[Gossamer's Scrapbook] The Ethereal Canyon I

by **Liminal** on March 26th, 2015, 3:44 pm

*hugs*

You've been such a good friend to me, and I wish there was more I could do for you right now. If I can do anything though -- even if it's just listen -- please let me know.

by **Gossamer** on March 28th, 2015, 5:01 pm

Responses

Thanks for all the postings. You know, I've really looked into some help for her. But the problem is that in my area (or rather her area) there are only paid services like Elder Options and stuff the medicare provides which is all paid, sub par, and not really a situation like some of you recommended. There's other complications too. She's basically lied to all her friends and other family, telling them that she's broken her arm rather than that she has massively fatal cancer, which limits the number of people she can ask to drive her to radiation therapy 2 hrs away for example. And of course, she figures that they dont' need to know and that us kids will get her there regardless of the cost to us of time loss from our jobs, our free time, and our sanity.

The worst part of cancer, which I was telling someone yesterday, isn't the disease itself. That seems kinda mild in retrospect. The worst part of cancer is how it makes the people who don't have the cancer feel about the people who do have the cancer. We are all going to die. That's a fact. Immortality only exists in things like works of art and writing. She's not a child. She's not an innocent. She's lived 75 years and had a pretty good life of being pampered and spoiled and having never had to work a day in her life. Yet I sit by her side for hours listening to how she bemoans the fact that she's only had these last few years since Dad died on her own, being free to do what she wanted too, and that her whole life has been super hard.

Super hard...

Lets face it. She has money. She has paid off cars, houses, and she's traveled the world. She's never worked a day in her life. She's never wanted for anything. She got bored with her daughter when her daughter was little and shipped her off to her mother to raise so she could maintain her high standard lifestyle.

I want to feel sorry for her. I want to be sympathetic and supportive. I'm fast barreling into the realms of resentment and anger and thinking about how this is just another way she's managed to mess up my life. Horrible right? I'm a totally horrible person. And it gets a lot worse than that. Some things you shouldn't say in a scrapbook post. Some things probably are best left unsaid. But hell, this is me and you know how I am. I'm probalby not the easiest child to have given birth too. I am who I am and I hate my family for the most part. I really want nothing to do with them. I have no idea why I am even taking the time for her, being there, running my ass off, dragging it to work day in and day out without so much as two to three hours of sleep.

But I cried when I found out her brain was free of the tumors. I did. And then I had to apologize to my brother for doing it in front of him and him wondering why I was so upset... and then he just looked at me when I explained. The bastard said nothing. He only nodded. Some of you will understand why I got so upset. Others who don't probably don't need me to spell it out. Some evil should just be implied in the world, not spoken outright.

I got some satisfaction when my brother broke down cussing when I told him she had a 20 percent chance of it being braf mutation and then they could shrink the tumors with pills and she could live comfortably another five years or so. He flipped.... lost his shit... and said he could not take another five years of babysitting a princess. Going out there mowing the lawn, etc.... etc... etc...

He's a lucky guy... my brother. Maybe he'll be right and it will be just his luck.

Yea.... I said that. And I shouldn't have.

Anyhow.... Im resentful as hell that today I'm going to her house all day to bag up clothing. She lives in piles of it around her bed. New clothes too... with tags on them still because they've never been worn. She just likes to shop. It's not safe for her to be in her own home... so she told the docs her kids would clean things up for her. Nice. Thanks Mom. I mean, I have the time right? I dont' work six days a week or anything.

I have a horse farm. I need to do some fencing and its nice outside. I can't do that because she told her docs she wants to go home and home is where shes going to be. She can't get up or down. She can't get off the toilet. She can't dress herself. She can't even shower on her own. But I'm going to clean up her bedroom, do her laundry, and get rid of that hellish pile of shit she has around her bed so that she won't fall. And she's coming home. When I ask her what she's going to do to do all that stuff when she does get home... she simply says... "I don't know." Okay. Fine. Go home mom. Sit in a chair you can't get out of all day. Hold your pee. Piss yourself. Don't' make food for yourself because you can't. But you get what you wanted right? You get to be home! Great.

There's terms for people like this. Selfish and spoiled come to mind.

But I'm telling her flat out I can do things for her.... drive her to appointments etc when I'm not at work. I can't take time off anymore. I can't drive to her house every day from mine. It's too far. I have a mortgage to pay. I have hay to buy and animals to spend time with. I've given more, I feel, than she's given me at this point. And I hate that about myself... how much I am starting to be pissed at all of this. I realize now its not the doctors fault. Its not the health care system. Its not any of that. It is just life. Life spends a lot of time sucking and you get shit thrown at you.

