[Diane's Scrapbook] The chains of Life.

[Diane]

Theme : The Chains of Life. "Sacrifice yourself,fight for it no matter what.. so sacrifice yourself,and let me Have what's left, I'm going all the away,down on this road no matter if there's a hole where my heart Should Be.." Personal Motto: "I am different.We are different..Nothing will be the same again." Quote: "Life will always knocks you down,on everyone.But only those,who shall stand up again,are the ones who will Survive." My Rules: 1.Don't spam.Seriously.Write at least something nice.We are all writers here. 2.Don't try to peel oranges.I really dislike doing that. 3.You can add fuzzy pics with purple things,orange is accepted as well. 4.Do not break my chains.They're damn expensive. 5.Advice and good comments are very welcomed.Much appreciated. Song theme: Enigma-Gravity of Love. Prologue: ''~Pen?Yes.Paper?Checked.Cookies and milk?Of course.StilI feel like something else is missing,but can't figure exactly what.I really hate when my brain isn't working properly,at this rate,I keep forgetting even the smallest things. I think I'm still chained to this Life,from which sometimes is hard to escape or to free myself,and I find it rather hard to try to "fly" again.The bad thing is that I have the key for these chains,but I can't bring myself to actually unlock them..I really do dislike,many times what life is still throwing at me and I try to fight it with all my might,but I do get tired.That comes in,when I need someone else to set me free from these chains..~''

[Diane]

Things are never easy.This is one aspect which I've learned due my experience and my past.Even good things come to an end,eventually.Or maybe not,if you fight enough..I really don't know even myself,but at some point I wish that I could be more like the characters that I create. For example,when I create "Diane" first things in mind were running about her personality and how she should be,act in some situations.I tried to put it in my mind,with images and all that to figure for myself,how she would react being put in many conditions.I decided also,to get her in the Cold lands,as it's opposite of Me,which I dislike cold very much.Of course,as I am sure that everyone puts a little bit of "them" in their characters,more or less.On this specific,I added for "Diane" the shyness,clumsiness overall.Also,as a strong side of her,is that she has her beliefs,yet cans till manage to defend the ones which herself,considers they deserve so. I really do find myself a lot in "her",and in the way she is being still,in a never ending changing during the seasons,from now on.Still,on the other look over this,her journey of Life has just begun and is a very long road,only time will tell."Diane" despite all this,.she's still pinned down her life over in the cold lands and can't change to much about it,yet even at that rate she took a 180 degrees turn.That is when she left her homeland on her own journey,wanting to explore,to see new people and to learn about new cultures for her own. Here,of course is where I,myself found the right opportunity of doing the same as Her.Nothing more or less,on the piece of paper,as I turn the pages of the book..the rest is still unwritten. Some mumbling about a part of Presenting myself: Have you had the impression that everything you did so far,was not good?I know that I have.I still am,getting the feeling of regret of my past,wishing that just for a bit I could turn back time and change so many in my life.I try,struggle an crawl over to release from the chains of my past life.I crave for new beginnings and gasping for Air.I really try to stay on this road,even if I trip,fall down or feel like I drown, I still want to continue to write.I need to.It's more like an addiction,even if my english isn't that good,and I certainly need much more improvement,on the long run I know that I can make it. Aside from this small part,my road also consists in actually to be "me".Not wearing a mask,not pretending to be happy,when I'm not.I don't want to get again to that point,when all is a Lie,fake feelings or emotions.I want a real ME. I got sometimes,to the edge where I had to much.Enough is enough.Fake friends?Checked.Lies,hurting and painful experiences?Hell,yeah.Then,I think again.If life was easy,where all the adventure would be,right? Still,even so,getting to be in the worst situations ever,is certain not the most feeling.Nor the best Live thing to be.Also,I am more on the principle,after all this time " I rather feel pain,than Nothing at all." You,may ask yourself where the love is ?Now,that's a serious and complicated issue with me. Same as "Diane",so I can say searches for it but usually in the wrong places or encounters the wrong persons.Just when you give that little bit of you,to the others..it's like they devour your soul and feeling,just so soon they'll toss you away like a forgotten Doll in endless time.I've been there myself,countless times and it's very hard now,in this very moment to actually gain to trust someone that badly,so I can reveal my true self and to actually Feel.Love is the exact way as a Rose.Has thorns,it will sting you each time you try to touch it,IF you're not careful enough and to to see it's beauty beyond the appearance. Never judge a book by it's cover,they are still a lot of things left unsaid or many not written down,but at least you got a heart which keeps going on.This is that stage of me now,getting little by little further from all the "past chains",still I'm stuck over here,as if I am in between the past and present,hanging.I know that this may be a lie,I don't want pretend anymore.I am getting sick and tired,I want to feel real things,to get a "gentle touch" of that Rose and not to be hurt,bleeding from the thorns.

