[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

[Rista]

Welcome to my humble abode. Be warned, this isn't going to be anything fancy. I'm bad at updating and in a couple of days I will probably forget about this thing. It's how it usually goes. But for the time being, I shall try to behave as you normally do in blogs, or scrapbooks or whatever. Same shit, basically. Lets start with the introductions shall we? Name: Malin Age: 20 Race: Human (At least I was the last time I checked) Height: approximately 5'7'' Weight: ... when I think more closely about it, you really don't need to know. Not too much, at least. Appearance: It's kind of hard to try and describe myself in a good and somewhat honest way. To begin with I can say that I am blond and have bluish-green eyes, depending on the light. I suppose my face is kind of roundish, or maybe square, with cheeks that gets red whenever I get excited or strained, my nose is a bit upturned and I think my lips are somewhat thin. I don't have much of a chin, but I do think that my eyes are rather nice, with a decent almond shape to them.. Not too big, not too small. They shall be spared criticism. As for my hair.. That is a constant project that went out of hand a while back. It started with me dying my hair black when I was fourteen - with permission from mommy, oh yeah. It was a troublesome and quite expensive affair, because my hair reached below my shoulder and it is thick, it never ends. Adding to that it has this flaxen blond shade that absorbs dye like a sponge, so almost every other week I had to dye my hair again since the color had become gray. I kept it like that for almost a full year, but then this idiot decided that it would be much cooler with red hair. And not only that, it should be red hair in a long Mohawk. Thus I stopped dying my hair black and let it grow, I looked like a scarecrow for months before I dragged my ass to the hairdresser. There, it didn't seem like I got through to the woman properly. She seemed terrified by the idea of shaving off all of that long hair, so for some reason she ended up leaving a 3 millimeter stubble that was dyed red along with the promised mohawk, a thick fringe and bangs on either side of the face. Gorgeous. I actually liked it for a while, but it only took about a week for the stubble to grow out, and I had to dye it once again, because it turned out red was even harder to maintain than black. So, after about a year I let one of my older sisters cut my hair somewhat even - around the ears I think - and dye it black again. Perfectly pointless, but that's me. Then I had periods when I varied between really super silly short hair, half-short and half long. Nothing of it could really be called a hairstyle, it was all just temporary solutions until it got long enough to accommodate for my next crazy idea. At one point I tried to dye green highlights into it all, but it didn't work at all. Instead I got red ones, and they disappeared the next time I dyed the roots. A wonderful way to waste money and time. Finally I had enough. I had saved out the hair so that I had about seven, eight cm of normal hair, the rest hung to my ears, and I was so sick of it that I seriously considered just shaving it all off. My eldest sister offered to help me out, but for some reason it just didn't happen... Anyway, I dragged myself to the hairdresser again and almost pleaded for him to do something about 'that'. Said and done, he picked up the scissor and began to cut, hair with several shades of black disappeared in a blink and I was left with a pale, grayish fluff of normal hair plush highlights. It felt awesome. For about a week. Then I looked like a mushroom because the hair was so thick, and I've always been too lazy to style my hair. What, after all, is the point of washing your hair if you're going to add chemicals to it anyway? I'm just asking. To make a long story short, I still have my normal hair color, and at the moment I'm in the process of saving it out once again. I have a page now, or rather a bob since it's longer at the front than in the neck, and I feel like I'm able to live with both my hair and myself for a while. I need to cut my fringe soon, but that's about the largest operation I'm open for.At least until I get the next crazy idea. Continuing on with the introduction, I suppose I can say a few words about my family. We are a pretty large collection of people that is scattered out over a fair amount of ground. We are also scattered when it comes to relationships. To begin with I have a mother and a father, like most other people. I live with my mother, my little sister and mothers partner, from around seven years back. Which, might I add, is about the longest I've ever lived in any single place. I also have two older half-sisters from mothers previous relationship; they are a fair bit older, the oldest is around 35 and has a husband and three kids, while the younger also is married and lives on her own. We don't have that much frequent contact, but whenever there is something that needs to happen or if anyone needs help, they're always available. In that way it's nice to have grown up siblings. My father is another story. He lives only 2 km away from my current location, and I've spoken to him maybe two or three times this year. Yeeeah, we have some issues that needs working with, but none seems to be very interested. I know I'm not. The biggest problem is probably mothers recent partner though. I can count hundreds of ways in which he annoys/disgust/anger me, but it wouldn't be very nice to leave such bitter content as a first impression. I might deal with it later though, since it's a constant source of bitterness in a life that could have been better. Now comes the hard part. How do I continue? Of course it should be something that is interesting and worth reading. Rantings is a given, and there will probably be a few miserable whines around too, but I promise I shall try to talk about nice and bright things too. Maybe I shall try to end every post with a favorite song? That sounds like a good idea, and if I can revive my camera I'll try to take a few pictures to add as well. Maybe of me, probably on my cats, and if I end up being creative I'll take some pictures of that too. It'll be a nice pause from staring at the screen... Here is for you all to listen to; a little piece of calmness that I offer you, as a thank you because you bothered to read this far.

