[Wart's Scrapbook] Under the Looking Glass

[Wart]

Welcome to my humble scrapbook! I'm honestly all that sure what I'm going to put here yet. Its probably going to be random things for a while. I'm not exactly established on Mizahar enough that I'd expect anyone to read this anyway. This will most likely become a little journal of sorts for me. I've always done my thinking better in writing, and I think its good to have it in a physical form, so its really truly out there. So I suppose unless you want to read the random rambling of me, you can' just stop reading right now lol.

[Wart]

A lot of personal crap. I'd suggest not reading this. The fire is still burning The worst is the Waldo Canon fire. CNN on TV keeps going back to it. "32,000 evacuated." "Even the US Air Force Academy has been evacuated." The Flying W Ranch is long gone. I went there so many times as a little kid. So many memories of my grandpa there. Just about every building was made of wood. It doesn't have a chance. Someone tried to tell me our town is safe, that there's no way it'll get that far. We live about 45 minutes away. But if you go outside you can smell the smoke. Its so strong. And a friend told me how if it does get here... We don't stand a chance. Nothing like this has happened before. We have no defense prepared. All we can do is get our stuff together and run. On TV they say it doubled in size overnight. That its "Far from being controlled." This stuff scares me. I have a ridiculously huge phobia of natural disasters. I want to turn the TV off but I can't. I try to get on Mizahar to distract myself but I can't. I'm trying to get all my thoughts down to see if it'll help. So far I just want to cry. At church they've been telling us for months, years even, to have an emergency kit prepared, a 72-hour kit, an evacuation plan. Everyone knows those are important, but you never think something like this is gonna happen to you. You put it off. You live in an ignorant little bubble thinking only of conditions of the moment. That's how it is, especially in this town. Nothing bad ever happens. Little tornadoes way out in the county. Sometimes a hail storm. But otherwise... Nothings wrong. No need to worry. Until something like this happens. And it hits you. You're not invincible. Bad thing happen. Suddenly its all too real. The warnings. The advice, the urging. I guess I'm lucky. It hit me the day I gained this complete and total fear. I remember every event of that day. ... : We were stupid kids, fighting with some neighbor girl. We forgave her, were playing out in the cul-de-sac. This weird brown cloud out in the distance caught our attention. I don't know why. It was getting bigger, though, coming towards us. At one point it almost looked like fingers. Then it was directly overhead... And turning... When the rain started my friend's mom told her to get in the house. I was supposed to spend the night at her house, so I just came with her. Then the lights went out. The rain got harder. Her mom told us to get in the basement, to sit in this tiny room. You could feel the house getting blasted by the wind. It was so loud. Her mom and older brother were upstairs trying to find something. I didn't know what. I just knew I was in a strange house with a friend I wasn't that close to, hoping and praying in my head that my mom and siblings were okay, hoping she got the dogs, the guinea pigs, hoping they were all in the basement. Those were the days when my anxiety sickness was really bad. I don't know how long we were in there. It felt like hours to me. When we were finally allowed to come upstairs, we found out there was a hole in the ceiling, water streaming into her kitchen. Outside her 10 year old weeping willow tree had been ripped out of the ground and was only inches away from hitting the house. leaves were plastered to the houses. My mailbox across the street was gone. Other mailboxes were gone. Trash bins had disappeared, some smashed against random houses. On the news later we would find out that the roof at the mall had caved in and flooded. King Soopers too. The state fair had been going on. That was trashed. People had gotten stuck under the 29th street bridge, couple died. It was nothing. Nothing compared to hurricanes, tornadoes, the destruction that happens in other places. But the fact was that it happened in my town. A place where I had grown up in a content ignorant bliss, thinking that we were safe there, immune from such things. For months after that I wasn't able to go anywhere if there was any sort of forecast predicting even a mild storm. I could never live anywhere near a coast, or where tornadoes are frequent. I'd be that one during a disaster freaking out and panicking the entire time, making things worse. The wind's changed. "This is exactly what fire crews have been worried about all day, and now its happening." A month ago I had only an hour to pack up everything I could and run away from my fathers house. I was in a complete panic the entire time, terrified he might come home. Its times like these that really show you whats truly important to you and what you're willing to let go of and leave behind. I was amazed to see how much junk I had that I was ready to leave there. If this fire keeps up I don't know what I'll end up with. Clothes and my laptop, some food. That's probably it. Ugh. I have a bad habit of rambling on on personal junk like this. I guess the problem is I don't have rl people who care to stop talking long enough to listen to what I say so I spill my guts in places where no one knows me. Its a weird sort of therapy or somethign lol.

