The Threads of Spring (Hadrian)

[Kendall Saarinen]

It had been a rediculous reason to cry and Kendall had known that. He felt ashamed of who he was. He felt as though there was something wrong with him. He might have been able to cry it out and try to clear his mind but someone had stepped into the fitting room. He fear Kendall looked up to see Hadrian standing in front of him. "Hadrian..." Kendall had not expected him to hear him crying. In fact he had been trying to be quiet enough where Hadrian would not have taken notice. He did not want Hadrian seeing him crying although he was a little bit comforted by his presence. "I'm sorry Hadrian..." Kendall was unsure of what else to say. He did not think that telling him that his reflection had pushed him to tears was a good or sane excuse, even if it was the truth. Before he could utter an excuse to why he was bawling in a fitting room he felt the tears coming back again. He bit his thumb trying to stop the tearful display but he couldn't. On top of seeing what he had become Hadrian had seen him crying about it. After a few chimes Kendall attempted to take a deep breath although it seemed like more of a series of stuttering breaths. Sniffling he looked up at Hadrian. "I'm sorry. I... I saw my reflection. It still bothers me a bit." He could not think of anything else to say besides the completely blunt truth. "I know it is strange I am just not used to looking in the mirror and seeing someone besides... I girl who I was." He couldn't look at Hadrian. He felt like a fool. "I know I shouldn't cry but I can't help it. I just miss being myself." He laid it all out for Hadrian even if he didn't want to. He needed someone to hear what he was locking up inside. He was scared about how Hadrian would take it though.

[Hadrian]

Hadrian stepped up close, his finger held up to quiet the unnecessary apologies. A faint mist began to swirl around the tip of that finger, res appearing so diffuse that it seemed to manifest out of the very air. But Kendall might have felt the gentle tug of pseudo-magnetic magic as his res pulled the very tears from Kendall's face. "Give me your tears," he said softly, almost a whisper. "Not your apologies. It's all right. Everything's going to be all right." He hugged Kendall to him, closing his eyes and remembering the girl that had been there before, though the girl would never have let him hug her. It was difficult to juggle his feelings on the matter: concern for Kendall's pain; happiness that they were getting to know each other; excitement over a problem to solve. The path was laid out: learn to Morph; teach Kendall to Morph; get Kendall back in his -- her -- original shape. Of course, Hadrian often had difficulty in empathizing with the actual experience. Hadrian took Kendall's face in his hands. Another lad would've shoved his hands away, but he knew that the soul within that body was conditioned toward a certain paradigm of femininity. Not the only one, but a specific one. "You are still yourself. Your shape has changed. But think of it this way: adversity will make you better, stronger, more yourself. Would Ivak have blessed you if you were just a literature student marrying some insufferable shykehead Vantha? Would you have met and befriended Sondra, Cathan... me? I refuse to see this as an evil thing. Yes, I know it is difficult and I can't know how difficult because I'm not living it, but look at what you have gained, and remember that there is a way to change your body back even if you don't swap back with whomever stole the original. You can learn to change your shape back to what you were, or into whatever you want. But you'll remain essentially you..." Still holding that face between his hands, his own intense gaze bore into Kendall's like drills, searching for acceptance of what was said. And then he was kissing Kendall. He could not have said exactly why.

[Kendall Saarinen]