[Rista]

A story about Time Once upon a time there was a place called Elsewhere. It was a strange and mysterious place where a certain type of people gathered; people who were friends in one place but not so much in another, who had met at some point and liked one another, but were unfortunate enough to live at different places. On the whole there was nothing wrong with Elsewhere, people lived slowly and took events as they came, trying to plan what they could and accept the things they didn't manage to do. The only thing that really disturbed the peace in the land was the horrible witch named Time, and her loyal henchman Distance. They disliked the place and always wanted to sabotage for the ones who tried to travel between Elsewhere and the neighboring location of Nearby. Many times they managed to sabotage planned out meetings. So clever were they in their achievements, that people soon started to feel hesitant about moving between Elsewhere and Nearby. Messages were sent instead, scribbled with vague promises that they might meet at Otherplace instead; it was a far away location, where the sister of time ruled; the drowsy and insecure little Othertime. Othertime wasn't much like her sister, but she did dislike when too many people gathered all at once, and so she always did her best to push the visits of people on her trusted steward, Future. He in turn always shrugged and didn't pay much attention to what was happening around him; he was too occupied with figuring out what would happen tomorrow, and so most of the visitors were forgotten and couldn't enter the place. One time it happened like this. Two persons were at the location of Random, and decided both at the same time that they wanted to go out and have some fun. They bumped into one another in a place know as By Chance, a very interesting place where lots of things happened all the time. They began to talk and soon realized that they find the other interesting; it didn't take long before they had become friends. As they lived on, locations that were placed very far from the other, they made a promise that they would meet two times more, so that each of them could visit the other. They departed happily and felt content as they knew that their friendship wouldn't go to waste. They would meet again and it would be a wonderful time. Little did they know that Time was lurking in Nearby and had noticed the plans as they were made. The witch grew horribly annoyed and decided to stop the plan however she could, and soon began to swoop back and forth, collecting obstacles that she piled in front of the two friends. Whenever they managed to clear the obstacles they were always tired, and if they even then tried to manage away, Distance placed himself in front of them and stretched out as much as he could, until he appeared so long and daunting that not one of the friends dared to move. Again and again Time flew by and dropped more hindrances in their way. They began to feel guilty the both of them; they hadn't come to visit yet, and they hadn't been able to send any notes because of Time. They told themselves again and again that they would do it, sometime when Time allowed it. Only, Time was too pleased with the held up plans to allow anything of the kind, and for each missed moment Distance managed to grow more and more daunting; because, how could they get away when they didn't know for sure that the other still waited? It was still so far to Elsewhere, and Nearby never seemed close enough. At one point though, one of the friends managed to free themselves for a while and scribbled down a message for the friend. They apologized and said they were sorry, but it was just impossible to get away right now. Time didn't allow it, and Distance had become so large... But perhaps they could meet up at Otherplace? Whenever Time allowed, which wasn't going to happen soon. Maybe if they could agree with Othertime it could be possible to figure something out... The message was sent and arrived safely to Elsewhere, and the other friend read the note and were so grateful that they hadn't lost their friendship. They immediately wrote a letter and sent it away to Othertime, asking if it would be possible to meet up at her place. Othertime in turn wasn't so happy when she read the note. Why did people have to meet in her home all the time, instead of going to Somewhere Else? She became annoyed, and like always when she was she tossed the letter to Future and told him to deal with it. But Future didn't notice anything, and so the letter fell to the floor, soon forgotten. Time relentlessly continued to disturb any attempts at meeting, and whenever she passed by the friends lost their hope a little more. Why didn't a reply come from Othertime? Was one of the friends still stuck in Nearby, or had they come to Elsewhere without saying something? They became unhappy and began to doubt themselves and the other. No reply came, and eventually they gave up all hope and stopped trying. When Time noticed that she had succeeded in her efforts, she finally left them alone, moving on to mess with others. But Distance had made himself comfortable and chose to stay, always nagging whenever he got a chance. From time to time it happened that one of the former friends stopped in their path and thought back on all the lost opportunities. But it was too late now, Time had ruined everything and there was nothing to be done. So they both carried on in their lives, mostly happy but always with the gnawing feeling of regret pinching within. The moral of this tale is as follows. You shouldn't let Time push you around, because once she has started she will never stop. Distance is only as scary as you allow him to be, and once he has been defeated he won't bother you anymore. Don't wait around for things to happen; make sure they do, so that you won't end up regretting anything. And whatever you do, don't trust that things will happen some Other Time. If you keep saying that it will only ever be pushed to the Future, and from there nothing will be accomplished.

