Responses. It was their reactions that made him hesitate. It took him so long to announce this because he wanted to avoid this, but it couldn't have been avoided. Eldon saw and felt every emotion that his friends, his loved ones, felt. Denen, his eyes dropping into his lap, head hanging low. Eldon felt responsible for everything that happened to him. From being a difficult patient when Denen spent countless restless nights watching him, fighting away those cruel dreams, to pressuring him to talk to Sama'el about how Denen felt, and it turned out to crumble around him. Eldon tried to understand how Denen was feeling. Betrayed? Probably. Resentment? Distrust? Eldon couldn't think of anything else, it would only be fair for Denen to hate him. Why? Because he was running from his problems, leaving the Brokensong behind to deal with the mess Eldon was leaving behind. He hadn't expected the exact reactions he got, except for Denen's. And that was what hurt him the most.
Eldon should have felt relief that his cousin was remaining strong, obviously stunned, but strong and mentally sound. He promised Sama'el so much as well. Their plans of vengeance, foolish ideas of being at each other's weddings (Eldon now couldn't see himself having a Drykas wedding), being second fathers to each other's children. They spoke of becoming great Ankals, leading Endrykas into a newer stronger better future, but Eldon was giving up on that now, wasn't he? It felt like it. Eldon didn't know what to say when the Sunkiss Pavilion was brought up. He almost allowed himself to say "forget it ever existed", but he was too selfish to even allow his friends the option to forget him. That would destroy him completely.
Thankfully Kashik saved him.
But it was her response thus far that startled him most. She was strong, she always had been, but she was still emotional, both happy and angry, but now she seemed, not content, but tolerant of this announcement. Eldon was leaving, and she seemed almost as unfazed as Vanator. Vanator, Eldon knew he wouldn't shed a tear. They had discussed this, and Vanator was much too strong to fall apart. He had, without a doubt, countless friends come and go. Death probably claimed more of Vanator's closest than Eldon could even count of his own. "Thank you Kashik, Vanator. I'm not sure yet." Eldon looked up at Sama'el again, who still stared at him in a semi-stunned manner. "I think I want to see, what Sama'el came from." Syliras, it had been mentioned briefly on several occasions, and it sounded both good and bad. He didn't know why that was his choice, perhaps the thought of being somewhere his cousin had been wouldn't be quite so lonely, as if his warmth hadn't long ago dissipated from that place. It was foolish to think so.
Then Edalene departed, not from the party (if his birthday could still be called a party) but from the table. She felt the urge, the sudden necessity to pull herself away from his presence. He thought she would almost be pleased that he would be out of her life, but this, it frightened him. He saw himself when he recovered from his wounds, but was consumed by his rage and bloodlust. His hand reached out instinctively past Vanator and Kashik in attempt to grab a hold of her arm, her shirt, anything to stop her, but she was too far, and his legs had no strength to move after her. Eldon could only watch as she moved again, his voice choking in his throat as he tried to speak, to apologize once again. By the gods, how many times had he said he was sorry? Not enough, it would never be enough.
Eldon sat down once again as his hands moved to his forehead and his fingers settling through tufts of hair. He couldn't have a breakdown, not again, not in front of everyone, but he felt that subtle pull, that familiar taste of overgiving as if he had spent too many hours at the Watering Hole. "Kashik..." Eldon muttered softly, whispering only her name, yet couldn't bring himself to look at her. "What's the right thing to do?" There was no satisfying answer though, since he meant more than just fixing this thing with Edalene. How many years had he adored her more than his favored Goddess Makutsi, yet never told her? How long had he felt for Denen and Edalene, guilty for their situations, and pondered how to fix it for them? How often had he regretted Sam's severe loses and wished, someway, he could undo that?
Eldon wanted his daddy. |