Completed [STC] Fall From Grace (Eridanus)

[Kuvarakh]

9th of Summer, 512

An uneasiness had been at the back of Kuvarakh's mind lately. Something unfinished, unresolved...

He had taken moments now and then, in his spare time, to reflect on it. But to no avail. It wasn't the old obsession. The search for a "cure" for Nuit body decay. That cause was rarely even remembered anymore. He supposed the next time he needed a new body, it might resurface. But not in the guilt-driven, desperate sense.

But still, no other issues came to mind. He had a new direction in life, The Order of Transcendence. He had gainful and satisfying employment, Alchemmia Alchae. He had a new appreciation for the kaleidoscopic nature of the city in which he lived, Alvadas. He shook his head and tried to dismiss his discontent. There was no reason for it.

He would purge himself of it with his focus-clearing meditation. He sat before his mirror and stared at himself, much the way he had begun to learn hypnosis, until his image became irrelevant to him, mere scenery. The exercise now was to visualize secondary images of himself and let them display the troubling tendencies of which he wanted to purge himself. Then when he willed them away by envisioning them stepping out of the scope of the mirror, he would come out of his meditative trance feeling refreshed.

He sat down and relaxed, gazing at the mirror, his thoughts clearing. His image in the mirror slowly becoming less significant to his perception. After a few chimes, he started to anticipate the appearance of a second image of himself. After a few minutes more, the became aware of that unsettled feeling.

This was an uncomfortable departure from the usual order of the routine. Always before, the image was fully focused first. THEN he fed the troublesome feelings into it. THIS time, though, the image was somehow obscured. He tried to get his concentration fully centered on it, but it eluded him, somehow. Greatly disturbed now, he found himself about to shout at the image.

'What is going on?' he thought anxiously, 'Why is this happening?' His jaw dropped in shock as the image turned, as if in response to his thought, and replied, in his own voice, 'Don't pretend you don't know'. The animosity in its voice shook him badly. He pulled himself out of his trance and stood up.

Then, if he had a functioning heart, it would have stopped. The Image remained! It glared at him and turned, walking through the door and disappearing behind the wall. Kuvarakh's hair stood on end, and he found it difficult to breathe. 'This is impossible! I couldn't have generated a second version of myself!'

He got his fear under control and ran out the door behind the image. It was now nowhere in sight. What there was, was an scenic viewpoint over a waterfall, with a large crowd appreciating the powerful beauty of nature. He walked towards them, feeling only partially in control of his actions, but being desperate and curious enough to play along. He sensed there was an answer to be had here.

As he approached the overlook, he became aware of weight in his arms. He didn't truly recognize the infant, but somehow, instinctively, knew it to be his daughter. 'What is this? Am I going crazy? Where did I get this child?' he thought frantically as he suddenly perceived he had no control of his actions.

There was an awareness, not his own, focusing with malice on his mind as his apprehension grew to dread. This was his daughter! it wasn't, but IT WAS! He couldn't shake that sense as he walked to edge of the 800-foot drop, beautiful and unforgiving. He set his "daughter" down on the edge of the stone wall, a few of the crowd smiling at the adorable child while, at the same time, clearly concerned with the proximity of the fall.

HE IGNORED THEM! How could he do that! His mind screamed at himself to heed their warning! But he disregarded it with criminal stupidity and negligence. Then panic seized his soul, he could feel his hands loosening their grip on the child. The other awareness in his mind laughed cruelly at him, telling him it served him right. That it was what he deserved, that he had brought it on himself. 'Look at it, you monster! LOOK AT IT!'

He turned away from the edge, abandoning the infant to its fate. He tried to scream, to draw attention to his insanity, hoping in desperation for someone to grab the child. He wanted to fight, but he had no connection to his own body. He couldn't really tell if he was trying. He was numb. Suddenly horrified screaming confirmed his worst fear and it felt as if his heart exploded in terror, but still he walked away, unable to even ACT concerned.

His orientation spun and his throat grew raw, his ears ringing. he found himself on the floor of his house, in front of his mirror, screaming.

