Some Quality Girl Time [Nehsmay]

[Nidassasyae]

Spring 1 Nida lay sprawled by the fire, stretching luxuriously. She was tired. Bone tired. The heat from the crackling flames seeped deep into her body, soothing her tired muscles. Day after day, the ride took its tole on the group. But there was more than simply exhaustion that contributed to Nida's current silence. The Kelvic's eyes remained steady on her sleeping Bondmate, then slowly shifted focus. Staring at the surrounding forrest in obvious terror and fright, then moving towards her Vantha friend. Nehsmay. When was the last time they had talked? Really talked? In this brief moment of lucidity, Nida's thoughts turned from her Bondmate. Ever since they'd met Sel, Nehs and Nida had been slowly drifting apart. It hadn't been apparent at first. But the Bonding had only hastened the process. The Bonding, the Sacrifice, the... Well, Nida blushed to be thinking of that. Slowly but surely, she'd been pushing Nehsmay away. What had been so important to her, Nehsmay's safety, now only came in second to her Bondmate's. Nida had enough grace to feel shame at that. The Vantha, her 'sister', pushed aside? No. No, she couldn't do that. They needed to talk, to become close once again. And Nida needed to ask questions. Questions about Nehsmay. Questions about what was normal in a human relationship. Questions about what exactly this odd tattoo-like thing on her neck was. But it was harder now. Nida wasn't the same, and neither was Nehsmay. They'd changed over the course of their adventures. But dramatic and tumultuous changes had taken root deep within Nida's mind. The seeds of madness. Her speech, actions, thought patterns, everything was different. Slowly becoming more paranoid by the day. "Nehs?" murmured the Kelvic, looking up at her friend. "D- D'you think we could... talk?"

[Nehsmay]

Nehsmay stood next to the fire, her knees brought up to her chest and her head lowered slightly on them. Her red ridding dress was sprawled all around her, the edges tattered and thorn, clearly having seen better days. Her eyes were aching due to lack of sleep, their crimson color dull and glassy. She believed she ran a slight fever, but the herbs her mother had given her lessened it considerably. She wanted to get to Endrykas as soon as possible and rest. Find something comfortable and just lay there and sleep three whole days... that sounded so nice. The trip had changed her... she was no longer the naive and eager girl who had left Taldera and Avanthal seeking adventure and wanting to see the world. She found herself missing her home more often and yearned to be back in her Hold. But she kept going because she promised herself sh would not falter. She had seen death in the eye and did not flee from it, so she would not flee not. Still... she felt lonely at times. Her friends were spending more and more time together and she felt herself pushed aside. She tried to quench the feelings knowing well that a Bond like the two had surpassed any bonds of friendship and she shouldn't feel jelous. And Nida was changing slowly, but surely. Nehsmay had seen it in her friend's eyes. She looked scared, almost haunted as if something would spring from the shadows at any moment. When she heard her friend's voice Nehsmay rose her tired eyes to meet the other's glance and smiled. Talk... it seemed like they hadn't talked in such a long time. "Of course we can. You needn't ask, Nida!"

[Nidassasyae]

Nida nodded nervously, letting a small smile appear on her pale visage. Tentatively, she moved to sit beside Nehsmay, her eyes frantically scanning the darkness around them. The brief respite from the constant paranoia was fading. "I'm sorry, I never get to talk with you anymore," she sighed softly, biting her lip in shame. "I mean, with Sel... I just... I don't know. S'like I'm with you, but not." The Kelvic shook herself, as a feline might if they were attempting to rid themselves of a wet coat. Nida wrapped her hands around her stomach, as if trying to hold herself together. The ever present fear had dug itself deep within her gut, coiling and twisting like... a snake? No, no it couldn't be a snake. She squeezed her eyes shut in denial, not letting herself believe that perhaps Seliarus was the cause of all this. A worm. Yes, she could compare it to that. Nida had so many questions, so many things that she wanted to ask. But she couldn't talk about Sel with Nehsmay yet. Even her disrupted mind could see that that was probably the last thing Nehsmay wanted to talk about. Nida knew she'd have to ask Nehsmay these questions at some point, as there was no one else that she trusted enough. The Kelvic did trust her Bondmate, but he was definitely not someone she could talk to about these things. Later, perhaps. Towards the end of the conversation. "How are you, Nehs? Really, are you alright?" asked the young woman, her now-normal broken speech pattern was temporarily lifted as the paranoia had taken a break. There was no need to spew out the words, for fear that if she said them too slowly, the conversation would distract her from enemies. From Them.

[Nehsmay]

The question flew passed Nehsmay's head and the Vantha frowned. How was she? Was she even the same? She didn't actually knew who she was anymore... she was confused, tired and her desire to find Shade was growing each day. The nightmares in which he died haunted her even more often and she felt that somehow they would become reality. However what she didn't know was whether she would make them come to pass or her absence would. "I.... I really don't know." She sighed "I'm changed... I'm not even sure how I changed, but I'm sure I'm changed. It's like a wave of darkness fell over me in these parts and I long to reach Endrykas as soon as possible. And the nightmares are getting worse, I don't know why I never had them before. But that being put aside I'm ok. You however seem to have a lot on your mind. Care to share a bit?" Nehsmay sighed and looked at her friend... the wilderness was eating all their nerves away because of the wolf incident. Even Shade, a mere horse, was restless and almost shy although he had gotten away unscated then.