[Rista]

04.00am

Okay, so I just had a horrible nightmare that made me claw myself awake. I don't want to remember it, but I have this feeling that if I don't get it off my chest I'll end up dreaming it over again.

It's already fading for the most part, but I remember that I was at my grandmothers house and was going to spend the night there. We were puffing up one of those portable air mattresses but just couldn't seem to get it filled enough to sleep on; it was dark and everyone was tired and a bit snappy. Then my younger sister was about to have a baby (in my grandmothers kitchen of all places, on a hospital bed that stood next to the bench where all the tableware is kept), and as she lay in labor some things I can't remember right now happened... When she was done with birthing we all gathered around her to look at the baby, that was small and pale, and then the scenery changed as someone tried to solve a mysterious case of disappearances. (Picture of a small white doll lying on the walkway) A detective lady tilted her head and asked if I had ever seen a cat drowned in the sewars (image of someone hauling a dead, drenched cat up from a hole under the walkway of some dark, rainy street). I nodded that yes, I had, and then she asked; What about the missing kids? Did I know why they didn't appear in the same way? It was because their heads weren't big enough to pass through the metal bars of the sewages, of course, since otherwise there would be infant heads popping up like daisies every time it rained (Image of how a pale, doll-like head with all black eyes pops up by the sewage. A woman with a long dress and an umbrella pulls it up by the head in belief that it is a doll, it's just that it's a really small dead infant, and she hugs it and and then I get the feeling that she wants to eat it but then instead it's like I'm forcing the image to change to where she instead is trying to feed the 'doll' cheese in a bed that is crammed full of blankets and lace in pink and white...

And there I can't stand it anymore and claws myself awake, still with the impressions mixed in my head, and i can still see the limp, pale thing and the tiny bead-like black eyes and.. urhsdnflkjsfsldkvnslkvn (I'm now shuddering from disgust and angst.) Ever seen one of those fat, pale maggots that fishers sometimes use? It looked like one of those in color, pale-fat and clammy and it was just like a doll, only it wasn't, it was a dead kid and it was just one, I had this view of the possibility of them actually appearing all over the streets whenever it rained.

I can't convey my sheer horror in a good way, but trust me when I say it was a bad, bad dream, and I'm not going to sleep anymore today. It might be the result of staying up too late(12 hours plus 12 hours, and then I went to bed at around 22 pm, so.. almost one and a half day without sleep?), and my cousin that is one year older than me has just become a father which was something of a surprise, but it doesn't feel like good enough reasons to dream like that. *whines*



Anyways, now I'm going to listen to cheerful and calming music until I can function properly again. Here's a taste of what I'm drugging myself with in times like these:

[Rista]