It was a bit surprising to feel the tug of the tears on his face. His eyes looked up to see Hadrian's magical touch pulling them away. Absent mindedly Kendall's hand came up to his face, wiping away the tears that were not there. He felt like he was falling apart but then two arms wrapped around him, pulling him back together again. Kendall felt safe in Hadrian's arms. He was still scared and the tears still fell but he was in someone's arms now. He continued to cry as he listened to the sound of Hadrian's voice. He could not help the stream of tears anymore. He had been been holding it back and diguising it as anger and insecurity but now it was no longer hidden. He held Hadrian close hoping that he would keep his fear at bay. He didn't want to be scared, he just wanted things to be normal again. He was tried of feeling lost in his own body. Kendall wanted to believe what Hadrian was saying. He wanted to think there was some reason for what happened to him. It just did not make sense why it had to happen. Kendall shook his head that was still burried in Hadrian's shoulder when he brought up Ivak. "No... I don't think he would have. I am happy that I met you... and Cathan and Sondra. I just feel...rootless." He tried to make the situation make sense in his mind. If Ivak had something to do with his drastic change why did he make it so incomfortable and painful? Staring into Hadrian's eyes, Kendall was washed over with an unknown feeling. He had never looked directly into his eyes. He had admired them from a standing point across from him but he never had the direct eye contact. Ususally Kendall would shy away, not letting anyone look into his oddly mismatched eyes. He did not feel the need to. In fact, he could not look away. It was not until Hadrian's lips had touched Kendall's that he was even able to close them. He felt emotion surging through him. This couldn't be happening. There was no way. This was Hadrian. He didn't even look at Kendall directly until a few moments earlier. It was happening and Kendall was not going to try and analyze it. He left his student mindset behind and let his emotions take over. He kissed back, feeling the pain melting away as the reality of the occurance was starting to come to him. This was happening and Zeltiva, Kay'lan, and that terrible night could not have felt farther away. Maybe this was why he had decided to stop in Syliras before heading to Ravok. The Gods may have played against him in Zeltiva but maybe Ivak was giving him something here with Hadrian. After all, Kendall had found Hadrian at Kova's well and fire had caused them to go to the Elegant Weave together. "Thank you Ivak." He was a bit scared that Hadrian might pull away if he moved or tried to take a breath. He felt something in the kiss that he had not felt since before his accident. He felt calm even in the rush of emotion. He did not want to lose it. He was not sure how much longer Hadrian would keep his lips on his and if this was the spur of the moment he wanted to make it last.

[Hadrian]

Rational thought was shunted off for the moment or he might have pulled away, a torrent of reasons why he shouldn't be kissing Kendall at that moment in the dubious privacy of a fitting room lost in a maelstrom of emotions. This one was not in touch with his feelings, but they ran deep and they ran strong. What he felt was a mass of things, and his brain was not functioning well enough to analyze them, but surely an Azenth would feel them, perhaps get swept up in them. When he wasn't pushed away, but was instead encouraged, he all but crushed Kendall to him with surprising strength for such a lanky frame. It was his first "real" kiss. But finally his mind caught up with things and he did pull away, just slightly because he wasn't sure he would ever see Kendall's face from less than an inch away, sharing breath, searching for meaning in those eyes. "I... hope... you aren't offended..." He couldn't say he was sorry, but the roil of emotions was slowly being pushed back down to where he could repress it as he normally did.

[Kendall Saarinen]

A feeling was nudging at Kendall while his lips were locked with Hadrian's. A feeling of passion seemed to awaken the flames on his wrist, urging him to hold Hadrian tighter. The mark could not tell him where the emotions stemed from but the hands around his body were proof enough. This wasn't a mistake or a lapse in judgement. Hadrian had meant the kiss. Someone wanted him even though he was stuck in some foreign body. He felt Hadrian's desire to continue and Kendall had no issue filling it. He had wanted to be this close for so long, he just never thought the day would actually come. But just like that, Hadrian pulled away. His face stayed close, almost urging Kendall to lean forward and try to lock lips with him again. Instead he just gazed into those blue eyes, getting lost in color. They remained unchanged, just a steady beautiful blue. No shifting purple, just blue like the waves, like his water. Kendall's eyes looked back in Hadrian's begging for him to kiss him again. Just for him to know that he wasn't dreaming. "You did not offend me at all. In fact... you could kiss me again if you wanted." He hoped thar he would. He wanted to feel the calm again. He wanted to feel close to someone. This was warmer than Kendall had ever been with Kay'lan. In a way, their love had always been for show. There in the fitting room no one could see them. There was nothing to show except each other. Kendall could tell the moment of closeness was nearing it's end though. As Hadrian started to close off Kendall could still feel the passion laying dormant under emotional pressure. Pressure was supposed to be an Azenth's specialty and yet Kendall decided to let Hadrian close off. If that was what he wanted then perhaps it was best, at least for now. With an awkward glance Kendall looked from Hadrian to the shirts. "Um... do you mind telling me how these look on me?" Since the two had just kissed Kendall was sure asking for fashion advice would not be too out of the question. He pulled his shirt off and looked around the room for the blue one. Normally Kendall would have felt uncomfortable to be shirtless around someone else but with Hadrian he did not seem to mind. Kendall had no reason to be embarassed of his body. He was lucky enough to be put into a body that was somewhat well built, although a little pale skinned. He still felt the discomfort that a female would feel at being topless. Twenty-one years of keeping his chest covered had conditioned him to feel a bit of discomfort at taking his top off in front of others. Kendall's torso was quickly covered soon enough by a short sleeved blue shirt. He had never liked long sleeved shirts, even as a female. He knew that they were a nesessity now in order to keep the enemies of the Azenth at bay but he did not think he would ever get used to them. "Does this look good? I don't think I want to take my chances with the mirror again. Although I can't complain about the end result." His lips formed a shy smile. He hoped that the comment would not offend Hadrian.