[Nidassasyae]

"We all change. Change always comes. Seasons of it... changing. But they never change. We do..." Nida muttered, the words tangling with each other, weaving into a steady stream that made no sense. Truth and jibberish, that provided a glimpse into the jumbled mind of the paranoid Kelvic. The lucidity was all gone. "The nightmares grow stronger," nodded the young woman. "Farther from Avanthal, darker the dreams. You scream for 'Shade', but not the horse. The Kelvic. The one who is gone. You spoke of adventure, but you are searching... for him? Searching for the Kelvic?" Nida shook her head, as though trying to rid her mind of some thoughts. "And when you find him, if you do, what then? Would you Bond with this Kelvic? Would you give up a part of your mind, your control, just to have him close to you?" Her voice escalated, but remained quiet enough not to wake Seliarus. Nida's eyes grew feverish and wild, the blue irises expanding, the whites of her eyes were gone. She was dangerously close to losing it, to shifting. She was dangerously close to doing what it was that she feared most. Putting her friends in danger. "You know nothing of this! It consumes you, leaves nothing left. You're gone. All gone. You feel the need, the want. Do whatever you can to please them, because it stops the pain. And in your heart, you know that you love them, but it's not entirely you. No, it's not you. It's the Bond. And it's them, inside you, emotions controlling... Not all yours... But you can't leave," She didn't realize that the 'normals' part of the Bond wouldn't feel this way, that even if Nehsmay did Bond, this would never happen to the Vantha. She didn't realize that, perhaps, it was only happening to her. She leaned closer to the Vantha, almost threateningly. "It just takes and takes. And you've got nothing left, no more you." She extended her hand, then clenched her fist, as if squashing some small and insignifigant thing. "And it's not the Bondmate, not really. It's them. It's the Bond. And there's nothing left... and they laugh. There's blood and claws and ashes- " She stopped, scrambling backwards away from Nehsmay. Even through the mental haze that influenced her every action, love ran deeper than that. Realization swept over her features, painting a picture of utter horror and fright. No, Nida couldn't hurt Nehsmay. The thought of that caused a shocked pain deep in her gut. "It's not supposed to be this way. Not supposed to. No," the Kelvic whimpered, pulling her knees to her chest and hiding her head in her hands. "Weak... too weak. Can't- but I have to. Too many things wrong. Too many things right. Love, Chevas Mark, Avanthal, Shade, Nehsmay... Seliarus. Wrong, all wrong. Don't know anymore." Her voice was hoarse with fear and restrained tears.

[Nehsmay]

Nehsmay shook her head in sadness and tears silently ran down her face. Now she saw how jumbled her friend's thoughts are, how much lucidity was gone from them. They had all changed and everything happened because of those cursed wolves, damn them all, may Morwen freeze them in undying blocks of ice. And now her friend was tormented, lost and who knew how she could turn her back. And Nehsmay knew, it was her fault. When the topic regarding Shade came, she bit back a bitter cry. She wouldn't Bond with Shade because he didn't want that. But he would perish soon, she was sure of that so she wanted to find him. However her primary concern was not Shade now it was Nida. She had to help her. Therefore she didn't flinch nor draw back when the Kelvic came dangerously close. Instead she soon and watched and when her friend drew back she launched towards her and rather forcefully hugged her and glared furiously at her friend. "Listen," she said, her voice deadly low and scary, in a way Nehsmay had never been before "You need to forget them. The claws, the blood, the ashes, the cries... I hear them too, every night. I see arrows flying and death all around me, but I do not succumb to it. I know I'm not alone. Do you? Why must you think you have to protect us all? Me and Sel? Because you're bigger? More powerful? I don't need you to protect me. In fact I'd hate it were you to get injured trying to protect me. Take care of Sel if you must. It's bad enough for me I'm putting you both in danger." Sighing deeply Nehsmay let go and returned to her place facing Nida. Her crimson eyes were no longer dull, but burned with determination to help her friend.

[Nidassasyae]