[Eridanus]

Eridanus walked through the streets of Alvadas, strolling in an unperturbed manner in various random directions. Physically it seemed that he was merely making circles, but in his mind he knew exactly where he wanted to go.

The house of Kuvarakh, the one member in the Order who remained as a stranger to the rest of them. Yet, he had been granted that single, mysterious feather. The vantha supposed that he ought to pay the man a visit to know more about him.

He finally stopped walking around in circles, and stopped in front of a house that resembled a huge yellow mushroom. Unlike the other buildings that had been presented to him by the side of the orange pavement that looked like candy below his feet, this building had materialized itself directly before him, which he can only assume that it was the city's way of telling him that his destination had been reached.

Thank Ionu for not making this difficult for me today.

Just as he raised his hand to knock at the door, he heard a scream and an audible thud coming from within, pausing his actions for a while. There was a tinge of excitement that began filling the vantha's body, for he knew that something was abound.

Djed filling his physical senses, he narrowed his field of magical vision, choosing to look through the door rather than focusing on the aura of it. He began methodically scanning the insides of the house, having to bypass several objects and walls with his enhanced sight as he did so, until he located a visibly large aura in the first floor of the mushroom-building.

Zooming in as he continued feeding more djed, he intensified his focus on the aura of that object, until the sweet scent of decay wafted into his nose, followed by that characteristic tangle in the specifics of the aura that let him know that he was indeed looking at Kuvarakh.

Pushing open the door, it opened surprisingly by itself, and he rushed into the house, using his magical sight to navigate himself through unfamiliar place until he got to the nuit.

Kneeling down in front of him, he began shaking the man roughly by the shoulders.

"Wake up, Kuvarakh. Can you hear me?" He uttered urgently, all the while continuing to assess and diagnose the man's state by seeking hints in his aura. Traces of magical activity, possible emotions and feelings before the collapse, anything.

[Kuvarakh]

Kuvarakh thrashed in panic, "NO! Let me UP! I've got to save her!" It wasn't until he had pushed away the clutching arms of what he had assumed were sightseers, at the scenic waterfall, and jumped up to take a few confused steps that he realized he really WAS back in his home.

He spun around to find a familiar face staring in grave concern at him. it took him a moment to realize that it was his Vantha guildsman, Eridanus, and not some figure from his past. "What are YOU doing here?"

Not waiting for an answer, he ran to the mirror, grabbing it and shifting its angle as if to see beyond the edges of its reflection. His eyes were wild, his voice directed at the ceiling, begging, "How can you compare THAT? Do you think I wanted to raise her alone? She was at University! I couldn't protect her forever! That was a point we had always agreed on, before we had her. I'd have given my life to save either of you."

He spun as though the walls were accusing him. "You can't blame me! Is it because I'm a Nuit and so was HE? I did it for HER! To have the time I needed. Is it because I stopped? The gods SPOKE to me! TOLD me to give up my course." his voice broke and he slumped against the wall, his eyes shut tightly.

"I'm just trying to do the right thing....tell me what to do....I don't know what to do....please, tell me. I loved you both more than my life." He continued muttering, his head in his hands, Eridanus forgotten.

[Eridanus]

The limp body exploded with activity, rambling to himself as he rushed to a mirror that Eridanus just noticed was nearby. The vantha forgotten, the man continued as if he were in a play from the Crooked Playhouse. It was all drama, except that the intention was very real.

The vantha was more confused than ever, but determined to calm the man down, for panic did not solve problems.

"Listen to me, Kuvarakh. You are here, in Alvadas. Get a hold of yourself!" He ordered powerfully, placing all the tones of authority and command he had in his voice as he demanded the nuit to stand down and recollect himself.

[Kuvarakh]

Kuvarakh visibly shuddered as he tried to regain his composure. He tried to hide his trembling as he took a seat, forgetting his usually instinctive courtesy to offer his visitor one.

