[Kendall's Scrapbook] Caught In The Crossfire

[Kendall Saarinen]

Warm and Fiery Feelings I'm going to start this little Scrapbook out with a poem that reminds me of Kendall. It always comes to my mind when I think about him. Please do not comment about the errors in punctuation. I am typing as it was written by Travis Bryant. Save The Boy By Travis Bryant i had to do something with the loose ends so i tied them around my legs i saw patience in the water as i gazed in deserving do much less as i sank the noise and colors left my head in perfect clarity i'd missed nineteen years old when numb killed cold forever i wasnt gasping so tell them when theyre asking tell them what i said there was nothing left to do with the things left to prove so i gave up on them i couldnt save the boy who used to feel alive the boy who had his mother's smile he used to swim but we're losing him to the current With that said, welcome to my scrapbook. I'm planning on just posting my thoughts and poetry here. Also, I'll talk about ideas and plans for Kendall (of course). I have very few rules really. Just be nice and do not point out mistakes in my spelling and grammar. That is about it. Feel free to post in here. I would love to know what people think of my writing and me. Thats about it for now. I might add another post right after this to just talk about what going on with Kendall. Now Playing: Crossfire By Brandon Flowers

[Kendall Saarinen]

Waiting For A Beginning Its going to be my birthday soon. I guess that is a good way to start with scrapbook post. I am very excited although I usually do not do much for my birthday. I prefer to spend it with my family but next year I will be in college and I'll actually have spend it with people DX On a different note, I am anxiously waiting to start Kendall's adventure in Mizahar. I have a lot of ideas for him and I cannot wait to get them written down! Right now I am waiting for approval/denial my starting gnosis. I'm of course hoping for the best. I really hope I get it. I'm sure the gnosis is semi-evident by looking at the theme of my scrapbook. If you do not get it (which I'm sure you do get it) I am hoping to have Kendall acquire the Ivak gnosis. I have always thought the gnosis (and the God) was interesting. I really hope I get a chance to play as an Azenth. I cannot stop thinking about it and I keep checking the HD like a dork XD I actually had a dream last night that someone answered my application for the Gnosis and they were telling me that I was not fit for it. I was happy to wake up and see that was not true. I'm choosing to not read too far into the dream considering my dreams are always a bit odd. Now moving on to some discussion about Kendall. I had the idea for Kendall for a while but I never really put it into action until I found the picture on his CS. The picture is perfect for him. In truth, Kendall was never going to be blonde. He was actually going to have brown hair. When I saw the picture that is now on his CS on Deviantart I knew I had found the picture. You know how you feel when you find that picture that seems to be an exact photograph of your character? From there Kendall became a blonde and I started to work on his Character Page. It was a lot of work. There was really no one to compare his story to. As far as I know Kendall is the first person to have their gender changed. I originally had his gender changed by a forced morphing. I discussed it with Tarot and found out that forced morphing was not the best way to go due to the fact that it wears off after time. He suggested Animation so that is how Kenny got his current history. I'm kinda excited to write some of his history because I will get to write about him as a girl. It will be very interesting to play as Kendall. I can see it now. As soon as Kendall's gnosis situation gets figured out he is going to go adventuring with Jette. I am really excited to thread with her. She was actually the first person I ever spoke to on this site (although she was Hex at the time). So all in all I am excited to get this whole adventure started. As they say, good things come to those who wait so I shall wait Now Playing: "In The Air Tonight" By Genesis & "Santeria" By Sublime

[Kendall Saarinen]

Entering the Ranks It is official!!! Today I was accepted as an Azenth and Kendall now bears the mark of Ivak on his left forearm! I am so excited to finally play as Kendall and I am even more excited to play as a bearer of Ivak's gnosis. Since joining Mizahar I have always found the God of fire interesting. Originally Kendall was just going to be simple tranny man. I went out on a limb though and tried for the gnosis. I'm very excited I got it (as I am sure I have already said a bunch of times). It seems the longer I am here on Mizahar the more I love it. Things in real life are getting kinda… hard to deal with. Of course I can manage (don't worry). I just love that even when things get hard there is a whole other world I can escape to. Plus it doesn't hurt to be able to work on my writing. Anyway, I just wanted to post in my scrapbook with what is going on Here is to fun adventures!! Listening to: "Fin" By Anberlin

