[Ricky] The Sincere Oddities of A Writer

[Amrita]

I love reading that quote over and over again too It helps keep me grounded, I think. As in, it’s not just a reminder that a difference for one person is just as important as a difference for many people. It’s also a way for me to remember to focus on the ‘here and now’. Imagine a world where the woman in the quote was too worried about her job interview the next day to notice the starfish. She was living in the present. I admire that.

Confidence boosting comes from living in the present, I think, and knowing that I only have control over myself in the present. Remembering to count my blessings, and to recognize the positive things about myself (and others) are both things that I have to do regularly in order to change my point of view on negative things that happen in my life. I don’t know if this would help everyone, but I felt like I could at least share what works for me ^.^

You sound like a guy who genuinely cares about things. For that reason, Zach, I wish you the best in life

[Ricky Maze]

D'aaaaw. The feels are strong after reading that reply! Really though I can actually admit that you are pretty much correct, I tend to care about things a lot and half the time care too much when I probably shouldn't. I guess that kinda happens when you have a big heart? >.> Aaaaanyways, I actually like how you mentioned your insight on that, in a way it does serve as a reminder to live in the present and enjoy it. Granted there are days where I definitely wish the present could be a bit better, but still I find that I enjoy myself most of the time anyways. Really it depends on the moods I have.

I know there are times when I start to feel a little confidence boost, generally when I have some good feedback from friends and peers, I tend to feel a bit better about myself and find a sense of comfort that I enjoy for a bit. It never really lasts that long though because something usually happens that leads me to revert back to my previous state of mind, most of the time its generally a slap of reality as I realize that I'm still stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Hence why I have such odd, and no doubt depressing to read, rambles half the time when they're recorded in this scrapbook. I really need to post more things in here to show how lively and energetic I can be, since I feel like I project nothing but boredom in half these posts.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

When Your Close to Done

So, how about a bit of a dramatic story for an interesting post? Why? Because I've had the absolute best fucking day of my life. Its pretty much a long story and I even vented a rant on this with Facebook which had to be removed, considering that others who commented on it started to call out names. No doubt I'm gonna have to kiss a bit of ass Wednesday just to reduce any heat I may face upon returning to work... yeah, it actually is that bad.

So to start from scratch and give you the better idea on what's exactly happened, lets just say that I've not one but two "supervisors" (if you'd like to call them that) that have a habit of bullying me. There are times where one of them is okay with me and I know she's only kidding, but the rest its like she has something against me or either I just don't do enough in a day to satisfy her. Pretty much I've dealt with this for several months now and quite frankly, I've grown very tired of dealing with the shit they do. Yesterday I practically tried to do everyone in my department a favor and make some room in our freezer, because we couldn't do shit with the freight that was in there unless most of it was moved around. I come back to work today to find that "I did a poor job" in sorting the shit out, when that wasn't even the damn goal to begin with. That and apparently during the process I gave my coworker a task, one stupid task, that I was suppose to do. Like it was my damn job to do it anyways, which I know is bull shit because when I started every one else did it and NOT just me.

So that happened and at that point I was literally pissed off, because I do NOT appreciate it when somebody has a habit of down talking like that. Then on top of that the other supervisor, which just fucking loooooves to come by when I'm working and makes me drop what I'm doing for her, anyways she comes by and guess what she wants me to do? I simply asked "Can I finish decorating these cupcakes first?" because I was so damn close to getting them done. But no, apparently that was back talking and telling her now. Thus she decided to go ahead and "talk" with me about that, and give me a heads up that I'll be zoning (pull shit on the shelves forward basically) everyday for a while now. At that point I'm ready to lose it, so close that it about became a black out moments. Yeah, those rare occasions where you see nothing but stars and feel complete anger? That happened, or almost did anyways. I kept my head cool long enough to finish what I started, then walked the fuck out for my first break.

