S
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I don't know why at times but when the sun sets on my busy life and the house is engulfed by quietude. I bath in the silence and reflect on my life. Memories from the past cascade over my tired mind and I drown in nostalgia and the solemn and bittersweet. The black waves of my childhood and teenage life surge on the surface of my consciousness and I—below it all—sink into the depths of my current and abysmal life and self.
Long ago, in a distant time, there was a girl I liked. It wasn't a full-on crush maybe it was just a smush—not yet love—but great, budding affection. I never got to see her face, nor the luxury to hear her voice. I don't know her real name, only what she called herself online. But I knew all her interests and what she liked and disliked, thanks to six years of conversations that started in the morning and continued until we both slumbered on our keyboards.
We both were junior high school nerds; big time anime fans and self-proclaimed, professional writers. That most on those young, anime role playing forums usually were. In our friendship, we always sought to annoy and outplay each other just to see who was better at what and for eternal bragging rights. Which at the time—in our naive minds—had more worth that one-thousand gold ingots. She was very good at games while I was very adaptable and improved after every first or second loss. A recipe that resulted in many rage quits, trash talking, cheating, and laughs.
One time we got into really heated argument about something I no longer remember. I do recall not talking to her for two weeks and avoiding her whenever we and all the other clubs members gathered online to chat. Then it became too much to bare, we couldn't continue walking the path that we did. And we confronted each other, spoke and then I tried singing "Starting Over" by Killswitch Engage but I was too shy and chickened out. So we listened to the soundtrack and other makeup songs for the rest of the night.
Friendship restored...
In my final days of high school I grew bolder, taller, and dumber. We both had busy jobs, yet we continued to talk even while in an absolutely tired state: when cognitive and writing skills were down by ninety-five percent. Nothing changed then I confessed, forgetting that any ounce of love I show anyone or receive from anyone results in their and my immediate misfortune.
She rejects me...
[-My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed.
Dried up and bulging out my skull.
My mouth is dry; My face is numb
F**ked up and spun out in my room-]
" Brain Stew " lyrics by Green Day
Thus, I'm thrust into a realm edgy, cringy individuals called the friendzone. But for me it was just another dark day sparking the end of another bond.
Suddenly, I felt like the forum I've logged onto for years was too small. It had become too cramp for a body that had radically changed. I stopped appearing in our club, ceased activity and disappeared without a word. Life consumed me afterward, helping me forget rejection and the associated depression by introducing me to utter doldrums and destitution.
All that remained was darkness: hatred that consumed generations, blood feuds, envy, murder, and lastly—the occult. Nothingness, friendless, bondless, broken and patched together with bile and rotten sticks. Writhing in it all, I failed to overcome and lost.
I wish I hadn't been so weak back then.
Long ago, in a distant time, there was a girl I liked. It wasn't a full-on crush maybe it was just a smush—not yet love—but great, budding affection. I never got to see her face, nor the luxury to hear her voice. I don't know her real name, only what she called herself online. But I knew all her interests and what she liked and disliked, thanks to six years of conversations that started in the morning and continued until we both slumbered on our keyboards.
We both were junior high school nerds; big time anime fans and self-proclaimed, professional writers. That most on those young, anime role playing forums usually were. In our friendship, we always sought to annoy and outplay each other just to see who was better at what and for eternal bragging rights. Which at the time—in our naive minds—had more worth that one-thousand gold ingots. She was very good at games while I was very adaptable and improved after every first or second loss. A recipe that resulted in many rage quits, trash talking, cheating, and laughs.
One time we got into really heated argument about something I no longer remember. I do recall not talking to her for two weeks and avoiding her whenever we and all the other clubs members gathered online to chat. Then it became too much to bare, we couldn't continue walking the path that we did. And we confronted each other, spoke and then I tried singing "Starting Over" by Killswitch Engage but I was too shy and chickened out. So we listened to the soundtrack and other makeup songs for the rest of the night.
Friendship restored...
In my final days of high school I grew bolder, taller, and dumber. We both had busy jobs, yet we continued to talk even while in an absolutely tired state: when cognitive and writing skills were down by ninety-five percent. Nothing changed then I confessed, forgetting that any ounce of love I show anyone or receive from anyone results in their and my immediate misfortune.
She rejects me...
[-My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed.
Dried up and bulging out my skull.
My mouth is dry; My face is numb
F**ked up and spun out in my room-]
" Brain Stew " lyrics by Green Day
Thus, I'm thrust into a realm edgy, cringy individuals called the friendzone. But for me it was just another dark day sparking the end of another bond.
Suddenly, I felt like the forum I've logged onto for years was too small. It had become too cramp for a body that had radically changed. I stopped appearing in our club, ceased activity and disappeared without a word. Life consumed me afterward, helping me forget rejection and the associated depression by introducing me to utter doldrums and destitution.
All that remained was darkness: hatred that consumed generations, blood feuds, envy, murder, and lastly—the occult. Nothingness, friendless, bondless, broken and patched together with bile and rotten sticks. Writhing in it all, I failed to overcome and lost.
I wish I hadn't been so weak back then.
that would explain her lack of parents.