Closed Grief of a Mother (Asen)

[Sayana]

Summer 67, 515 AV – The Great Harbor

She couldn’t let him go. But she had to. Sayana walked through the streets in the depths of the night with the bundle of blankets in her arms. She had been told again and again that he would rot, that it would rot. Yet still she clung to the remains for over a day. But now it was time, past time. Even as she held the blankets to her chest she could smell the decay beginning.

Her feet seemed to guide her. She wasn’t thinking. All she could feel was the grief that clenched at her heart. Gone, lost forever. Was this what she wanted? Guilt rose in her as she recalled that cold winter day she had sought out poisonous herbs to kill the baby inside her. Had the gods and goddesses damned her from the start from that attempted wish? She felt hollow, empty, as her stomach had now returned to its usual size. If it wasn’t that, was it all her trips out into the wilderness? Some more dangerous than others? She thought back to the spring and the times she might have risked her own life and her baby’s. Maybe she had indeed risked her baby’s life on those adventures but she hadn’t known it until now.

Sayana pulled back a fold in the blankets to reveal her son’s small blue head. Tiny. Almost shrivelled, and ugly. She quickly covered it up as a fresh stream of tears ran down her face. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was going to raise a family with Aren. He was going to grow up big and strong like his father. And she… she failed. She couldn’t even bring him into this world. She hadn’t been the strong mother he needed. She had been reckless and selfish costing her little boy’s life. Aren must hate her. Even if he tried to hide it.

The smell of the salty air broke her from her thoughts. She had somehow made it to the harbor. It was almost fitting as she tasted one of her salty tears. She couldn’t bury her son outside the walls of Syliras, or at least not in the dead of night. It was too dangerous and she wouldn’t get past the gates either. The harbor… she could toss him into the sea. That didn’t feel right. There was sand. Her thoughts buzzed around without any order to them. She stood by the pier jutting out for several chimes feeling lost and hopeless with the bundle of blankets clutched in her arms.

[Asen]

From an outsider's perspective, it would seem that Asen was almost happy. Her brisk stride and rolled-up sleeves stuffed into her pockets gave the impression that she had somewhere to be, something to do and keep her occupied. She did, actually, but it was in no way a happy thing.

In fact, nothing about the half-Dhani was happy. Earlier in the season she'd begun to spiral downwards and now she spent more nights passed out at The Rearing Stallion than in her own bed at the dorms. The weight that had settled in her chest had only grown heavier as time went on and more than once she'd gone to the healer for 'accidental' injuries. It felt like the only way to relieve the numbness that plagued her.

After some careful consideration, she'd decided that there was one way to get the weight off her chest permanently. It involved deep water and the significant lack of people around who could interfere, so she had to go scouting. The Great Harbor seemed ideal, but she didn't know how busy it was at night. So far it looked completely abandoned.

Except for one other person. The squire could see someone on one of the piers, standing with a bundle in their arms. Find your own damn place to die, this one's mine.

They had a distinctly feminine silhouette, one with... Six arms. Asen knew only one person with six arms, and that was Sayana. What was she doing out here? She moved closer to the woman. "Sayana? Are you okay? What's going on?"

Even though she was in an abyss of absolute nothingness, the blonde could help others find their way out of it. She put a hand on one of Sayana's high arms, making to turn her towards her so she could see the bundle -- or more specifically, the thing inside the bundle.

[Sayana]

She stood there holding the bundle and shivered slightly in the cool night breeze. What was she going to do with it? How could she bury it here? How could she, a mother, bury her own son? And then she caught sight a shadowy movement and heard the soft footsteps upon the ground. She was about to call out but the woman spoke first, seeming to know her name. It took her a moment due to the lack of context but then Sayana managed to identify the voice.

“Asen? Sessasschenaasen?” She asked. “What are you doing here?” Even as the half-dhani stepped towards her, Sayana took a step back clutching the bundle as though it was all she had left. Only when Asen gently put a hand on one of her high arms, did Sayana relinquish her protective nature and allow the squire to come near. Slowly she lifted part of the blanket away to reveal the head and torso of the tiny blue babe, not even close to being fully developed.

