[Aidara's Scrapbook] It's Real For Us

[Aidara]

"Books are a uniquely portable magic" -Stephen King The Important Bits Name: Julie, Jules, Anything you'd like Age: 24 Sex: Female Status: In a Relationship Nationality: Swedish, mostly. French, English and a wee bit of Scottish. Born and bred in the US though. Location: Rhode Island! (Yes, like in Family Guy. Yes, it's a real state. No, it's not an island off of New York.) Likes: I LOVE animals. I'm an Animal Science major, and I plan on spending the rest of my life catering to the creatures that we, more often than not, treat better than our own human families. I love boys. I also love girls. If you cuddle me, I turn into lovable mush in your arm. I love red hair, and I plan on stealing Levi and marring him. What I Expect: I'd go so far as to say that I am a happy person. Most of my posts will be happy and filled with ridiculously cute animals and/or boys. Feel free to share your ridiculously cute things and I will love you forever. Be nice, because this is my happy, ridiculously cute space. Be mean in your own scrapbook. I have been meaning to make a scrapbook for a while. Instead, I just ended up spamming the "Who are you?" with all of my photos and the little things I wanted to share with everyone. It was actually as I made yet another post in that thread today that I decided to finally just suck it up and make my book. See, I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. So, that means my book has to be pretty, with headings and titles and pictures, and with everything exactly where I want it. But that is far more exhausting than it sounds. It's a lot of work trying to be perfect. I know it is like fighting a losing battle, but I cannot accept any less from myself. Which is why I have procrastinated making one of these so far. Everyone else's are SUPER PRETTY, and I am completely useless when it comes to Photoshop and I mostly beg Paolove if I need anything. I'm also procrastinating my studies or doing anything that closely resembles work. So heres to perfection and procrastination! The two things I am consistently plagued with, and yet I somehow manage to get everything done. Despite all my struggles and futile grabs at perfection, I will never achieve the levels that my Amanda possess. Not only does she never do anything wrong, but she has her own theme music upon entering a room, and an angelic beam of light is cast upon her head from a halo of clouds every time she steps out of doors. My new goal in life: Be like Amanda. Or at least be able to polish her running sneakers. And to end on a good note: Something Cute.

[Aidara]

100% chance of rain all day, with thunderstorms likely in the afternoon Aka: My favorite kind of day. But the reasons behind that are for another rant. More exams. It seems like they are never going to end. Midterms don't really exist, considering there is practically a test every week in one class or another. Professors just like to put more weight and material on the one in the middle, just to see how stressed they can make their students. 'Cause, y'know, learning is clearly all about how well you can take a test. This would be a good time to point out that I absolutely suck at test taking. I can know the material backwards, frontwards, and sideways... but from the grades I get on tests, one would think I had a mediocre knowledge of the subject. Between college and my family life, I've barely had any room to breath this spring semester. A lot of family drama has developed (not the bad kind that would go on reality TV, but the death kind) and with my work load.... Stressssssssssss. The drowning in the ocean metaphor comes to mind. No matter how hard I try to stay above water, the waves just keep crashing in over my head. It's very exhausting to try and stay positive. I try and force myself away from pessimism. I've never been a pessimistic person and in light of what is going on in my life, I don't see how bouts of negativity could really do any good at all. So, I took a couple unannounced, extended breaks from Miza. It was a poor choice, in retrospect, but the past is always clearer than the present. I'm sure I am not the only one, but my mind does a funny thing when I get too overwhelmed. I shut down socially and become an extreme introvert. I sleep a lot and do my best to completely avoid anything that would make me even more stressed. This means my studies slack, my friends fall by the wayside and I do hardly anything at all that I can file under the "personal enjoyment" category. I think by the time it gets to that point, my brain is trying to shut down or shut out anything and everything in an attempt to protect it's self. Depression runs in my family, and though a surprising number of people view depression as a weakness of body and mind, that's far from the truth. Just a slight change in the flows of the chemicals in our brains can trigger the onset of depression, and many of us are forced to live with an abnormal chemical balance that only medicine can fix. Long story short, I've had my ups and downs. I've done the lock-myself-in-my-room-for-days thing. I've done the sitting in bed, eating nothing but junk food because it tastes oh-so-good thing. The hardest part is always cracking open the shell I build around myself and stepping back out into the "real world". And, ironically enough, that includes Miz. I said above that it was stupid that I shut myself off from Miz when I start to feel like I'm drowning. For some reason, it just makes sense in my brain at the time to take away even the things that are enjoyable. My mind turns all the what-if's over and over, weighing them to see if the enjoyment is worth the possible risk of being overwhelmed. What if I do too many threads at once? What if my RP partner gets irritated that I'm taking more than a day to respond? What if people see this not-so-bubbly side and decide they don't like me anymore? What if someone new comes along, and I'm totally replaced? What if my writing starts to go downhill, and no one wants to play with me? Typing it all out, it's easy to see how stupid those thoughts are, and how unimportant the problems that could be raised by those scenarios would be. But there they are, the reasons that I left and came back not once, but twice. This is all very personal, and it has taken a big step for me to even open up the scrapbook and type this all out. Some will think I'm shallow, foolish etc... But I'd like to say I'm not. If you've never had to struggle through a massive life change caused by the loss of family or something similar, or if you've never fought depression... you don't know. Maybe depression turns me into a shallow person, caring about the stupid things WAY more than I should be...but I still don't think that's the case. Long story short, this is me breaking down the walls I built up and trying to open back up to the things that I enjoy. I still have my bouts where I think about having to post, or write something, or create a new location in Miz and it makes me want to give up and quit. But I won't. I can't. I need this. Everyone needs an outlet.

