[Kendall's Journal] Warm Like Wildfire

[Kendall Saarinen]

Kendall Samantha Saarinen's Poetry and Prose I will be keeping a running collection on my poetry and other writings. Each will be accompanied by the date they were written on and any extra notes I may have.

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[Kendall Saarinen]

This was recited but not written on the 7th of Winter, 510 AV to Nadala, the kelvic woman to tried to kill me in the Wildlands. "Wild women with eyes like cats As frisky as they may be Can be as sweet as kittens With a hint of serenity So when their playful paws reach out And they want to run and play Be cautious who's paws you play in For they might spell out your final day"

[Kendall Saarinen]

This was sang while playing the piano on the 1st of Winter, 506 AV. I was waiting for Aello to show up to my house so we could bake togather. "In this city, down by the shining sea. We sail by the moonlight when the air is clear and free. The water's song carries past the docks and mingles with the night. Keeping Zeltiva tranquil until the morning light..."

[Kendall Saarinen]

This was recited to Seven on 87th of Spring 511 AV. We were on the shore of Zeltiva looking at the stars. I think that day has to be one of the best days I have ever had since my accident. I am going to miss Seven a lot. I hope we meet again soon. He is without a doubt my best friend. He seems to understand me in a way that others can't. He... gets me I suppose and I like to believe I get him as well. "Who can speak for those of Zintila's birth? The shining children of the night. Who keep watch over the sea and earth, Capturing it all with golden light. To know their sights is unheard of. We are only meant to know the world where we place our feet. So look up to the stars and proclaim 'Oh Zintila', For nothing could be so sweet."

[Kendall Saarinen]

This was recited to Hadrian on 92th of Spring, 511 AV. It was an amazing day to say the least. I think it was the first time Hadrian and I held hands in public. I am sure for a man this is not too important or noteworthy but I appreciated it. I worry a lot about how he sees me and if he is a bit ashamed of me. I imagine it must be hard on him to have to share my secret and my problem but I admire him so much for it. He truly amazes me. This was the day Hadrian and I went on our second date (unless you count when we went to An Elegant Weave, then it was our third). He took me to the shore of the Suvan Sea. He looked so beautiful in contrast to it. It surprised me a little to see him so spontanious though. When at first he was just holding me and we were dictating poetry to one another the next moment he dashed off into waves beckoning me to follow. It was beautiful. He is beautiful. "As you to your sons and you to your daughters, I'll keep gentle watch over the world and its waters, and as much as you control the ebb and the flow, as sure as the currents carve the pathways below, as swift as the tides rotate from high to low, that's as swift as you came and as quickly you'll go."

[Kendall Saarinen]

This was recited to Ariel, the Pycon on 64th of Spring, 506 AV. She was a very interesting little person. In fact, she took the shape of a horse that day. I met her before I knew much about magic. She read my aura which was very exciting for me at the time. I introduced her to my family (although they made themselves scarce that day). All in all it was an interesting meeting but sadly it was cut a little short. I cannot help but wonder when I will see that little Pycon again. "Poetry is so ingrained in my soul how could I live without it The rhythm of the rhyming words You know I can't deny it When words come flowing like waterfalls And sonnets are blowing like the breeze No wonder literacy makes me fall to my knees For without it how could I express The light I feel and such sweet happiness? So next time you wonder wonder why I chose this studious thrill Know it was already chosen by my loving will."