“He’s gone. He was my son.” The Eypharian spoke quietly, her voice nearly cracking. “They told me to bury him. Bury him so he does not rot.” Her voice was hollow as if repeating instructions verbatim. “But he will still rot even under the sand. I wasn’t good enough for him. I couldn’t bring him into this world.”

She sat down on the edge of the dock, her low and mid hands still holding the bundle while she put her face into her high hands. Cursed tears. Even in such a state she found it difficult to show her vulnerabilities to someone like Asen. But she couldn’t hide them well, nor the quiver in each breath she took.

[Asen]

Asen's breath caught in her throat and grief lanced through her belly at the sight of the tiny, underdeveloped body. Images she had fought to lock away came surging forwards accompanied by a wave of tears. The child looked just like her girls had, all wrinkled and sad. She reached towards the child's face with shaking hands and almost touched the blue skin, but withdrew before she did so.

Her crystalline eyes slid from the baby to Sayana, blinking through the tears. "I... I had no idea you were pregnant. Is it Aren's? It has to be his. He's the only Akalak I know other than-"

The half-Dhani almost choked on the name, swallowing it with immense difficulty. She sat next to Sayana, putting one arm around her and rubbing the high shoulder closest to her. "I know what you're feelin', Sayana. I felt the same thing a long while ago," she whispered, her fingers moving in small, slow circles.

"They, uh, they were twins. Two little girls. I could just tell they were goin' to be perfect from the moment I felt 'em kick. They were so synchronized, one right after the other. When they arrived afore their time they looked so much like their daddy," she told the Eypharian with a sorrowful smile, "All brown-haired an' blue-eyed an' just the smallest little things you could imagine."

The squire took one hand away to wipe the tears from her eyes. It was the first time in years she'd discussed it with anyone and she decided that Sayana was the person she could confide in, now that she was going through the same thing. "An' he thought I was a monster, thought that I took somethin' that killed 'em early. Oh, gods. I thought the same for close to a season, Sayana, an' only when Ma took me aside an' told me that I en't a monster for somethin' my body did all on its own did I stop cryin' every night."

Asen shifted closer to Sayana and hugged her gently. "You en't a monster. I know you're thinkin' that. It en't your fault. They told me to bury 'em, too. My little girls. 'Course I did it all on my own 'cause at that point I was still thinkin' it was my fault. I'm gonna help you, Sayana, 'cause I know you need it and I needed it, too. You don't have to do this by yourself," she murmured.

She managed to wriggle her hand into the Eypharian's low one, squeezing her fingers softly. The blonde rubbed her thumb across Sayana's knuckles, applying the same motions to the high shoulder furthest from her.

[Sayana]

“It’s Aren’s,” Sayana interrupted in a dull voice when Asen was trying to work out who the father might be. There was skepticism in her face when the squire stated that she knew how she was feeling. Though Sayana was comforted by Asen’s presence and the close physical touch. However, when the half-dhani began to explain, it started to make sense. Sayana leaned into the half-embrace and stared out into the dark sea as Asen told the story of her own twin daughters. She hadn’t thought that the woman was a mother, or had almost been one.

When the half-dhani mentioned the idea of being a monster and perhaps having taken something to have killed them, Sayana noticeably tensed. While she didn’t doubt that Asen was innocent of such things, she couldn’t say the same for herself. She had wanted to rid herself of the baby even though she had decided in the end to keep him.

Her words and presence were comforting and Sayana gave a faint smile at the gentle squeeze of her hand. Almost subconsciously, the Eypharian moved Asen’s hand from her low to her high, feeling it more fitting under the circumstances. And yet the guilt still churned in her empty stomach and she had to let someone know. “Asen…” She spoke quietly and her hesitation was obvious as if she was suddenly afraid to continue. “… I am a monster. I wanted him to… In winter I bought the herbs and everything and… But I couldn’t do it. I was scared but I couldn’t. Not with Aren. Not like how I did it to my last one. And now the gods have cursed me and are laughing in my face.”