[Aidara]

In the process of digging through my desktop and cleaning out old saved documents from semesters long past... I found one of the very first short stories I'd EVER written. What a gem. Here it is- bad grammar, spelling errors and horrible punctuation all intact. "But -I- don't think I deserve this! I did not do anything TO deserve it!" The angry yell reveberated along the stone corridor, echoing painfully into the rooms that opened off it. A few heads poked out of the doors, curious to what the commotion was about. Footsteps followed the yell, and a gentle tug on the latch brought the door swinging shut, denying the evesdroppers that wandered towards them. Muffled shouts were all that could be heard. The voice was that of a girl of teenage years, not yet having turned the page into womanhood. Screeching her innocence, the girl continued to stride towards the rooms only other occupant, her father. With arms flailing wildly, as uncontolled as her temper, the girl effectivly cornering the man, not only with her body but her words. "You KNEW that I was curious. You KNEW what I was! Why would you keep such a thing from me?! All these years? And you never told me? WHY?! Have I not proven myself to you? Do you still ask more of me? What do I have to do?! What DID I do to deserve this childish treatment?!" With green hues flashing, the girl stood panting, her anger sucking the energy right out of her. "Liselle, Honey, calm down, your going to make yourself sick...-" A concerned wisper was all that came from the man, extending an arm that was intended to guide his daughter off her feet into a nearby chair. Laugh lines creased the corners of his mouth and fanned out from his eyes. His skin was tough, as worn from the elements as his calused hands were from a hard lifes work. Dispite his intimiating nature, a softness filled his chocolate hues as he gazed upon his daughter, also with a pang of sadness and a frown that laced his lips. She was the apple of his eye, and it hurt to see her so upset. "Oh? So NOW you can tell me what to do? So I'm not old enough to know about WHAT I REALLY AM, but you can still boss me around?! I see how it is." With a stubborn glare, Liselle crossed her arms upon her chest, locking eyes with her father for only an instant before turning away, blonde locks swinging to shadow her face. With an irriated cross of her legs, the girl then turned and offered him a cold shoulder and a pout. "Yes, dear. You do have magic. And I am sorry that I hadn't told you sooner..I didn't think you were ready..but apparently, you think otherwise..." A heavy sigh, one of regret and wearyness, and her father turned toward the door, his hand on the cold knob before he added. "I am sorry..I love you, 'Selle. You'll always...well..nevermind.." A twist and a swish and he was gone, the door slowly clicking back into place behind him. A snort came from across the room. Liselle still had her back to the door, arms still definatly crossed, her leg bouncing in an irritated way. With a growl of frustration, she lept to her feet, and began pacing the room, her hands locked tightly behind her back. "Ugggggh. Father! It's not good being ANGRY at you if you arn't even HERE!!" With one last stomp of her foot, Liselle stopped her pacing to take a nice slow, deep breath to calm herself.."Not ready, indeed..I'll show him..." Clearing her throat, as if ready to give a speech, the girl strightened, her shoulders snapping back, her chest puffing out. She -could- do this. And she would. Just like she'd seen all the other mages doo, Liselle closed her eyes, and clasped her hands before her. "Reach my inner self.." Spoken aloud as she did so, Liselle lost herself in the quiet of her mind, plunging into darkness as she sought for her inner core. For the magic she was told was there. Ever since she was young, she wished and hoped to be a mage one day, and sat the hours away in the hall, watching, fasinated, as the mages practiced, studied and honed their abilities. She'd heard them whispering of their inner cores, and their magic. Liselle had always felt something..different..there, and now she knew what it was. Her power. Dipping deep within herself, her breath became steady and slow as she sought what she wanted most. Just a litte further...She could feel it..but it was getting awfully dark..Just a little bit more... Liselle stumbled backwards, wacking her head on the wall and falling to the floor. She had felt it! The painful jolt that was her mind hitting her magic, caged up behind a wall in her mind. Determined and headstrong, Liselle was not about to give up. Gathering her might, she bashed her inner self against that wall, waiting impatiently for an opening, just a small hole...anything. In the far corners of her mind, Liselle felt herself gasping for breath,slowly loosing strength; her energy having already been sapped up by her prior argument. She'd have to give up soon..But then, there it was! Again, she could feel it, the tingle of magic in her veins. Invisioning a hand, she plucked at the thin thread, delicatly drawing it from the darkness of her mind, into her concious self. It was hard, tedious work, and for someone as unexperenced as she, very dangerous. Though anyone with the right information could reach their magic..controling it was a whole nother issue. "Yes!" A cry of triumph and Liselle returned to herself, invigorated by the feeling that washed through her. Wild, unbridled magic pounded in her veins, bringing her victorious shout up short. Falling to her knees, Liselle threw her arms around her head, gasping now in pain. Her head felt as if it was going to explode. She had to control it..she had too.. "Daddy...!" A whimper and Liselle curled into a ball, despretly trying to collect her thoughts. She had to stop this. An angery crackling reached the girls ears, along with a hungry hiss. Green hues, void of anything but pain, slowly halted on the table at which she had sat but hours before. It was alive with fire, flames greedly licking at the old, dry wood, spreading slowly throughout the rest of the room. In her throws of pain, Liselle must have unbalanced a candle, causing the disaster. Staggering to the window, she threw the latches open, clinging to the window sill as she continued to try and ward of that pain that still seared through her body.."Daddy..." A soft whisper was all she could manage now. Out side, birds took flight, ready to be away from the thick smoke that now poured out the window. That was it! Frantically, Liselle focused her attention on a falcon as it winged it's way across the sky, towards the sunset. With all the energy she had left, the girl haphazardly shoved her mind into the shape of the bird. With one last howl of pain, as her body condenced, feathers replaced flesh, and her bones lost most of their weight, Liselle launched herself into the night, her terrible crys echoing into the night sky. And she thought she was ready.