Then later on BOTH of the supervisors had the audacity to literally say "You know I was just playing with you" directly to me, just to cover their asses since they knew I was having a pretty damn bad day. So yeah, I decided to vent just this one time. This. One. Time. While I never mentioned WHO the people were, others that commented did. Thus leading me to having to delete said post and pray that when I go back Wednesday, I'm off tomorrow that the Gods, I won't have to deal with any more bullshit. Either way I'll be going straight to one of the higher ups, as its clearly a case of bullying I've tolerated long enough. The only reason why I've kept my mouth shut the past couple of months is because I really need this damn job, and I sure as hell don't want to lose it when I have to pay bills somehow. So... now that the rants written out, again, I can at least feel safe in knowing this one won't feed any fires. No names was said after all and I've neglected to mention which company its for, therefore I can rest easy knowing my tracks are covered and I can share what a shitty ass day I've had. Now that's done I think I'll spend a bit of time writing.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

So picking up from my previous subject I find myself in need to vent a little more, mainly because while I may think I'm gonna be fine and have a handle on things for tomorrow, I'm somehow secretly brooding on it as well as stressing because it bothers me. The fact that I'm trying to ignore it doesn't seem to help, so maybe after a bit more venting on it, these bothersome thoughts can finally be put at ease before I return back to my posting schemes. I don't know what to expect when I return to work tomorrow, honestly I doubt there'll be anything big or bothersome but the fact is I'll have to deal with an obstacle that I've forced myself to tolerate for a while now.

Deep down it kinda scares me yes, but that's because I just don't know what to expect. The outcome can easily vary depending on how things work out, and the worst they could do to me is fire me which is stupid. Its stupid for one because they'd have no reason to fire me, and they would be giving me reason to really raise hell about it. While I ain't necessarily scared of that outcome its the consequences of it that do scare me, even though its the most unlikely result I'll face by the end of the day. No. What actually does scare me is how my "associates" will treat me afterwards, I'm already the black sheep of the group back there and the fact they really will isolate me after this does seem scarey. The best thing I could do is transfer to a new department in the store, though I would like to think the better option would be to quit. Quit and look for a place that is a bit more tolerable in terms of friendly associates, I mean the whole time I've worked back there I've always had suspicions about them, and those weren't proven true until a couple of the newer hires that worked back there assured me of them.

So why do I care? Naturally its because I've always done so, I always worry about making a good impression and having the good opinions of those around me. Deep in my heart I want to be able to be friends with everyone I meet and spend enough amounts of time with, yet no matter how badly I try to make sure that happens I run into the same issue along the way, and if that isn't enough to make me feel insecure then there's the fact I let people walk all over me as well. I've always been so damn passive when it comes to approaching things, and always had a low amount of confidence in my ability to handle things all the time. Often when I would start actually building that confidence, something happens to knock down further. There have actually been times where I've really been depressed because of this, brief periods where I hate where I currently am and wish for a change or a way to put it at an end.

But that's all going to change soon, it has to starting tomorrow. I have to try and actually force myself to stand up, and no matter how intimidated I feel I have to force myself to choose. I can't let people walk over me anymore, can't let myself feel inferior to others now. I haven't got a single damn clue as to how I'll keep up with the attitude, and by all means any sort of advice is bound to help. I only know that right now I'm troubled by something that bothers me, and while I'm probably making the biggest deal over nothing, I definitely have to make things better for myself if I want to see any real changes made. My only problem that I know I may have, as it always comes back to bite me in the ass later on, is that at the end of all this there may be some regrets. Always is and always will be, so we'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings when the days over with.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

So in retrospect to my previous post and how yesterday went, I really did stress out over nothing by the looks of it. I have a bad habit of doing that really, but in all light of this I've learned that I really do need to stand up for myself, and don't be afraid of what the consequences are because they shouldn't matter. To be honest I thought I'd feel a bit of regret about the whole incident but really I don't feel anything, then again shit hadn't hit the fan so I dunno if this is going to get better or worse overtime. I do like to think better though, its the only way it has to go at this point since I'm finally kicking myself in the ass and forcing myself to deal with things now. Its certainly a better way to cope with everything other than just deal with it everyday and not do something about it. It'll all work out I'm sure, just gotta wait and see what happens and handle the rest in a positive and professional manner.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

