by Sorian on January 6th, 2011, 5:10 pm
Does anyone need a good shrink? I need one badly.
Allow me to start this worthless shit of a post with a question. Where is the love in all this shyke, this life? Where is the joy and good vibes I've been wanting and needing? There is no joy in what I do now. Everything is heavy, as if there was some damn ghost hanging round my shoulders every time I have to trudge along to do what I need to do. I see school as a perfect hell now; almost every face I see reminds me of the inner demons that I can't seem to overcome, the breaking dam I am holding back desperately, and the idiosyncrasies that make my life so fascinatingly dumb.
I've become so ragged inside that nothing, absolutely nothing has gone unaffected. My perceptions, my misconceptions, my emotions, my half-hearted truths and bald faced lies. My family doesn't seem to understand me, as they are too busy picking on my faults and my lack of time for them, branding my long work hours as ones spent on gallivanting around. And even if we are together, we are a shoddy mess, often roaming around malls with a parade of negative emotions spewing out of our mouths like some chimneys on fire. Thankfully, nobody has died from the turmoil which we have been experiencing, but somehow I feel like I'm the one closest to the grave or something.
My friends are far away, busy with their own little worlds. Of course, a man has to go his own way, but this is where the drinking buddies come in handy. They are often trapped in their own obligations, unable to wriggle free of their responsibilities like we were able to do back in high school. It just breaks my crap thinking back on how carefree and merry I used to be with these guys, before all this real world bullcrap started raining down on me.
My professionalism, my work ethic, my desire and my calling have all gone to shit; I entered this practice teaching with so many grand visions for myself and for those (once figured would be) lucky enough to come under my wing. At first yes, it went all hunky doy; we all got along great. I got no problems with my own first year students, as they all still affectionately listen every time I have to peddle my oft-blown up skills, like some damn pufferfish that needs to spike someone with poison. But now I see most other students as hindrances and obstacles to be overcome rather than challenges to be met head on. I've probably regressed into the role of a bloody coward, hiding under the pretext of being a student teacher in order to make sure that I am scot-free from the blame.
Then, the big one. The most blastferrific issue of all for me. The most important girl in my life, my beloved, works and studies with me in the public school where I teach. We have almost the same routines, the same schedule; we see each other everyday, I take her home everyday, we eat together, we go to all sorts of place together. What's wrong with the set-up? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yes, we are often the talk of the town and the object of speculation for both teachers and students alike, but we don't often mind because when things are friendly and cordial we both enjoy the praises and attention.
But everything seems so twisted and so stupid now right. See, the students she handles everyday, senior students, to be precise, can't keep their fucking mittens to themselves. She is a thing of beauty, especially in our nice uniforms, and I can understand that they are just bonkers over her. But this is where the understanding shatters into a thousand freaking pieces, and goes over to the point of insanity. They go absolutely crazy about her, flirting with her all over the place, professing puppy-dog, lust driven, stupid and naive love even though she is a teacher and they are mere cretins far beneath our feet. She doesn't egg them on no, but it infuriates me how she just laughs at them while they continue to grovel and drool and beg for her to let them court her in front of my face. What doubles the pain is that she isn't even my girlfriend to begin with; I am just another hopeful in a sea of faces, and it disgusts me how sometimes I can see myself sinking deeper and deeper into that ever-expanding sea.
One of the yellow tags in the dividing line between a paid teacher and a student teacher is this: we get to interact with the students in a more comfortable way in a more leveled field because our ages are closer. Truth be told, I too am very comfortable with my own students, whom I actually adore. But whenever I see her students surrounding us like a pack of mangy dogs, whenever I hear them whistle like voyeurs every time we pass by, whenever they holler out to her and call her out across the corridor, at the same time doing so without even acknowledging my presence with any sort of greeting, I tend to devolve into fits of helpless rage. As a teacher, I can't really profess the intense loathing I feel towards them in public; it is too unethical, too unprofessional, not to mention it endangers my graduation aspirations. All I can do is grumble and fester in this grudge which is threatening to spill out into the open. As a student and a man, however, things are starting to shift towards the desire to use of brazen fists rather than words. Needless to say, nothing has been broken yet, human or object, but I can feel it growing inside. I can feel the loathing, the disgust, the tension, and most especially, the stress brewing like some Sahovan devil's concoction. Now my head feels like its about to explode most of the time, my heart suffers from high blood pressure readings, my arms feel like they're weighed down by stone, and the motivation and sprightliness I had in my late-2010 steps had changed into a dragging, flat-footed, slouched bodily movements. I feel sleepy, tired and tense all the time, almost cursing the days and seeing her as the only sort of saving grace I have in an otherwise cruel reality.