[Hadrian]

Kendall's permission made Hadrian's cheeks flash red, and looked down, suddenly bashful after his moment of audacity. Likely his behavior confused the Azenth, for outwardly Hadrian had reined himself in, regained control, but underneath the surface where only an Azenth could sense it, great pressures shifted around. The moment stretched out so exquisitely, one might have called it painful, but just when Hadrian was plucking up his courage to kiss the young man again, or perhaps to kiss the woman hiding underneath that flesh, Kendall turned away. Was his answer flippant? Was he manipulating Hadrian into feeling this way? There was a precedent for Azenth magic pulling feelings out of people. But no, Hadrian would believe the best of Kendall unless proven wrong. "Oh," he said stupidly when Kendall began to change, longing to reach out and touch that pale skin, just to know what it felt like. He quickly picked his own clothes back up off the floor where nerveless hands -- or, rather, hands that only wanted to hold Kendall in that moment -- had dropped them, bunching them up and holding them in front of him. He could not change in front of Kendall, not after a moment's intimacy was marred by confusion and second guessing. He did not have the other man's sense for emotions and could only rely on his rather faulty understanding of human nature. "Yes," he said, then cleared his throat. "Yes, it looks good. It brings out the one eye, and makes the other more interesting. It matches the rest of your coloring too." All that work with auras had given him a new understanding of color theory, he had found. His own, more drab selections were geared toward highlighting he face so people would look him in the eyes. Swallowing, he stepped up close to Kendall, whispered in his ear: "You should stay with me tonight... I..."

[Kendall Saarinen]

The feelings coming off of Hadrian were a bit distracting to say the least. It was not that Kendall was not open to his emotions. He was overjoyed that Hadrian was returning the emotions that he had been hiding. He found it distracting because he wanted to act on Hadrian's emotions. The more he supressed them the stronger the emotions seemed to radiate from his body. Kendall wanted to release the pressure but he couldn't without Hadrian being willing to let it go. Kendall looked at Hadrian, longing to be close to him again. He looked flustered as he was grabbing his clothing off of the floor. The feelings of passion that Hadrian was giving off were starting to mix with a bit of confusion. Kendall didn't want him to worry although there was not much else he could say. He wanted to let him know he shouldn't worry but even he knew that talk like that never stopped a mind from racing. Kendall would have to take Hadrian's word on the shirt. He trusted him but more so, he didn't want to look into the mirror again. Although Hadrian had saved him from the panic it ensued before he did not want to try it a second time. He did not have much time to ponder over it as Hadrian moved closer, whispering when he got close enough for only the two of them to hear. A shock ripped through his body as he worked over the words. Hadrian wanted him to spend the night? Kendall wanted to say yes. He wanted to keep getting closer to Hadrian. He placed a hand on Hadrian's shoulder as he whispered back. "I would like that Hadrian." He was blushing as he spoke even though a small smile played on his lips. As he moved away from Hadrian he looked down, trying to hide the blush that lit up his face. His eyes moved to the clothing clutched in Hadrian's hands. "You can try the clothing on if you want. I mean... we are already in the room." He worried his words were coming out a bit awkward. He did not want Hadrian thinking that he was asking him to undress in front of him. In a way Kendall hoped Hadrian would undress although he would not admit it.

