Fela's Scrapbook of irrational fears

by **Fela Meason** on July 10th, 2011, 6:39 am

~~Elisabeth~~ Byron Ann - About me

The Basics (updated as of 06/10/2014)

Age:

21

Gender:

~~Female~~

~~Status: Engaged~~

Nationality:

Location:

Likes:

Dislikes:

~~lazy writers (Spell check, it's amazing)~~

~~which is great~~

~~but don't force me to become you~~

My accounts:Fela Meason, Rein Hazlemoon, Kerehi Ymasu, ~~Oracle~~ and ~~Scar~~.

EDIT: So yeah I went back and corrected a few things. For one updated information that has changed such as age and gender ID. I've always struggled with my gender identity but it wasn't until recently I really embraced the fact that I wasn't cis. I mean it's always been true, but I never had a word for it. I've changed the name I go by from Elisabeth to Byron Ann, you can just say Byron, which I feel is a more accurate name given my femme and masc nature combined. I wouldn't really say I'm genderfluid since I don't move between two different points, I just am a combination of both traits and my own unique gender blend. I know this probably sounds a little weird. Especially if you don't have much experience with trans individuals, I'm open to answer any questions anyone has as long as they are respectful.

Fela Meason - A deceleration and some venting

I'm going to start this out with a declaration: I am scared. I am a weak person. I try to rise above that, but in the end I am a damaged person stemming from years a less than loving background. This being said, I thrive off feedback. That's what makes me so scared. I become afraid I am not doing something right, or that someone is not going to like me. I have these fears with my characters and with anything else I do. When I write something for a class or just for fun I need people to read it and tell me why it's good or bad, when I do something new for the first time I need someone holding my hand. I don't even care if it's negative feedback, as long as I get it.

I'm having so much fun here, I love the concept and I love reading other people's threads and I love thinking of new stories. I'm having a great time, but I don't think those posting with me are having as much fun

things aren't going quite as I wanted. Which I blame on my lack of direction. I'm not quite sure where I want the threads to end so they go every which way. Which is great when it forms a wondrous adventure, but not so great when you cop out and (literally) run away from the thread. I am not proud of that post. I really am thinking of going back, deleting it and re-writing the whole thing. Which wont be hard since ever since I posted it the thread died. Just up and died.

Ok, i'm done venting and complaining. I feel better just getting that out there in black and white, and green, and some off shades of red and yellow...*stares at background*

Now on to some business. I need a plan. I need to think about my character and what I want to do with her. Well for one, I really need to flesh out her history. It's full of holes and a lack of strengths and weaknesses. I also need to pick what skills I want her to learn and why. I think a Kelvic with some magic sounds like a great idea. I want to show more of her struggle with her human emotions and her animal nature. I want to write her attack someone and show the internal struggle. Last but not least, I wanna travel. I'm in a great town and I love the concept and the people who are there right now, but it's not quite busy enough for me right now. I need experience which means I need to jump into some open threads, which there aren't enough right now to pick from in Alvadas. The alternative would be to bribe other people to come to Alvadas, cause I really fricking love being there.

Ok, that about sums it up. I'm going to do some soul searching and figure out what I want out of my character and how I get beat it out of her. Enjoy your day everyone and goodnight.

by **Fallacy** on July 10th, 2011, 7:00 am

I am scared. Personally, I dont feel worthy of any of the posts I do with my characters and I dont feel some of my ideas are good enough for Alvadas. The point is, I too look for reassurance and that is what drives me to write even better than before so I can know that I did good and not just assume or hope or wish with dread that someone likes it.

Right now I have a modded thread put on hold because I fear the adventure I come up with wont be good enough for the player, that it wont be challenging enough, that it wont be exciting and thought provoking enough to satisfy their needs. Ive been working on a plot and everything, but I have no direction. X.x Especially since the player doesnt know what they want from the thread or any idea... It really leaves me to look at their CS and try to guess what they would like and what they wouldn't and its really stressful. Ive asked the player for ideas and they were like some adventure, mystery, ect, ect. Nothing solid. I guess when it comes down to it we have to post sometime and if they like it, good for them, if they dont, then whatever. You tried.

I guess what Im trying to say is just post. Do it and think about what people think of it later. Try your best and if that isnt good enough for them then... Just dont give up on something you love to do like you stated in your thread just because of what people say. You will regret it. I know because I gave a sport I loved and was good at because I "wasnt good enough" for some of the people on the team. :/ I just have my own struggles that Im working out as well...

Well, venting is healthy

I love your plans for your chara. Its really great, and if you dont think there are enough "open" threads to jump into right now why not make your own? Or invite people who you like their charas to RP with you via PM. Be aggressive! Or another option would be to ask for a modded thread from one of the great mods of Alvadas

Im sure they will be willing to help you. Just be sure to come with some sort of idea of what you want so they dont stress with making a story from scratch

Gosh... I think I wrote this more for me than I did for you

by **Fela Meason** on July 12th, 2011, 7:04 am

Fela Meason - Furry little things and squee overload

So chat was interesting today. We started talking about how many wolves there are in Mizahar, so I suggested a sloth Kelvic. The idea blew up. So yeah, a sloth Beggar Kelvic. Sounds like a great idea to me. *brainstorming* What do you guys think?

Any who, so I've been thinking what I want to do with my character. I'm thinking I want to bond with someone but I know it would take a long time for the two characters to bond because of her fear of other people and the recent loss of her last companion. So not much in the way of character development but I'm starting to plan. *will post something in matchmaking soon*

Here is a sloth to make you smile.