Listen to the radio It's funny what sleep deprivation and sugar can do to your brain. Listening to the radio, they played Robbie Williams' "Feel", a song I've always loved. "I just wanna feel real love, Feel the home that I live in. ’cause I got too much life, Running through my veins, going to waste." It's a perfect description of how I feel most of the time; the constant frustration I feel over having so much to give to others and so very few to give it to. My family is really the only ones I have around me at the moment. Because, any friends I've managed to meet always end up living really far away, and it's always that kind of school relation that makes it hard to meet anywhere else; when it comes down to it we're just fleeting acquaintances without much to say outside of schoolwork and immediate events. Only, this time when I listened to the song, it felt more ironic than longing and alluring, because suddenly I couldn't relate all that much to it anymore. I feel like blaming my psychologist for that. She is a wonderful old woman who has helped me enormously when I needed it the most, but in some ways she doesn't seem to understand how the mind of a romantic works. We were discussing the relations between people and what love really was, and she stated that humans doesn't really love any one person. Rather, what they perceive as love is a appeasement and appreciation of their own qualities as they are mirrored within another being. Thus I think we reached the conclusion (or I did at least) that to be able to love someone, you first need to love yourself; if you don't have anything you appreciate within yourself, it's impossible for anything to be reflected in a desired way. While this is completely logical and rational, it isn't the least bit fun. I'm a huge fan of sweet love stories where broken individuals are faced with challenges that seem to grow them over the head, and then end up meeting that single perfect human that manages to complete them, heal them and solves everything just by being there. The notion of 'love at first sight' is something I've been fascinated with ever since I began to understand what it could be like, and I've been searching through crowds for years in hope of that first meeting where our eyes meet and everything just clicks. For someone as practical and down to earth as me, who usually can't imagine doing anything without thorough planning it's a welcome escape to have that kind of silly longings. When asked I usually deny that I'm a romantic, but when it comes down to it I have a really soft spot when it comes to meetings, romantic events and sweet stories. Just because it hasn't happened to me yet, it doesn't mean that it never will; most of the time those heroines are in their middle thirties or so, with a life of struggles behind them. So when the old woman took away my illusions, I felt like there was a hole left within. So, if there's no such thing as love at first sight, and other people can't heal me, how am I supposed to ever find that one true love that I so long for? When it comes to loving myself I have severe issues, I have a tendency to compare everything I do to others and I always end up inferior; even if I at first was proud of myself and pleased with any accomplishment, it never seems good enough when I look at what others have done in the same amount of time. I just can't believe that people mean it whenever they compliment me on things, and the times I do, I soon begin to feel arrogant and selfish for actually agreeing with them. Who am I to think well of myself? This has a tendency to cause problems for me as well. I think the second verse of the song describes it pretty well; "I don’t wanna die, But I ain’t keen on living either. Before I fall in love, I’m preparing to leave her. I scare myself to death, That’s why I keep on running. Before I’ve arrived, I can see myself coming." This phrase seems to fit me rather well; in fact, it's so similar to how I behave that it's creepy. I find myself terrified of being connected to someone, and whenever I end up in a relationship - because that's how it works each and every time. There's no time to think it over, no real thought to what I want with it and no restraints when it comes to anything as remote as actually getting to know the person for real - I seem to panic. I feel as if I suddenly have a responsibility to be the perfect partner, only say and do fun and interesting things, offer up my body and time whenever desired and be happy and pleased. It's just, after just a short time, maybe a month or two, I feel so suffocated that I can't make myself stay anymore. I run, as far and fast as I can and sadly that kind of escape might have left some real wounds behind. Because the boys I've met have all been nice and sweet, almost bland and vapid in their unconditional kindness, and I left them with nothing but a text message or a mail as apology; sometimes it wasn't even that. I have never been able to believe that they would like me for my flaws and not despite them, and because of that I never believed that it would be any real point in trying to find out if I actually loved them. I don't think I did, but it's hard to know since I never lingered long enough to find out. Thus, I feel a bit stuck where I am right now. If there's no one but myself to lean on when it comes to love and relationships I have to do it myself. And with so few and faraway friends there's really no one to discuss it with, and no way to really change my ways; because without the influence of other people I rarely do anything at all. And for all in life I just can't seem to find any redeeming points about myself; I'm consumed by my desires and they take up all my time and weigh down on the things I do. I'm overflowing with emotions and they control everything I do, so much that a simple conversation with a person makes me feel exhausted afterwards from the sheer strain it takes to not pour all my heart over that single poor individual. I've never been afraid of sharing, I just don't want to bother others with myself when I'm not sure that they have time to listen. And so, it was with mixed emotions I listened to the radio. Thoughts that were close to bitter ran through my mind, and the longing to belong and feel that bittersweet emotion once again grew more intense than usual. I still like the song very much, I just wish I could change so much that I wouldn't feel as if it was me who was speaking.... And here, at the end of my rant I shall leave you to listen to it and see for yourself what it means. Remember, when you listen to this, it might as well be me talking...