[Phoenix]

Thus ends the week prior to the week of hell. It's with mixed feelings of anticipation and dread that I start the weekend. Simply, because I have an exam that I missed due to scheduling issues, and no idea when the professor is going to let me take it. And then another huge exam. Not really the biggest of deals, but I guess it's just the waiting that is making me anxious. It's all memorization though, so I should do fine. I can memorize well. Other than that, I've decided to start trying to eat better. Not a diet per-say but just cutting out all the crap from my life. Like, eating a boring turkey sandwich instead of feeling the need to have something "super tasty" and getting fast food, which I know is horrible for me, and eat anyway. I'm also determined to walk more than a couple miles every day, and maybe run. But it's hard to run while holding two leashes with dogs on the other end who want nothing more than to just break free and run. I can't wait to have my OWN puppy. The dogs I frequently mention are my parents dogs. It's not the same. It just isn't. PICTURES! His life is so hard. Gunner has serious spoiled-dog-syndrome, but he's just so darn cute I can't help but take pictures of him. Sophie gets excited and just HAS to bring whom ever excited her a shoe. But then when you try and take it from her, she runs away. Grumpy Baby. A lot cuter than she looks in this picture. She follows me everywhere and sleeps with me at night. However, if I try and roll over or move my feet out from under her, I get some serious claw action. A cute green frog that I simply wish I owned. Oooooooooh, so artsy of me. Turbo And some of the colors I'm going to use when I try and tackle making a quilt of my very own. Cross your fingers, cause I suck at sewing.

