Adelaide was not sure why the fact that apparently "others" sharing her concern troubled her so much. She hated it. Hated the fact that, in the end, she was no different to anyone else. Perhaps surprisingly, it was not a question of being superior to them... it had never been a question of superiority. Simply, she wanted to be different, to be "abnormal" as he put it, to be above the concerns of others, to be above caring what others thought of her and above caring whether she lived or died. It was the hunt for the thing which brought ultimate happiness: indifference and an acceptance of that indifference. Somewhere, somehow, it was lying within her. Eventually, she'd be able to tap into it.
It was then, however, for the first time that she was hit with a tinge of doubt as to Tydus being completely genuine in his concern. It was the sad smile that did it for her. A woman who spent so much time surrounded by actors - people who pretended to be something other than they truly were for a living - was more able than most to spot when people were feigning. Could he be? It was a thought that left her mind almost as soon as she thought it. Obviously, she was being uncharitable and paranoid again.
"The sea is beautiful."
She smiled and made a grab for Tydus's hand in a burst of rum-induced compassion, her dark eyes sparkling.
"But I am sure you'll see it again. I have to admit I envy you. When I was an adolescent, I always dreamt of sailing the sea. Though, perhaps, not as you Svefra do it. As a child, I wanted company. Friends for want of a better word. From the age of about fourteen, all I wanted was solitude. And the sea always looked so calm and so powerful. I imagined that nobody would ever find me and I imagined that it would be quick and beautiful to drown in its waters, a moment of adrenaline where the sheer power of the sea pulses through you like a shockwave."
The young woman shook her head and laughed.
"Goodness. I was so full of angst. Looking back, it was pretty pathetic. But, in a way, I think I still believe it. That sailing on an empty sea with nothing but your thoughts must be an adrenaline rush, even with the prospect of imminent doom, that could drive somebody to tears. Of joy and sadness and everything in between. And the ultimate joy - melancholy. People never understand when I say this, but melancholy is the greatest emotion one can experience, in my experience. It's a mixture between sadness and happiness, and then you add a heap of past memories and a whole lot of fear and hope for the future. What could be more human? What could be more beautiful?"
And just as suddenly as she had decided that Tydus was above pretence, above suspicion, she was struck by an idea that he shouldn't go back to Riverfall if he disliked it so much. Two emotions seemed to clash in her mind, giving her a mild headache like bees buzzing around in a small, enclosed space. Her head was telling her that she needed to be considerate, to try and console him and be nice with him but her heart wasn't in it. What she really wanted to do was tell him to pull himself together. For a few ticks, the words stuck in her throat and she merely smiled weakly but, as there was what felt like a whole chime of silence, they burst out.
"But if you don't like Riverfall, then why do you stay there? Are you that scared of change? You know, it might not mean much coming from me, but I don't think you have the right to complain when you're not being pro-active. Take charge of your life and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I certainly can't feel sorry for you. After all, unless you're hiding some sort of dark secret from the world, you're far from unemployable. You'd find a job just as easily here, in Kenash (which you claim to like) as in Riverfall. So why don't you? I think that, behind the swaggering and the air of confidence, you're afraid. There's nothing wrong with being afraid but there is something wrong with not respecting yourself and, in my eyes, a man not willing to take charge of his fate doesn't respect himself. It makes it difficult for others to respect you. Do forgive me if I am wrong to dub you weak, in a manner of speaking, but it turns out that you're just as pathetic as everyone else."
Her eyes had got brighter and fiercer as she spoke, more fierce than she actually felt and, as she finished speaking, she regretted her outburst... everything she had said could be as applicable to herself as to Tydus. The young woman felt that she'd been a little harsh and let her voice soften, becoming more gentle. With a smile, she drew closer to the man so that he'd know by her body language that she was sorry. After all, a dynast would never actually apologise to a freeborn except if they had truly done something very wrong and she hadn't. Adelaide changed the subject, hoping that he wouldn't be so offended that he stopped talking to her. She rather liked the company of the handsome, if formulaic, Svefra and was curious about him.