[Rista]

Not much to say.. I'll go to watch my sisters house (and her cat) for a couple of days while she's away. It's barely worth noting since I'll be having Internet and computer with me. Still, it'll be good getting away from home for a while. Mom is on vacation in Norway, and the state of the house is deteriorating since someone, as in a disgusting and sloppy, stubborn and loath-worthy old man can't clean up after himself. I feel bitter, I want to get away. There's still a month left until I get to go back to school and be free from this horrible house... Gods how I hate this place.

Time or some music I think. I want to get away, so you can listen here and learn how to do it in a good way. Cheers..

[Rista]

It's the weirdest of sensations when meeting someone new How they catches your attention and opens up your view. It's strange how far you go then to act your very best; How everything around you turns out to be a mess. Of tangled up emotions that no one's sorted out; your mind becomes an ocean and filling up with doubt. 'What if I hadn't said that and behaved another way?' There's never any calm left and restless is your day. How good it is to find then, when all things comes around that all those thoughts turn easy n'only joy is left behind.

[Rista]

Ah, such glorious sunlight. The world is overflowing with brightness and beauty, and yet I find myself longing for the night. When my eyes aren't aching and tearing from the reality of the day, when my inspiration rises to it's very peak and all my darkness comes to life... that is when I feel the very best. Whenever there is rain or heavy mist I feel a trembling sensation arise from within, as lights burn like tarnished gold over wet-black concrete my spirits awaken. A friend once told me that I was strange with how my skin reddens and sting in the hot sunlight, and how I'm always more alert when the sun sets; like a vampire she said, and then laughed it away and didn't think more about it. It's ironic that the same person later on accused me for leeching off of her kindness and patience, that I should get a grip and step out into the 'real' world and stop depending on her. She seemed upset, angry even and couldn't for her life understand how I could 'use' her like that. I was surprised. If you befriend someone who seems like a vampire, wouldn't it be natural to expect selfish behavior? Wouldn't you be able to tolerate a certain amount of greed and understand that such a person is a bit clingy.. especially when you were the only dependable link to that so called 'real' world. What is friends for if not to depend upon, to take advantage of and use? It should have been obvious that the same treatment was meant for me too, as I loved her enough to sacrifice everything just to see her smile. Didn't she understand that I would have given her anything, had she but asked for it? Now that the day has reached its peak and light flows in through white lace curtains, creating patterns of roses and leaves on the walls and floor... I find myself cowering. Shuddering, I guiltily suggests a walk whenever asked what I will do, and quietly hopes to be left alone until night falls and the cool darkness once again lowers over my skin. Enveloped in the velvety shadows I can emerge, remove the blanket that covers my knees and free myself from the burdens the day always seems to bring. In the night I am free, allowed to be who I am and take my time to evolve into the one I have to become. Alone in the darkness there is no one that holds me down, and the bitter memories of broken promises can't touch me anymore. Like a vampire, I am reborn as the moon rises, and all the things that I am; greed, desire, selfishness, listlessness and dependency, have room to play at will. Who cares if a vampire takes advantage of others? It is to be expected, and those that don't enjoy it knows to step away. Do be afraid of the dark. Within it hides all the worst qualities of the world; it is the opposite of light, life and happy endings. Do be wary; those that dwell in the dark have been known to bring shadows with them wherever they go, trailing behind them like veils or a broken spiders web. Do believe us, because when we say that we love, it is a truth spoken from the depths of murky hearts, otherwise untouched by hope or the light of day; for all that we may be hard to understand, we would gladly give up all that we are for the ones that dare to approach us. Darkness is our home, shadows are in our hearts and at sundown we come alive.