"I...I just had a horrible vision...I don't understand it...I mean, I DO understand the vision, but I don't know why she waited so long, if she felt this way." He looked up at Eridanus' concerned, but puzzled, expression. He went on to describe the vision, the brutal emphasis on his fatal negligence, the inability to make his own representation in the vision DO anything to stop it. The horror of knowing the child, surely a symbol for his own daughter, was going to die. "And somehow, it was worse to HEAR the crowds screaming, but to be unable to see. To have it left to my imagination. And that voice! demanding that I watch and then not allowing me."

He began to fall to pieces again. "Don't you see? I can PICTURE her. It brings it all back! It's no different than when she DID die...in Zeltiva. The nightmares I had! Seeing her crying! Some shadowy figure dragging her away, with her holding her arms out! Begging me to save her! Only this time I WAS the figure. Now I see her reaching for me and I COULD have done something! BUT I DIDN'T! I DIDN'T EVEN TURN AROUND!"

His voice shattered and he whirled around as he stood and slammed his fists into the wall again and again, in time to his voice shouting "WHY...NOW?...WHY...NOW?"

He had no idea if Eridanus was saying anything or not. Nor did he care. There was nothing but an uncontrollable need to demonstrate his rage at the injustice of this punishment. "It's been a hundred years! Why do you wait until NOW?" he cried as he beat the wall one more time.

His fury spent, he slumped into his chair, only then remembering his visitor. He looked up and started to laugh. An unhealthy sounding giggle, "Look, I've torn my wrists open...This body was a suicide when I got it...Do you think my wife is trying to suggest something?"

[Eridanus]

Eridanus was not a doctor. He did not understand symptoms, and such medical terms. But he did understand madness, and as a wizard he was all too familiar with it.

His senses still firmly tapped into Auristics, he continued to study the Kuvarakh's aura for any traces of magical activity. More djed flooded his vision as he uncovered details of the nuit's aura, discarding the unnecessary while keeping what he thought was crucial until he could unlock the puzzle.

As the man ranted, he continued seeking, he continued searching. It was like walking backwards, trying to investigate and solve a mystery as he sought to uncover not only magical traces through the man's aura, but also his possible emotional states. He sought to discover the man's "Residual Activity", though he was having trouble with that particular domain of aura-reading.

It took him great effort and time just to uncover a tiny bit, but he kept going, continuing to feed djed when required so that he could grasp the information he could not garner from the rambling hypnotist.

What he gained did not make much sense, but he knew that he he did not have to understand. He merely needed to portray the semblance of understanding, and throw enough key words that he gathered from the aura-reading to replace Kuvarakh back to reality.

"Listen, Kuvarakh. Listen. You are here, there is no child, there is no baby, there is no mother. You are back in this world, in reality." Eridanus said urgently, grasping the nuit by his shoulders.

Bringing a finger up before the nuit, he gathered the res within him, just enough to cast the one practised spell that he had. The res sputtered as it came out, but eventually he gathered enough res without them suddenly dissipating.

"Feast your eyes on directed anger, Warmth Arc," The celestial child murmured, the incantation working in tandem with his mind as he transmuted the brilliantly white res into a fireball, throwing them searingly close to the nuit before it disappeared harmlessly. He supposed that it was not his intention that made the fireball disappear before it could touch the nuit, but more of his inability to keep it from disappearing before it could do so.

Whatever, regardless of intention the result was what he wanted anyway. He would investigate this reimancy issue another time.

"Can you feel it, Kuvarakh? The heat of reality? Snap back, and tell me. I can help you!" He demanded.

[Kuvarakh]

His senses spiked. The brightness of the flash in his eyes, the wave of heat on his skin, the sound of combustion in his ears, all combined to ground Kuvarakh back in the present. Instinctively falling a couple of steps back, he regained his composure long enough to take in the scene before him.

His guild master, Eridanus, standing before him, his presence stern and commanding. Kuvarakh saw the raised finger and realized with shame what his tirade had compelled his friend to do. "I'm very sorry...I don't know what to say."

He looked around and sighed as he made his way to the discarded mirror, replacing it in the corner and picking up the odds and ends that had rattled off the walls and desktop as he had let loose his despair. He described the vision in a subdued voice as he tidied up, not looking Eridanus in the face.

