Insecurities began to creep into the back of her mind as she idly traced a thick grouping of stars that stretched horizontally across the sky, looking much like a puddle of spilt milk.
Addy, although she tried her best to hide it, was probably one of the most insecure women on the mountain. Fear of failure, abandonment by her loved ones (especially her sister), and general inadequacy had plagued the majority of Addy’s younger years. Only recently was she able to overcome these shadows in her mind. Mostly because of how busy she had become, running the Infirmary as well as her Endal duties, but also because of the love she had surrounded herself with.
It was here, alone physically and tiny under the huge night skies, the fears began their slow creep back up her spine. Memories flowed unbidden into her conscious mind, ones that Addy had done her best to suppress. There was her various spats with Sai, physical and emotional fights that occurred between the two that she had done her best to forget. Then there was the dispute between Sira and Sai, with Addy stuck uncomfortably in the middle.
The biggest of the insecurities was the one Addy tried to bury the deepest. Her healing. This was the last to wriggle into her mind, and it soon had its hooks of doubt deep. Within the matter of minutes, her mood went from pleasant and idly peaceful to quiet, shrouded gloom. Her fingers languidly traced the outline of the single Healing Gnosis mark on the inside of her left elbow. Born with the mark, Addy questioned the Goddesses choice in her as a deciple. She had to have seen something in Baby Aidara, didn’t she? But what was it?
With only one mark, Addy was hardly a healer at all. Flesh wounds, headaches (she silently cursed herself as her mind stumbled across this realization. She could have cured her own headache in a matter of minutes), bruises and some poisions. And that was it. All those things that were deadly to a being were beyond her skill. And so, as a teenager, Addy had submerged herself in Medical literature in a desperate attempt to make up for what innate skills she lacked. It did some good, but the herbal practices she implemented in the Infirmary in place of her gnosis was mediocre at best. She could be better, much better. “What do I have to do?” Addy whispered at the sky, her eyes lighting upon a swirl of stars that looked strangely like the mark on her arm. She focused on this, her thoughts directing to the goddess Rek’keli. The healer knew that the gods and goddesses walked among them in the mortal world, but there was something about the enormous sky that made the concept of addressing a faceless god easier, especially since she had never met Rek’keli Despite the Inartan’s fierce loyalty of Priskil, Addy was hardly religious. How was she supposed to address a goddess, chiefly when she was just whining? So, she told the sky this.
“I… really don’t know how to do this. I feel kind of dumb. If anyone were to come along, I think they would think me crazy, talking to myself like this.” She paused, trying to choose her next words carefully. When nothing came, Addy decided that her only hope of getting things off her chest was to just let it out. She doubted the goddess was listening to her anyway. In the 23 years since Rek’keli had marked her, Addy had only made a handful of attempts to contact her.
“I don’t know what to do. Well, I do know what to do. I know how to be an Endal, Sai has shown me that, and I’ve grown tough enough skin that I am not a push over. I know how to walk, talk and eat. I know how I am going to supply for me and Sira, and our family if that ever becomes a possibility. But my healing… that’s what I don’t know.
I feel strangely inadequate. My assistants are far better healers than I am, since they realized their passions as Yasi, while I petched around with all the little boys and girls instead. They’ve had years upon years of hands on practice, while I relied only on my Gnosis for so long, before I was shown the harsh reality: it’s not enough to save anything. Maybe save a little pain and provide a little comfort. But if someone lays dying at my feet, I don’t care how good of a healer I think I am. They’re most likely going to die. And that bothers me.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, don’t get me wrong.” Addy, without realizing it, had switched from ‘getting things off her chest’ to talking directly to her goddess. “I’m more than grateful that you chose me. I just…wish I knew what you expected of me. Maybe if I knew that, I could see why you believed me good enough, had enough faith in me to bless me so. I don’t think I have that much faith in me, sometimes. Sure, Wind Eagles, kelvics or not, only choose those who are capable of protecting and providing for our precious city, and if I wasn’t capable, Sira wouldn’t have chosen me….” Addy drifted off into silence as she continued to stare at the constellation that resembled her mark.
“I guess I shouldn’t be admitting this before a goddess,” she began, after over half a bell of silence, “ but I guess faith is more important than I ever thought. Faith in myself as well as those gods that decide to smile upon us lowly mortals.” Addy managed a small smile at this before she continued, sitting up. “I guess I have a lot of praying ahead of me, huh?”
Finally getting to her feet, Addy dusted off her robe-blanket before turning her face one last time to the sky. Her start emblazoned mark seemed to wink at her, and she smiled up at Rek’keli. “Thank you, Mother.” |
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