[Wrenmae]

I remember being a kid hunkered down in my cousin's house while a storm rolled overhead and tried to beat down the doors. I can't remember what age I was, only that I was small and terrified. I could hear things hitting the house, heard what I thought was thunder or lightning and later found out was the roof cracking. I can't remember how long I huddled in the basement while my parents and the rest of my family milled around trying not to panic. To me, there was only noise and danger, something happening outside that I couldn't understand.

Like a monster was rampaging just beyond the walls.

I really only remember the panic and the huddling, the sounds and then looking at all the trees uprooted the next day, the house at the end of the street had collapsed. No one was home.

They got lucky I guess, and still lost everything.

There's a lot about nature that we take for granted, a lot we don't really expect to come knocking. I had a friend who was evacuated when Katrina came through, she remembers all the flooded houses, the things in the streets...what she thinks were bodies. Confronted with the reality that we DON'T control the universe as modern convenience would have us believe is terrifying. At any age, it's terrifying. I remember feeling poweless, but I was young then, really young. I don't know how I'd react now.

I heard about the fire today on the news, driving home from work. A worker at the Flying W was on All Things Considered, talking about seeing the fire come down the mountain at 60 miles per hour. 60 miles per hour. It's hard to put that fact into a mental picture. I'm not used to fire moving from the place I set it or watched it get built, much less moving that fast. I can't imagine the devastation going on out there, what people must be feeling, how scared everyone is.

I hope the fire doesn't reach you. I hope it doesn't come to that. I wish you the very best and hope this disaster is averted, that the firefighters manage to stop the flames...that the wind shifts in your favor.

I just felt compelled to post here, not to assure you that everything will be ok...I can't possibly know that. But that I'm glad you're prepared to go if you have to, and that I really hope it doesn't come down to that.

Best wishes and please keep us updated.

[Wart]

Thank you for that. And thank you for not giving me the "It'll be alright" speech, I truly have had enough of that, you're right, no one can know. The last things I need are empty promises for temporary comfort. If anything seeing that someone knows what I'm feeling now is what I needed most, so again thank you.

Hopefully I won't need to post too much more about all of this. And if things do turn for the worst, hopefully I'll be smart and put off posting until I'm at a safe distance lol.

[Gossamer]

. Wildfire I held a red card for almost 15 years and fought on some of the worst fires in Washington State's history. I was a tanker tender, meaning I drove a large water truck to support the smoke jumpers and ground crews. We got into some scary situations. My participation was required in these fires because as a wildlife biologist for a private timber company, almost every summer was dedicated to fire suppression. The summer of 94 was one I will never forget. Chelan County was plagued with wild fires, the worst I've ever seen. Colorado is going through one of those years this year. In total, about 180,000 acres of forested land burned. In Leavenworth two fires - "The Hatchery Complex" and "Rat Creek Complex" - burned out of control and people were forced to evacuate. Those fires came together at Leavensworth, one burning down the north slope, the other burning down the south slope... the town at the bottom. They thought they were going to loose the entire town, but in the end due to some heroic bombers and firecrews, it wasn't lost. I lived two months inside a mill complex right outside of Leavensworth manning a firehose and hosing down 9 million dollars of specialty hardwood already cut and stacked in decks in the mill yard. I was scared the whole time. I don't mean like OMG this is scary. I mean, I was scared that this huge horrible monster was going to eat me alive and everyone else around me. It was a core deep fear that you couldn't let bother you until you were alone and the crisis was over and all you could do was shake. Firefighters respect fire, but they also have a very very healthy fear of it. You could hear the fire roaring all around us during three very hairy days. As it got closer, you could see it eat everything in its path. Homes vanished. Forests were gone. It ate every living thing it touched. We cut holes in the mill fence to let a herd of about 50 cows onto the millsite so we didn't have to watch them burn alive like we did a different herd on the other side of the Winton Mill. I saw things I never want to see again. And for anyone that's ever seen a wildfire that close with trees exploding you can't help but see it as a living breathing thing with a soul and a rage that's so deep you honestly haven't ever faced anything like it ever... until you do. Its not okay. Fire is never okay. And wildfire is the worst at all. We've been getting reports all day about Colorado and more specifically Colorado Springs. I don't know you. I don't know anyone over there. But I do know what your going through. Don't stay anywhere near it. Please. Run while its safe to run. Wait. And try not to let the fear eat you alive. But you can't remain untouched by it, no matter what happens, because fire will eat pieces of your soul. It's that powerful of a thing, regardless of if it touches you or not. .

[Naama]

Hey Wart, I don't know you but just like Jen, I know exactly what you're going through. I was there when the October Wildfires (also known as the Cedar Fire) hit San Diego county really hard, and many many schools, including mine, were shut down for more than two weeks due to the smoke and ash congestion in the air. Neighborhoods were evacuated, especially Scripp's Ranch where most of my teachers were from, lots of them lost their homes.

