(This is a thread from Mizahar's fantasy role playing forums. Why don't you register today? This message is not shown when you are logged in. Come roleplay with us, it's fun!)
The player scrapbooks forum is literally a place for writers to warm-up, brainstorm, keep little scraps of notes, or just post things to encourage themselves and each other. Each player can feel free to create their own thread - one per account - and use them accordingly.
Hello! I have already expressed a ton of love to you on AIM, but I wanted to give some more. You have no idea how nice it is to hear all this, and how you are feeling about it, etc. Goss has been kind enough to keep me updated on your life situation, and goodness, I worry for you sometimes. I echo her thoughts when she says to just write what you want to write... this is a place for people to enjoy! <333
I appreciate you taking the time to write this, too. Like I have said to you, I am guilty of some of the things you have mentioned, and I hope to learn from my mistakes, and wise words like yours!
Well, what I want to say is that change is good. I see you've changed and it sounds awesome! I really really hope you can be happy in the future. I firmly believe that we have the right to be happy. All of us. I also believe that you don't get anything for free. But if you work for it, you'll feel the reward even more.
I think this will be my grandfather's final month. He's fading away day by day, and my mother has basically told me to stop going - he's wild, unpredictable, and absolutely brutal. He has told me to "GTFO" and leave him the hell alone thrice, and my aunt has gotten the same treatment. My mother has come close to it. I think we're all waiting and watching for May 19... that was the day that my Gramma died, my grandfather's wife and the love of his life. She passed away in 2004. I remember it because I was in Grade 12, and I had an English test that afternoon. Halfway through it, the principal came to talk to my teacher, Ms. Killian, and stayed at the back of the room with her. I usually finished my tests quite quickly, and that day was no exception. Once I turned it in, my teacher told me to grab my stuff and head out, that my dad was waiting for me outside. He was. He told me that they had pulled the plug that afternoon, and that she was gone.
I can only wish that my grandfather had it that easy. Instead, he continues to break apart, day by day, losing more and more.
But I think it's finally coming to a close. I'm hoping it is.
It's his time.
On another topic...
As some of you know, I'm very, very hard of hearing.
I had my first hearing test in a year and a half today, and the results weren't really very good. My left ear, which up until recently has been better than my right, has kind of flatlined... so I've gone from having about 15% hearing remaining in my left ear to 10%, like I do on the right. So, on the good side, my hearing is level again. On the bad side, my hearing has decreased.
I really shouldn't complain - my ear specialists never thought I'd get to 25 with any hearing left, and I still have 10% left in each ear and 7 months to hang onto it. But the problem with having my hearing like this is that I fall in with about 1% of the HoH (Hard of Hearing) people in my area with this degree of severe bilateral hearing loss... and therefore, there's only about 5 models of hearing aids in the world that will do anything for me to give me semi-normal levels of hearing that allow me to interact day-to-day with people. This fact was driven home hard today because I had to send away one of my hearing aids for repair. They gave me a loaner instrument, the strongest one they have, but it sounds like someone's whispering in that ear from a distance when they are in fact talking relatively normally (or what I would define as normal, so quite loudly for everyone else).
I was talking about it today with a good friend of mine, and he asked me, "Will you ever lose your hearing completely?" and when I told him it was likely... "What will you do if you go completely deaf?" and you know, I didn't have much of an answer. What can you do? A cochlear implant wouldn't do me any good at this stage. I'm working on my lipreading, and I'll probably end up taking to carrying around one of those white boards, you know, the erasable blackboards with the markers. The other option is to work on learning sign. Funnily enough, I don't know much of it. I keep meaning to sit down and focus on a few words a night... and I just never get to it. And, him being the doll he is, said that he would like to learn it too.
So what I'm pondering doing is maybe doing a small, weekly vocabulary list with the accompanying signs in American Sign Language. Then if anyone wanted to follow along, practice, maybe pick up a bit... they could.
And you know I don't give out hugs much. Only to the people special to me.
*HUGS*
Apologies to everyone I'm threading with, but it's like the Danaides for me right now. ==/== "If it doesn't solve all your problems, maybe you're not using enough of it." - Violence
You know. It's times like these, when I'm sitting here whining to myself or who ever will listen that my allergies are killing me, and I'm sleeping all the time and blahblahblahlbalbaklhlalbblanblalblahllblah stupid stuff. And then, I read something like this and it puts everything back into perspective.