Fela Meason - To Fallacy

It would be my honor to have a thread modded by you

and I hope to come up with an idea soon we I can ask you to do so. I'm sure with our creativity combined we could make awesome adventures.

by **Gossamer** on July 13th, 2011, 5:13 pm

When I read this scrapbook, I thought of a quote from one of my favorite light reading books called "A woman of the Iron People." It might even come from the second book, "Changing Woman" by Eleanor Arnason. I first read it as a young girl and it sparked my love of anthropology. The two books are filled with these deliciously apropos quotes. My favorite one is about fear.

"Fear is like an iron band wrapped tightly around a living thing: the trunk of a tree, the neck of a child. When the living thing gets big enough, fear starts to warp it, change it, forever weakening it."

That's stuck with me a long long time. It was a lesson I carried out of my childhood and into college. What it means is quite evident but incredibly truthful. I've always decided to look fear in the eye, acknowledge it for what it is, then cast it aside. If we let fear rule us, we'll never get anything done either as individuals or as groups.

by **Silvy** on July 13th, 2011, 5:45 pm

I started reading a book with a great title I'd like to share:
Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Each person has their own fears and it takes courage to own up to it. Some people will do drugs or binge or take up an addiction rather than admit to their fears so freely. You have a lovely, open and honest quality about you! And it totally makes me wanna huggle you!

*HUGGLES*

And as far as feedback goes, your posts are fun, imaginative, active and wonderfully vivid! If you ever travel to Avanthal, I'd love to thread with you.

by **Fela Meason** on July 13th, 2011, 10:40 pm

To Gossamer

I think I'm going to look up this book. That is a beautiful quote and is so true to life. The more we grow and allow our fear to grow, the more it shapes us and how we life our lives.

I'm learning to deal with fear everyday. I'm breaking away from 16 years of abuse. If I was to post all my feeling and vent all my troubles, I would be here for an eternity. Or at least the amount of time it is required for a novel.

But it is getting better. I'm older now, I can understand things better. The discrimination has gone down now that i'm in the adult world. Fear is loosing it's grip on me, or I should say I am weakening it little by little.

To Silvy

Thank you! *huggles as well* Your kind words really make my day. *blushes*

How long has your PC been there? I write there in flashbacks. My PC was there from Summer of 510 AV to late Spring of 511 AV. Maybe we could flashback to gether :3

Fela Meason - Book Corner

So I was inspired to write this entry by the responses I wrote above. Let's talk books. There have been books that have inspired us to change the way we live our lives, and others that have just struck us so profoundly with their beauty that we will never forget them. For me there are many books like this, I am an avid reader and enjoy many many different kinds of books. I love all books. I remind myself of the little man from that Twilight Zone EP "Time Enough At Last". That's me, I read the ketchup bottles if I can get my hands on them.

So I want to share with you some of my favorite books. Not all of them will be life changing, but they will all be fun a read.

First one on the list.

"The Dogs of Babel" by Carolyn Parkhurst.

This book is amazing, It stars a Linguist who comes home to find his wife dead after falling from a tree in their front yard. The only witness to it was the family Dog. Our main character is determined to learn more about his wife's death by teaching their dog to speak and tell him all of it's secrets.

A very sad but enlightening read which delves into the inner workings of a person's mind when they are overcome by grief. A must read.

"If I had known just yesterday what I have known today, I'd have taken out your two gray eyes and put in ones of clay. If I had known just yesterday that you would no longer be my own, I would have taken out your heart of flesh and put in one of stone" - Tam Lin

Next,

"Shadowland (The Mediator, Book 1)" by Jenny Carroll (now Meg Cabot)

Amazing young adult series. I don't even have words to describe just how much I love this series and always have. It's about a girl who moved with her mother, recently re-married, across the country to a new house in Northern Cali. Only she's not your average girl, she is what you call a mediator. She can see the dead. Ghosts are to her as real and flesh and blood as you are to me. She's a sassy, independent and relatable girl. She's not weak willed but she's not perfect either. There are 6 total and I recommend them to everyone.

Ok, that's it for now. look for part 2 coming soon.

Love you all.

by **Fela Meason** on July 14th, 2011, 9:25 pm

Fela Meason - A Theme song and self discovery

I'm noticing a lot of people who have theme songs for their characters, so I started thinking about mine. If I had to pick any song this would be it:

The Rasmus - Not Like the Other Girls

I choose this song because it is my theme as well. When I thought up Fela I wanted someone who could project who I felt like, not always how I was. We have masks we hide behind for work, or school or even just out shopping. We know how society wants us to be and we mold ourselves to that. I've always had a problem with this. I hate being something I am not, yet I work in a job where I have to say everything with a smile and sound like a mean it. So even though I know what society wants, I refuse to do it unless I have to. I always try and show my true colors. Honesty is needed for any type of human experience, but sometimes you can't do it without risking your job, or in my case my health, so I created Fela. She was and is everything I wanted and want to be, but as things started rolling she started taking on her own personality and breaking away from me. I like it. She's becoming her own person and growing into her own skin/fur.

Above all else, writing as her has given me the insight I need to show who I am through both my writing and my conduct in chat. I hope I come across as someone who is helpful and kind. Someone who will not judge and is fun to talk to, but also someone who forgets things and is very human and fragile and frail. Someone who needs kind words in return and unwavering honestly.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
Much love,
Mamma Gann

by **Silvy** on July 15th, 2011, 12:53 am

Such a powerful and amazing song! I can hear why you chose it!

by **Fela Meason** on July 17th, 2011, 8:41 am

Elisabeth Gann -Tattoos and Cats

What about you guys? Any cool tattoos or cats you would like to share?

by **Silvy** on July 17th, 2011, 3:21 pm

Pretty kitty! what's kitty's name?

Like your tat! I've only got a small bit of japanese kanji that is faded and blue coz I got it way back when I was 20. <3 your scrapbook and *pounces n huggles you*

My 2 kitties:
La Mineux

Sable

My teeny old tatt: