A Confession
It isn't something I've kept hidden from you guys. It isn't anything that should effect your view of me or my time here on Mizahar. It is merely a personal goal of mine to be more open about my struggles, and because I feel very safe and welcome here, I decided Miz was as good a place to start as any. So let's get straight to it.
I have anxiety.
I get panic attacks daily, if not more than once a day. Panic attacks vary widely so, for those of you who are already familiar with them, my symptoms may not be the same you've heard of before. I shake uncontrollably. My muscles tense so tightly I cannot stand, let alone move. I cannot hear anything over the rush of blood in my ears, caused by a rapid heartbeat. There are usually sobs, and always hyperventilation to the point of numbness in my fingers and toes.
I thought these were normal until age 14, when I finally got caught during one of them by my mother. She was devastated, to say the least, and brought me immediately to find help. Since then, I have been through 8 different medications and 5 different therapists. It seems nothing is working.
Sure, there are things that help. Reading, writing, spending time with my boyfriend, interacting with animals- all these things can stave off an attack to a certain extent. But sometimes...most times...they are unstoppable. Once a day, I am required to fall to this demon that I cannot defeat.
I have had suicidal thoughts.
I haven't tried, but I have self-harmed, and that's close enough to scare me. I won't go into much more detail there, for the comfort of anyone who reads this. If you want to know the full story there, feel free to ask me to put it in a spoiler, but I won't put it out in anyone's faces.
I was hospitalized today for suicidal intentions during one of my episodes. I was with my mother, by sheer luck, when it happened. I told her I wanted to die, right then, and she took me to the ER. We both left frustrated, as they didn't do SHIT. They waited until I calmed down, took my vitals, and sent me on my way with a date for a new therapy session.
Too long;Didn't read- Today was a very trying day down an already rough road and I am thankful that I have made it this far, but pessimistic about the future.
Please, take a moment to be thankful for what you have. Give yourself a pat on the back for showering today. Smile, because you were strong enough to get out of bed and get dressed. It might seem dumb to you, but to be able to function would mean the world to me.