I don't want that happening anymore. I'm going to do the things I love... make time for them.. and try my damnedest to not feel guilty if I ignore someone who probably needs to be ignored.

by **S'Essy** on March 28th, 2015, 5:31 pm

I haven't written anything to you here since, but after reading this I must tell:

I feel you, Goss. I'm really sorry for you and for your mom and I feel you. And maybe my situation is not as hellish as yours, it is for my dad and my aunt. But it is also for me and my sister and my cousins.
My grandpa is really old and recently they found out his brain cells are dying. It's rude of me to say but he is slowly becoming nuts. And he also lives alone in a BIG house, which he doesn't wanna sell. When we go there to help and visit him it's one draining day. He is impatient, demanding and again... impatient! He basically became a spoiled child. He doesn't let us to help because he is stubborn and doesn't understand he has limits. For example: He has a problem with his balance and walks very slowly and can sit down carefully. Well he tried to stand up, my arms went under his armpits to hold him because he hardly could do that. But then he didn't move and didn't say anything what he wanted. Then I was yelled at that I don't hold him properly. It turned out he only wanted to turn on the TV.

My father ad my aunt are also doing what you are doing, bringing him to several doctor appointments. They are always changing his medication and such. He gets really impatient if he doesn't get in right away because he forgets that he isn't the only sick person in the world.

Also he gets really paranoid. Once we were trying to help organize his room and we were packing things for him. I grabbed a pile of paper to take into the shelf. So naturally I turned around to the shelf which was close to the door when he suddenly pointed at me and yelled "DON'T LET HER TAKE IT AWAY!" ...

I could go on with this rant, but all I wanted to say: I might not have to suffer as much of it as you do, because you have to definitely do much more for your mother than I do for my grandpa but I still understand how you feel about it. And I hope it gets better for you and you can solve it somehow!

(sorry if this is a bit messy, I'm a bit messy myself today)
-Bori

by **Traverse** on March 28th, 2015, 5:37 pm

I think a lot of people on this site, who know you well, know you just a little, or even just know of you, appreciate your personality, because I don't think it is an exaggeration at all to say that without your forthright attitude, and your no bullshit policy, Mizahar would not be as open or wonderful, or even in existence today. Personally I find it incredibly brave, even if this is a rant made of utter frustration to post such words here. I think everyone feels this way at some point in their lives (or many times), but most (myself very much included) won't say how they really feel for fear of judgement, or that its 'wrong' in the way that apparently we as human beings should just take all of the shit other less considerate people pile on us because its the 'right' thing to do.

I personally have been so happy to see your post here and on FB about your stained glass, and all of the awesome classes you've signed up for, because gosh darnit you've had enough crap going on in your life. I can't wait to see more things you've made, and I hope you have a superbly productive Spring around your house and with the animals.

by **Achenar** on March 28th, 2015, 5:50 pm

I'd like to post here again and offer up my pixelated hugs and good thoughts and anything I can. I know I have absolutely no inkling as to what you're going through but I can only offer my experiences with my own family relationships and say I can utterly and wholly understand.

I know this is so cheesy, but I wish I could give you a hug. And those classes you're taking and the time you spend for yourself, that's awesome! At the end of the day, everyone deserves happiness and serenity for themselves, or we'd all go mad! And like Traverse mentioned, some people do have that mindset that family should be put on this high pedestal, no matter the history or the suffering and hardships a person has gone through in that family.

I hope you have many days of wonderful, peaceful breaks with all your animals and GI Joe shrines and doggies and kitties and horsies and hay and anything else you might enjoy!

by **Isolde Seibold** on March 29th, 2015, 1:06 am

I can't say I understand how you feel about your mother (I've never had to deal with anything remotely close to what you're currently going through). What I can say is that you're doing a LOT better than I would be able to, anger or no. In general I think I'm a weak person, I've always thought that, and it really amazes me how much strength, resolve, and surety you always seem to display. You have drive and passion that I can only wonder at.

by **Gossamer** on April 25th, 2015, 12:40 am

A Goss Public Service Announcement

If you think its none of Google's business what your searching for on the net and want all your search history cleared... read this blog page. Read it all the way to the end. Then, if you'd like... follow the steps.

https://www.yahoo.com/tech/heres-how-to-download-and-delete-what-google-117031199754.html

You are welcome.

Goss

by **Gossamer** on April 25th, 2015, 1:01 am

Saving Sunny

I'm not one of those people that fear death. Death is a natural process and I know it. But I do have other kinds of fears, like loosing a best friend or promising things to someone and not seeing them through. You see I have a best friend. She's not human, but we've been together for about twenty years or more. She's currently thirty four and everyone tells me that its hard for them to believe she's been around so long. Horses are well aged at twenty, for the most part, though some miracle cases that have had easy lives and lots of love live in well into their thirties and only slow down and show their age when things happen that are beyond their control. A horse at twenty isn't through with its life. Many still have great use and good quality.