She squeezed Asen’s hand tightly and cuddled up against her warmth. She was silent and still for several moments with only her heavy trembling breathing to be heard. At last it seemed as though her mind came to some sort of resolution or at least enough of one. Slowly she adjusted her position and moved into a stand. “Will you still help me… bury him?” Her eyes looked over the darkened beach. She wouldn’t want him to suddenly get uncovered by too many waves washing over. Under the docks, however, there were all sorts of rubble and large rocks that wouldn’t get uncovered so easily. “Could it… could it be done here? Under the dock?”

[Asen]

"Sayana," Asen began, "you may have thought about it, but you didn't take the herbs. Besides, even if you did it wouldn't make you a monster. It en't your sole job to get pregnant for a man an' the gods couldn't be bothered to curse you for thinkin' about it."

She gave the Eypharian's shoulder a squeeze in response to the one she received, allowing her to stand after several moments of silence. She stood as well and brushed off her pants. "'Course I'll still help you bury 'im. The docks'll work, it en't too visible under there. Who'll look under the docks anyways? C'mon," she said, climbing down.

The close proximity of the water set her on edge, but she waited for Sayana and assisted her in getting down if she needed help. The half-Dhani could understand the guilt Sayana felt, and as such refrained from asking her if she really, really wanted to bury the child underneath the docks. Out of sight, out of mind.

She turned her thoughts back to the matter at hand. If the child had been full-sized it would've been far more difficult to cover him up, but digging a grave big enough to hold a body of his size was manageable. She grabbed a piece of driftwood and lifted it, pulling stones out of the way.

"You're fairin' lots better than I was, Sayana. You're one strong woman, one o' the strongest I know. I admire you. It en't easy, losin' a child," she said as she moved rubble and stone around to widen the shallow hole. Her 'accidental' injuries were beginning to hurt, especially the more recent ones. She had to wrap her arms around some of the things she was moving, and that stretched the skin around the cuts and pressed into bruises.

The squire grunted as she hefted a larger stone out of the way. "If you ever need to talk about it just find me an' I'll listen. I wanna help as much as I can."

[Sayana]

Sayana took the half-dhani’s offered hand and jumped down from the edge onto the ground right next to the dock. The water fairly close but there was still enough land and rubble to bury the small bundle. “Strong?” She asked quietly. That was the last thing she was feeling. She was feeling weak, vulnerable, guilty and ever so lost. Her treasured little one was gone. “Thanks,” she spoke half-heartedly but there was a sliver of genuine gratitude in her tone.

As the squire began moving rocks and rubble out of the way, Sayana took a deep breath and began to help. A stone. Another stone. A piece of driftwood. A stone. Asen seemed to be straining under the heavier ones while Sayana simply moved the smaller ones out of the way. The Eypharian used her low arms for the task while keeping the baby held tight in her highs and mids.

“Asen, how long did it take to feel… better?” Sayana finally asked. “I couldn’t get anything done today. I didn’t feel like dancing. I can hardly stay in the same room as Aren. I can’t look at him in the eye and I only speak when necessary.” She took a long breath before attempting to describe the onslaught of emotions she felt. “I… I feel lonely, but as soon as I’m with people I want to leave.”

The hole was getting bigger now. Sayana glanced a couple times at Asen’s hands and arms. Had the stones done that? But she was in little condition to think rationally. “Asen, did he… what happened to the man you were with? You’re not with him anymore.” It was something she feared. She loved Aren, despite all of this. Yet she was no longer herself around him and she was afraid of what might happen.

The hole seemed to be big enough now and Sayana carefully cradled the babe before placing it down, blankets and all into the hole. “I think… maybe a few words? I wanted to name him Serend. My little blue jewel.” She felt at a loss. She didn’t dare open up the blankets to face the shrivelled form of her child. She knew that often words were spoken at funerals, but this soul, he hadn’t even begun his life. He hadn’t even met his brother who would eventually share his mind. There was nothing. So much hope but nothing.

She reached for Asen’s forearms to grasp as another bout of emotion racked through her. At least the other woman kept her feeling more grounded when her soul wanted to drift and abandon the immense despair she still felt. “What can I say for him?”

[Asen]

Asen glanced over at Sayana. "I don't remember how long it took. It was a long time ago, but I do remember that it wasn't fun. I remember just wantin' to lie around in bed all day, wantin' to just sleep an' not wake up until the hurt went away."