We couldn't go outside because of the hazard of inhaling so much smoke, we could only watch from the TV what exactly was happening to these people that had fled their hard-earned homes because of the advancing flames and the goddamn pyromaniacs who decided it was a good idea to add to the chaos. Fortunately, my neighborhood was far enough away to avoid the fires but close enough to where the cars, lawns and streets were smothered in ash. Everything was gray.

It sucks, it really does. But you hang in there, move out to a safer location and just wait it out until everything is okay. If anything, don't WAIT until that fire is right around the corner, bro. That's just a silly idea.

[Wart]

Thank you guys So so much. For sharing your experiences and for caring. I've really been so grateful to not be right in the middle of it so far.

A lot of good news today. Things are calming down, temperatures cooling down, a lot of people have been able to go back to their homes. I'm staying with my grandma for now so nice and safe. Saturday we'll be going to work on basic supply kits for people affected by the fire... I really want to do everything I can to help them with everything they must be feeling right now. Especially those who have lost their homes and those who still aren't able to know.

[Wart]

I have too much time on my hands. Too much time to myself, time to think. I started thinking about my writing. For so long I write something, re-write it, re-read delete substitute this for that trying to make it the best I can. But I just don't like it. I don't like my writing anymore. Sometimes I just hate it. And for so long I haven't been able to figure out why. I used to be a great writer... I thought so at least My elementary school teachers would tell my parents that they wanted the first copy of my first book. Growing up that's all I ever wanted to be, an author. On the English, phonics, spelling, grammar, standard reading and writing tests, I'd always get the best grades in class. The other kids would hate me for it... but thats how it was In sixth grade my English teacher made two of my papers into overhead projections and made me read them to the class, telling them what I did, techniques I used, and what they need to do. Thinking about it, I realized that that was the last time I ever really liked something I wrote. From there my writing just went... downhill. My english grades would slip. I'd do great on tests and quizzes and reading... but the papers, I always suffered on. It took me so long, but I finally found one correlation. A.D.D. Attention Deficit Disorder. You know... the pictures with "I don't have A.D-- Oh look a butterfly!" I've had it since I was real little. The doctor gave me medicine for it. Sixth grade was the last year I took it. The reason I never got the prescription refilled again was complicated, tangled up in a web of lies my father used in court. But that's a whole different story. The point is... I think ADD has made my writing suffer. And that irritates the hell out of me. It still affects me, I feel it every single day. My memory, my focus. But I never realized that it affected my writing, of all things, so severely. I tried to talk to a friend about it. About trying to go back and get that prescription again. She says I shouldn't do it, that it has more side effects than its worth. The thing is she doesn't Have ADD. She doesn't understand. Its impossible to understand what its like trying to get through the day with ADD when you haven't felt it for yourself. Its not as simple as Oh look a shiny object or Oh wait what was I saying, all that crap on the internet that makes if funny - Yeah, I've laughed with some of those, but the point is it goes beyond that. I'll have bruises on my body, some of them huge, and I won't be able to tell you what they're from, how I got them, or when I got them. I'll have no idea, no memory. I'll say something or do something stupid, and I'll know its stupid. I'll know, as I'm doing it, before I do it, but I can't stop myself. Its like being in a dream where you want to scream but you can't. I want to stop myself. But all I can do is watch and regret it later. I've made such a fool of myself so many times this way. I annoy people to death. I've lost friends over this. There's so much more but I'm already rambling... ... Through all of this I've always though I've had writing to turn too... But now I see not even that is safe. People tell me my writing is fine, that they like it. But it's not. I know its not. It isn't what it should be and I know it. I keep telling myself its fine I'll get better more practice just keep writing but it simply isn't working. And I hate it. There are so many incredible writers on Mizahar. I look at the way they write and I feel so pathetic. I see myself making stupid mistakes, doing things wrong, bad characterization, bad this bad that being obnoxious, annoying, and I try to make it stop I try to fix it but I can't. I think I'm going to say screw it. Screw the side effects. Screw the bad "dependance" on such things, I don't care. I want myself back, I want to be better. I want to write like I used to. I've been so terribly negative on this scrapbook... first the fires now this... I really need to stop it. Be more positive. I think when I write next it'll be on being happy. I need to focus on that a lot more than I have been lately. Smile for a while.

[Wrenmae]

Once more, I feel compelled to respond to this scrap. You have a way of hooking my backdrop troubles and pulling them to the surface, things I learned to just shrug off. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid, but back then I had this weird aversion to swallowing stuff without chewing it and so I never really took the medication. Fast forward to college. Grades suffering, I can't figure out, for the life of me, why it's so easy for everyone else to stay concentrated and so damn hard for me. I have to study and work alone, in a room without sound, otherwise I'll accidentally get sidetracked or lose my train of thought and scramble like a drowning victim for where I was before.

