You Weren't There (Vanator)

[Khiara]

18th Day of Summer, evening

The tension in the pavillion was thick in the air, tangible and almost seemingly crackling between the married occupants. Khiara had rested away most of her day, emotionally and mentally drained from her bonding experiance, ankle swollen and blackened with bruising. It was sprained, but badly so, and doctors orders were rest and more rest. But the rest gave her mind to much free time to think.

Back to the nights before, alone on the grassland, encaptured in the arms of another man. Not Vanator. Guilt twisted inside her, eating the young woman and bringing tears to her eyes. It wasn't her intention to kiss Ronan, it wasn't even her choice. But even so, the golden eyed girl knew she hadn't exactly resisted. Not the way she should have. It was a disgrace, and an unspoken moment that made the girl feel sickened at hereself. And then there was Van.

The older man had torn strips out of the vantha when he discovered her story behind the bonding. Khiara knew he was worried for her safety, but it still didn't make the scolding any less horrible. It had ended in tears and screaming, to which the young woman had cried to herself for a long time. He had kept to himself since. It hurt the young brunette, and she wondered with the intensity of his rage, if perhaps he'd found out about Ronan. The fear and disgust roiled in her stomach, causing the girl to feel sicker still. Clutching a pillow to her stomach, Khiara glanced at Vanator from across the crackling fire, her golden eyes troubled.

"Vanator...Van..?" Her voice sounded loud in the quiet tent, almost echoing in the silence. Swallowing hard, the girl moved to prop herself up a little better, waiting for him to acknowledge her presence.

[Vanator]

Vanator had been lost in his thoughts, gazing glassily into the glowing embers of the brazier between he and Khiara. Several ghosts haunted the drykas husband that evening, and his attention drifted from the present to the demons that tugged at his conscious. He had not bonded with a strider since Backlash died. He had tried several times, but the connection never sparked. Some of the horses were too young, not as responsive as he needed, not as quick as Backlash. He was a leader, and he needed to be able to move and react before those who followed in order to lead. The latest attempt was with a promising stallion. He was strong and fast, and willful. Too willful. He had dragged Vanator across the ground and over several sharp rocks. Once again in defeat, the man had to return to Endrykas without a strider mount. It shamed him. Then, Khiara had bonded. He was happy for her, his second wife was now fully drykas, and would earn her own Windmark. But a twinge of jealousy and irritation accompanied his joy for her. An outsider had linked with a Strider, and the son of the Ankal could not. Then, the horror of last Spring. Over a season ago and the guilt of his deed still plagued him. He was a monster, a rapist. Yes, it was a zith, arguably deserving of such a heinous crime. But Vanator's hatred of that race could not cover the self-loathing of his assault on Irriari. Finally, he fretted for Khiara. She had been nearly killed by a glassbeak. She knew better than to go out alone like that. If he lost her...well, it was something he could not even ponder. The soft voice of the Vanthan broke his concentration, and Vanator's eyes lifted to his injured wife. Her tone was pensive, almost hesitant. If he had been a bit standoffish lately, Khiara had been no less demure. The husband assumed it was because of the sound scolding he had given her for going out like she did. A half smiled crossed his lips. "Yes love, what is it?"

[Khiara]

He smiled, a half smile, but a response none the less. Khiara couldn't help but feel a small lump in her throat. It had been such a whirlwind week, that the young vantha wasn't sure where she stood anymore. First she had been kissed by a man other than Vanator, then ambushed by a glassbeak, chased and injured, bonded with a strider and then her love had shouted down at her like some silly child wandered to far from the safety of home. To have even the small smile was like a ray of sunshine through the clouds.

Shifting a little more, the girl tried to control her emotions, knowing full well the shifting swirls of gold in her eyes would betray her before anything else did. Taking a deep breath, the vantha spoke.

"I just...I wanted to say I was sorry, for making you so angry. I know you care for me, and were concerned. It was so stupid to wander so far from home but," She stopped herself before the excuses started coming out. This wasn't a time to upset the man.

"Have you seen her yet, Adelita?" Khiara refered to the golden strider in the coral, peacefully following Vsenri like they'd lived together all their lives. There were things Khiara needed to ask Vanator about the bonding, about the feeling she had when Adelita opened her mind. And of course, she needed to tell him about Ronan. It was eating at her, and Goddess knew he had confided in her about everything so far - as much as it had hurt her. Still, if they were going to talk, she wanted to ask him about this first.

