Square One
So before I began my work on Miza today, which I'm glad I had today to do some writing to begin with because I seriously started to suffer from writing withdrawal for a bit, I called the restuarant and quit due to the peer review I received from close people plus the consideration that in an Indian restuarant I'm the black sheep. (Because I am by far NOT Indian.) I could only surmise that I would've been trapped as a dishwasher for a long, long time with no real improvement to my pay in turn. Hate to sound so bad about it but honestly even if I thought it would be good to be in the kitchen, I let that fact get in the way of how things really looked. I tend to see too much of one good thing and stick to that rather than take in the good and bad as one whole image, especially when it leads me to believe I'm finally getting somewhere I want.
At any rate I'm back to square one now in terms of looking for the one job that will start my career, I know writing is just as good for me as cooking but I need to do something that would help me now instead of later. Writing can take years depending on what you work on, where as cooking is something that would cover what you need now while you work for the later. Honestly I've just been stuck in several places too long most of the time, I get to the point where I feel completely left behind while everyone else moves forward with their life. Mostly due to the fact I know I could live comfortably like others do, yet somehow I just never seem to catch that one simple break I really need. I mean we all work hard and do our best to pay the bills and cover our asses, but for the longest time I've struggled to keep up with everyone when the new gadgets and shit came out. I never really had a cell phone until I was in high school, while everyone else I knew already had smart phones and whatnot because they could somehow afford it.
I don't care much for money to begin with but when it comes to security it helps to have it around, plus I honestly need to save up for the honest dream that I've always secretly have had. Though I'm no expert on it and clearly writing it with Ricky is pure research and deep longing for the fantasy of it, I really, really, really, really deep down would love to start a family one day. I want to raise a child of my own and be able to love and provide for that child, yet I've not had such luck in terms of relationships over the years. I know people think I'm still young, almost 21, and I can admit that they're right. Yet deep down I just feel the same about it as I do about "belonging to the kitchen" as previously stated above; I know from an inborn feeling that I'm ready to have said family. Why? I dunno. Probably because I was the youngest in the household with but one older sister, or maybe because I spent my entire life being a social reject due to akward tendacies and role model issues.
Honestly though I know that I'm at the point where I need to "live now" while I still have the time, but I don't care about any of that if it sounds strange. I'm just hopeful that I will one day finally have a child I can call my own, which is why I intend to (albeit hard as hell TO do) save up to attempt surrogacy within several years. I've actually done a bit of poking around to know a little about it, and so I've set to mind that several years from now I will actually attempt to do surrogacy. This provides me with the time to "live it up" should I actually fall into that party stage... but mostly allows for a chance to let something happen between me and some other along the way. Sure it seems like a long shot, yes the idea might be a little crazy to go with... but its something I'm leniant with, although seeing young children at work every damn day makes it harder half the time.
Speaking of work I still deal with the terrible social anxiety issues, due to me being said social reject in high school. I more so brought it on myself because I was too serious and troubled back then, not many people to look up to as I grew older unfortunately. Still the day wasn't too bad, before I went to break not one but two customers had the decency to actually cheer me up. So work can be good sometimes, just when the anxiety doesn't seem to bother me and the general public is agree-able most of the time.
So that about wraps up my much needed expression on today, I'm hopeful I'll do more of these in the near future.
~Zach~
So before I began my work on Miza today, which I'm glad I had today to do some writing to begin with because I seriously started to suffer from writing withdrawal for a bit, I called the restuarant and quit due to the peer review I received from close people plus the consideration that in an Indian restuarant I'm the black sheep. (Because I am by far NOT Indian.) I could only surmise that I would've been trapped as a dishwasher for a long, long time with no real improvement to my pay in turn. Hate to sound so bad about it but honestly even if I thought it would be good to be in the kitchen, I let that fact get in the way of how things really looked. I tend to see too much of one good thing and stick to that rather than take in the good and bad as one whole image, especially when it leads me to believe I'm finally getting somewhere I want.
At any rate I'm back to square one now in terms of looking for the one job that will start my career, I know writing is just as good for me as cooking but I need to do something that would help me now instead of later. Writing can take years depending on what you work on, where as cooking is something that would cover what you need now while you work for the later. Honestly I've just been stuck in several places too long most of the time, I get to the point where I feel completely left behind while everyone else moves forward with their life. Mostly due to the fact I know I could live comfortably like others do, yet somehow I just never seem to catch that one simple break I really need. I mean we all work hard and do our best to pay the bills and cover our asses, but for the longest time I've struggled to keep up with everyone when the new gadgets and shit came out. I never really had a cell phone until I was in high school, while everyone else I knew already had smart phones and whatnot because they could somehow afford it.
I don't care much for money to begin with but when it comes to security it helps to have it around, plus I honestly need to save up for the honest dream that I've always secretly have had. Though I'm no expert on it and clearly writing it with Ricky is pure research and deep longing for the fantasy of it, I really, really, really, really deep down would love to start a family one day. I want to raise a child of my own and be able to love and provide for that child, yet I've not had such luck in terms of relationships over the years. I know people think I'm still young, almost 21, and I can admit that they're right. Yet deep down I just feel the same about it as I do about "belonging to the kitchen" as previously stated above; I know from an inborn feeling that I'm ready to have said family. Why? I dunno. Probably because I was the youngest in the household with but one older sister, or maybe because I spent my entire life being a social reject due to akward tendacies and role model issues.
Honestly though I know that I'm at the point where I need to "live now" while I still have the time, but I don't care about any of that if it sounds strange. I'm just hopeful that I will one day finally have a child I can call my own, which is why I intend to (albeit hard as hell TO do) save up to attempt surrogacy within several years. I've actually done a bit of poking around to know a little about it, and so I've set to mind that several years from now I will actually attempt to do surrogacy. This provides me with the time to "live it up" should I actually fall into that party stage... but mostly allows for a chance to let something happen between me and some other along the way. Sure it seems like a long shot, yes the idea might be a little crazy to go with... but its something I'm leniant with, although seeing young children at work every damn day makes it harder half the time.
Speaking of work I still deal with the terrible social anxiety issues, due to me being said social reject in high school. I more so brought it on myself because I was too serious and troubled back then, not many people to look up to as I grew older unfortunately. Still the day wasn't too bad, before I went to break not one but two customers had the decency to actually cheer me up. So work can be good sometimes, just when the anxiety doesn't seem to bother me and the general public is agree-able most of the time.
So that about wraps up my much needed expression on today, I'm hopeful I'll do more of these in the near future.
~Zach~