[Jilitse's Scrapbook] Ichor for sale

[Satu]

I can not tell you how happy it makes me to know you are still around... even at lurk mode you shine brightly! And while I want to scream "Come back Angel! Come back to Satu!" I know that you will when the timing is right and good. You are missed <3

[Malia]

Thanks for this scrap! I always love to hear what's going on in your corner of the world. Also, I totally didn't expect that you like the financial side of the world, looking at Dow Jones and stuff. It's nice to get to know a new Jil every now and then.

Anyway, reading this also made me post in my own scrapbook. Good thing.

[Jilitse]

If Jilitse was a Syliran Knight...

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

Gary Valenciano - Warrior is a Child

[Jilitse]

Me: Sowassup Jil.

Jilitse: Hey. You've been writing again. I see you updating your solo thread, and you entered Tarot's quest, but what about the people you have a thread with? Are you going to let them go?

Me: As selfish as it may sound, we may have to let them go.

Jilitse: You haven't really been around, wassup with that?

Me: Well I have a life.

Jilitse: I have a life too you idiot. I need to kill Sagallius.

Me: There there Jil, look at you, what have you been doing lately?

Jilitse: Uhh..

Me: Well I tell you what you did lately. You went to Yahebah, and did practically nothing. You've got not growth woman... err Nuit. That's what you have been doing. Or rather, not doing.

Jilitse: So whatchugonna do about it.

Me: Me? Us, what are we going to do about it?

Jilitse: Well you have that other gig you got going on, and you said you aren't quitting your "sideline job" so I guess I'll always take the back seat eh.

Me: No longer, Jil, my love. No longer. You shall be my Mizahar priority from now on. Let them rot for all I care!

Jilitse: You really mean that?

Me: Probably. Maybe half of it. You know why I can't let go of my other duties Jil. I made a promise.

Jilitse: B-but you made a promise to me, too! You said I'd be expert in Animation! Look at me, I'm nearly expert in Observation. Light help me, how do I fight Sagallius? I stare at him do death, who do you think am I? Petching Cyclops?

Me: Whoah easy there. Never knew you to be so full of rage.

Jilitse: Cut me slack I'm frustrated here.

Me: Alright, this what we gonna do. We'll wrap up all your past threads, I did submit some inactive threads for grading, so just be patient. And then we'll contact your threadmates, see if they're still around if they still wanna write withya. K?

Jilitse: Sounds good so far.

Me: Good, good. Then, I figure out what you did in Yahebah.

Jilitse: Mostly I prayed. You turned my NPC companion who was supposed to be the Prince of Persia into a petching acolyte of Yahal.

Me: Easy on the cuss words Jil. Still that might be good, you've been deepening your faith, right? You need to undergo a transformation. This is the sum total of what happened after leaving Sahova.

Jilitse: You turning me into a nun, girl. No way. We wanted to be a mage, get that? Remember? We wanted to fight with monster golems. Like Sakura wars, remember? PETCHING REMEMBER.

Me: Jen will have my hide if I ever try to imagine magicpunk.

Jilitse: Well how about being a summoner?

Me: I'm working on that.

Jilitse: That's what you said when you worked on that whats-that-planet-called.

Me: Okay, I'll put that in my things to do.

Jilitse: I need more attention than that.

Me: I know. I promise. As soon as possible.

Jilitse: Give me an estimate.

Me: One month. I have Nihongo exams in the week after next.

Jilitse: Ganbatte ne.

Me: Ganbaremashou!

Jilitse: That hardly counts. What do you do in that one month for me.

Me: I fix your character sheet, kick you a thread for the summer, contact Melange and Colombina about your stay in Yahebah. I like you with a veil, you remind me of the Far Dareis Mai.

Jilitse: That is not good. I was supposed to be patterned after the Aes Sedai.

Me: Erm, okay. How about Valkyria Chronicles?

Jilitse: That's even worse!! No rifles in Mizahar!

Me: Will stop kidding. I'll turn you into an acolyte. We'll find a weapon that is not magical.

Jilitse: Voiding, Summoning, Shielding, Animation. These were your plans for me. You're going the wrong way!

Me: Let's change our game plan.

Jilitse: What the pe--- FINE. Let's hear it.

Me: Luminance, Shielding, Auristics.

Jilitse: Personal magic. GREAT. You have brought me up with that defect remember? How can you forget, I am a half-baked mage. I have never tried personal magic ever. I thought we will never do personal magic!

Me: That was when you were still in Sahova. Mashaen will fall in love with your new magic. Tarot will stop saying "Where's the fireballs?!"

Jilitse: Hmmm... you think? I am skeptic, but pleased altogether.

Me: So we good now.

Jilitse: We still need to talk, but we good. For now.

[Fela Meason]

Shiken no seikō o oinori shimasu!