"Vanator, when she...when we connected, I felt something. I could see - no see isn't the right word - I could feel you, and Kashik. It was like if I concentrated hard enough I could find out exactly where you were."

[Vanator]

Khiara could not hide when her emotions altered. Vanator was pretty good at reading people, but his second wife possessed the beautiful yet telling eyes of the children of Avanthal. Gold swirls mingled with the violet of her irises, an indication that something was bothering her. When she apologized for going into the grass alone, the husband's smile reached fully across his lips, a warm, forgiving expression in his gold-flecked eyes. It was guilt of disobeying, and probably the scolding too, that troubled Khiara. "What's done is done Khi, and thank Semele and Caiyha that you only injured your ankle." Vanator, sitting cross-legged, reached for a whetstone and his battle ax lying next to him. "And yes, I have seen Adelita, she is a beautiful mare and a fine strider. I think you both have chosen well. We need to make arrangements for your windmark." Van began to rhythmically slide the stone across the edge of the ax blade. The sharpening paused when Khiara asked about the connection with Adelita. Vanator looked up at the vanthan woman, his brows furrowed for a moment, then a quick nod before resuming the honing of the blade. "That is her link to the Web. Adelita, like all striders, are able to tap into the Web, its what gives them the ability to run with such great speed over the grasslands. What you felt was the Web as well. It is a very....drykas thing." Again he looked up at the raven-haired beauty and grinned. Now the whole family was drykas. "Do not mess with it, leave the Webbing to father and I."

[Khiara]

Schink, schink, schink...

Watching as the golden skinned man stroked the edge of his axe along the oily-looking stone, Khiara felt a twist in her stomach. The windmark, yes. A painful experiance, from what she could tell...but an important one. It completed her transition into the drykas culture. Still, the vantha wasn't exactly an advocate for being on the recieving end of pain.

Schink, schink, schink...


The web, the mystical pathways that joined the drykas to the land in a way far more deep than the young woman could fathom. As Vanator smiled at her, she smiled back distractedly, her eyes still golden in the firelight.

"I have no plans to step into what I don't understand, so I will gladly leave the..Webbing to you gentlemen." Glancing at the axe again, the raven haired girl sat up a little better, taking a breath to speak before letting it out again. Goddess how could she tell him. She had to tell him.

Schink, schink, schink...

"Vanator I....I want to talk to you about something." Her gaze shifted to the pillow wrapped in her arms, and nervously she picked at the beautiful embroydery.

"Goddess knows, I love you. And I want nothing more than to be with you till Morwen calls my soul back to her, and to have your children. I respect you as my husband and my soulmate..." It was hard to bring the words to her mouth, feeling sicker by the minute. Granted, Ronan had taken what wasn't his to have...but it didn't make it any less hard to tell the man.

"Goddess forgive me...." Khiara muttered in vani, before taking another breath.

"The other night...before Adelita and I bonded, I met a man at the corral. Ronan Windsong. He is...from one of the pavillions, but I don't know which one. It's disbanded, I think. He accompanied me for a ride on his own strider, I took Vsenri. We were talking, about the stars and life, and he told me how he had lost his brother...I just wanted to give him an ear to listen. I didn't..." The golden eyed girl was rambling, her brow furrowed.

"Vanator, he kissed me." She said in a quiet voice, before quickly rushing into an explination.

"I didn't even know it was coming, and I swear I didn't imply I had any feelings for him. One moment he was talking to me, opening up his soul, and the next moment he grabbed me and pulled me in."

[Vanator]