Sunny is one of those miracle horses. She's beautiful. She's strong and stoic and talented and she's carried me from the boarder of Canada to the boarder of Mexico on the pacific crest trail. Not many horse can say they've traveled that route. She can. But at her age things happen. Evidently, I didnt notice her teeth got bad and she started chewing less and swallowing her grain whole more. I should have had them checked, but you know with my issues with my mother, I've not been spending as much time as I should have with her. So she swallowed lots, chewed very little, and the grain pellets got caught in her throat. They made a huge wad of impassable material that caused her to start drooling and hurting and basically what horse owners call 'choke'. It's usually not serious. They drool a lot, which loosens the material, and then they are able to swallow it and are just fine. Only, hers didn't clear up. I had to have the vet out... and they ran a tube down her throat with water into her esophagus to basically roto-rooter it out. Its very hard on a horse. She was very sick by the time the vet could come... and whats worse is the saliva has food particles in it and gets built up so badly that it backwashes into their lungs and gives them pneumonia.

So the vet came.... the vet gave her a quarter of the tranq she needed as a big horse (and she is a big girl - 16.2hh about 1500 lbs) and Sunny crashed. She went down faster than if she'd been struck by lightening. The vet had to tube her from the ground, which was really super hard. I had to lay in water and blood and barfed up food holding her head up to get help the vet work. It was rough and when it was done the vet left before Sunny got up. The vet apologized to me... said there was nothing more she could do... and that she was afraid the mare was loosing the fight. She gave her a 30% chance of getting up.

Three hours later.... with me in tears the whole time holding her head and begging.. Sunny got up. She looked horrible. I've never seen this horse look this sick. And she couldn't breathe. She couldn't walk. She was so weak. All she did is stand there and tremble.

Three days passed... she got even sicker. Then, on the fourth day just when I thought I'd have to make the horrible decision to put her down, she started eating. Then, once she ate a little, she felt better, and started eating everything in sight. She got stronger. I couldn't give her hay... nope... nothing but softened grain and fresh grass. So I've been hand grazing her every free moment of my time.... leading her out on a lead line and letting her eat... begging her to eat... tall soft green grass.

She got better... slowly... until this happened. She still is thin... she's still weak... and she did manage to step in a hole and strain her ankle under one of my hand grazing watches. But... she's so much better. I made a video. Here's a link to a beautiful recovery video of her. You must be logged in (or have a fb acount) to see it. Please let me know if you have issues.

http://www.facebook.com/Centaurheart/videos/10205884038687720/?l=622859881449756899

And Loosing Tucker

So... my mother's cancer and her life expectancy of 4-6 months. Sunny being sick. And then.... you've seen my pictures of my mini donkey. Monday he got sick too. Really sick. It was colic. I could tell because he was bloated, in pain, and really really sick. I gave him banamine immediately (which can cure colic) and called the vet. They vet got there by 5pm but there was nothing they could do. We lost Tucker. There was nothing we could do and the vet said the only option was surgery with a low chance of survival. Little mini donkeys don't deserve such fates. It happens because they lay down wrong, they roll, they kick, or sometimes they do nothing and it still happens. It was no ones fault. They are so sweet and innocent, nothing should ever hurt them. He's been sent over the rainbow bridge.

But yea. Life's been tough lately. I'll be around as I can. But honestly, I don't see much activity on my end picking up until my mother passes. This is especially true if this stuff keeps happening. Though they say tragedy comes in threes. This would be three... and maybe its time for a break.

by **Matthew** on April 25th, 2015, 1:13 am

In regards to the Public Service Announcement, I thought I'd try to share a little of my own knowledge, for those who might be concerned. If you have a Google account, the following instructions apply to you.

Visit your Web History page at google.com/history.
In the top right corner of your Web History page, click the little gear icon and then select Settings from the drop-down box.
In the picture found below, there is a small area that has been highlighted. If the round white button is to the right, the recording of your search history is enabled. If it is to the left, it will no longer record your search history.

There are also additional steps you can take, if you want to be extra cautious. This is for people both with and without a Google account.

Visit http://www.google.com/history/optout while signed out of your Google Account.
Click Disable customizations based on search activity. This will turn the setting off for anyone who uses the same browser and device as you.

by **Mahiri** on April 25th, 2015, 1:18 am

That is a lot of loss/potential loss to deal with, Gossamer. I wish you successful recovery, when it is over.