[Aidara]

Three hours is about all the studying I can do in a row, before I need a break. In the past two days I've studied for more than 15 hours for one exam on the 21st, and I still have two more days of studying to go. Not to mention today I had to suffer through a presentation that was worth 50% of my grade. Ahhhh. I hate talking in front of class. Not because I'm shy, and I don't really get nervous. But because my face turns red. No matter what, my face turns red. And then I LOOK like I'm all upset, and it then makes me self-conscious. Oh, stupid complexion. Also, found out today my boobs make a perfect shelf. My cat wanted my attention and totally just laid down on them, preventing me from seeing anything directly in front of me. So, that's good news.

[Aidara]

Success! I think I did really well on my exam. I know I got one wrong answer, because the teacher asked who the author of the textbook was. What a lame questions. At least I got all the ones that mattered correct. It's a nice feeling of relief now that I have all that out of the way. The only thing left to do that effects my grade is one final on the 6th of May. And then I'm DONE. I can officially start packing for California after that, and a nice weekend jaunt to New Hampshire for my best friends Birthday shortly after my final. So who want's me to visit as I drive cross country to the west coast?! I cook, clean and I love animals. Sometimes babies love me and I'm just super darn cute. I should put out an ad and see if I get any takers I can tell I was subconsciously stressed (if that is even really possible) because once this exam was over at 11:30 this morning, I have been SUPER motivated. Especially to write, which hasn't been the case for a long time. I have been having to force myself to write for the past couple months and I think the quality of my writing has suffered because of it. That being said, I got a ton done today. I finally posted for Addy's date with Sira (I had to get rock-climbing information from Amanadaface) and I worked on a few of the descriptions for Wind Reach that I had been putting off. I also started my solo-take-over of the Infirmary and revived an old thread that had been abandoned once one of it's participants disappeared. OH! And I made up some more shops for the super awesome market thread! Still to-do: Infirmary thread Reply for Ronin's thread Amon's thread Pointy thread with Mike Grade some stuff Placeholder threads with Amandaface Market thread Descriptions -_- Well I thought I got a lot accomplished.

[Kelpie]

Girl, San Diego. DO IT. I'll be there end of May til end of July, well except July 1-4 cause I'm going to a convention in LA with my bff. BUT COME TO SAN DIEGO, WE HAVE OPEN AIR.

[Aidara]

I finally....finally finished The Market Day thread. Finally. It only took me like 7 hours today. Now I just have a couple threads to catch up on tomorrow, maybe start a new one or two and I can finish the rest of the descriptions! And then onto the Unforgiving!

[Phoenix]

I started playing Rift again, so there goes all my free time. I was buying cat litter, and practically writing my response to The Long Hunt when I saw'd this

[Aidara]

So, because of the nasty, blooming, flowery trees, my past couple days have been me just laying in bed comatose. I guess you could say I am lucky because I don't get watery itchy eyes with allergies, I just get extremely tired. So, during the second coma nap of the day, I had a lovely dream about our Jen. So it started out and we (me and 50 other people) were around a huge roulette wheel-type-thing. It had little flaps at the bottom and shoots leading down in front of each person. In the middle was 51 kittens. All bred by Jen. Who owned the random like, office/store/thing that we were outside of. And she sold litter boxes with patterns on them, and tissue paper to match each different pattern. So, all at once the kittens started trying to escape the little pot in the middle and sliding down the shoots to the people at the end. This was the kitten you got to take home. Well, my kitten got it's head stuck on the flap. I finally got it out and was going to take it home when Jen came up to me and told me I shouldn't because that one fell off the top of the roulette a couple times. I freaked out and didn't want a kitten who fell on it's head repeatedly, and so I ask her if she can help me steal someone else's kitten. Jen says yes. So she goes over to another couple, with the kitten that looks like a little tiny snow leopard, and distracts them by asking them a bunch of questions about where they are going to put their kitten, (While holding mine) what kind of broccoli they usually buy and then eventually pretends some big commotion is happening by the store, snags their kitten and leaves them mine We run and I hide in her office till the very angry old people leave. And then I get in my car (After Mish sells me a litter box from Jens office/store) and start to leave when the angry old people show up and start chasing me around trying to grab my kitten And then Jen shows up in a corvette(????) and we zoom off to safety. The end.