[Rista]

Today feels like a good day. ^^ I slept well and woke up from a good dream (about Mizahar, but unfortunately I can't remember much about it; most likely a strange chat with people in Wind Reach) and the only thing that really has annoyed me thus far is the fact that I slept way too long. Oh, and my sister has been working night, so I have to sneak around. But considering the fact that I could take a shower without waking her up she must be pretty tired...

I don't really have any plans for the day. It's both nice and slightly annoying, since I'd like to do something creative, or at least productive. Maybe I'll take on the task of cooking today, just for the heck of it. Or do the dishes I was supposed to do yesterday... At the very least, I have to do something. It's a shame it's such a beautiful day - read hot, sunny and no wind - because otherwise I would have liked to go out for a walk. As it is though, I'm likely to get a heatstroke just by sticking the head outside, so I think I'll wait til' later when it's cooler.

My hair feels oddly nice today too. I used a different shampoo, and now it's all soft and smooth and fluffy... I like it ^^ I actually find myself liking my current hairstyle too, even though it's supposed to be temporary. Or it's because I feel pleased with life as a whole, which is somewhat unusual. :3

[Rista]

In a perfect world, there would be no technology like the one we have to day. We would return to the time when travel was done on horseback and carts, where sailing was done depending on wind and knowledge and skill. In a perfect world, there would be no guns and no wars over belief or land, and we would only have to defend ourselves against the fury of nature and her wild children.

In a perfect world, we would live as one with nature, adapt to her and understand our place; not as one superior, neither as someone inferiour; no, we would be equal. Equal to the roaming giants and the crawling bugs, to the ones we eat and the ones we keep by our sides. Equal to one another, with no differences to be found no matter what we looked like.

In a perfect world, living would be a task that demanded more from us. It would be a struggle and a fight, a pleasure and something that allowed a person to sleep peacefully at night, knowing that even if you didn't wake up the next morning you would still be content. No one would feel alone when surrounded by others, and we would all know that we had a purpose and a place to fill.

_ _ _

In a perfect world, I would be awesome and fit and confident, and I'd be able to use a sword xD In that kind of perfect world, I'd look something like this..:

Egotrippin! :

So yah, basically that rant was just an excuse for me to show that image.. xD I'm an egoistical person, and when I have as awesome a character maker as Hero Machine I just can't help myself. I've made images for Rista and Dulcamara, my characters, I made one for Fois too, and I'm trying to keep myself from making characters out of all the other ones I've made.. Indeed, I am one bored person x3 Humor me please. Oh, and I'm not so sure that picture actually looks anything like me. The coloring should be somewhat correct, and the hairstyle too, but everything else.. hm. I do like blues and greens, especially together, but I really hope that I don't look as grim as she does ^^''

Muhahahaha, I'm just ranting here, so don't pay any attention to it. I'm in a strange mood today...

[Rista]

A song by the Swedish band Kent... I translated the lyrics, just so you can understand the greatness of the song.. :3

Edit: and because coding is bitchin with me right now, you'll have to click the less fun little link below.. I'll try to fix it later when I'm not annoyed by it.

http://youtu.be/fWxUr_vDwwE

Kent "The Others"

A lonely woman's seeking man
Reply to: The heart speaks true
A pessimist in his life-form
I'm scenting blood, it smells of grief

An alien's thirst for love
A wonder who betrayed whom first
Eat fat and sugar until you retch
Or become a four-ton martyr
Sell ​​yourself, sell your expensively

Come borrow my crown of thorns
suffer for the art or burn
I fight and keep the body warm
A dream about my mother's tender embrace

An alien's thirst for love
A wonder who betrayed whom first
And I'd happily become a martyr
We probably need a new
Sell ​​yourself, sell your expensive

A middle finger to death
We walked over corpses
And displayed our love,
our rich inner life
But the tickets to heaven
were sold out when we got there
And the price that we paid
To qualify as elite
Was that we became like the others
We became like the others
We became like the others

And we wont get any further
We are back to zero
But no one will lament
We have played out our role
We forget all that shit
It means nothing
We would have gotten further
But weren't good enough
We became like the others
We became like the others
We became like the others