I started taking Adderal to really help me gear into stuff. Now, this was a hard step for me. Not so much for the side effects, but because I've been taught that dependence on something to help you do something normal people can without it is wrong. For some reason it equivocates weakness and so I wrestled with initially taking the medicine.

After I did, I found something terrifying about it.

Although I can pay attention much better when under the effects of the drug, I lose my ability to write. I've spent so long writing through my popcorn sporadic mindset that when the adderal focuses me down one road...I lose my ability to express myself creatively.

Now I only take it when I absolutely need to. When I have to dig my feet in and finish out a work day, or if I ever had to take a test. It isn't a universal side effect, but it always seemed to punch the creativity out of me whenever I was on it.

And that was horrifying to me, especially when I sat down to write.

We all wrestle with different problems. Some are greater or lesser than others, but we all contend. I became hopelessly dependent on the opinions of others to TELL me I was a good writer. A bit like you, I felt my writing had fallen, that it had dissolved. I constantly compared myself to the other writers on Mizahar, panicking if I felt I fell short and maddeningly editing posts till I felt they were 'perfect' or 'worthy'

It's not the way to go. Writing is a passion for us, creation is second nature. Have confidence in your ability and don't force the envelope. People may write differently, but to write 'better' is a harder thing to judge. Certainly I don't assign value to my thread partners. Some are more literate than others, some post longer, some do better with their dialogue and others are masters of setting. We all bring something to the table...and the fun of it is that it's all collaborative. Rather than competing, we're painting together, laying legos down side by side.

We can build beauty. We all can. The fun of Mizahar is that we're building it together.

If you feel it is necessary to bring your attention to heel in order to re-access the power of writing you feel you once had, I and no one else can tell you differently. Personally, I like what I've seen of your writing so far. I've never seen you write differently, so my impression is, admittedly, not as experienced. But as you are, now, I'd be more than happy to plot and thread with you.

I try not to let it all bother me anymore. I lost a friend because I was too whiny and selfish. I doubt she'll think of me favorably again, but those are the breaks I earned. Now? People want to thread with me. So long as I know there are players here who want to build creatively with me, I won't fall back into my blind panic about quality.

Take a deep breath. Relax.

You're among like minds here.

And we enjoy your style just fine


Best wishes no matter which choice you make from here on out. I'll see you around Zeltiva

-Collin

[Wart]

After I wrote that whole post I went through the rest of the day stressing that I was going to come back to a lecture on self pity. This is going to sound like some sort of newbie corny thing, but honestly I can't tell you how much your post meant to me.

I talked to that same friend again and she apologized for sounding a slight bit insensitive. She told me that she was worried more than anything about something like medicine like that changing my thinking and in so doing changing Me. Reading your post it got me thinking a bit more about that. Like you said happened with you I think my writing has really changed to work around my thinking, as unfocused as it tends to be.

As much as I may not like it I suppose the effects and difficulties of all of it have inevitably become part of who I am, how I think, how I act. Much of it likely being subconscious, I really can't be sure how much of it was actually shaped by dealing with these things. But the way I ended up thinking about it was that the current me has learned to write with add to the point I'm at now. The "focused me" hasn't written since sixth grade.

Yeah, I wish I could say I have the self confidence that I don't seek out the approval of others and that compliments don't influence me. But I'm still working on that . Hearing that you like my writing really makes me happy. Especially having read some of yours, all of which I really, really enjoy.

I guess what that's really come down to is that... Even I'll admit that I don't think my writing is complete crap. I complain that it isn't as good as I want, but I really don't think I actually hate it. So instead of trying to make a leap to maybe find a quick turnaround fix to make it perfect, I just need to work on improving what I've got. Like you said, I'll try to have some confidence, and not judge it off of everyone else, if anything just learn from them. I absolutely love Mizahar. Especially the amazing variety here. That being said, it only gives me more reason to try to work with what I have. If I tried to base myself on and write like everyone else, good or not, that would only take away from that variety.

... To make this simple and get myself to quit rambling, I think I've decided to put off on the whole medicine thing. I've decided I don't think its the best for me right now. Thank you so much for your advice. I'll probably stress for a while more. But I'll work on breathing, and accepting what I've got and what I can do.

I really can't wait to really get further into Miz and contribute to building it with everyone here.

It truly is beautiful.

Perhaps Wart'll run into Wren sometime. I think that could be pretty interesting. Anyway I've said it a lot but thank you again.

- Tay



I'll probably work on scrapbooking a little less often. Hopefully I'll work on actually threading a lot more.