She stared after the disappearing bird with a numb feeling hovering over her mind. It wasn't like when she had gotten angry and lashed out at Eoin only to realize that she had misunderstood him, nor was is like the time when Sairque Endal had placed her in charge of a group of yasi that hated her guts. Both times she had felt her mind cease to function, felt how her thoughts recoiled from fear or shame as if she had been struck by a mental blow. It was similar, but not the same. The shame she had felt then couldn't possibly compare to the one she was feeling now, and her fear over her own weakness was stronger than anything she had come across before. Seconds passed as the words of the grand eagle replayed in her mind, every time displaying his stare in vivid detail, her mind almost reveling in the feeling of his thoughts in her mind, how lazy curiosity had turned to scrutinizing, only to break out in disappointment at what he found.
A voice in the back of her head mumbled to itself, trying to find a reason for why she had ended up like this, so completely shattered from just some words. She had faced those before, even harsher still, and never had she reacted this way. Was it because she had opened up, dared to reveal something about herself? Perhaps, but she had done that before and been rejected. It was always bound to hurt, but not even her irrational fear of pain could explain this dumbfound staring she seemed to have engaged in.
Then, because he was an eagle? She had always admired them, always tried to picture her first meeting with one and the various ways it might turn out; everything from ending up as bonded and celebrated as Endal to being pecked to pieces and killed had she thought of, but never had she ever been able to think the thought that she could be judged and found to be of so small importance that it didn't even bother getting rid of her.
The humiliation of being so completely rejected rose, burned her copper cheeks until they glowed in ocher-red hues; the mist around her mind stirred, shifted, but didn't vanish. Not yet. She had to find an answer for herself, had to follow this trail to an end. So she was upset by the rejection of the magnificent creature; but that was to be expected, right? He had an Endal already after all, it wasn't like she was trying to bond with him. Thank all the gods in heaven that she wasn't, something mumbled within her with dry amusement; the beginning of a smirk twitched at her lips before it died away again. At the very least, that was a fate she wouldn't have to face.
The numbness was beginning to cease, her thoughts were given room to spread more easily, not as inhibited anymore. With cold, scrutinizing eyes she regarded herself from the outside, tried to see her as she must have looked through the eyes of the eagle. Small, strange, barely Inarta at all with those black eyes and dark hair. Short, possibly frail in built, though too young still to really be judged based on looks. Her words then, her behavior. She had spoken on request, never protested against neither the Endal nor the Eagle, hadn't hesitated in the slightest to follow their orders in following or revealing her inner core. Honest, yes, and earnest, but hardly very intelligent. The questions, and her replies then?
Once again, honesty beyond doubt, but also deeply rooted weakness. Doubt, about the worth of her life and her actions, about her blood and her right to be where she were. Loneliness too, a wish to rely on someone other than herself. Might be good, but paired with that much doubt it was bound to become unhealthy, a weak point that easily could be used, misused. She had a goal, yes, but it was based on fear; fear of not belonging, fear of not being good enough, fear of pain and humiliation and the fate that awaited her if she didn't evolve.
It was so simple, really. The girl was scared, and she had become paralyzed by it, unable to move either back or forth because of the things that might await her. Like a strike of a hammer the memory of her dream fell down upon her, brought back into the light by the symbolic thought. She remembered that dark desert she had been standing in, how fear and terror closed in all around her, and how two doors had been standing before her. She still wasn't sure what exactly they represented; she couldn't recall what the Dreamwalker had said, but a suspicion was beginning to grow within her. She was half, and right now she was in a way standing between two choices; or three, rather.
Either she could remain where she were, trapped by fear of things that might happen; eventually it would engulf her, eat her up, and that would be the end of her. Or she could swallow ignore her fear, carry on as she was and take the easy route, go to the Valintar and ask for a place among the Chiet once she turned fifteen and settle with whatever they chose to give her. It was a possibility, she could probably do all right like that; a mellow life as teacher or at the nursery, taking care of the yasi as they grew up; making a small niche for herself where she could survive, somehow.
And then there was a third option, one that had lingered in the back of her mind for a long time now, ever since old man Val spoke to her about her heritage the first time. She had ignored it, waved it away as impossible, silly, stupid, she had trampled the option and rubbed it under her heel, but still hadn't been able to completely crush it.