[Hadrian]

Hadrian shivered at the whispered words there were all but a promise. Grinning like a fool, he looked bashfully away, but when he suggested Hadrian too try on the clothes he had selected, his face turned a bright shade of crimson. It was only fair, though, and perhaps this was a challenge. The only thing was, Hadrian was rather sure that anything about him physically would be less than impressive. But if his mind was the prize, then he supposed he shouldn't worry too much what he looked like. Holding onto that thought, he neatly folded his selections and, daring only a quick glance to gauge Kendall's reaction, he began to pull his clothes off until he was bare from the waist up. He was not strong, but he was slender and apparently carrying heavy books and traveling had prevented him from being completely without definition, but he was even paler than Kendall and he paused before even picking up his clothes to try on, as if assuming that Kendall had meant to see what Hadrian had to offer, which wasn't, by his own estimation, much at all. With a strange sort of vulnerability, he glanced at Kendall again, expectant of some sort of negative judgment, but craving... something. He knew not what. There was an abortive attempt to speak and, once he had gathered himself, a more successful one. "What should I try on?" he asked, though it was closer to a whisper than anything else.

[Kendall Saarinen]

In truth, Kendall had not expected Hadrian to actually take him up on his offer. He thought at most he would have shot the offer down with a simple answer as to why he didn't need to try on the clothing. As Hadrian began to pull his shirt off Kendall could feel his heart racing. The skin that was hidden underneath was even more pale than Kendall's own yet he felt drawn to it along with his slender frame. Although Kendall liked a good muscular body he could not help but feel the need to get closer. To know what his skin felt like against his fingertips. Kendall gave Hadrian a small smile before moving closer to him and bending down to pick up the shirts he had chosen for himself. They were such drab colors. "You know Hadrian, you would look really nice in some color. Especially blue. It will bring out the color in your eyes." That beautiful blue color hardly needed assistance to shine but he could not help the curiosity of what Hadrian would look like. Unfortunately Hadrian had not picked out any blues. Kendall would not let his thought go to waste though. He pulled the shirt he was wearing off and held it up against Hadrian's body. "Try this on. It was a little big on me anyway. It will look really nice with your eye color." His wording was starting to get a bit feminine although his voice stayed as masculine as the first day the two of them met. As he held the shirt up to Hadrian's body he placed to fingers on his chin, tilting his head down so Kendall could get a better look at his eyes. His skin felt cool against Kendall's warm fingertips. "You look... beautiful... er, your eyes look beautiful, you look handsome." He couldn't take the urge to kiss Hadrian again. His lips were so close. The passion was still there. It was just laying in wait below Hadrian's icy surface. Kendall needed to let the pressure go. Not just in Hadrian but in himself. Dropping the shirt to the floor a warm hand grasped the back of Hadrian's neck as Kendall took his chances on getting a second kiss, hoping that the emotion bubbling underneath Hadrian's cold exterior was not locked down too tight.

[Hadrian]

Hadrian couldn't tear his eyes away from Kendall's to look at the shirt, which a sliver of his consciousness considered and approved of as future clothing. He had seen it on Kendall, and knew that the color would heighten the blue of his eyes, but that was hardly important now. Kendall, on the other hand, was. And Kendall was pulling him close. Hadrian allowed this, wondering why this could not have happened years ago in Zeltiva when Kendall had been a pretty girl and everything could have been perfect. But then Kendall was kissing him and everything was perfect, or as close to perfection as he could imagine. Then again, he could hardly imagine just then for his mind shunted off again, a golem's function loop broken and malfunctioning. The clothes dropped out of his hands and he grasped at Kendall again, too wrapped up to be embarrassed of his body's reaction now obvious between them. His abandon came mostly from a surety that this couldn't last. Nothing good ever did. His forward lean turned into a stumble and then the weight of his body was pinning Kendall to the back wall of the fitting room, the mess of their discarded clothes all about them. That internal pressure continued to build, the burning boil of emotions threatening to spill over or explode, but all he could think of was the taste of Kendall's mouth and fragments of some poem he normally would have remembered verbatim. Something about it being better to be a cistern that contains than a fountain that overflows.. Now he wasn't so sure he agreed.