[Kendall Saarinen]

Digging Deep Although I try my hardest to keep the thoughts far away from my mind there is one thing that never seems to leave me. Well..., in truth there are a lot of things that seem to haunt my mind. Some more rational than others but that is not the point here. The reason I am writing is... I guess a release. I think these emotions have been locked in me too tighly for far too long. Do you ever feel like you are under pressure? Not like peer pressure or work pressure. Personal pressure. Like some thing is trying to ram past your defenses and it is taking all of your sanity to keep it locked away to make sure it doesn't bubble up. Or worse, burst out of you like some broken fore hydrant. Weird analogy, I know.  I'm very scared. After a while the emotions seem to shape you from their hide aways in the depths of your soul. Like they are starting to pull the strings. I don't know if they are shaping me or if I am just growing up. I am scared to release them or to even acknowledge them. I am somewhat secure with who I am right now and I don't want her changing. Who I am right now has been getting worse and worse though. I feel like each day around people at my school I feel more and more angry. I get panic attacks a lot. The emotions need to come out. So many of them. I am so afraid to let them roam. I'm scared if I think about them they might get stronger. I'm scared if I try to accept some of my feeling they will make me who I am or they would triple in size until they spell out all I am.  Some things are better off left in the shade. Maybe it will be able to come out sometime soon. There is a different story to tell here. One that I will have to be vague with just to be able to tell it. If I even get the courage to post it at all.  There was once a person who I valued more than anyone. Hell, I think I might have even loved them. I could tell them everything and anything and we were the best friends in the world. I was their crutch in a way and in return they listened to my inner thoughts with an ear that did not judge me. They did not make fun of my strange dreams or my odd thoughts. They just understood me to my core. Inside and out. I went out on a limb and put myself out there for them. That turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. Things were like a roller coaster for a while. First there was the big freak out. Then people calmed. Then things were really nice for a while. Then this person's birthday and I had bought them their favorite movie. That was the last time they looked at me kindly for a long time. We had been close. Maybe a little too close. The closeness that scares people. So they ran. Ran without letting me know they were leaving. It was like one day they were right there in my arms and the next it was like they had never existed. I called, texted, IMed, Emailed, everything short of stalking them to try to know why they just left me but there was not an answer. An entire summer went by and when school started again there they were. They spoke to me like nothing had happened.  They even found themselves a new person to love. They still claimed to he closer to me than anything but things would never be the same. The summer had torn me appart. They were so happy I was back though. They did not love me like they once did but they still wanted me to lean on and they will wanted to know all my dreams and thoughts. So I told them. I was angry beyond belief but they were back. They were so timid and I knew if I tried to tell them about how mad I was they would fall apart. So instead I let it brew inside me. It was like a storm. I closed off. I was not going to let anyone hurt me again. I dated again after them. The new person was kind and caring but nothing felt right anymore. I wanted closure to that terrible summer but I never got it. I just plastered smiles on my face when I saw them. I walked through the year with the anger I held for this person. I felt scorned and I had no one to turn to to talk about how terrible I felt. No one had known I had been with the person. They wanted to keep it a secret. By secret they meant they could tell anyone they wanted and I had to keep it to myself. This person was manipulative to the core but I never knew it until I stepped back and saw them for what they did. They strung me along really well. They told me they loved me and they kept giving me these promises of forever. It was completely and total bullshit.  They thought it was all just fun and games. They thought they would not leave a mark in my life. They burned a huge hole in it though. I remember crying to my mom about them and how they made me feel. I feel like she will never see me the same again. I feel like in a way I exploded over everyone I knew and some people came in contact with my secrets.  I don't really know what is going on anymore. I'm still very confused and I'm sure I will be for a long time. I'm having a hard time being myself lately. Hopefully I can get better soon.  Sorry if none of this made sense. I did not want to go into deep detail. Just enough to give a vague outline of my problem.   Thank you for reading.

