Steeling himself as one might against a torrent of icy winds, Laszlo tensed and weathered Duvalyon's reprimand. His mouth was ajar in want of retorting, but he knew better than to try to interject. It surprised him that the medic was so upset; although Seven had been angry too, Duvalyon's concern was more for Laszlo's well-being than his own. There was something warm about that, and it made Laszlo grateful to know there was someone who seemed to personally care about his sanity, but it did little to lessen the resentment that began to smolder in him.
At last, Duvalyon seemed to finish, and the heavy silence pervaded between them again. It felt like the quiet after a battle fought, thick with deep thought, simmering emotions, and the smell of blood. Though in this case, it was mostly the fragrance of a nectarine. Containing himself, Laszlo deliberated on his response, knowing the wrong words could change Duvalyon's opinion of him. As he tried to tame the ire that rose in his throat, he dug the pit out of the nectarine and tossed it into the shadows of the Unforgiving.
"You think you understand everything, don't you?" Laszlo flicked droplets of nectarine juice off his nails into the chasm below. His fingers curled into his palm afterward, sticking lightly to his palm. "I know I'm not Symenestra, Duvalyon. You've made that very clear. I'm not like you, and no delusion I give myself will ever change that." Laszlo's lip curled for an instant as he finished speaking, betraying an underlying bitterness he'd been ruminating deeply on.
He rolled the hollowed nectarine in his hand, keeping his keen eyes on the nearby mountain ridges. The sweet flavor slowly decayed on his tongue, but he'd lost his appetite for the moment. Duvalyon may have intuited that Laszlo did seek out a Hypnotism teacher under the pretense of being a Symenestra, but the pretense was just that.
"Require our tools." Of course Duvalyon would make excuses for his own kind. And he'd spoken of "eras"—as if Laszlo had the responsibility of living forever. With the way everything was happening for him in the past two years, it didn't seem likely he'd make it past another one.
"No. I'm Ethaefal. I barely even know what that means, except that I'm some petching in-between who doesn't belong anywhere. And all you see me as is this petulant child playing pretend and encroaching on your culture, don't you?" Laszlo rolled his eyes skyward and shook his head. "I couldn't possibly have pursued Hypnotism out of personal reasons, searching for grains of a past life because I didn't know what it was to have an identity. Look at you, with your family and your principles—can you even see beyond the security of your life in Kalinor? All of it was given to you. You were born with a name and a heritage.
"You speak of 'eras' as if my longevity means anything to me. Every day I breathe, Duvalyon, I remember that I'm no longer where I belong. The idea of living forever, of never getting that back, is terrifying. You think because you follow Viratas, you value the meaning of family. You couldn't begin to understand the bonds that I've lost. You once met your Patron God? I lived alongside mine. I had family there. I had a true name. Now I barely even have the memories."
Running out of breath, the Ethaefal paused and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. He clearly wasn't finished yet, but at least he was taking a moment to calm himself down. Duvalyon was waiting to hear what any of this had to do with Hypnotism, he was sure. Admittedly, much of this was merely reserves of resentment that had been shoring up in Laszlo, waiting to be released. Perhaps the medic would appreciate it more than most others.
Duvalyon knew of Ethaefal, from things he had read, no doubt, and from Laszlo's own bumbling exploits. It might serve him well to know that there was a deeper part of Laszlo's character that he rarely showed, that he had a reason for grasping at straws.
"Vethis Orthilia knew Hypnotism. I took to it quite naturally. It used to help me feel… closer to the person I used to be, but that doesn't matter to me anymore. Now that magic is just a part of me, of Laszlo. I don't use it to steal and lie, but it helps occasionally to be able to… make things easier. In Alvadas I owned and operated a tavern. It wasn't some high-end establishment, it invited thugs and travelers and drunkards. I was the novelty Symenestra barkeep with bird bones. Without Hypnotism I would have ended up with more than a few scars and a broken hand." More than once, Laszlo had peacefully "escorted" the tavern's more energetic patrons out the door.
He hesitated. "It's not as if I don't feel the… pull of it, from time to time. The… whispers." Interesting, that Duvalyon knew of them. Laszlo suspected that there was more to that than simple academic knowledge, but he didn't have the gall to make any accusations. "And maybe in a decade or two, or twenty, I will go insane or become something monstrous. The passage of time may have done that anyway." Just as time would kill Abalia in the near future, it would also do away with Duvalyon, eventually, and every other person he grew to care about. Even if he became fond of another Ethaefal, they could die too. And imagine the shock if that happened.
Immortality only held an allure for those who didn't have it. "Even if Hypnotism is my undoing, it's also been my defense against the world—which is savage and merciless outside your cave, if you've forgotten. Unlike a blade, it doesn't hurt anyone but the user." He snorted. "Ask and persuade, he says, like it's the simplest thing in the world. Not all of us are equipped with a tongue as clever as yours." |