Miz, then you probably do the same at work. And if that little voice in your head keeps telling you that it's not good enough, do what I did, set it on fire and watch it run around screaming like a little girl. Lol. Also, if you're into reading books, a good one is called 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. A great read, very spiritual, but still a great read. The tips within has helped me on numerous times to get through some of my dark days.

I hope that you feel much better and to see you around, your smiling face is always a welcomed site in chat. ^.^

[Ricky Maze]

Vlogging

Okay... so this has been way overdo and for good reason to, as I've mentioned in the video that I've had some issues trying to get youtube to work with me. As of right now only my phone is the decent means of making these Vlogs, and given the amount of time it takes to upload I definitely plan to invest in a laptop first. This was done over 12 hours ago by the way.



~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

Season Change

So I decided to rant on about this and about how I'm feeling with season change in general. I know there's going to be some exciting stuff to build towards in terms of plots, since I won't be focusing on launching one but rather developing several for each pc. I figured with the way I tried to get things going, I wound up way to focused on my main pc and my two alts suffered for that. Now before you go thinking that I'm gonna complain, I'm gonna flat out and say there is no complaints other than I shouldn't have procrastinated or waited on a couple of things. There really isn't much excuse as to why the other two fell behind as I was by far way to focused on one major thing, which was getting my main pc back home.

Anyways. Season change is right around the corner and while I know I have a lot of ground to cover, still, I think I managed to cover what was needed before the transition in the past few days. The CS's are looking almost up to date and definitely more organized in their development, so I'll try to resume putting the templates I started in that thread for others to use hopefully soon. That said I'm also gonna have to focus on cleaning out any old threads, which means nudging some people about a thread if its still been recently active. Then of course filling in placeholders is also a priority, just wrapping up and cleaning out older threads, as that's a constant and ongoing thing I seem to be doing every season. Then of course there's the hardest, because it'll be the longest, task to handle which involves the plotnotes. They're heavily outdated and my alts have yet to have their own plotnotes revamped, so instead of having any huge plots launched next season I'm going to keep it simple.

So what's gonna happen IC next season? Ricky gets to enjoy a normal life for once, though its not gonna be completely uneventful as he'll learn that he's expecting another child. Only this time he's actually there in the beginning, and the whole process of it isn't as "Oh happy days" as it sounds. That and raising Martin, since he'll be a year old next season, as he learns to walk finally and starts talking. That's the only significant stuff that happens for Ricky, as the real drama and the like won't be starting until winter.... possible spring depending on how next season goes. I say that because Zeltiva has an officially new AS again, and that means Ricky might have to help the city from some (Gods forbid) chaotic event like he did with the breakout. I love it when events like that happen because it gets everyone involved, and creates an awesome story for the city to be a part of. All the same, I'm taking a step back with him and seeing how things develop as his future plots are looked into.

My alts now, they're the ones I'll be focusing more on this season. I intend to get them going with their same plot, just in a better direction. Artur will now have his kid so that'll get him started on a good path, trying and failing with learning how to be a parent and all. And of course hopefully some other things will develop along the way that may lead him to grow more, maybe even change some as he won't be as naive as he is now. Then of course Toan, who hasn't had much luck at all, is finally gonna get kicked off with some training. First though I'm going to send him to a more active environment, and in doing so find more opportunities to develop his skills so he can ambitiously chase that awesome aspiration he's after.

So they sound pretty simple, good starting points to lead with until something else comes along. I know I've started to look more into Ricky and Toan's history a bit, Toan's specifically as he hardly has anything, and plan to develop that so I can tackle some plots that would occur in flashbacks. Doubtful it all happen in one season... but all the same I'm ready to try and see what unfolds.

Regrettably though I've to work tomorrow, and that leaves me with only a few hours left until season change finally arrives here. Speaking of work I still enjoy it but only on most days, my department manager tends to be a snob to me half the time when I do something that gets on her nerves. She definitely has a way of getting that voice inside my head to start talking, that same voice that I talked about in an earlier post on this page really. That and of course every one has their general good or bad days, which leads me to wanting to share this with everyone. I found this on facebook where somebody made it a video about work, saying that at work they're sometimes like this. I'm sure everybody knows what the song is, as its a parody no less, upon seeing the video but I just can't help myself. Because everytime I start to feel like I'm having a bad day or just get tired of work, this song goes right through my head.



So all laughing matter and foul language aside, I found it pretty relaxing to share all of this. Makes me look forward to the next season even more, now that I think on what's to come.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

It's the rEvolution!

So, you're probably wondering why I spelled revolution like that. Well its simple really, but instead of just giving the answer right away, I'm going to ramble about how it came to be that I wrote it like that. See I started to come down with something last Wednesday but assumed it to be allergies, since its fall and usually my sinus's are by far NOT my biggest fan around this time of the year. So yeah, I wound up getting sick after that, a couple days later during work I actually did start coming down sick with something, and had to go home early. No biggie for me seeing as how this week has pay day and it should be enough to cover the bills, though that just means I have to make sure NOT to get sick again or have any other unexpected reasons to call in and miss work.