This has been dragging on for some months now, and I can't take it anymore. Perhaps this is extremely stupid to rant about, as it showcases all the issues I have: jealousy at its finest, insecurity at its greatest, rage at its most silent and pathetic. But I don't have enough money for a psychiatrist, and I need an outlet.
I can offer only one very succinct explanation why I am so intolerant of other hopefuls: that is because I desire to be the only 'hopeful' left in the world. You see, I am a victim of circumstance. This girl, no matter how close we are, would never take me for her man. Why? Its simple, really. She already has one, far away in some place called Los Angeles, California, another dumb immigrant hoping for a better life somewhere other than home. But before you start thinking of all the stupid attributes which one can heap on a desperate fool like me who is madly in love with an already taken woman, let me dish out some things for consideration. The guy is a) never coming back to the Philippines; b) has a family that disapproves of said girl; c) has absolutely no balls whatsoever; and d) is so fucking average he just seems so poor. I sometimes have to wonder what in the blazing fuck the guy did to deserve his good fortune, but alas. Fate is simply served with but a few condiments when it comes to me.
Long distance relationships are stupid for me, and I feel that no one can deny this. Sure, it carries a feel-good-ish story with it every time you get to hang out with your friends ("Oh hey, I'm a loyal girl/guy because I can maintain a LDR despite all the guys/girls hanging round my ears left and right" and all that shit) but the fact to the matter is, this is simply choosing to be blind to the better things around you. You can definitely say that I am doing the same thing, and I admit that I am quite hypocritical in this regard. But so what? I couldn't care less if I am being unfair to myself or to others. I am a selfish, arrogant guy, and some smirking part of me is proud of that. I despise the world; I am a teacher-to-be and continuing to feel this way cripples my vocation, but somehow I remain disconsolate and unmoved. Its like I don't give a damn anymore, and while it makes me fear for myself, it makes me want to hurt others more.
I suffer from terrible luck, my friends. Although I see all sorts of shitty stuff happening in the world around me which I can definitely deem to be more bad luck-ish than what I am suffering, I tend to think of myself in a darker shade than anyone else. How can you possibly think of the world when there is such an immaculate amount of construed emotions inside of you? In fact, how do you actually escape this, so you can continue thinking of the rest of the world?How do you hold on to your wits when so many damn people are trying to file in line to usurp your precious moments with the most important person in your life? How do you avoid being so sick and tired of what you see everyday when you have to take it all in for the sake of what you HAVE to do? How do you solve this kind of problem on your own? So many lingering questions, and not one answer to show for it. How does luck play a vital part in all of this? I haven't found enough of it to give me a break from my daily chores in order to think things through. Yeah, lame excuse, but its the only one in the sleeve.
I try to communicate with myself, to see what I can do to save myself from all this confusion and role-eschewing shit I'm feeling. I can't. I just can't. Its been buried under a pile of things that make me wanna puke, roll over and die. I am a fighter, but I am sick and tired. In fact, I am so sick and tired that I can't even explain myself in full detail anymore. How do you explain this kind of emotion through a blog? Can you, really? I guess I can't, because its hard trying to find the right words to say that can justify these stresses.
To sum all of this up, here is a real crappy formula: Selfish, angry, bitter, jealous, envious, sick and tired + confused, hopelessly devoted, helpless, suppressed, repressed, depressed, regressed and stressed = ME.
Well, like I said, I need a shrink. Dear MIzahar, sorry for this excessively stupid post. If you find this distasteful, shameful or anything else with a 'ful' suffix in tow, please be forgiving.
(NOTE: I'm SERIOUS about this.)
