by Sairque on February 3rd, 2011, 11:27 pm
Because he loves me.
The beads didn’t seem so impressive, like little bits of color that had been taken from the world and condensed so tightly they had solidified, in the ape’s big, soft hands. They were soft. Sai stared at them. Those big dull, soft hands had defeated her. Made her cry. They were soft because they were loved. Addy’s hands were soft. Addy was loved. No one loved anyone in the whole mountain as much as Sai loved Addy. Though the thoughts zipped along concretely, they were words that belonged to others, to the kind hearted Dek that cared for the twins. Sai didn’t know love, it wasn’t something she could point at within or without herself. She knew that Addy needed to have help with her bendi. To smile, she needed to be given a reason. She needed to be included in the roving posses. But still her mind continued on down this path. Pressed back against the stone wall, having divested herself of any responsibility regarding the glass work, Sai pulled her eyes away from the weak hands and to her own. They were smaller, bony, but they were hard. Because he loves me. Being loved meant being soft and useless. Crying over having a few strands of hair cut off. Sai kicked at the locks beneath her feet. Addy wasn’t useless. Her opinion of her adversary conflicting with her knowledge of her sister brought another scowl to her face.
Mind lost in the puzzles no seven year old mind would ever be able to grasp beyond the black and white, the simple and straightforward, the warbled appreciation faded into the noise of the warren faded into the moments the ape spent in thought afterwards. Sai would never know the balefully ground out attempt at manners, the effort was wasted on the scamp. But the practice wasn’t wasted on the Ape. Sai remained, at the site of her defeat and in the company of a dumb ape, because leaving while her face was still red and puffy would mean explanations. A big soft girl hit me, was not an option. Abruptly, that girl was hovering near her, right off her shoulder and Sai’s pale, narrow face turned up, still scowling. At first, she had thought that the girl had fished her own knife out and was making good, but with one hand curled up, unknowingly holding the beads, and the other sifting through her hair, there was clearly no threat. The fear in the girl’s body wasn’t visible to her and she stood, face furrowed in a wary frown, waiting.
She didn’t want the girl’s beads. But there they clinked when the morally balanced child stepped away. Emotions warred within her again, too many spinning too furiously to be identified, much less by a seven year old. Her face collapsed again, tears leaking from her eyes—the only way so many indistinct feelings could find expression. Well, of course, they all got channeled into something Sai could handle. Anger. There was something wrong. She didn’t understand why the girl did what she did. Nothing with this girl lined up into her simple linear logic. She's so dumb! “You don’t love me,” pointed out in a flat shout, not the cry for love that it could seem. “I’m not soft! I’m not useless!” In a flash, Sai whirling on her companion, confused fury accented by the unwelcome glass works, the knife was in her hand again. “Here’s your stupid payback,” she squeaked, throat closing at an unfortunate moment. The blade flashed and the lock of hair so bravely approached and then artfully decorated separated from its brethren. She threw the hair, light red in her youth, and attached beads at the girl’s chest. She wasn't soft. She wouldn't cry over lost hair. The ape wanted hair back, she could have Sai's. Triumphant, she waited for a few long moments, letting her victory seep into the girl.
She spun away, bumping into a burly man that grunted at the intrusion before she slipped between his legs and got lost in the crowd.
"Oneday I wished upon a star
And woke up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me."