(Sorry, been a while since i've used it so might be a bit off )

[Jilitse]

Ever had a Wendy's salad? The kind where you can put anything you can on the styroplate and pay for whatever towerofasalad you have as long as it doesn't fall off?

Things are like that with me now. A relative died. People started going abroad, finding better jobs. I don't want to be affected by these things but I am. Longer work hours. Missing classes. Wakes, funerals. You wish you could explain what's happening - like that awkward moment you couldn't even bring yourself to say your "condolences" cause you know it fuck hurts and you have to give them time to mourn.

I remember something someone posted as a status message, that people expect the universe to reward them when they do a good deed. Recently, I came across someone who felt like I owed him something - like my full attention. Fuck adults who want to be babies. I'm not running a goddamn fucking charity ball. Said person hasn't even tried to chummy up and expected to be ushered into my house - my domain - like I'm his goddamned doormat. Here have a fucking spine.

Excuse the expletives.

I normally like undead things. Undead characters, undead movies, undead games, Super 8, Resident Evil, The Walking Dead, World War Z.

Then an uncle died.

I remember him vividly, we used to be neighbors in this small impoverished town called Tondo. He died. People had been dying all around me for the past few years. A grandmother, an old neighbor, an uncle, so on and so forth.

Then I thought, you know, maybe my uncle could just rise up from his coffin like the whole ordeal was a big joke.

And I wanted to cry badly.

Do I like Nuits, these undead games and undead flicks because they do not remind me of my own mortality? They deny the truth that people die eventually, abruptly even? Because in my fantasy zombieland nobody died? Fuck Freud, fuck whoever invented psychoanalysis. Nobody died, and like many zombie movies, that's just fucking sad.

I am so goddamn fucking lethargic and I wish I had a living PC instead of my stupid undead mage. I should kill Jil for what it's worth. I should just create a girly boy or a traumatized kelvic or whatever's the in thing nowadays.

What's a life really worth anyway?

Goddammit I wish I could write about something else. But I'm just so mad I'm going to drop a bomb at that fucking undead island called Sahova. There is no such thing as an undead because "people die when they are killed" and the bible, no matter how many times they translate that Jesus rose again on the third day, is just religious fiction.

Truthfully I am just tired and mad and the next person who complains I don't write enough for my PC or whathaveyou is getting a summons from the devil himself.

[Gossamer]

. Jillybean We've all been somewhere close to the place your living in your head. We all get angry. We all rage at death. For some of us, faith teaches us that there is so much more beyond death and beyond life that is amazing all onto itself. People don't just stop living. When you feel better you'll understand that. Everyone you love and loose are still around you, still accessible, still existing. When you die, you don't just vanish into nothing. Would you let something stupid like that happen to you when it finally comes your time? Hell no. You are so much stronger than that and so are all the people you've loved and lost. I was once where you are and this amazing, intelligent, gorgeous man took me under his wing and we went out dancing for a night that was all about me. He whined and dined me and danced me all over the dance floor and eased my broken heart in a way that could only be said was a gift - the most generous gift someone could give another person. He gave me permission to have fun again, to laugh even though my head was full of rage and I just wanted to cry. He told me I needed to go on vacation, take a break, visit the gold coast of spain and fall in love ten times a day and then in love with being in love itself. And when he said that in his hot spanish voice, I all but melted and for that night I believed him... and all the nights after that until its almost 20 years later and I'm still believing that and telling you. You deserve happiness. You deserve YOU TIME. You deserve to take a break from what you are trapped in and remind yourself why life is so beautiful, so breathtaking, and the reason we come here to live a round or two of it from the places beyond where our spirits dwell in other ways. You'll see your friends and family again. You'll laugh and love and hear their beloved voices once more. But if it was you dying you wouldn't want the ones remaining to mourn and rage and let things consume you like things are consuming you. Please... I implore you. Live. Laugh. Love. And start with yourself, then move on to others. Work can't be THAT important. Take a personal day and let it be YOUR DAY. Laugh and cry and wear PJ's all day or put your hair up in pigtails like you did when you were five. Eat your favorite foods, watch your favorite things on TV, and go out into the world and concur it, if only for a day. Love yourself passionately and acceptingly. I hear no love in your post and you deserve so much more from yourself than you are giving right now. We love you. Everyone on this game will reinforce that. You are worth it, but it has to start WITH you. Then all the death, the overworked feelings, all the rage will start to fade. Its' so much easier to feel joy than rage. It takes soo much less effort to love than it does to hate. .