[Diane]

The other day,I had to do some cleaning around the house.It's not like I complain,of being alone for the most part,where I have to cook my food and do of course,the housecleaning by myself. Some of my inner thoughts: 1.Washing dishes: I don't like to have like tons of dishes to do,I usually wash them soon after I eat.Only if I am really "lazy" I let them until alter to be cleaned.Not a very fun activity,only if for example,the bubbles made by the dish soap is wondering around.That makes me giggle every time. 2.Cleaning the carpets. God..I wish I wouldn't have to do that,but in the end it's a task and I know that I must do it in either case.The worst part about this is,that the carpet in my folks room,is dark red and an maroon nuance.You can see everything on that damn thing! even the smallest stain or dirt.I had to use some shampoo over it,it took me around 1 hour to clean it,not very pleasant to stay down on your knees and make circular moves with both of your hands.Talk about effort. Of course,I was a bit lucky because the carpet,from my room is an orange color and wasn't that much trouble with it,since the dirt came out pretty fast. 3.The dust. Now,that is a Global and social problem.I hate it.I always sneeze from it,I don't like it on my clothes,hair nor my hands.Then again,I had to do it as well,when in the case along with the dust,I had to take care of the "pets" .This means spiders.A lot of them,I mean I like spiders at some point,but not like to have an entire family or more.They need to get Down..Gladly I had some spray,and now they are gone. As for the dust itself,I used a clothing and some solution so it won't like, rise everywhere in the house and me inhaling it.Believe me,worst case scenario is to inhale a bug,that's a different story. 4.Cleaning the yard. This task,didn't went easy either,for the fact that the damn leaves were like dividing or something.They were thousands,from the tree in front of the house and the grapes,which I have just above as you enter in the yard from the main gate.In only like,3 days I gathered a Lot.since I don't got a big trash can,I had to put the leaves in some bags to.Up-down motions,my back still hurt after that and of course there wasn't anyone to rub it.. Pics: sorry,big pic.>.> Secret : 5.Cooking. Here,I feel in my "world" but,even in here sometimes accidents can happen.Likewise,I decided to go with some potatoes and pork meat done in the oven,I of course,as I am clumsy many times,I did almost cut my fingers twice.Not to mention the part where,I forgot to turn the oven's temperature after I put the goodies there.I was waiting and waiting,after half of hour went to check it,there was no heat.Until I realize,what I didn't do.It was an "lol" moment,until things got back on track. I don't like for the most part to spend like,a lot of time in the kitchen making food and all that,maybe only for the baking part,sweets are the best and you can so play with the ingredients in any way possible.,To make them sweeter,to add more essence or some of that to. Overall,as to conclude this: sometimes,I don't like to be alone,as my folks live to the other house and I contact them via phone or at some point,my mom passes by here for like 1-2 days maximum.However,maybe times I just wish to be alone and do things how I want to without having to explain myself why I did that instead of the other one,or why didn't I do that thing in the way that person says to me to do so.I hate being bossed around.I dislike to be told why I don't got yet a job,when here in this town half of it is dead.I for the most part,still trying my best to achieve what I have in mind right now,so just stop talking nonsense or sh!t in front of me or worse behind my back. I do have dreams as everyone.You won't shatter it,no matter how hard you try. I'll make mine Real and true.it will just take some time and effort from my part,but that won't bring me down for sure.I'll keep fighting until I am There and to start a new Life. Life isn't easy,nor simple.If it was,where all the adventure would be,huh?I am still on this road,walking forward. The best,Di.

[Jaeden Kincade]

I know what you mean in many cases Corina, especially when it comes to cleaning.

I can't tell you how unmotivated I am to clean when I come home from work after cleaning up after costumers all day.

But, I have for you a little something something to brighten your day.

I have both fuzzy and purple....


Chicks are cute.