I wish I could be as strong as you! Seriously. I am saddened to hear about your grandfather, I really am. My grandmother is slowly working her way towards Alzheimers, and we can all see it happening. I may not know exactly what you're dealing with, but I can sympathize. Or empathize. I'm not sure which word is appropriate.
We had a girl in one of my English classes last year whose twin had one of those cochlear implants. It seemed like a lot of work for moderate benefits. Not to mention she had a huge scar on the back of her head, and her hair missing. She was in the process of getting them on both sides. But I guess, once again, in perspective, missing hair is nothing to being able to hear.
I'm proud of you. You're one of my heroes. I wish we lived closer so that I could learn to sign with you. I had some classes in fifth grade, and about all I remember is how to spell "Julie". I would be very much help if that was to be your response to everything.
I'd give you a hug along with Siiiiiiri but I think he might bite me. I don't know if I'm special enough, so once he's done hugging it'll be my turn ;P
I just want to start off by saying I love you guys - all of you - that have gone out of your way to nudge me and see what's new. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I've got some things I'd like to cover in this blog. The first of those is a brief status update, the second is more sign language, and the third is a commentary on what's been floating around.
What's new and exciting?
Spring has sprung! The grass has riz! I wonder where the flowers is?
Spring has finally hit with a full force, and summer is now hot on its tail. Literally. As such, I've been working outside. Thanks to Jen, my mother, and my grandmother, I've been bitten by the green bug. I have 17, count 'em, 17, pots planted. I thought about putting in an actual bed in my back yard, but my ENTIRE yard is clay and rocks once you get 6-8" down, and with the sun shifting, you only get full sun in basically one area of the yard, and two of what I have, the raspberries and the strawberries, require full sun. So. Pots it was. What have I planted so far? 6 raspberry canes, 3 pots of strawberries, 3 pots of orange bell peppers (why orange? I'm not really fond of the flavours of the other colours. Orange will ALWAYS win when I just want peppers), two pots of different types of salad vegetation, two pots of mixed marigolds, one pot of citronella. I have declared war on bugs and mosquitoes in my house and backyard, and, goddamnit, I will not be eaten alive this year. I REFUSE! What's left to plant? The entire front bed, and about 16 types of herbs! 13 of them are still in my sunroom, still in sproutlings. I'm too nervous to take them out yet, though... though I probably could. I'm just utterly terrified to do it. So right now, they're staying where they are until they get a little bigger. Now, about the front bed... the front of my house has these three evergreen shrubs/tree. They're all dead. THEY'RE ALL GOING. They'll probably be taken out this weekend, actually. I have most of its replacements - the only thing missing is my full-season hibiscus that has to go in the front.
We just celebrated my grandfather's 79th birthday party on Sunday - it was a small gathering that consisted of me, my parents, my mother's two siblings, my uncle's spouse, and their two children. I baked cupcakes, so we all had a nice little treat. He was fairly on the ball - but we think that was one really lucid moment, because he has not been the same since then. He can only see straight ahead of him - if you are not in his face, he cannot see you. Tonight, I was visiting him with my mother - I no longer go up every day, but I do try for twice a week. He was yelling at the hockey game - apparently, there was a player smoking on the ice, and then he was digging through his hospital gown to try to find his pockets for his wallet, because he needed money to "go fishing with Mike tomorrow" (Mike being my dad. Not Abashai-Mike, which would be very cool, but my father's actual name is Mike), and he was worried that because he'd been out and about and walking, he'd been losing money through his pants. I shit you not, that is the gist of what he was saying. My mother and I could only keep a straight face, and kept him company until he fell asleep. We got out of the nursing home and we just devolved into hysterical laughter.
Because it's at the point where if you do not laugh, you will cry, and I know that right now, we're both cried out because of the way his illnesses have robbed him of everything - his memories, most of his sanity, his pride, his dignity. It's times like this, when I see what he's going through, when I really, really wish assisted suicide was legal. He refuses a number of tests, gets really particular about what pills he will and will not take, is no longer a concern because of his diabetes because he is eating next to nothing. He has lost probably about 75 pounds since he first landed in the hospital... so it was really nice on Sunday to see him enjoying his cupcakes. He had two, and kept a third one for 'dessert'. It was probably his dinner. But the fact that he liked them was what made pulling the last batch of cupcakes out of the oven at 1 AM Sunday morning, falling into bed, rolling up, and busting my butt Sunday to get them prepared for him all worth it.
