This is How it Feels (Sam)

[Denen Sunsinger]

Spring 75, 511 A.V. Dawn. It had taken Denen a number of days to gather his courage and his things. The truth was, having awakened to find himself alone and naked in his tent, he hadn't been fully sure if he had dreamed of Sam's visitation or if it had been real. It wouldn't have been the first time in recent weeks, after all, that he'd gotten drunk and spent the night alone, dreaming that his friend was there with him. But Sam's scent had lingered on his blankets, and after taking a those days to recover, the young healer determined to not let their night end their friendship. No. Sex wasn't the only thing to keep them together. Though, admittedly, he got butterflies when he thought about it. It was difficult to keep himself from grinning like an idiot when he approached Sama'el's camp. He set his pack down near the horses, so that it wasn't too close, but could be accessed easily, just in case Sam turned him away. He clutched the gem Sam had given him for his birthday near his chest, worrying his lower lip. His free hand raised to gently brush his slim fingers along Dohaina's neck. "Hello, darling girl," he signed. "Is he asleep still?" He hugged the mare, and Horse, and then went to the fire to prepare a chamomile tea for Sam when he awoke. He stoked the fire back to life, pushing the embers around with a stick he'd found nearby. The end had been charred, so he'd had little issue using it again. He set water on to boil, and then began to see what was to be had as far as food was concerned. He tied back his hair with a scarf, took a deep breath of the fresh, spring air, and let the chamomile tea steep a bit. This done, he crouched down near the fire, holding his hands out a moment, and smiled softly to himself. He had missed Sam's camp.

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

Sama'el had ridden in late the night before from riding a short circuit, having opted to ride through a good portion of the night to camp safely within Endrykas rather than risk another night out on the Sea of Grass, which was routine, but always dangerous. But it always took him a day or two to sleep in when he was primed for the peril of the prairies, and so he woke soon after dawn despite not getting enough sleep. Hearing noise by the fire, he stumbled out of his tent, hair messy and face eyes doughy with sleep. But it wasn't Jyn by the fire. He'd recognize that lithe frame anywhere. Several days before he had plumbed its depths as one might a woman, and the shame of it rose up like bile from his stomach. Not for the act itself, but for using Denen to pour out all his pain and need. Ugly Pony was gone, so Jyn must have gone to fetch something, but his tent was still up and surely Denen would have questions. Barefoot, he walked over to the fire, crouched down beside the young healer. He didn't say hello, but there was no need. There was quiet welcome and swallowed bitterness.

[Denen Sunsinger]

Denen was wondering if there was anything lying around Sam's camp that could be used to make a small meal. He wasn't the best cook ever, but he did try. He dusted off his palms on his thighs, brows furrowed slightly as he wondered what Sam had been up to over the past week. Surely, he hadn't been so busy that a visit was impossible. He didn't want to think ill of his friend, to imagine for a moment that Sam was so very bothered by what they had done, so he put the thought aside all together. He didn't hear Sam draw near, of course, and with his back to his friend, he would never have even known Sam was awake until he crouched down near him. But from the corner of his eye, he caught movement, and he turned his head to face Sama'el. His smile widened, becoming almost blissful at the sight of him. Like Sam, he gave no spoken greeting. Denen was content with the quiet, and he refused to make things awkward. They were still friends, after all. Sex hadn't changed that. After a long quiet, he raised his hands to speak. “I was going to make food for you, but I wasn't sure of where to begin. I made some tea. It should be ready shortly.” He bumped Sam's shoulder with his own. “You have sleep in your eyes.”

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

Things weren't quite as simple as they had been before Denen left his camp, and they were less simple still since he had spent the night but not the morning in Denen's camp. Eldon had demons in Zith shape to chase, and Sama'el needed to keep him alive. A new servant and his daughter had taken up residence in the little camp to keep things while Sama'el roamed the Sea of Grass, plying the Web, carrying messages, and otherwise serving their people. He should have made time to visit Denen, of course, but had forgotten the depths of his friend's need. It seemed Sama'el could do no wrong in those doe-dark, trusting eyes. They made him feel the need to be a better man. Dymphna had caused that reaction too, but she was beyond his reach. Denen was within it, but things didn't fit quite the way they ought. There wasn't a moan that had escaped Denen whose pleasure might have been pain, but the night of fire and darkness had passed into memory, no longer immediate and imperious. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and then responded with his hands: "Tea would be nice. I have a servant now, also nice, but he does not cook well yet. You will like him and his little daughter."