He finally faced the Vantha directly. "You're probably thinking it's all about the sense of impotence...the helplessness." He felt inwardly, trying to find the words. "And that is certainly part of it...but it's more than that...more, also, than the sense that I didn't deserve this horror."

"It's...it's the thought that...that a women I thought I knew so well could be so hateful. Not just hateful to ME...but so hateful AT ALL...so cruel and deliberately vicious." he sat down, hugging himself in revulsion.

He looked up at Eridanus again. "It's not that it was directed at me, but, just knowing she has the capability of such sadistic vengeance. It's like finding out that the woman you love is really Rhysol in disguise. I feel like I betray her to think of her this way...but that I betray all the goodness I thought she possessed if I don't. How can I have loved someone that I didn't even know?"

He stood suddenly, "No! It's...something else...it HAS to be. I couldn't have been THIS wrong about her...But it all adds up...She died in childbirth, and her only child, truly the child of her body, the child of her life itself, dies without me doing anything to stop it. But she HAS to know I couldn't do anything. I didn't even know. We always talked about it. That if we had a child, we'd know we couldn't protect her forever.

He looked at Eridanus, "Do ghosts keep the personality they had in life? This is so unlike the woman I know. I just don't understand it. Are you going somewhere today? I need to get out of here and think for a while."

[Eridanus]

Eridanus had no idea what Kuvarakh was talking about, to be honest. But he nodded reassuringly, for there was no benefit to showing his confusion to an individual who was already confused. He supposed that it was in reference to the nuit's past, which might be possibly tied to his body. After all, nuits only gain life through the death of another, and the guilt that stained their hands was not easily forgotten.

"Some do, while some may have undergone a psychological transformation that may change their outlook on life. Regardless, the core reason for their continued existence on Mizahar instead of returning to the reincarnation cycle would remain the same, for it is this sole anchor that keeps them here."

Helping his comrade up, the vantha probed, "Can you stand on your own?", as he brought the man to a standing position.

"Yes... perhaps a breath of fresh air in our wonderful city would be in order."

As they exited the cottage, he continued in a conversational tone, "Tell me more about your... collapse. Let us see if two minds are better than one."

[Kuvarakh]

Kuvarakh took a deep breath, "The vision is not an actual memory of mine, but the message was clear enough. I neglected my child and she was destroyed through my failure to protect her. It was over a hundred years ago. I would not suggest it does not bother me anymore, but the hate, the cruelty with which it was...forced...on me. It was unlike anything I have ever felt.

"I had nightmares before, many of them, before I became Nuit, but they were always centered on the agony of not having been there. Not this...taunting...impotence...so close, but unable to make myself respond. I don't understand how my wife could think it fair to equate the two. And why this image? This waterfall overlook location? It makes no sense. There are, of course, mountains around Zeltiva, as there are here, but there was no such...scenic...point there. And the clothes the child wore...It was not like anything I ever dressed her in."

He stopped suddenly, his eyes intense as his mind raced. "The voice was wrong as well. Everything was wrong! The only thing similar is the child dying. And even that was under completely different circumstances. Could she be using some different event to make her point? I mean, if it wasn't for the fact that no one else here would know, I would think it was someone else completely!"

[Eridanus]

They talked as they walked. The people milling about, the scenery, even the random events that was the highlight of the City of Illusions - these all blurred past in a flash, for they were unimportant at the moment. There was only Eridanus and Kuvarakh, and their conversation at hand.

"What then, prompted this vision? Was it a recent occurrence or a chronic one? Maybe there is a trigger somewhere?" The vantha prompted in an attempt to discover the source of this mystery.

For some reason, the idea of implanted memories of feelings shook the vantha, for the past events involving the resurrected Verlyna had changed the man's perspective on magic. It was just... wrong, and despite him being a practitioner in it the incident merely created greater apprehension for it. That was why he sought the Truth, for perhaps it might give answers to his many questions about the very existence of djed manipulation.

"Perhaps what we lack is information, and research. We need a lead of some sort, and we can pursue it in the Sunken Conundrum."

Or failing which, I could attempt to look it up through the Department of Illusions, though Kuvarakh must never know this.