Me, personally, I'm basically doing okay. I'm just soldiering on at work - we have a lot going on now with the changing weather, and there is just so freaking much to do. I'm on reduced lunch breaks again - c'est la vie - but eh, there you have it. I finally got both of my digital hearing aids back. It's a huge relief. I've been keeping really busy, though, between family, looking after my house, and my animals. It's actually been really nice to be outside - I like keeping the place looking spiffy, and until my other herbs are ready to go in the long planter, I'm essentially done (after I transplant two mints and a lemon verbena) besides the weekend chores... mowing the lawn, trimming it with the weed whacker, and, if necessary, raking it. Dear god, I hate raking my lawn. But on the flip side, doing that is FABULOUS exercise.
I'm going to post pictures tomorrow - the front of my house, the pots, the cupcakes. It's going on midnight now as I finish this, and it's a trifle late.
Sign Language:
Today's lesson are some numbers!
Lies and Rumours
They say that one little lie turns into another. Then you go and cheat By the time you know it, you all wrapped up in a whole bunch of seaweed
The following comments make references to the movies Shark Tale and Easy A. If you have not seen these movies, you seriously, seriously need to.
Quick Spoilers/Summary: :
In Shark Tale, Oscar makes up a story, changes his life, and loses what he had to start with in his pursuit of the bigger and better from the lie... and it's only once he loses what he had to start with that he realizes just what he had.
In Easy A, a lie that Olive tells her best friend in what she thought was complete privacy. While at first it leads to popularity, it soon totally spirals out of control as she tries to help some people who are more put-upon by the social castes of high school by spreading, yes, more lies and rumours.
In the chat quotes, Mizahar was referred to as kindergarten. I see it as really more of a high school some days, and this is very far from complimentary, because I hated high school, particularly because of my fellow students. You have your cliques, the people you hate that hate you, unrequited crushes, and most of all, the gossip mill.
I learned in elementary school that cliques sucked. The core of my graduating class had been together from junior kindergarten to grade 8, and there were 5 of us girls in that core group. Another girl came in in grade 5, and stayed for the remaining three years. All of a sudden, I found myself on the outside of that circle. They used a group name of "AJBBE", which was each of their first initials, and lo and be hold - there was no "M" in there. Funnily enough, I got on fine with them all on an individual level - the first 'B' was actually probably one of my best friends when we graduated - but I did not merit into their clique for a number of reasons. That, I think, was the beginnings of my dedication to cronehood, and I wasn't even a freaking teenager.
"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them." - Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
But back to what I was talking about. Ah, yes. High school.
It's a known fact that eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves, and this is equally true when you apply it to the grapevine. I've heard, ever since Mizahar became popular, any number of interesting rumours about myself, such as the following that are actually more recent:
1. My grandfather isn't sick at all, and it's a ploy on my behalf to get attention and sympathy. 2. I'm not actually as deaf as a post because it's super rare, and it's a ploy on my behalf to get attention and sympathy.
The fact that people say these things about me doesn't bother me that much. The first time I heard about them it actually royally pissed me off because it says to me what sort of person people think I am. I do not sit on the internet and whine, moan, and cry about my place in the world. I know my blogs are coming across that way because for the last several months, that's really all that they have been. True enough. The second one makes me laugh. If you want to know how bad my hearing is, talk to Gossamer and Gillar. For the two weeks they generously opened their home for me, they had to shout, they had to get in my face to talk to me, they had to speak and enunciate slowly, they had to put on captions/subtitles on their TV, and sometimes we had to communicate by IM because that was just the easiest way to make sure, EVEN THOUGH JEN AND I WERE SITTING AT THE SAME TABLE, that we were on the same page when we were talking about something. That was the day my hearing aids were vacuuming non-stop, so I wasn't really wearing them for most of the day. I felt horrible for inflicting that on them. But trust me, it's bad. It's bad enough that I usually don't go to the restaurants and expect to actually be able to hear things. I take a note pad in and write notes if necessary, or if I'm with my brother, he will actually TEXT ME at the same table.