"Oh, let's not talk about this. All this is too much for me today. It's been a long day. What do you like to do for fun? Or to relax?"
It was then, however, for the first time that she was hit with a tinge of doubt as to Tydus being completely genuine in his concern. It was the sad smile that did it for her. A woman who spent so much time surrounded by actors - people who pretended to be something other than they truly were for a living - was more able than most to spot when people were feigning. Could he be? It was a thought that left her mind almost as soon as she thought it. Obviously, she was being uncharitable and paranoid again.
"The sea is beautiful."
She smiled and made a grab for Tydus's hand in a burst of rum-induced compassion, her dark eyes sparkling.
"But I am sure you'll see it again. I have to admit I envy you. When I was an adolescent, I always dreamt of sailing the sea. Though, perhaps, not as you Svefra do it. As a child, I wanted company. Friends for want of a better word. From the age of about fourteen, all I wanted was solitude. And the sea always looked so calm and so powerful. I imagined that nobody would ever find me and I imagined that it would be quick and beautiful to drown in its waters, a moment of adrenaline where the sheer power of the sea pulses through you like a shockwave."
The young woman shook her head and laughed.
"Goodness. I was so full of angst. Looking back, it was pretty pathetic. But, in a way, I think I still believe it. That sailing on an empty sea with nothing but your thoughts must be an adrenaline rush, even with the prospect of imminent doom, that could drive somebody to tears. Of joy and sadness and everything in between. And the ultimate joy - melancholy. People never understand when I say this, but melancholy is the greatest emotion one can experience, in my experience. It's a mixture between sadness and happiness, and then you add a heap of past memories and a whole lot of fear and hope for the future. What could be more human? What could be more beautiful?"
And just as suddenly as she had decided that Tydus was above pretence, above suspicion, she was struck by an idea that he shouldn't go back to Riverfall if he disliked it so much. Two emotions seemed to clash in her mind, giving her a mild headache like bees buzzing around in a small, enclosed space. Her head was telling her that she needed to be considerate, to try and console him and be nice with him but her heart wasn't in it. What she really wanted to do was tell him to pull himself together. For a few ticks, the words stuck in her throat and she merely smiled weakly but, as there was what felt like a whole chime of silence, they burst out.
"But if you don't like Riverfall, then why do you stay there? Are you that scared of change? You know, it might not mean much coming from me, but I don't think you have the right to complain when you're not being pro-active. Take charge of your life and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I certainly can't feel sorry for you. After all, unless you're hiding some sort of dark secret from the world, you're far from unemployable. You'd find a job just as easily here, in Kenash (which you claim to like) as in Riverfall. So why don't you? I think that, behind the swaggering and the air of confidence, you're afraid. There's nothing wrong with being afraid but there is something wrong with not respecting yourself and, in my eyes, a man not willing to take charge of his fate doesn't respect himself. It makes it difficult for others to respect you. Do forgive me if I am wrong to dub you weak, in a manner of speaking, but it turns out that you're just as pathetic as everyone else."
Her eyes had got brighter and fiercer as she spoke, more fierce than she actually felt and, as she finished speaking, she regretted her outburst... everything she had said could be as applicable to herself as to Tydus. The young woman felt that she'd been a little harsh and let her voice soften, becoming more gentle. With a smile, she drew closer to the man so that he'd know by her body language that she was sorry. After all, a dynast would never actually apologise to a freeborn except if they had truly done something very wrong and she hadn't. Adelaide changed the subject, hoping that he wouldn't be so offended that he stopped talking to her. She rather liked the company of the handsome, if formulaic, Svefra and was curious about him.
"Oh, let's not talk about this. All this is too much for me today. It's been a long day. What do you like to do for fun? Or to relax?"