She kept moving stones and driftwood until the Eypharian spoke again. "He didn't really come 'round after I got pregnant. I mean, he'd visit a little bit but aside from that... It was a one-night stand, but he felt some kinda responsibility for it. I think he was happy to have kids, he just didn't wanna deal with the woman bearin' 'em. I guess I just wasn't feminine enough for 'im," she sighed.

Once the hole was big enough she let Sayana have her moment after the baby was laid down. A few words would settle her thoughts, hopefully. Serend... That's a good name. If only the child had lived long enough to wear it proudly.

The half-Dhani pulled the woman close as a hand wrapped around her arm. She hugged her gently, one of her hands placed on the back of Sayana's head. "I dunno what you can say for 'im. There en't much to say. He lived as long as he could 'fore Dira came for 'im. Woulda been nice if he lived a bit longer," she said, the last sentence becoming a whisper.

If Sayana had anything to say she would let her speak before beginning to cover up the body again. She avoided placing heavy objects -- chunks of rocks and smaller pieces of wood -- over the child so he wouldn't be crushed completely. When the body was covered she stepped back, wiping her hands on her pants. She wasn't a funeral-goer by any means. She had no real experience with them, and for that she figured she was lucky.

[Sayana]

Where Asen had felt like lying around all day, Sayana could hardly stay in one place. It was as though if she kept moving, going anywhere, would help get her away from her sorrows. Though the success in that was debatable. Sleeping… yes, she could see how sleeping might help. It was sad to hear that the half-dhani’s mate at the time did not seem to care much. Sayana still had Aren and yet she had hardly wanted to see him. It was as if her own grief was hard enough to bear herself and she couldn’t imagine his or any judgement he might have.

Sayana welcomed the embrace but it seemed that Asen was just as lost for words as she was. The Eypharian took a long slow breath as she closed her eyes. “He was strong, I could feel it. And there was so much hope like a golden light. But something must have happened and he wasn’t strong enough, or I wasn’t strong enough. Serend… I wish you a better life in your next. One that you can enjoy and flourish in. And I’m sorry I couldn’t bring it to you.”

It took her some time to speak all this since occasionally her voice wavered but it seemed to bring her some peace once it all was said. She gave a slight nod to Asen and the squire began covering the bundle with small stones and drift wood. Sayana helped with handfuls of sand and pebbles. At last it seemed to be all covered and buried.

Now what was she to do? It all seemed so final and yet the pain hadn’t gone away. At least when she had the body she knew she had to bury it at some point. Now she felt lost. She was living one moment to the next and none of them seemed to be getting any better.

As she was lost in thought, her eyes gazed upon Asen’s scratched and bruised arms. Her thoughts changed from sorrow to concern. “Asen, how’d you get all these? It wasn’t from the rocks was it? They weren’t that sharp…”

OOCFeel free to lie on the last question. I just thought I'd give you some opportunity to play out that part for Asen.

[Asen]

Asen's heart gave a wild and mighty thump as the six-armed woman's attention turned to her arms, and more specifically the self-inflicted injuries the bore. She immediately tugged the sleeves of her coat down to hide them, her mind racing to come up with an excuse.

"I- Uh, you see, I- It en't serious. Just some cuts," she said, looking away and out to the water. "Trainin' accident or somethin' like that. No big deal, promise. I was practicin' with my spear an' the tip got too close."

She was a terrible liar. The half-Dhani's story was pitiful and full of holes. Fairly evenly-spaced cuts on the inside of both of her forearms, and she claimed it was a spear? She coughed uncomfortably and edged past Sayana. Her long limbs pushed her back onto the pier where she rolled across the wood before standing and turning back to help the would-be mother.

She may be trying to hide her injuries, but she was still polite enough to assist a bereft woman back onto the docks. She didn't want Sayana to do what she herself was planning. Two bodies would be enough, and she doubted Aren would be able to handle the pain of his lover -- wife? -- joining the ranks of the dead alongside a former lover and his stillborn son.

"So if that's all, I'll be goin' now," she murmured, eager to make her getaway. The squire subconsciously pulled at her sleeves again to cover the wounds that lined her arms.