[Kalasshmalah]

Aww Chesh....that's...well horrible what they did to you. I'm in a similar situation but I've never let anyone close to begin with. So I guess it would be like comparing a blind person from birth to someone that lost their sight >.<

I hope you find someone you can open up to again, and that they do not betray you so.

[Kendall Saarinen]

Music of My Soul I have been a little under the weather lately but one of the greatest things that has gotten me to be able to keep going (other than Mizahar <3) is music. There have been a few songs that have really helped more than others though. You know those songs the seem to wiggle their ways through your ribs and float around in your chest? The songs that seem to make sunshine in the darkness? Anyway, here are some songs that have helped me face the day ...The first one was "I Haven't Seen You in Years" by Socratic but I cannot find it anywhere. I'll probably add more when I can think of more. Thanks for reading

[Kendall Saarinen]

Thinking Back When I first made Kendall I messed around his model a lot. His face changed a lot until I found Luke Worrall. For a bit I was considering making him Mitch Hewer though. I still think to this day that Mitch Hewer fits him best and I really don't know why I did not stick with him. I think it was because by the time I was going to make him Mitch Hewer he was already threading with Hadrian who's model was in the same show as Mitch Hewer (They were both on Skins. Mitch Hewer=Maxxie, Hadrian's model, Nicholas Hoult=Tony). I did not want it to get too fanfic like so I tried to find a different model. This is not me blaming him for me not using Mitch Hewer of course! It was totally my doing. The more I think about it, the more I wish I would have just used Mitch Hewer anyway. He fits Kendall perfectly. Luke Worrall just seems to be missing something in my opinion. I feel like changing his model now would be a bad idea (although I really want to). Everyone sees him as Luke Worrall. What do you guys think though? Here are some pictures of Mitch Hewer. I personally think he fits Kendall better but lets hear your opinion. Anyway, there they are. I like him a lot because he actually smiles. Thanks for reading. *predicts no one will actually read this*

[Larina]

You predicted wrong, woman!

Kendall is your creation and no one else's. As such, you get to do whatever you think will fit and the rest of us will go along with your tweaks because you know him best. Personally, I like Luke Worrall as Kendall. There's something about his face and his mouth that are soft in a way that fits who he used to be. But if you think that Mitch Hewer fits your character better than change it! Kendall's your baby, and we want to see him as you do.

[Kendall Saarinen]

Not Myself The title and the song pretty much explain what is going on here in this posting. I have simply not felt like myself lately. I don't really know why. It all started about a month and a half ago. I'm guessing it is because Spring rolled around. I am not a warm weather person. It has always messed me up a bit when the Summer gets closer. It has never been this bad though. I have always gotten a little depressed and anxious but right now I just feel odd. I feel like I am not myself anymore. I can look back and know who I was but when I think of who I am right now, or at least who I feel that I am, I know it is someone different than who I was. I am probably just rambling right now. Usually I am very happy and positive. Lately I have felt extremely drained of emotion though. I always feel like crying and at times I feel almost as if something within me is ripping in half. I am constantly depressed and I feel like who I am is not who I am supposed to be. Writing here helps a lot though. It gives me the chance to be someone else. Everyone is telling me to just be the person I feel like I am becoming so here is to the new me

[Seven Xu]

Scrapbook stalkin'! Don't worry, be happy. I'm in a weird mood tonight so I can sympathize. I'm totally not a John Mayer fan though, you're on your own with that one. You offered a shoulder to cry on if I needed it, so I'm here to do the same! *strikes a pose*