She could leave. Not forever, no of course not. Wind Reach was her home, she would never want to settle down and live the rest of her life away from this place. She loved it too much, was too strongly tied to the mountain and the eagles and the hard, stubborn, hot-headed and wonderfully warm people that lived here. No, but she could leave for a while, a little while to travel south and east, to the hot deserts of her fathers people, and maybe learn more about this other side of herself that so far only had caused grief.
The gatekeeper had awoken a curiosity within her, a desire to know more, and as she saw how well Kovac handled being half in this place that desire only grew stronger. He had accepted who he was it seemed, and because of that he was whole in a completely different way than she was. Age probably mattered too of course, but the girl thought it was more than that. Kovac -knew- who he was, what it meant to be Vantha as well as Inarta... Rista didn't. She knew next to nothing about the Chaktawe, and no matter how anyone explained or how she read in the books, it couldn't tell her anything. She had to see them, feel them for herself to understand, and that wasn't something she could do here.
The option was daunting, terrifying, but it was so alluring at the same time. The girl felt that she could have stared herself blind on it if she had been allowed, but slowly the reality was beginning to press down upon her, bringing her mind back to her current situation.
The numbness gave away and the yasi stirred, shifted and blinked as she looked around. The shadows of the room had barely moved at all, her musings couldn't have taken more than a few chimes, five or ten at the most. The humiliation of the dismissing words began to once again burn on her cheeks, but even so there wasn't even a thought about disobedience within her.
'Fetch a dek to finish cleaning' was the order that had been given, and from the eagle directly. That kind of thing overruled anything the Endal outside might have to say, and it was what finally pushed the little mongrel up on her feet; the dark fabric of her bryda were heavy with water that had seeped in from the floor and made them sag a bit on her hips, but at least it didn't show that they were wet. Leaning down to pick up the brush and the bucket, Rista felt oddly empty as she began to walk to the door.
That bird had been rather snarky, hadn't he? she complained to herself once her thoughts began to function more like they used to, the deep revelations about herself sinking back to be regarded when she could be alone. Snarky and arrogant; no wonder that the Endals were so harsh, when they had these kinds of thoughts in their head all the time. She had a slight headache herself from the invasion; she opened the door and stepped through it, then turned around and closed it thoroughly behind her. She might have made a fool out of herself, but she was going to be an obedient fool, thoroughly doing as the grand eagle had said.
"And I was not crying" she muttered to herself in futile defense, grumpy because she knew how childish she sounded when she talked to herself like this. And because it wasn't completely true. Her eyes were sore and the cheeks a little damp still, but that had been from pain and shock from his invasion of her mind, not from sadness or... Luckily there was no one to hear, since the eagle was long gone by now. The copper-skinned girl pushed her hair back behind the ear as she turned around and lifted her eyes... and froze, as the gaze landed on the Endal at the other side of the room.
A heartbeat passed, then two, and another, and Rista fought desperately to remember if she had seen the man stand there when she stepped out through the door. She couldn't remember for the life of her, nor did she have any idea how much he knew about the conversation between her and the eagle. Had he heard everything, had he been -aware- somehow, being bonded and all? More importantly, had he heard her comment just now, with her sulking tone and.. She didn't know, and it made it hard to meet those steady, blue eyes.
Her black gaze strayed and made use of the fact that it was impossible to tell where her pupils were faced, slid over his frame instead and couldn't help but notice the water that dripped from his red hair and rolled in gleaming beads over the bare well-toned chest. Had he been taking a bath? He must have been in a hurry up since he hadn't dried off, the bryda was plastering against his legs in a rather.. revealing way, and the young woman suddenly shoved a hand into her hair and looked away, feeling how her cheeks heated up.
Well, it couldn't be denied that he was a good looking man, it was true no matter how she twisted and turned, but how utterly inappropriate it was of her to react like this! And in this kind of situation, what had gone into her? Hopefully he'd take her red face for shame over being dismissed before she was finished with her chores; it'd be true as well, but frankly, with her thoughts in such a disarray as they were, that small fact ended up pretty low on her list of concerns.