[Kendall Saarinen]

This was written on 20th of Autumn, 510 AV. It was a somewhat odd day. I met a Jamoura and what I think was a Kelvic all at once. We intended to get to know each other better but the meeting fell apart. "It has been seventy days since the accident. I want to leave this town. It seems as though there is no place for me. The docks are run by affiliates of my brothers while the university is filled to the brim with the colleagues of my parents. On top of the adversity I meet in both places all over the city I am ostracized due to my mark on my arm. I value it higher than any possession on Mizahar though. There is nothing I want more than the warmth I feel from the fire that is now a part of me. When everyone else left me Ivak took me in. I hope to leave this town soon. I want to head to head north. Surely somewhere there will be a place for me. I know Avanthal and Syliras will not be too kind to me. In truth I am not sure anywhere will. I strive to find ground though. Possibly on my travels I will find others like me. I am sure there are others who hold the fire like I do. Somewhere in the Mountains my solace sleeps. For now I can only strive to find my own content. There is so much to see past the walls of Zeltiva. I have heard of the far off places but I have never seen them. I've heard of the strange races that dwell in the regions of the snow and the deserts, the jungles and the plains. I must travel but first I must find someone to travel with. I cannot leave Zeltiva alone. I am not skilled enough to travel on my own accord. It will be hard to find companions but I will strive non the less. There cannot be aversion in everyone heart for the Azenth. I must find those noble few who are not blinded by the mistakes Ivak has made. There is always a way to be new. Ivak gave me my way and I shall make it so he can as well. At least i would like to try. Signed, K.S.S"

[Kendall Saarinen]

This was recited by both parties but not written on the 5th of Summer, 511 AV (my birthday). Hadrian took me out for some time alone with him on my birthday. It was very peaceful and we talked for a while. Then he started quoting poetry and I think he knows how much I love that. I love him. I love him more than I have loved anyone. He is patient and kind. He gives me courage and peace of mind. I never thought we would end up together but I am so happy that we did. Here is what he recited to me and what I recited to him. (Hadrian's words are in blue, mine are in black) "Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, You’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, Can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life." ""Love! Love until the night collapses!" "And like the fire who wanes to the rain I fall under your influence time and time and again If I am to flicker down into ash, so shall it be For none but you can light the fire in me."

[Kendall Saarinen]

49th of Winter, 511 AV People look, but they don't see. They believe the softness on the surface is the cold hard truth. The most burning, bubbling of tumult always seems harmless outside. If it glared you down, pinned you to the wall, branded off your skin what good would it be? I am kind and warm to the touch. To brush my skin is to feel a hint of what exists underneath. I cry and I am simply human. I am starting to believe that I hate others. Not everyone… but a lot of those I see. Why should they be happy and free while I am stuck? I am freer now than I ever was in Zeltiva, but at what cost? I am seeing the world but I am hindered. I am not myself and I never will be. I am sickened in part by the success of others, although I can barely admit it to myself. "If only I had time…" I think, "I could be just as good." It is all a disastrous lie. Who I was and who I am. Neither are who I should be. It is not that I am insecure. I'm just effected by elements out of my control. Happiness finds me, as it does for most. It is fleeting, even when it burns brightest. While I want to be happy, it feels forced. I love Hadrian. I know I do. What kind of love is it when I need to force his love forward? I have been faced with one-sided love before. In the end, it is empty. I have no issue trying to melt away his frozen exterior but it seems as though all he is, is ice. Nothing but motionless emotion and at times, it drives me mad. This is not to say I do not love him and I am not happy. I simply worry that I am not enough to keep him satisfied. Perhaps if I need to rouse his emotions, I am not the one for him. Perhaps true love is effortless. I'm afraid I do not know for sure. I am disappearing. I feel as though I am decaying and slowly, someone else is moving into my soul. I have been hardened. I did not have the chance to finish being me. Now a whole year has gone and what do I have to show for it? A change of clothes and cabin in the frozen grasp of Avanthal. Everything about this city makes me uncomfortable but I cannot leave. I'm locked here and I don't see an escape in the near future. I feel almost sick when I think of who I am. I hate it but it cannot show. Of course, I am not perfect. I am not the picture of control like Hadrian. I fear in some ways, I am reverting back to who I was. When Hadrian disappeared, something in me changed. My one good thing had left me and it hurt. I did not want to hurt though. I left a part of myself back in Ravok. A part I'll never get back. I leave parts of myself everywhere. Here's to hoping one day getting them back. -K.S.S.