[Denen Sunsinger]

Denen gave a soft, warm smile, and reached up to brush back a strand of dark hair that had fallen into Sama'el's eyes. It was a friendly gesture, though smooth, herb-stained fingers brushed lightly across his brow. It was the sort of motion he might have made before things became complicated. Innocent enough, despite the repressed longing. “Your hair is long enough to knot now, you know. You'd look quite well with a feather or...a braid.” He smiled and then blushed as he realized his hand was still lingering against Sam's brow. “Sorry,” he signed quickly. He held both hands out to the fire now, letting the flames dance before them and warm the chilled appendages. He could not break the silence with actual words just yet. There was a delicate balance here, and he feared that he might shatter it and be sent away for it. He leaned back slightly, sitting on his heals and let his hands fold in his lap. He chewed the inside of his lip and reached up to tug his scarf down a bit, so that it better covered his ears. They'd been vexing him as of late. The young healer's eyes lit up and he smiled brilliantly as Sam informed him of the new additions. “Really? That is wonderful! Look at you, Sam! You've already got the workings!” He gave his silent, shaking laugh, and turned his eyes to the tea, which was now ready. He filled a cup for Sam, and one for himself, and sat back on his rump, legs crossed comfortably. “I delivered Kashik's baby,” he informed. “It was my first unassisted delivery.”

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

Sama'el had the reflexes to catch Denen's hand before it retreated, but he was always a step behind emotionally, and the healer was already ushering in the next moment before he could react properly. They remained there in their corbie crouches, nodded like dumb animals and he smiled his enthusiasm, signed "Congratulations" one-handed with his tea in the other. He smiled his thanks, then reached out to take Denen's healing hand and put it to his hair. His friend would have to read his lips this time. "You'll have to bring me something nice to braid into it so I can look like someone who might one day be an Ankal rather than some skinny lad who does horseback tricks. Well, anyway... Are you bringing your tent back here? Lili might need a healer now and then the way babies do."

[Denen Sunsinger]

Denen grinned as Sam offered his congratulations. He had been sincerely terrified when it came to the matter of delivering the baby, but everything had gone well. Kashik was as tough as a Seme mare, and Denen admired her for how well she had performed. He was about to speak again when Sam caught his hand and drew it up to his hair. A soft, shy smile touched his lips as he played gently with the dark strands. He'd always loved Sam's hair, more so now that it was a bit longer. He could imagine the braids and feathers already, and he grinned. He laughed, uttering a soft sound as he did so. “If y-you will sit...I...I have something that w-will do...do n-n-n-nicely.” He bit his lower lip and tilted his head. Yes. That would be an excellent use for it. His eyes danced at the question, and he nodded. He drew back his hands so that he could sign. “I have everything here. I left it by Dohaina and...” His eyes went wide. “Oh, shyke.” He hurried to his feet and went to pick up his pack, returning moments later. “I was worried they would have eaten my herbs. Gods, that would have been a nightmare.”

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

Sama'el smiled indulgently as Denen hurried away, but he quickly sobered when it became necessary to quietly school himself against asking Denen if he had spoken to Dymphna. Part of him had wanted to be there for her wedding out of some sense of loyalty, but he hadn't been able to man up to that. Instead he had taken the courier duty to Riverfall and spent weeks in a new city to try to distract himself from the raw pain of rejection and abandonment. But he banished those thoughts quickly, trying to call up a smile again for Denen. She was married and so he would move on. It wasn't like Denen didn't have pain and rejection to deal with everyday at Sam's own hands. "Dohaina is too smart to do that. And too vicious to let Horse or Ugly Pony do it either." He signed for Denen's benefit and cocked his head to catch a glimpse of the present. Presents had been rare in the later half of his life and he was overwhelmingly excited by them, even if he was playing it cool as he was just then.

[Denen Sunsinger]

Denen returned with his pack, giving a faint huff as he sent it down. He drew open the strings at the top of his bag. His hand ducked in, and he pulled out a little pouch. In this, he kept little valuables he found. Stones, feathers, or pretty things that interested him. He was in search of a particular feather he had come upon a few days before while he was out and about. The tip of his tongue darted just past his lips, and he held it there as concentration marked his fine brow. He gave a triumphant smile as he drew forth the soft, six-inch feather. It was a rusty color, with a hazy, dark band across the end. He motioned for Sam to lower his head to his lap so that he could make an effective braid and place the feather in his dark hair. He flashed a grin as Sam spoke. “My brother's Strider was as dumb as a wood plank. He used to sneak into the supply tent and eat as much as he could before we'd catch him. I remember once when I was...nine or ten, I found him in the tent, and he had a shykeload of dog's tooth grass hanging out of his mouth.” He rolled his eyes and bit his lower lip. “He made himself sick for days, but he never ate the grass again.” He smiled to Sam and tilted his head. A soft, faint sigh left him, content. He was pleased to be with his friend again. “I want a bond again. Sometimes, I get so anxious and excited about the idea that I can't sleep.”

[Sama'el Sunsinger]

Sama'el smiled and leaned over, letting his head loll upon Denen's lap and the rest of him sprawl. It felt good to have human connection, even if theirs was fraught with danger, thorns, and phantoms of what could and could not be. But a man could not live in a vacuum, and Denen was one of the Drykas he trusted implicitly, and the number of those people was greatly diminished now that Dymphna had married another man and Eldon had gone from Endrykas. He liked the story, but the epilogue made him sad. Sam too had lost a Strider, and it had been ten years before another one chose him. He hoped for Denen's sake it didn't take so long for him. "I think I'm going to breed Dohaina with Leto's Arias. Perhaps..." But such offspring would be long in coming, and he could tell that Denen's need hovered over him already.