Sexuality

Not sure how uncomfortable that term may come to some of you that read this but in my recent thoughts I've come to find a LOT of people spend time wondering about this, specifically they might wonder if another person is heterosexual or homosexual (I use the proper terms to avoid any means of offending anybody) and its perfectly normal for people to wonder that. Everybody always has curiosities that lead them to wonder if not ask "what's this person's sexuality?" or "What's my own sexuality?" when they come to wonder about themselves at times. I know for the longest time I spent a while wondering what I would be because in truth attraction and all that means nothing to me, sure I can look at a person and they be either male or female and I can go "Oh he's got some attractive features, and she's got wonderful qualities that's attractive" and all the other bullshit that comes out of it.

But when I found out what my own "sexuality" and preferences are (supposedly) I was like "Oh okay, so that's what it is." and basically just considered it another label that's used. Finally I came to realize after a while that there was much more to it than that, and that in turn led me to reflect on it personally and realize how and why it is I am what the term describes. Pansexuality as its described in the wiki is more or less based on the fact a person is more attracted through emotions really, enabling them to be involved with a relationship with basically just about anybody. Now that seems highly understandable and clear to grasp, but that only scratches at the surface for me. It more or less "highlights" the aspect and nature of it, but I believe there is definitely more.

Its true because it does involve emotions but at a more deeper level it actually involves the soul, the connection that you find when you realize that the person you're talking to actually makes you feel much more different. What makes it even better is that you know that you also make the other person feel different, whether your just learn it out of being clueless or pick up on it early on, either tends to make that all the more better. I've come to learn that I'm an overly affectionate person, I enjoy it when friends know how I feel because its suppose to help me connect with them. If I feel they return those feelings or reciprocate them in a positive way, then I can in turn allow myself to love that person because they show that they deserve it. It isn't just potential lovers or partners that this happens to but to friends and family as well, people that I can feel close to and trust are just as easily able to earn this if I feel they deserve it.

Its definitely a bit more complicated to actually flesh out and write about than when I first started this post, but I just believe that at the heart I'm a person who doesn't pay too much attention to physical appearances and mental qualities, I mean they do have some weight in countenance but its more or less me being able to feel for them at the heart. If I come to like or enjoy certain aspects about you, then odds are I'll favor your company more than most. If I begin to feel deeper about it, then that definitely means I'm connecting with the inner part of you. Its the soul that counts after all, but now I'm going to end this long winded rant before things get awkward. If they haven't already. >.>

~Zach~

[Gossamer]

Wow. So only pansexuality not heterosexuality or homosexuality involve deep emotional connections and soul connections? I feel really sorry for you.

[Ricky Maze]

First off I am deeply sorry as I didn't think what I said would offend anyone when I first wrote it, but after I saw your response and the response of others in private and they agreed with you, I could see that it was offending to people of a different sexuality than me and I had not considered that. It wasn't my intention to offend people with this post, as I only wanted to share a bit of insight I had collected on the topic. However my actions were rather stupid and not well thought out, and again I truly am deeply sorry if that is how the post seemed to carry out.

[Ricky Maze]

Contemplation

So I think a bit of apology is overdue (strange because it feels like I'm starting to just toss them around) but this is due to the fact that I've been down on my posting game, its not like me to keep people waiting this long but the whole month has been more or less difficult for me in its own way. I guess ever since my previous subject I've been more or less thinking a lot and contemplating things, trying to wonder about perspective and such and of course in general I just didn't have any motivation after NaNo. I suppose I was tired from the writing, but usually I'm back in my posting game after a week, yet nearly a month has passed and this is due to the fact that my motivation levels grew worse. That's how some of the holidays are for me sometimes, mainly because I'm antisocial and don't give myself the proper ass kicking I need to get outside and do things other than work.

