Open Apology
I posted this as my PC but it probably is better coming from this account.
I posted this as my PC but it probably is better coming from this account.
As some of you know, I've been off work eight weeks. Now I know at least one of you know what that's been like and then some. But for me, I'm a hellishly active person and I don't simmer down and become inactive very well. Breaking my foot at work gave me 8 full weeks of sit down time. It was a nasty break too. I sprained my big toe completely and then shattered the second toe's metatarsal through the knuckle about where your flip flop would rest. The third, forth and firth bones in the foot leading to the toe were also broken. Then, underneath you had a huge bunch of tendons and other muscles that were torn and ripped. It hurt like hell. I was sure I'd be back after 4 because I'm a quick healer. But... beings that I'm not as young as I once was, that 4 turned into 6 and that 6 turned into 8 and just yesterday I got to go back to work full time.
That meant I missed a lot.
I missed running around for two months with my crazy beekeeper friends chasing swarms. Prior to the end of june when I broke it, I captured a ton with and without friends, did a huge amount of carveouts to rescue colonies in buildings that were scheduled to be torn down, remodeled, or sprayed.
I missed girl time with my besties shopping, traveling to the beach, hiking, biking and most importantly trail riding. Not being able to ride almost killed me. It's still killing me because that pressure pad behind my toes that falls across my stirrup bar is where the main damage was done and it hurts like a mofo to even put weight in a stirrup still. So that's seriously cut back and my current riding horse is a handful so I have to sit deep in the saddle and have all brains on board when I take him for a spin. So I'm reduced to the gentle saunder of my drafty which is about as exciting as the day is long. We had an awesome awesome spring in the northwest with almost no rain in sight which has turned into a beautiful summer.
I did almost no gardening. I wrote on Miz for June's little thread writing contest starting in its second week once I could. The first two weeks were taken up by a fog of pain medication that makes nothing really interesting and causes perpetual napping.
I can't run. I can't bounce. I can't skip. I can sashay a little. I still walk with a limp because the soft tissue damage sucks bad and hurts. i use one of those hiking poles that look like ski poles to navigate the uneaven footing in my yard and pastures. My foot is incredibly weak from inactivity for 8 weeks. I'm doing Physical Therapy heavily daily and it sucks but the more it hurts at this point the more ultimately it feels better later on in the day. It felt better than it ever has yesterday after a full day of hammering the gas pedal on my goat at work. It hurt almost to the point of tears the first hour though. I worked through it, and found myself so happy I'm back.
I missed Faerieworlds which I have gone to in the past. I couldn't do it with my foot like this... too much uneven grassy ground.
I don't care about things.
I don't care about Mizahar atm.
For gods sake I'm wearing a mani that has huge chips out of it. I really should be disturbed that I don't care its chipped. But truthfully, I don't care.
So... all the things that bring me joy I am not doing. I'm starting to do them again, but limping out on to the large deck at my home to study my overgrown yard and my weedy garden has been adding to the depression that has been building up and building up and building up. I've never been depressed before. I've honestly never had a sad day in my life. Sadness is not in my nature. I get pissed at things I can't control which is absolutely 100% within my personality. Once I'm unholy hell pissed I go on a rampage and 'fix' everything to my liking. But being angry is far different than being just totally shut down. I don't like this feeling. I don't like this situation.
But it is beyond my control.
So... things are sliding. I want to say they are sliding because I'm too busy but that's about as far from the truth as possible. Things are sliding because my give a shit is busted. Going back to work will help. The concert my best friend has planned for Saturday is also one of those things that will help as well. SJ Tucker will be here in Winlock giving us all an incredible private concert where we can get our inner pagan on, grill, watch firedancers until the morning light, etc. I hope it helps.
And in the mean time, I will try to get back to posting. It's a slow process and it offers me no joy right now. I need some movement, activity, some joy in my real life to make this possible. Work REALLY helped yesterday until they put me back on Swing Shift for the rest of the week to train a new girl who's taking over my position. It's funny. I moved to day shift about four months ago and in all that time they haven't filled my spot. They've just been rotating substitutes through. That kinda cracks me up. And now they want someone dedicated to train the new people so they stick around and do a good job instead of just hang on for five minutes, see what it entails, then hit the road running in panic. So maybe this 'trainer' gig will also put my head back in the right spot. The downside is its hot outside. I don't have AC... and that means at work it will be in the hundreds on the pavement. I'm about looking forward to that like I'm looking forward to working until 1am again. I much prefer the mornings... so I can dink around all the rest of the afternoons.
So... sorry about the whinefest. I just wanted you guys to know why posting has been so slow. It's not you.