Khiara's tentative words drew her drykas husband's eyes. He could see the gold still swirling in her irises, and her open ended statement left him wondering if it was more that the incident with the glassbeak and his reproach that troubled her. A slight grin curled the edge of Vanator's mouth as she spoke of adoration for him, but he noted that her statement was delivered with a tone that carried a silent 'but'. Van listened to Khiara's confession in silence. That silence grew heavy once her words faded. Vanator's gaze fell from Khiara, looking at the stone and ax in his hand. Slowly, he set the sharpening rock on one side of him, the ax to the other. Windsong. He knew the family name. The pavilion was no more, one of the more unfortunate victims of the dangerous life in the grass. Her words echoed in his head, only three of them garnering any attention. He kissed me. Van did not reflect back on her excuses, though he was sure it all started innocently, just has it had between he and the northern girl not so long ago. "He...kissed you." Vanator repeated, not so much confirming what Khiara had told him, as much as tasting the words on his tongue. They were bitter, causing his stomach to tighten. "You rode with this man, a stranger." Again, the words were not meant to seek clarity, they were edged with disapproval. "So, what did you do, slap his face? Did you ride off immediately to distance yourself from him? Did you come to me to claim your honor, and mine, had been stained by this man's assault on you?" His last statement obviously declared Vanator's anger that this was not brought to his attention immediately. After he himself had confessed to kissing another woman, Kashik was poignant in forcing him to imagine his reactions should one of his wives embrace and kiss another man. Vanator's reaction was immediate rage at even the thought of someone else touching, kissing his wives. It had been an effective tool in reminding the drykas of his duty to honor the unions he had entered before Cheva herself. Now...the tables had been turned. He would have to find Windsong. ...and he told me how he had lost his brother...I just wanted to give him an ear to listen. Though he wanted to believe Khiara, unable to comprehend that the ever-faithful and loving vantha would seduce, or even present herself as open to such an advance, a malevolent voice whispered a reminder how the common loss that he and Khiara had shared lead to their first kiss, and the love between them was ignited. Though he was unsure what Khiara could have done to invite a kiss, the jealous husband placed most of the blame squarely upon this Ronan. Thinly veiled anger hid beneath Vanator's fire-lit visage. He brought his thought back to the questions he had asked her. "How do you answer, Khiara?" He asked, his voice calm, and edged with iron-sharpness. The Denusk was already imagining what he was going to do to Windsong once he found him.

[Khiara]

She couldn't meet his eyes, couldn't bare to see what she might face. As he asked how she reacted, the young vantha felt a flush of stupidity rise to her cheeks. Why hadn't she done any of that? Why hadn't she told him as soon as she had come home? The events of that evening swirled in her mind, and she wished to the Goddess she could take it back.

The silent pause between his questions weighed heavily like a coiled snake about to strike. Khiara kept her golden eyes on the pillow in her hands, able to see the drykas out of the corner of her eye. He was violently mad, an emotion she'd yet to see from Vanator. The girl wasn't used to it, from anyone. As he questioned her again the brunette felt her stomach roil. His voice spoke volumes in the calmness of his tone.

"I...I rode Vsenri. And I didn't...I didn't know what do to. I stopped it, and told him I was taken. I'm sorry Vanator, please. I don't think he knew, and it was all so
sudden. He got my...my message confused. I only wanted to give him a friend." Khiara said in a quiet voice, wanting to just dissapear. Lifting her gaze slightly, thr vantha swallowed.

"The past few days have been so hard. I didn't know how to tell you."

[Vanator]

Though the drykas husband seethed, unable to get out of his head the image of Windsong kissing his wife, Vanator was hard pressed to lay blame on Khiara. She had a gentle heart and spirit, he knew that. Still, perhaps there was something telling in the fact that she would even allow herself to be alone with another man, sharing intimate details of their lives. Was Khiara seeking something he himself was not giving her? Had he neglected her, had he not been there when she needed him? His gut tightened as he mulled over the implications of what had happened. He was enraged at Ronan, disappointed at Khiara, and stung with the guilty memory of his own breech in fidelity. The situation distrubed him greatly, and Vanator wrestled with his emotions as much as he fought to maintain his composure. His eyes did not leave Khiara, though the vanthan would not meet his gaze. He stood and strode around the brazier to look down at her. "You give this man too much credit. You say he did not know? Did not know you belonged to another man?" His voice was still subdued, but strained with tenstion. His hand reached down to brush back her raven hair to expose her neck. The drykas looked at the image imbedded in her skin, just below her ear. The design consisted of a spear, ax and snowflake entertwined, the chevas mark proclaiming the marriage between he, Kashik and Khiara. "Yet Cheva herself has marked you so all can see you are mine, and I am yours. You are beautiful, Khiara. No man could resist exploring you with his eyes, even in the shadow of your hair, I will not believe he did not see the mark." Speaking the words only fed the fire of Vanator's angst towards Ronan. His hand dropped, and Khiara's locks fell back into place. Finally, her golden eyes lifted to Vanator's. The hard edge to his features softened a bit as he looked into her pained eyes...the eyes that never ceased to make his heart skip a beat. "So...there was no feelings for this man?" Now, Van's self-doubts and pride weedled into his inquiry. Was she looking for something he was not providing her?

[Khiara]

As Vanator stood, the brunette felt a sudden fear grip her stomach. If he came to strike her down, he was within his rights to. But it didn't change how much it scared her. Instead, he reached down gently to move her hair, gesturing to the chevas mark.