[Diane]

Awee x'D Naaate!! That is soo cuuutee ~_~ Rawr <33

Thank you for the pic.Purple,chick..who'd have thought,huh ? : )

It made me smile so big. ^^ Fufuu..Thank you <3

[Diane]

A goodbye.. I guess,that life many times is only unfair,or perhaps I am not doing something right,always throwing me to all directions,in the worst cases ever. Yesterday,I said Goodbye.I think it was the third time when I did said a goodbye to someone.End.A new beginning,it may be for me..or not.I don't know myself. I was never good at goodbye's.The first time I said one,happened when my grandpa passed away 9 years ago,it was still a shock to me and couldn't believe my eyes that indeed had happened.As years went by,I still find myself thinking of him and just a few days ago I visited his grave.Chills crossed my body seeing his name still written on white paint over the cross.I remember even now perfectly at that time,his death but yet...the good moments,were short and way to little.I wish I could have spent more time with him.. As the second goodbye,took me like a thunderstorm,completely off guard when my aunt passed away 4 years ago,and had to say goodbye to her as well.It was painful,I cried to much over her that I even fainted on that day over the funeral.I never wanted to say goodbye.I can't bring my words to say it..I just can't,even if I have to,I muter those words. For the other "goodbye" happened just 2 days ago,ending something that it went bad due some ugly circumstances and I really didn't wanted to get down to it.Then again,life is jut like that and I made the decision that it's for the best to end what "we" had.It has happened a lot between us,even on the short amount of time which we spent together.I don't regret any of it,but as "you" sustained "I rather be friends,sticking at your company than rather,not having You at all." I still can smile over this,.but I hate that I had to say Goodbye of what we once had.It's painful.It hurts.I hate to say it..but "Goodbye." Once as this concludes,walking down on this road it seems to long and lonely across with this storm which is heading towards me.So many walls to bump,to many bridges to cross on.To many insecurities all at once.The chains of Life are pinning me down the ground,once again finding myself stuck here at the crossroad. "Maybe..there is a beauty in a goodbye,after all.."

[Diane]

"I found myself scribbling at some point some stuff,and I hope this is OK to put it here.I find myself once again going down the road,a bit aside from it and maybe taking a wrong twist. "when I twist,you hold me..when I shatter,you aren't here." were some of the words passing by my mind and nothing more or less.I just feel to let this out of my chest for some reason. "Hold on. It was already over.After the previous night,I could barely get on my feet,to be able to stand up.I felt awful,both from inside and out.This pain is so real,it feels so overwhelming that really makes me wanna cry.I do need You now..Please,Hold on.Don't erase me,do not turn me into a memory..not make me to fade away. I've watched you change,like you were on fire and didn't had wings.More like a fallen Angel,yet so beautiful and Deadly as a thorn of a Rose.The most beautiful things,are the deadly ones..from whom you got no escape. It's happiness inside that you're feeling.I hope that it will stay and won't vanish,I wanna keep holding onto that.The change in you,made my eyes to be filled with tears even if I look away the shadow of your body,keeps appearing.. "I never felt so alive..this bloody feeling is great." The air feels so heavy to breathe,as I look around over the street I see nothingness.Emptiness.Loneliness.I got nobody to..Love and this heart needs to beat again..Is there anyone out there,'cause this is harder to breathe. I want you to breathe Life into Me..the emotions,will keep rushing inside my body,the blood still is boiling in my veins,but I see it while I loose myself...I pretend that I don't feel any pain.I try to pull myself away,but I get so Lost that it's hard to keep myself Alive.. "Hold on!..Do I really need to sacrifice myself for this bleeding heart and for Our Love?" I need to fight to make it through,soon this will be over and I can't bring myself back to Life in the hope of having back those memories or to bring to my heart a beat once again.I only watch it suffering all over again,standing in the middle of the street. "can I hold on..onto You?".. Is it to late to apologize? I wanna take the shot,the chance to change things,I really need you as a heart needs a Beat..Why can't I just turn and to be myself for once?why must I have to get pass through this,without any tears..Please don't Give Up on Me.."

[Diane]

Here I find myself with the Chains of life wrapped around me,especially when Fall-Winter season is around the corner.Well,more winter,cause Fall isn't over yet but it will soon. I think that already the persons which know me,even a little are aware of the fact that I dislike leaning towards Hating,the Cold seasons and winter mostly.This time of the year is the worst for me,not now for the fact of me having still a cold.I can't remember last time I felt so damn sick in the past 3-4 days. Everything hurt,from my eyes to my toes,could barely eat,with the sore throat.I still cough even now,from time to time,the worst thing I found is that I was alone until the other day when my mom came home. IN the days which I had the damn cold,still have it but more moderate state, my fever went to a damn 102.2 F degree,burning like hell and sweating heavily.Everything I ate or drank made much more sicker.It's the worst thing ever,stay in bed,wrapped in like 2 blankets and clothes on you,sweating like the "sun in July". I know that many people said that I needy.Don't you think I don't know that?But at least when I am damn sick and can barely stand to go to the bathroom,after hitting the door countless times with my head,don't you think I would expect that someone to be there with ME? A lot of other persons,which I don't wanna give names said that I demanding from the way I speak,I sincerely think that was the harshest things ever said to me.I mean,not that I expect all the persons to be nice or something,but at least don't act as If YOU are damn perfect and I am a piece of garbage asking Stuff from you,when I simply asked "how are you and where have you been ?" since I didn't saw you around.These kind of people are starting to piss me off,and made me to think from another perspective getting to an conclusion that is should stop carrying and asking many people how are they. As in either case many of them,don't even bother me to ask me HOW I am,or if I am ok if I don't Myself start to conversation,they never make that step,so why should care so much?I don't see the point in this,really.I also know,that life isn't perfect and I will just enjoy for now what she offers me,when in the long run I am will just focus on what I wanna do without any hesitation from my part,and not concerning of some people "full of themselves". On the other hand,I don't wanna be the third wheel anymore.See of your personal life and just stop asking me all the time,how to do that,how can you please that or what HE likes.I am not your freaking mail/deliver person in Personal issues.Just deal with it yourself,I was once in your pose and didn't asked help from anyone.This isn't making me jealous,if you think that..you are sadly mistaken.It's frustrating and irritating at some point.So please..stop suffocating me and let me live my life. I want badly to escape this type of life,but from the things happening,I don't think I get a chance anytime soon..

[Diane]

Life is life. Getting you either all excited or drops you down the floor, along in this "road" being with the chains of Life around you. As for me, this weekend my mother will get remarried so I will have to call that Man actually my "step-dad" which I am not very pleased for now, I mean I want my mom to be happy after all these years with a Guy.But considering what has been going on with this Man along the years and with me, I don't like it.Then again, I can't argue with that, it's her life after all, so I just have to deal with it. Of course I have to pick my clothing for this occasion and I got no idea what to wear, but mostly for sure I will go with some skinny, tight jeans and a colorful blouse along with a white jeans, jacket. I don't feel like wearing a skirt or a long dress and stocking[even as many would find that appealing] it's to damn cold for that now. So tomorrow, I will have to look in my closet and see of choosing my blouse, as mom is all "dress up nicely, you're a girl.Stop wearing pants all the time" attitude and me only sighing over her words, me not a big fan of skirts/dresses only for super special occasion.I will see in the end what I will do and wear. If we will take pics and such, I will put here as soon they will get download to my laptop, so I can share the moment. The ceremony will be this Saturday on the morning, here in my timezone and after that we go at my aunt's house to a small "party" if I can call it in that way.We will mostly discuss things over the ceremony, the clothing and food of course with drinks, some sweet country-side wine and good brief meat, probably some fish[which I won't eat for the fact that I dislike fish meat, any kinds.] so I will let them eat all the fish. Aside from this part and event in my life, I am struggling here to get down for the TOEFL test which I so hope badly, to take it in January[by the end of it] and pass it over, to get one problem of my shoulders, the next thing will still be continuing to gather the money and get slowly things down by end of Summer. who said Life is easy? and you can get All you want without fighting for it and struggle as much as possible..

[Diane]

Whatever you'd thought you have known so far, it is all smashed before your eyes..or only by a few words to make your heart to sting getting it much worse.Sometimes, maybe it's better if you don't get attached with some person and so you won't get hurt, won't care for it that much..and can try to live your life as it should be without any commitement. Then again life it's so messed up and gets you down to some roads which seem impossible to be taken out, in the roads of fate, chaining you down and finding your way out of there it's very difficult.I still find myself, very naive for believing in people so easily and I continue blame myself for it and getting hurt easily..maybe I, do take things to serious and this is a main reason for it.But, this is how I am and can't change to much. Just someone please tell me that out there are some people who won't take advantage of me just to get to have their way with me, toy me around and then toss me away..I understand the part where life isn't getting easy, but I don't get it why some people are thinking only for themselves and live on for hurting the others..