"I'm sorry Endal" she finally managed to press forth, feeling a need to say something. "It seems I can't accept your reward at this point.. since my services were inadequate." She gave the apple a quick glance, her stomach giving her a sudden stab as reminder that it would be dinner soon; it wasn't that she didn't want it, but to accept it under conditions like these would have felt dishonest. She hadn't finished the task he had asked of her, after all...
A voice in the back of her head mumbled to itself, trying to find a reason for why she had ended up like this, so completely shattered from just some words. She had faced those before, even harsher still, and never had she reacted this way. Was it because she had opened up, dared to reveal something about herself? Perhaps, but she had done that before and been rejected. It was always bound to hurt, but not even her irrational fear of pain could explain this dumbfound staring she seemed to have engaged in.
Then, because he was an eagle? She had always admired them, always tried to picture her first meeting with one and the various ways it might turn out; everything from ending up as bonded and celebrated as Endal to being pecked to pieces and killed had she thought of, but never had she ever been able to think the thought that she could be judged and found to be of so small importance that it didn't even bother getting rid of her.
The humiliation of being so completely rejected rose, burned her copper cheeks until they glowed in ocher-red hues; the mist around her mind stirred, shifted, but didn't vanish. Not yet. She had to find an answer for herself, had to follow this trail to an end. So she was upset by the rejection of the magnificent creature; but that was to be expected, right? He had an Endal already after all, it wasn't like she was trying to bond with him. Thank all the gods in heaven that she wasn't, something mumbled within her with dry amusement; the beginning of a smirk twitched at her lips before it died away again. At the very least, that was a fate she wouldn't have to face.
The numbness was beginning to cease, her thoughts were given room to spread more easily, not as inhibited anymore. With cold, scrutinizing eyes she regarded herself from the outside, tried to see her as she must have looked through the eyes of the eagle. Small, strange, barely Inarta at all with those black eyes and dark hair. Short, possibly frail in built, though too young still to really be judged based on looks. Her words then, her behavior. She had spoken on request, never protested against neither the Endal nor the Eagle, hadn't hesitated in the slightest to follow their orders in following or revealing her inner core. Honest, yes, and earnest, but hardly very intelligent. The questions, and her replies then?
Once again, honesty beyond doubt, but also deeply rooted weakness. Doubt, about the worth of her life and her actions, about her blood and her right to be where she were. Loneliness too, a wish to rely on someone other than herself. Might be good, but paired with that much doubt it was bound to become unhealthy, a weak point that easily could be used, misused. She had a goal, yes, but it was based on fear; fear of not belonging, fear of not being good enough, fear of pain and humiliation and the fate that awaited her if she didn't evolve.
It was so simple, really. The girl was scared, and she had become paralyzed by it, unable to move either back or forth because of the things that might await her. Like a strike of a hammer the memory of her dream fell down upon her, brought back into the light by the symbolic thought. She remembered that dark desert she had been standing in, how fear and terror closed in all around her, and how two doors had been standing before her. She still wasn't sure what exactly they represented; she couldn't recall what the Dreamwalker had said, but a suspicion was beginning to grow within her. She was half, and right now she was in a way standing between two choices; or three, rather.
Either she could remain where she were, trapped by fear of things that might happen; eventually it would engulf her, eat her up, and that would be the end of her. Or she could swallow ignore her fear, carry on as she was and take the easy route, go to the Valintar and ask for a place among the Chiet once she turned fifteen and settle with whatever they chose to give her. It was a possibility, she could probably do all right like that; a mellow life as teacher or at the nursery, taking care of the yasi as they grew up; making a small niche for herself where she could survive, somehow.
And then there was a third option, one that had lingered in the back of her mind for a long time now, ever since old man Val spoke to her about her heritage the first time. She had ignored it, waved it away as impossible, silly, stupid, she had trampled the option and rubbed it under her heel, but still hadn't been able to completely crush it.
She could leave. Not forever, no of course not. Wind Reach was her home, she would never want to settle down and live the rest of her life away from this place. She loved it too much, was too strongly tied to the mountain and the eagles and the hard, stubborn, hot-headed and wonderfully warm people that lived here. No, but she could leave for a while, a little while to travel south and east, to the hot deserts of her fathers people, and maybe learn more about this other side of herself that so far only had caused grief.
