So... I know I don't get serious too often and I don't usually share personal information on here. However, there is some stuff going on in my life that has been taking it's toll on me for awhile and I want to share with you all so you know a little of why I've been somewhat absent.
Some of it people already know, so I'm not going to explain it. But there is another part that I haven't discussed, with anyone. Not because I'm trying to be distant or aloof or not be personable... but because it's really damn hard for me to talk about. I've been needing to get it off my chest for awhile and I don't want to keep talking about it over and over, so I'm going to put it here. If you want to read it, read it. If not, then don't. I don't want to talk about it though. Other than to get it off my chest, the biggest reason I'm putting it here is so if I'm threading with you and I happen to disappear for a little while you'll understand.
So my dad, my superman and hero, has been very very sick for the last year. This is the man who rescued me and my sister from a really hard life. He raised 3 girls and my brother (a big troublemaker) on his own while owning and running two businesses, by himself. He always managed to make time for us no matter what though.
Last year about this time the thing I feared most happened. He had a stroke. This was one of my biggest fears because my Grandma was paralyzed and then later died from having multiple strokes. This was only the beginning. To the doctor's amazement his body and brain bounced back quickly from it. Two weeks later he went to my cousins wedding and you wouldn't have ever known that he had a stroke that had him in the hospital, paralyzed. He was up walking and doing life as normal.
After the stroke, small issues began to develop. He started to have testing done religiously and they couldn't understand what was causing him to have dangerously low iron or internally bleed. Then suddenly, he was okay again. It was a roller coaster.
After that we had a few good months, but he'd started to lose weight, fast. He dropped at least a 100lbs. He didn't even look the same. Physical therapy and a cane became necessary because he had no muscle. He developed blinding pain in his eyes and hallucinations. Again, the doc's couldn't figure it out. There were many, many other things going on to, but there are just too many to count.
The amount of doctor's appointments and medicine he is on is ... it's a lot. They've recently found that he has Lupus, arthritis in his eyes, has small seizures often, has a gene that is causing blood clots in his lungs and may have a brain tumor. This is on top of the rheumatoid arthritis that he already has and constant daily pain.
Despite all this he still goes to work, he doesn't mention the pain he's in and he's still pretty happy. Most recently my sisters and I took him to lunch to make plans for his funeral arrangements, property and businesses once he passes. Talk about tough. It's not something you ever want to do or think about, but we know it needs done. He knows it too.
This coming month we'll be moving him out of our childhood home to a rental home near my sister and her husband, who are both EMTs, so they can respond quickly in case something happens.
Mostly after all the hospital visits, doctors appointments and what have you.. I just want to spend time with him. As much as I can. I can't explain the amount of gratitude and love that I owe him. I went through some seriously tough stuff growing up and he was always my rock. So... I'm slowly losing the one person that I knew I could always rely on. The one person that would always be there for me no matter how much crap I put him through. The one person that loved me unconditionally.
Damn it sucks. Bad.