So anyways I'm sitting at home feeling like "Bleeeeeeeh" half the time while the whole experience allows me more free time to actually get some things done on Miza. Turns out I've come to decide a few good choices to make and they're paying off well, Ricky's almost caught up completely while Artur is still a work in progress, but I don't have to worry about focusing on everything for him anymore because alternatively... I have decided to remove him from the picture. This was decided before me being sick, its just the extra part where I don't have to focus on things like his plotnotes anymore is a very big relief as of now. That and Toan is going to remain inactive for a while, until I finally finish Artur's story and manage to part with him. I know it sounds terrible but in all honesty, and its a pretty good explanation too, he just doesn't have any real motivating qualities to him. For me he's always been that character that only sits in the background, supporting those in the spotlight mostly. Hence keeping up with him only got harder when I tried to think of something good to change that, thus I came to the decision that its probably best to let him go for good somehow. I don't know what to expect of course, but that's obviously irrelevant to the fact everything else is finally starting to come along.

As I was saying, Toan will be resumed after Artur is finished and getting his stuff caught up and going won't be as hard. Granted it may be a bit until then, but I don't think I'll have any problems with him once I've finally the ability to split time between Ricky and him. Ricky's plots are coming along together nicely too, I've gotten three or four in the works and two are practically one step away from being approved. I say this because the details have been given a green flag, so once the extra needed stuff has been finished and the plots are finalized I can kick them off when their time finally comes. Ricky's plotnotes is also coming along great, as I've done a "Plotnotes Core 2.0" revamp that's really kicked off well. That in turn has led me to do a bit more changing around to the personal files dedicated to the Character Core, and that's exactly where the title to this post comes in. Its basically the revolution of a basic system that was developed a year ago, and the evolution of a very thoroughly organized idea built from the collaboration of smaller ideas to create the unique system that I've managed to piece together.

Am I the first to do this? I highly doubt it. I know somewhere out there others have probably used something like this, probably similar probably different. It could even be a better version of my own for all I care, but as far as I know this Character Core system has really turned into a vivid success when it comes to organizing all things related to my characters. I've been intending to do a Vlog on it actually and show everyone just what is this whole thing composed of, and though I've yet to take the chance to find a way to do so I'm kinda glad I did. As elaborate as the set up is or now was the new changes are really breaking it down into more thorough, sorted, and extensive files that literally make keeping track of everything so much easier. So while I'm feeling sick and coughing up a lung because my sinus's still hate me, I'm feeling pretty great about how thorough this development is getting. Soon Mizahar, soon, you shall have a proper Vlog dedicated to the Character Core yet.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

Contemplation

Its very late and I should be asleep, but I can't stop thinking and thus my phone is in reach. So this'll be a short but deeply reflective post

Sometimes, I think about how big the world truly is, and how small we really are. And for some reason it makes me wish to go out, do something to impact everyone I meet in the greatest way I can. I want this, but I know I can't.

Maybe that's why, I feel so insignificant sometimes. I think more about this and I can't help but realize, I want to do things with a meaning behind them. Deep down I really want it to mean something to others, when truthfully it should mean more to me instead.

Why can't I do this? Probably because obligation and responsibilities pin me down, keep me tied in place even when I've not really gone out on my own. It isn't hard to deal with but hard to accept, people simplify things and they feel better that way. It bothers me that this is so, because I don't want to be simple nor accept a reality where simplicity is a living.

I enjoy the things I do everyday sure, but maybe I don't do enough. Maybe I dream too much, or even imagine to big with hopes of an escape. Maybe I'm troubled, or maybe I just don't have what I need to go that extra mile. I'm missing something, or I haven't yet found it.

Either way, my mind doesn't know when to shut up.

~Zach~

[Amrita]

So... I forgot how I got here to your scrapbook But reading that last post compelled me to send you something a friend sent to me, when I felt the same way you were feeling:

"At night I walked along the shore where so many spend the day gathering shells for their collections.  A woman walked among the starfishes that waves and tide had stranded on the beach, picking up each tenderly and casting it out to sea.  I haled her and asked, 'With so many millions left dying along these sands night after night after night, what difference can you possibly make?'  She gathered up another and arched it high over the water.  'I made a difference for that one.'  Silently I sought and picked up a still-living star, spinning it far out into the waves."

--adapted from The Star Thrower by Loren Eiseley (1907-1977)

Simplicity can be significant It took me a while to realize that.

[Ricky Maze]

I actually had to reread my previous post and recollect what was crossing my mind at the time I wrote that honestly, half the time when I post things like that in here its out of the blue since I can't get my mind to settle down sometimes. Thinking about it though there is the fact that the simplest of things has a significance, really it just depends on how you look at it is all. I mean right now I know that while I may not have much in life and things seem simple, I still have those that I've met and stuck with that consider me enough. While I may have higher expectations for myself, the only thing they expect me out of me is just to be happy and be myself.

Reading your post with the little quote about the starfish I giggled a little, it was heartwarming and reassuring to read. At first I think I gained a bit of perspective about it as you can read about my mini rant above. I'm sure later on though I'll probably collect more on it and realize that there are actually several different meanings that can be taken from the context, although I must admit I rather love reading that little quote over and over again. Really I just have periods where I feel badly about myself, and finally give up with putting a front about looking strong and confident. Often I feel really down because I let insecurity get the better of me and I just hide it all the time, so others don't really know that I'm internally bothered by my own demons when the breakdown finally comes. Its not the healthiest way to live but its one of the few ways I know in dealing with it, confidence boosting hasn't been one of my strong suits unfortunately.

~Zach~