The gatekeeper had awoken a curiosity within her, a desire to know more, and as she saw how well Kovac handled being half in this place that desire only grew stronger. He had accepted who he was it seemed, and because of that he was whole in a completely different way than she was. Age probably mattered too of course, but the girl thought it was more than that. Kovac -knew- who he was, what it meant to be Vantha as well as Inarta... Rista didn't. She knew next to nothing about the Chaktawe, and no matter how anyone explained or how she read in the books, it couldn't tell her anything. She had to see them, feel them for herself to understand, and that wasn't something she could do here.
The option was daunting, terrifying, but it was so alluring at the same time. The girl felt that she could have stared herself blind on it if she had been allowed, but slowly the reality was beginning to press down upon her, bringing her mind back to her current situation.
The numbness gave away and the yasi stirred, shifted and blinked as she looked around. The shadows of the room had barely moved at all, her musings couldn't have taken more than a few chimes, five or ten at the most. The humiliation of the dismissing words began to once again burn on her cheeks, but even so there wasn't even a thought about disobedience within her.
'Fetch a dek to finish cleaning' was the order that had been given, and from the eagle directly. That kind of thing overruled anything the Endal outside might have to say, and it was what finally pushed the little mongrel up on her feet; the dark fabric of her bryda were heavy with water that had seeped in from the floor and made them sag a bit on her hips, but at least it didn't show that they were wet. Leaning down to pick up the brush and the bucket, Rista felt oddly empty as she began to walk to the door.
That bird had been rather snarky, hadn't he? she complained to herself once her thoughts began to function more like they used to, the deep revelations about herself sinking back to be regarded when she could be alone. Snarky and arrogant; no wonder that the Endals were so harsh, when they had these kinds of thoughts in their head all the time. She had a slight headache herself from the invasion; she opened the door and stepped through it, then turned around and closed it thoroughly behind her. She might have made a fool out of herself, but she was going to be an obedient fool, thoroughly doing as the grand eagle had said.
"And I was not crying" she muttered to herself in futile defense, grumpy because she knew how childish she sounded when she talked to herself like this. And because it wasn't completely true. Her eyes were sore and the cheeks a little damp still, but that had been from pain and shock from his invasion of her mind, not from sadness or... Luckily there was no one to hear, since the eagle was long gone by now. The copper-skinned girl pushed her hair back behind the ear as she turned around and lifted her eyes... and froze, as the gaze landed on the Endal at the other side of the room.
A heartbeat passed, then two, and another, and Rista fought desperately to remember if she had seen the man stand there when she stepped out through the door. She couldn't remember for the life of her, nor did she have any idea how much he knew about the conversation between her and the eagle. Had he heard everything, had he been -aware- somehow, being bonded and all? More importantly, had he heard her comment just now, with her sulking tone and.. She didn't know, and it made it hard to meet those steady, blue eyes.
Her black gaze strayed and made use of the fact that it was impossible to tell where her pupils were faced, slid over his frame instead and couldn't help but notice the water that dripped from his red hair and rolled in gleaming beads over the bare well-toned chest. Had he been taking a bath? He must have been in a hurry up since he hadn't dried off, the bryda was plastering against his legs in a rather.. revealing way, and the young woman suddenly shoved a hand into her hair and looked away, feeling how her cheeks heated up.
Well, it couldn't be denied that he was a good looking man, it was true no matter how she twisted and turned, but how utterly inappropriate it was of her to react like this! And in this kind of situation, what had gone into her? Hopefully he'd take her red face for shame over being dismissed before she was finished with her chores; it'd be true as well, but frankly, with her thoughts in such a disarray as they were, that small fact ended up pretty low on her list of concerns.
"I'm sorry Endal" she finally managed to press forth, feeling a need to say something. "It seems I can't accept your reward at this point.. since my services were inadequate." She gave the apple a quick glance, her stomach giving her a sudden stab as reminder that it would be dinner soon; it wasn't that she didn't want it, but to accept it under conditions like these would have felt dishonest. She hadn't finished the task he had asked of her, after all...