Nida shuddered as Nehsmay hugged her tightly, as if the Vantha's arms around her somehow scared her. Too close... Not because of her concept of personal space, but because within the recesses of her mind, she knew how broken she was. She knew how close she was to losing it, to shifting, and endangering the Vantha's and Dhani's lives. The Kelvic didn't know what to do with that information, instead simply locking her arms around her legs, not allowing herself to move. But the deadly low voice of Nehsmay shocked her into looking up, to listening. She'd never heard the Vantha like this before. Nehsmay was bright and cheerful, who endured hardship without complaint. She was the most lovely person Nida knew. But the Kelvic had never, never, heard her speak like this. The voice that was directed at Nida spoke of shared pain, and was tinged with vitriol. Was this Nehsmay? No, she couldn't answer that. If she did, then she'd be forced to ask herself the same question. "Alone... Not alone. Never alone," Nida shook her head vehemently. "I made a promise, Nehs. Follow you to the ends of Mizahar, sister. Protect your blood at the price of my own. You don't need me? No one needs me. Maybe Seliarus and his silly 'love', need me. No need. Don't know anymore. Know nothing, not here, not now." "I should leave. Go. Far away. Don't look back. But I can't, it hurts. Too much. I wish I could, but I can't. Is it love? Don't know what love is. Does it hurt? Because this hurts. They make me hurt. Siku help me, I don't understand." Nida looked up from her hands, meeting the burning crimson gaze of the Vantha, pleading, asking for an answer. "You don't put us in anything. We come because we would stay with you. Stay. But you move, so we move. Changing, always changing."

[Nehsmay]

Nehsmay drew closer to Nida wondering who she had really become. She had never, in her life been bitter and angry, but this road, this place everything was eating her away. She needed to escape, to run and never look back. Somewhere, at the back of her mind, the old Nehsmay waited to come back, but till then she was trapped in this confused state. "Nida you are my sister in all but blood. I care about you and it tears me to pieces to see you hurt. Don't you understand? It's not that I don't need you, it's that I need you too much to see you slip away. Will you not talk to me? Tell me what's wrong." Nehsmay bid back another sob as she watched her friend's shattered state of mind. Her fault, all her fault. It would have been better is she hadn't taken Nida from Avanthal with tales of adventure and seeing the world. She was to blame for all this madness... "What hurt Nida? Who are they?" Nehsmay was openly crying now, not even bothering to hide it. "You have to talk to me, otherwise I can't help you. Relax... we're safe now. If you want to we'll stop. Stay in Endrykas for two years ignore the other parts of Mizahar." Thinking back to Shade and the love that was still deep for him she added. "I'll even tell you what love is if you want me to."

[Nidassasyae]

"It's never safe. Never. But we can't stop. No. We can't. Find Shade, can't stop," Nida mumbled, shaking her head. She skipped around the questions, answering them in no particular order, and certainly not following the order in which they had been delivered. "Everything hurts." Her frightened visage froze in consternation, seeing the tears fall freely from the Vantha's jewel-like eyes. No, no, NO! This wasn't right, this wasn't right at all! Nehsmay didn't cry, Nehsmay endured. But there were tears. This was crying. Why was she crying? But Nida quickly determined the cause of the tears. Herself. Her whole attitude suddenly changed, her protective mechanism snapping into place. The paranoia wasn't gone. It could never be completely gone. But the intense sadness and hate had been bushed back by a deeper need to please, to make sure everything was alright. Tentatively, the Kelvic reached out towards Nehsmay, gingerly threading the fingers of her right hand through Nehs'. "Don't cry. I'm sorry. Love, what is love? Don't cry."

[Nehsmay]

Nehsmay felt Nida's fingers between her own and grasped the Kelvic's hand hard. She needed to stop crying, she was stronger than that, she had survived a heart disease she wasn't going to be put back by a small depressive state. Grabbing her bag with the other hand she took her salts and inhaled deeply, the strong smell making her eyes water even more. She was disturbing Nida... she had to stop. She inhaled powerfully and furiously whipped the tears away with her sleeves. "You don't have to apologize, it's my fault." Nehsmay said sadly then looked Nida square in the eye and told her. "I will not lose my sister for a friend that abandoned me. I do not need to find Shade. Whenever, wherever you feel it is safe to stop and remain there I'll be more than happy to do so. I've seen enough adventures." She chuckled, a soft shade of pink swirling in her eyes as she saw Nida had relaxed a bit. She wondered why it was so hard for the Kelvic to grasp the concept of love. Even animals loved, she had seen it with her own eyes: mother hares tending to their young with the same devotion and love that human mothers did. Clearly they loved their young and possibly Nida's mother had loved her. Was it different for leopards, because they were more solitary? Nehsmay didn't know. "Love is..." Nehsmay stopped and frowned. How to put it? She placed her other hand over her heart and showed Nida. "Love is in here." then she spread her arms and pointed everywhere around her. "And in the wind... the sun... even the rain. It is something you feel. Love is sometimes sweet like...a... juicy piece of deer?" Nehsmay tried comparing it to something Nida liked, but didn't know if she managed too well. "Love is sometimes forgetting about yourself and giving it all for the ones you love. But there are many ways to love a person: one can love his siblings in a fraternal way, or a friend in a platonic, non passionate way. And there is that true love thing stories talk about, where you think only about your other half. But truly you must feel yourself what it means to love. You know hate, you can understand it as well as it. Love is just its opposite." Nehsmay stopped and looked at her friend wondering if she managed to get through to her. The Vantha didn't mention love hurt; she didn't talk about the feeling of being ripped apart when the one you loved was a selfless bastard nor of the feeling of dying inside when said selfless bastard fled. Shade had lost his bondmate to death and Nehsmay knew there would be no other for him... still it damned hurt even in the present time. And it made her angry.