Anyways I had spent a lot of time just thinking and realized several things, and why they are important is because they remind me of one important factor about myself. First off I've spent this entire year believing that I have to live on a time clock with my own deadlines, I've done it to the point where it literally reflected in my work on Miza. Sometimes it got hectic and the rest of the other times it was mostly enjoyable, but I found myself realizing that the idea of it wasn't really helping me keep a healthy lifestyle. It wasn't until I reflected back upon some memories during highschool and then I realized that it hadn't even been as long as it felt, I graduated in 2011 and its about to be 2015 come the new year. That's only four years spent outside of high school, and to me that felt like an age had already passed. Once I realized that though, I began to reflect on what insight and perspective is in general. There's several definitions for it as it's here in Dictionary of course, but I didn't really dwell on its meaning as that wasn't what the focus was.

I dwelt on the fact that while I enjoy having perspective, gaining new perspective, and being able to share it that in truth what perspective I have is just a piece of a whole. It's not the complete insider on everything, its not the entire fact that explains a subject for whatever it is, perspective is just a little bit of something that adds more insight. This made me believe that truly I must be pretty dump, or at least sound dumb at best sometimes. I know there are cases where I talk and rant on and on about something and I might sound like I know what I'm saying, but thinking about this made me realize that half the shit I say can sound completely stupid to somebody else. Which means for the longest while I've also been ignorant to the fact I've been inconsiderate to what others might think, and how that reflects on me matters because I actually do care about what others feel about me. I know that there are plenty of people out there that won't, and already don't of course, think highly of me because of something I might've said or did. I mean half the time you don't even have to do anything and a person can just not like you, which is probably part of the reason why I remained ignorant about what I say or do most of the time.

There's been plenty of regrets made in my life that I've accepted and moved past, I've learned my lessons and this one isn't going to be any different. That's why I'm going to see about taking personal time to do what I think is needed to help strive to be a better person, its bad enough I already don't know for sure how I want to be me. Being myself is something I've wondered about but haven't had any idea's on doing, so I think some real meditation would seriously help with this aspect when the new year hits. How this reflects to the start of the post, well the apology was for those I've kept waiting while I was out of my funk. Now that I've spent some personal time thinking and regaining motivation, I should be getting back in the saddle and posting for everyone soon. I've got just a wee bit to catch up on but nevertheless it'll all be done soon.

~Zach~

[Ricky Maze]

Transition

So recently after the month started not only did I consider the need to change my outlook some but my attitude towards everything as well, its more or less been an effort to try and improve on habits and transition towards better thinking among other things. Positive outlooks are things I can easily hold but would occasionally falter from when times felt hard, off and on I feel a bit tired already but nevertheless I already know there's been a major change. I've started to become more considerate of others and doing more, getting more work done while on the job and showing more appreciation towards my coworkers, just these few things are starting to impact how my daily routine carries out. Half the time I feel far more cheerier than I used to, and I definitely don't take everything so seriously like I once did.

So overall I've been off to a good start, now in terms of writing I think I have need to extend my break just a bit longer. I'm not sure by how much but I can say things are looking up, I know a couple of posting partners are missing me and if you're reading this now, then allow me to say that you are all more than welcome to turn in our threads if you choose. I know some are willing to wait which is extraordinary to me because I've been putting Miza off for a while now, but whatever you choose to do I'm grateful either way to have threaded with you and will love doing so again once this breaks over. Off and on I've been piecing together the long term plans I made for my novel I've wanted to write, this damn thing has been sitting in my head for years and just waited to be turned into something, so I've been thinking now is the time to try and see if I can't make start this project and see it reach its end.

So far the other things in life have been easy enough, I'm pretty sure my previous mentions about the job and attitude change with it leave a good impression. I still have yet to do much other than simply run to work then return home, but I'm also about to start doing more and engaging myself with more activities. There's definitely a bit of a social life bound to be involved finally since things are looking up, so that pretty much leaves the whole 'real life update' up to speed I guess.

On an unrelated note I found something interesting that reminds me of my mother, though this typically fits anybody with some fierce road rage I thought I'd share, because when it comes to my mother having road rage I just can't help but laugh my own ass off. Either way there are plenty of people that we refer to as idiots because they either don't know how to drive or just plain suck at it, especially in the city where I work in.



~Zach~