[Caelum]

There are but minutes before I must get up, get dressed, get moving again. I took a glance at the new posts in Miz via my phone while woofing down lunch and happened to click on your scrap. Once I had read it, I had to stop, pull out my computer, write this. We don't know each other. Hi, I'm Katie. I've read some of your work. Maybe you've read some of mine. It fails to matter because a little while back I received a phone call in the middle of a busy afternoon on the job. There were three projects come due, another moved up, general work madness and stress zinging all around like a hive of bees in the August heat. On the phone was an old cohort of mine, one with whom I'd been out of touch save for the occasional run-in and nod for years, and she was telling me that one of my heroes was dead. Died in the thin hours of morning in the hospital, alone, because he never wanted to tell anyone that his disease had gotten that far, had finally laid him out so near his end. I had to walk outside and realized too late I was sitting on a picnic bench with my face in my hands and my hands on my knees. I was crying for the first time in months. I did not when my husband came home to tell me that his mother to whom we are all very close was found with cancer during the process of what was supposed to be an uncomplicated, simple procedure. No tears when she went in for round two of chemo and my husband's job was put on the line due to things beyond our control. Nothing when my own doctor gave me bad news that has forced us to change all of our plans for the future. My eyes were dry when we were turned down for a thing we very, very much needed. Yet then there is this phone call and a man who taught me joy writing, who gave me the courage to take it to the levels I have and the levels for which I am still striving, is dead and his mother wanted me to read a piece he and I wrote together years and years ago at his memorial and in the middle of the day, while on the job, there I find myself -- crying. It was fury. I will make no bones about it. It was anger and stress and failure I didn't have a name for. I took the rest of the day off because I was in the process of exploding. Like a star, maybe, my centrifugal force that had been holding me together while I spun and spun and went to work and took care of my family and tried to meet the physical and emotional needs of the ones I loved going through all of this with me had reached the point of being greater than me. I got home, strapped on running shoes, and hit the summer heat. I ran a long time with music blasting in my ears and cried my way through at least half of it. Cursing. Praying. Complete mad woman in every sense of the word. People who saw me probably wanted to have me committed. I wouldn't have blamed them. You have a right to your anger. Never deny yourself your emotions. My denial of my own left me breaking on an otherwise average afternoon; but there's something else in that, too: it was okay. It was deserved. And afterwards I took a shower and talked to people I loved and opened an favorite book and found my balance though it was not in the same place I had left it. When you can't change the crap that is going on, when all you can do is manage it the best you're able, slog through it day after day, you have to have a release valve. Once the worst of the fury is out, there is room again for love and joy, time for it in pieces you weren't acknowledging anymore and every heartbeat of them is medicine. They'll make you stronger and more capable of handling those awful hours when being unable to rewind the clock or raise the dead or work a miracle to heal a most deserving soul is so frustrating, so infuriating. This is not something I do. It is too personal and you and I strangers. I feel like I'm trespassing and I am sorry. I've put this here to show you we are listening. Someone is understanding as much as a stranger possibly can and I, for one, am in your corner. Keep writing. I will read and I will not judge. There's a little bit of grace left in the day's end. - katie.

[Malia]

It’s strange how bad things seem to happen in bursts and everything suddenly comes down on your head so you can’t take it anymore.

I’ve been there too, in the last few weeks, months even. It’s not that people are dying, but I slowly notice that my life is changing and values I’ve believed in or taken for granted for my entire life are falling apart. Someone burned the roots that connect me to the simple happiness that comes with everything being okay. Every now and then, things happen and you think you can’t take it anymore.

What I want to say is that you can take it and you can live and see the next day, the next sunrise or whatever you see when you look out of your window. You can. Even though you probably don’t want to, it’s what life is made of, and life also manages to pull you out of the bad times and into better times. It’s a circle and it will always go on. You won’t be stuck anymore. All you have to do is wait, not even hope, but simply wait. Things will happen and you’ll feel better. Time will pass.

And I totally agree with Jen’s and Katie’s words who put it so much more eloquently than I did: Do what you love, dedicate a day (or even two hours) to the things you want to do. Watch anime, look at some Japanese characters. I know I love to simply look at them and absorb their appearance... Do what you like and let it cheer you up or at least distract you from past happenings. Not even Nuit can make time flow backwards (unless you’re a follower of Tanroa, but that’s not the point), and sometimes that’s actually a good thing. I really believe that you are strong enough to eventually move on.

[Jilitse]

Thanks, Jen, Katie (I have read about Caelum... you were around at a time when there were still very few people around hehe), and Malia (I wish we get to meet ingame again!). I am better now, generally speaking.

On real life news, which, to my disappointment, has more updates than my own PC, I'm still very busy. Between Nihongo class and endless work, and facebook whyamIplayingSimsSocialwtfwtf... yeah. It's hard to write when it's easier to click on your mouse! Brainless... mindless. I'm turning into an adult drone *cries*

But I'm arranging a new look for my character sheet, and I'm reading on my past threads. Wee. Now to plan what to do next...