Nice, eh?
Like I said, the eavesdropper never hears anything good about themselves. If you want to know your virtues, talk to your friends. If you want to know your vices, listen to your enemies.
Rumours and gossip really annoy me. Notoriety doesn't benefit the noted - just the notees.
Sadly, things that are fact can be taken into gossip and exaggerated, taken out of context, repeated, and then voila. You have a whole new can of worms on your hand, and they're like as not to be flesh-eaters.
I was talking about rumours with Gossamer earlier, and we talked about the provo dell'acido - the acid test. When I was a little girl, my father's father took me aside and told me that if I learned nothing else from him, I had to remember this for as long as I lived: before I get involved in anything, I was to always ask myself two questions. One, "What's in it for them?" and two, "What's in it for me?" This became my acid test, and it's the acid test used by everyone around the world, whether they realize it or not. When someone brings gossip, information, a story, whatever, to me, I need to look at that information, think about its basis, and apply the acid test when you hear it, and you apply the acid test before you spread it, if you are absolutely going to, and maybe the acid test will make some people really think. Some crap I know is true, even if it's not complimentary. Some of it may have a basis in fact, and you might apply the saying, "where there's smoke, there's fire". But by and far, the most of it is a bunch of road plank: horseshit and slivers, and when you put that in your pipe to ruminate on it, it stinks to high hell.
Equally true are lies and people trying to be something other than what they are. Let me use a very personal example here.
My mother's sister, I have ranted about before. This woman doesn't have the common sense of a flea. All three of her children are cut from the exact same cloth.
When Aunt Ditz moved to the States, she took her two youngest kids with her. When she divorced the psycho and moved back to Canada, she only took her youngest with her. The middle child, A, stayed with her girlfriend.
This was years ago. A is really and truly exactly like her mother, maybe worse, because at least her mother managed to graduate college. A flunked out of community college. There's all sorts of things to rag on her about, but I'm not getting into that right now, but about one veeeery particular thing. She cannot decide if her father is part-Black or part-Native, and had gone back and forth over the last couple years between the two. Now she seems to have settled on the latter, which I find incredibly offensive.
For the record, if he is either, it was at least 6 generations ago - he has no notable features, and he, and none of his family for the last five generations past that we know of, does not have Indian Status anywhere.
I have a lot of very, very good friends who are Native, and so after months of seeing my cousin's facebook status updates including all of these references to her "native blood", I snapped and posted a comment on it when she was bragging about it. "I keep seeing all these references to "native blood". What tribe and what nation?"
She deleted the comment.
I reposted it.
She deleted it again.
I reposted it again.
She, clearly figuring out that she wasn't going to get rid of the comment because short of blocking me on facebook, has one of her friends whiteknight her, because she CANNOT stand to be called out. That's fine, I don't really give a flying cupcake.
What's the point of that little story?
If you don't want to be judged, please keep it to yourself.
If you don't want something commented on, please keep it to yourself.
If you don't want to be called out, please keep it to yourself.
Guaranteed, anything, and everything you write will always end up as Crown Exhibit A at your Internet Trial.
Your family.... specifically those of the Aunt Ditz line amuse me to no end. If I ever wander up to Canadia, I will meet them, then collapse into a fit of laughter. And... yeah.
I should PROBABLY be doing anthro right now, so I'll get back to that. Why am I talking about me in your blog?
Well here:
CAYENNNNNNNE.
OH! I saw Cayenne and Cheddar potato chips today at Target. That's all.
My laptop is borked. Next person to tell me to stop looking at porn is going to get a two-by-four with barbed wire on it straight to the head. I was actually looking at a blog, thank you.
I'm taking it in tomorrow and should have it back by the end of the week. Should being the operative word. I still have the desktop, but all of my Mizahar stuff is on that laptop, including three posts in progress. >_<
Anyway, just a head's up - I got my laptop back, currently setting it up, which takes a lot longer than you folks might think.
Anyway, I'm hoping to go nuts on the weekend and get stuff written, because my parents are going out of town Sunday.
Yes, I know that sounds silly, but when the weather's nice and they're doing stuff here, I can't hardly be on my laptop while they work on my garden. So!