He was right, of course. There was no hiding the mark, and on that night she had worn her hair up in braids. Khiara felt awful, sickly. She wanted to just erase it all. There was no way she would ever lay the blame entirely on Ronan, too easy she recalled the pain he was going through. And how she'd gone through it. Vanator knew it too. Surely, he could understand...

Feelings? His voice was so, small and almost afraid. Khiara took the opportunity to reach up and take his hand with both of hers, to pull him down beside her, heart thumping wildly in her chest. Her golden eyes were brimming with tears and she shook her head vehemently.

"No Vanator, Goddess no. There were no feelings for him. I love you more than life itself. The kiss, it caught me off guard and for a moment - a mere second - my being felt...but my heart did not. And does not." Catching a sob before it started, the brunette held his face between her hands, lip trembling.

"You are the tomorrow to my today, the morning to my night. You are the future to my past." She said in vani, golden eyes begging him to believe her, to understand how much she hated what happened. Switching to her rusty hold of pavi, the young vantha continued.

"I love Vanator, no other. Forgive, please." Swallowing, she changed back to common.

"Forgive me please. I hate myself so much right now, and I wanted to tell you. I did, but Goddess..." It was hard to talk, her throat constricting with the emotions in her voice. Taking a moment, she moved to grip his hands tightly.

"I want, for nothing, in you." Her words stopped, unable to continue what was in her heart. Perhaps she had been searching, but not intentionally. And it was not something Vanator could control. It was her own shortfallings. It pained her to be in the pavilion day and night, as much as she adored the son of his First Wife as though her own, it was a constant reminder of that she had yet to conceive. She had been searching, for a distraction. But not a lover or a trist. Just time alone. Ronan's appearance had just been a kindred spirit to accompany her, and distract her own depressing thoughts away from her own problems.

[Vanator]

Vanator saw the distress in Khiara's bright golden eyes, glistening with waiting tears, her mouth turned into a desperate frown. Her small hands enveloped his, and he allowed himself to be pulled to the cushions next to his wife. The vanthan's words were thick with emotion, and he detected the ragged restraint of her sobs. He wanted to believer her, his heart wrenched more as she took his face between her warm hands. She recited a phrase in vani, one that she had taught him. Khiara new that he loved the sound of those words when spoken in her lilting native tongue. Then, in his own language, and in common they usually used to converse, his wife begged forgiveness. The drykas believed her regret, he believed she did not instigate or even return the kiss. Khiara was an eloquent woman, and she wore her heart on her sleeve. Vanator's anger became subdued, at least his anger at Khiara. Ronan, on the other hand, would not find him so forgiving. He understood heartache, even as Khiara said Ronan had felt. But Vanator had never sought the company of another man's wife to ease his suffering. Among the drykas, there was no shortage of women who had lost loved ones, husbands, sons...women who were not married. Surely he could find one to listen to his woes. He held Khiara's hands firmly. There was the matter of what she was truly seeking engaging in a conversation with the man. She had endured bouts of homesickness and feeling disconnected from the drykas culture. Her husband had seen longing in her eyes, for some place...and maybe someone. Duty and fatherhood had been the focus of his attentions lately. He knew the vanthan longed to bear him a child, and feared she would not. Perhaps he could have spent more time with her. That, however, did not excuse seeking solace, allowing conversation to lead where it did, with a strange man. Why had she not told him if she was unhappy? In other parts of the world, men had time to dissect a woman's behavior to discern what she truly is thinking. Drykas men do love, and love hard. But the drykas are too busy surviving and burying those who don't to play the sycophant who can read women's minds. That was why drykas women were as up front and real as their men. The tense ire was gone from Vanator's face, and a softness returned, but the lines of authority, and a certain determination remained. "Khiara, I believe you. I believe the kiss meant nothing to you. You offered me forgiveness when I did the same, and I offer you mine. But know this. I do not hold this Ronan so guiltless. You know I understand a loss like his, there is not a soul in this city that has not lost someone. If he knew you were married, and he kissed you, then my honor has been slighted, and I will regain it." His tone was quiet but absolute. "We have both made mistakes that endangered the Denusk name, I hope that is behind us both."His tone inferred that she was not to again place herself in the situation she had with Ronan. "If you did, in your heart knowing or not, find yourself seeking comfort from this man, then I have not been the husband you need. I expect you to be honest with me Khi. I love and adore you, as part of me forever, I need to know when you are unhappy and why. Your joy, and that of Kashik and Zivatar, are very important to me." Van softened his firm words by leaning forward and kissing her on the forehead, and then lightly on the lips.